Why Don't You Want to Have Sex With Your Spouse?

[zengirl]

My sex drive is just returning after a lull in my new marriage. We had a lot of trouble from the beginning of the school year till Thanksgiving because (a) I was unhappy in my job and just too tired, (b) I blamed my husband for my change in jobs because we moved for his job and I felt like we never REALLY got to hash it out and decide - it was all too quick and he was a little short and not understanding of the sacrifice it'd be on me, and © We were fighting a lot.

 

I felt like I had sacrificed a lot, and he was very not-understanding. I had 10 hours less a week, easily (more like 15-20 most weeks), of free time, and hubby still expected me to do the bulk of the chores, as I had before, when I often worked from home. We had to work that out - I couldn't do it. I was going nuts. I also took a cut in pay and though he got a bump and pays for more now, it was kind of not well-defined how we would deal with my sacrifice in terms of re-hammering our financial agreements. Our money isn't fully joint yet, so it was a problem.

 

Basically, the move was for him, and he got all the benefits, but I felt like I was left with the burdens and not even appreciated for it. Resentment is powerful. It certainly doesn't make you feel sexy. And the worst was, he wouldn't talk about it, and it became hard for us to talk without fighting. Now we DID talk eventually and we started working things out a little before Thanksgiving. I finally got a thank you for all I'd given up/done. Hubby even said I could quit the job I don't like and we'd merge all our money - he makes plenty. I said not this year - we'd see what I could find out here next year and I'd make it through the rest of the school year, both because I made an agreement with the district (I stand by a contract) and because mostly I just wanted some appreciation!

 

I think appreciation is one of the things that's hardest to maintain in a marriage, in general, and most Rs that are devoid of sex or affection lost the appreciation and communication first. Anyway, mine was just a little blip, but I could see how with a less assertive woman or a less communicative man, it could've gone on for ages. I never thought of myself as withholding sex - I just was tired, cranky, and not interested in sex with someone who I didn't feel appreciated me or even SAW me sometimes. And I know Hubby didn't mean to make me feel that way - he was just caught up in chasing a dream he'd had for a long time and let some parts slip. It happens.

[Orianne]

The only time I don't want to have sex with my husband is when I genuinely don't feel good. Though if I'm just tired, I'll usually tell him he can have a freebee, and he makes it up to me later. I don't believe in withholding sex as a punishment or using it to get my way.

[RansomedHeart]

I'm not interested in having sex with my spouse because she is physically unappealing to me. It wasn't always that way, but over time laziness has caught up and its snowballed to the point where I dont even become aroused by her anymore. Its nothing I can help or do anything about, and I myself am getting depressed by it because there's nothing I can do about it.