My Wife Left Me

[TheVoski]

I'm 27, my wife is 26. We've been been married 4 years and been together for 8. We have a 4 year old daughter. Our relationship has been rocky but we loved each other. 2 years into the marriage I asked for a separation. I even went as far as asking for a divorce. About 9 months into the separation. She started seeing someone, I flipped begged for her back and did whatever I could to get her. It worked, then the relationship was still rocky - she left me for another guy. I begged and pleaded and she came back (only about a week or two she was gone). We were together 1.5 and relationship still rocky. She, I believe, has mental issues. She has tried to shoot herself and when I fought the gun out of her hand I fractures her wrist a little. She now likes to tell everyone I beat her physically and emotionally and says I broke her arm. She has even slit her wrists and I had to call 911. We both have our issues and problems. Well, she's. Een unhappy and I feel I've tried a lot and gave up on trying. She got a new job went to stay with a friend for a few days and I begged for her not to. She's gone 3 days and I get out of her that she slept with someone just to concrete that our relationship is over. Well I said well work thru it. She said okay and came back. She has freaked out a few times while back and I have to. She even wanted to have another kid and we had sex a couple of times before she finally left again. We were doing stuff together hat weekend. Went to Chuck E Cheese with the kid on Tuesday and Wednesday was I love you be home soon and then just leaves a voicemail saying she's not coming home. I went on a 1 week drinking binge which resulted in me getting arrested for kicking in the door of the guy she is laid up with and assaulted him. He lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with only a couch, mini fridge, and a coffee table, and a broken TV. She tells people she sees a future with this guy. We lived in a 4 bedroom house together. This guy even went to jail for man slaughter for running over a kid drunk when he was like 18. He's 25 now. She even took our daughter and has her sleeping on the floor over there saying she is in a loving home. My daughter is at my parents for stability for the moment. Which she doesn't like. She blocked me on FB and just recent unblocked me, but we aren't friends on it. I love her and want her back and I know my faults and will fix them. She like all of a sudden turned a switch and hates me. I know I shouldn't have done what I've done but she has done many many more crazier things tha. I have done but she sits over there and paints me as Satan and her Mother Theresa. I filed for divorce and fullcustldy and she went and got her a cheap lawyer.

 

I need advice, I want my wife back. I love her. What can I do?

[GorillaTheater]

You're going to get a bunch of people, me included, who are going to tell you that you're probably better off without her, but it'll take you a while to calm down, think it through, and come to the same conclusion. Take your time.

 

In the meantime, stay out of trouble (especially for the upcoming custody fight), stay away from the booze, get a lawyer, and hit the weights.

 

Why did you leave her in the first place (other than the obvious, I mean)? Would you agree that you only wanted her back when she got involved with the other guy?

[GorillaTheater]

Oh, and knock off the begging and pleading, and try to stay calm, cool and collected with her at all times. That's good advice regardless of which way this eventually goes.

[TheVoski]

I got back with her because i was unsure. But with time ad each fight I felt I changed for the better noticing what I needed to do as a husband. I love her and I want to be with her still. I just done understand how she can go from I love you let's have another baby to moving in a apartment with a straight bottom feeder loser. I just want to win her love back and be with her.

 

I'm typing from my phone so sorry for typos.

[TheVoski]

I stopped begging and pleading about 3 weeks back.

[VeveCakes]

This is a majorly toxic relationship. I would walk away from it.

[TheVoski]

This is a majorly toxic relationship. I would walk away from it.

 

I would but I love too much to. I wanna win her back and take care of her. Any advice?

[TheVoski]

She also has only known this guy for about 2 months. He can't hold a job. They are literally broke bumming cigarettes. She tells everybody how wonderful he is and how they are going have happy memories together.

[BetrayedH]

Best advice if you want to reconcile is to continue down the divorce road. She has to see that the consequences of her actions are real. She is living in a fantasy world and you are disturbing it. If you try to "nice her back," it just allows her to continue to live in her fantasy.

 

Continue with the divorce process. If the reality of this hits her hard enough such that she is truly remorseful, you can always stop the proceedings. If she doesn't become remorseful, you're on your way.

 

There is no "winning her back." The only way to reconcile from this now is for her to be winning you back and demonstrating that to you by consistent actions over time. Anything short of this and you simply present yourself as her doormat. No one respects a doormat and a woman cannot love a man that she doesn't respect.

 

Your best bet is to detach and to do it quickly and cleanly. No discussions with her about anything but the kids, finances, and the divorce. Let her see what her new life looks like now.

