Author TheVoski Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) Just called a friend and WS answered. She is saying when she has our daughter she'll stay over there. I then stated we're in this because of her decisions. She then said what stay in a ****ty marriage just so I can have a place to stay? I then said I'm sorry the marriage was ****ty, she then said it wasn't as ****ty for you as it was for me. I said I know my faults in the breakdown of the marriage and she said she knew hers. I said I'm not going to have my daughter around that guy and she says he's in her life and will be. She was calmer and I said your decisions don't reflect on me and mine don't on you anymore, she understood, then I reiterated by saying like if DHR takes her from me doesn't mean they'll take her from her and if they take her from her, doesn't mean they'll take her from me. She then screamed at the top of her lungs "IF YOU WANNA ****IN HAVE HER THEN HAVE HER!!!" and screamed and hung up. I didn't call back or vice versa. I have no clue whats going on in her head. I want to move on but I can't because of my love for her. How can she just be in love with this guy like this?! Edited October 30, 2012 by TheVoski Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just called a friend and WS answered. She is saying when she has our daughter she'll stay over there. I then stated we're in this because of her decisions. She then said what stay in a ****ty marriage just so I can have a place to stay? I then said I'm sorry the marriage was ****ty, she then said it wasn't as ****ty for you as it was for me. I said I know my faults in the breakdown of the marriage and she said she knew hers. I said I'm not going to have my daughter around that guy and she says he's in her life and will be. She was calmer and I said your decisions don't reflect on me and mine don't on you anymore, she understood, then I reiterated by saying like if DHR takes her from me doesn't mean they'll take her from her and if they take her from her, doesn't mean they'll take her from me. She then screamed at the top of her lungs "IF YOU WANNA ****IN HAVE HER THEN HAVE HER!!!" and screamed and hung up. I didn't call back or vice versa. I have no clue whats going on in her head. I want to move on but I can't because of my love for her. How can she just be in love with this guy like this?! This is very, very typical. The consequences of her actions are coming to bear. She is like a 10 year old child that just had her stolen cookie taken away. She needs to feel uncomfortable. Let her. Stop apologizing. Don't react emotionally. Feel free to say what you wanted to say about this being a result of HER actions and end the conversation. A calm and controlled attitude from you will drive her crazy. The loss of her fantasy is what is happening. Real life is not all sunshine and sunflowers after an affair. It's a freakin' mess and now she gets to own it. I know you want to salvage your marriage. But again, this is the only way. She will either change sufficiently when she sees the reality and can no longer have her cake and eat it, too, or she won't. Don't be mean. Don't be needy. Act with confidence, strength, resolve, and without emotion. She can blame you for everything if she wants. But the fact is that she gets to own 50% of the marital problems and 100% of her decision to have an affair. The marriage was likely salvageable before this happened. Then she dropped a nuke on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I was only charged with burglary. I don't know why, I didn't steal anything. Obviously it's because I went there and kicked his door in. Many family law judges will not care about this charge, especially when they realize that it is related to the infidelity. Clean it up, ASAP. In order for this to affect custody over the long term, you would have to be a demonstrable danger to the child