 

And in the meantime, do everything possible to get custody of your child. That means being done with the crazy nonsense on your end entirely.

[TheVoski]

That's what everyone tells me to just move on. Everyone, including her closet friend, says she'll be back. Before her mother turned on me - she said she sees her coming back because she always finds her way back to me. Her friend says she's not over me just not thinking of me and replacing me with something else. My wife is telling people she hates me. She did a 180 on me within a few days. I don't want to sit around and wait but I am because I feel likes it's not over there is too much unresolved.

[BetrayedH]

That's what everyone tells me to just move on. Everyone, including her closet friend, says she'll be back. Before her mother turned on me - she said she sees her coming back because she always finds her way back to me. Her friend says she's not over me just not thinking of me and replacing me with something else. My wife is telling people she hates me. She did a 180 on me within a few days. I don't want to sit around and wait but I am because I feel likes it's not over there is too much unresolved.

 

This is obviously cyclical in your relationship. What are you going to do to stop this cycle? Sit around while she boffs the OM? How's that working for you so far?

 

You need to do a 180 yourself, my friend. Take charge of your life and get toxic people out of it. And get your child out of that toxic crap while you're at it.

 

If this woman doesn't stop, she doesn't deserve you. Do not accept this.

[TheVoski]

I don't want to accept this but I do because I love her that much. I always said I feel like the husband in the show United States of Tara. I put up with it because she needs help and I want to be there for her.

[BetrayedH]

What you are doing is not working. People do not change unless they have motivation to do so. She's not going to try to keep you if she doesn't have to do a damn thing because you are keeping yourself there. She doesn't even have to make an effort. Give her motivation to change by showing her the consequences of her actions. And you need to be serious about those consequences unless you see serious and sustained change.

 

All you are doing right now is enabling her selfish behaviors and it's not helping her or your child.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. You are too close to the situation and you are making decisions with your emotions instead of your head.

[TheVoski]

What you are doing is not working. People do not change unless they have motivation to do so. She's not going to try to keep you if she doesn't have to do a damn thing because you are keeping yourself there. She doesn't even have to make an effort. Give her motivation to change by showing her the consequences of her actions. And you need to be serious about those consequences unless you see serious and sustained change.

 

All you are doing right now is enabling her selfish behaviors and it's not helping her or your child.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. You are too close to the situation and you are making decisions with your emotions instead of your head.

 

I want her back, I truly do. What steps/details should I do with myself? I don't talk to her and if I do it's about the kid and I end the Convo fast.

[BetrayedH]

I want her back, I truly do. What steps/details should I do with myself? I don't talk to her and if I do it's about the kid and I end the Convo fast.

 

It's good you stopped the begging. You need to do the opposite. Read up on "the 180." To be brief, you need to show her how you are moving on with your life just fine without her. You show her strength. You detach from her. You do fun things without her. You move on with life as if you are done with her and perfectly fine with it. This creates mystery around you. Your strength makes you attractive.

 

Normally, I would also say to expose the affair to everyone. Affairs don't fare well in the sunlight. She is living in a fantasy bubble right now and that bubble needs to be burst. The reality of the consequences of her actions need to hit her square in the middle of the forehead like a hammer. Expose this to her family, your family, all of your friends, his family, their workplace if it was a workplace affair. My fear is that she is already exposed and doesn't care. Other consequences would be her being served with divorce papers and getting some court orders that give you at least temporary custody of your child.

 

But you should know that as I write all of this, my real hope is that you will come out of this fog you are in and stop accepting scraps from her. At some point, you will have to accept that you have chosen to accept this awful position and are just as responsible for being in it. I hope you choose a path that is more self-respecting. Infidelity deals us a terrible blow to the ego. Sadly, you don't love your wife but who you thought you wife was. It's not who she was. She's not a lovable person right now. In your wounded state, you want to cling to the one person that is supposed to be there for you. But you can't because she is the betrayer. You must start working on acceptance of this fact.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

[TheVoski]

Everyone knows of the affair and she does t care she just gets angry and says people don't know what their talking about. Can you give me the link to read 'the 180'? I don't know my feelings. I truly love her. I don't know why when she repeatly berated me even in front of people.

[TheVoski]

Her older brother supports it because he hates me for stupid reasons. He is now being a good brother to spite me

[Owl]

Let me rephrase the question that several have asked.

 

It might help bring some clarity as to WHY they're asking, and help you to view things from an outside view as well.

 

What, specifically, is it about your wife, and the relationship you have/had with her, that makes you want to keep her in your life?

 

Be specific.

 

Sell us on why you want to remain married to her.

[BetrayedH]

Everyone knows of the affair and she does t care she just gets angry and says people don't know what their talking about. Can you give me the link to read 'the 180'? I don't know my feelings. I truly love her. I don't know why when she repeatly berated me even in front of people.

 

Check out this link for answers to a lot of frequently asked questions, including the 180. That website is another good resource in general but I prefer this place for its honesty, even if it is sometimes brutal.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

[TheVoski]

Let me rephrase the question that several have asked.

 

It might help bring some clarity as to WHY they're asking, and help you to view things from an outside view as well.

 

What, specifically, is it about your wife, and the relationship you have/had with her, that makes you want to keep her in your life?

 

Be specific.

 

Sell us on why you want to remain married to her.

 

Me and her have been through hell and back. She's been there for me and I've been there for her. The good times we have are amazing. She is just a little crazy. We enjoy the same crazy things, I just believe we don't communicate we'll.

[Chi townD]

DUDE!!!! Wake up! Even if she did come back, it would be more of the same! This is no way to be living your life. There are 7 billion people on this planet and you're hung up on just one that will threaten suicide infront of you, leave you, sleep with other people, put your daughter in jeopardy, having her sleep on a floor. Dude, seriously. Take your heart out of the equation and look at what I just wrote. Now, don't you think you deserve better?

 

You have to stop being a husband to an absent wife and start being a father to your daughter. She needs you more than ever right now. You need to be her rock. She needs all your love and attention right now. The next sentence is going to be hard for you to read. YOUR WIFE IS GONE! She doesn't want to come back. She's putting more value in an unemployed douche rocket than your love for her. I would see a lawyer immediately and have her served. I would also start proceeding for full custudy of your daughter. And trust me, it's gonna hurt for a long time, but you'll get through all of this. And, in time, you're going to find a woman that is going to treat you so special you going to think back to this and say to yourself, "What the hell was I thinking!" Plus, there's something extremely attractive to a woman when a single father is taking care of a child by himself. I speculate that you wouldn't be single for long.

 

You need to start looking for a new and bright future for you and your daughter.

[TheVoski]

Check out this link for answers to a lot of frequently asked questions, including the 180. That website is another good resource in general but I prefer this place for its honesty, even if it is sometimes brutal.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

Is that the 180 everyone talks about or is there another that's more in depth reading?

 

I really appreciate the feedback. Its been 25 days and I've even super depressed and the first week I begged. Second week I stopped talking but she knew my availability. Now I'm just focusing on me and trying to get out my slump. I love her, I want her back but I want to be okay first. I want to be happy.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I dunno man, this relationship sounds pretty cooked and done. You separated from her for 9 months with a D pending(on your initiative), and then when she started going to someone else all of a sudden you want to be back in? Are you sure? Now things are even more crazy. Are you just jealous now that your wife is taboo? I think I would be advising her to let you go, too unstable.

 

I usually side pretty heavily with the BS since I'm one myself, but man it sounds like the marriage was already over. Did you have an affair first?

Edited October 29, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[BetrayedH]

Is that the 180 everyone talks about or is there another that's more in depth reading?

 

I really appreciate the feedback. Its been 25 days and I've even super depressed and the first week I begged. Second week I stopped talking but she knew my availability. Now I'm just focusing on me and trying to get out my slump. I love her, I want her back but I want to be okay first. I want to be happy.

 

The author's website is divorcebusting.com

[BetrayedH]

Is that the 180 everyone talks about or is there another that's more in depth reading?

 

I really appreciate the feedback. Its been 25 days and I've even super depressed and the first week I begged. Second week I stopped talking but she knew my availability. Now I'm just focusing on me and trying to get out my slump. I love her, I want her back but I want to be okay first. I want to be happy.

 

The blow that infidelity deals to us is pretty damn overwhelming. Your wife has dropped a nuke on your marriage. It's pretty common to walk around in a fog in the nuclear wasteland just trying to pick up pieces and put your life back together. What I can tell you for sure is that you cannot do it alone. Your actions might influence her but you cannot fundamentally change a person. That has to come from within.

 

I agree with the other poster that said you need to be strong for your daughter. She needs to have at least one strong parent that has got it together or she is going to feel like she has to grow up quickly and start making adult decisions since the adults can't handle it. Show her strength. Show her that it is wrong to tolerate this behavior so she doesn't tolerate it in the future. Show her how to respect herself and to make good, ethical decisions even in light of other people's poor decisions. She needs you to lead by example.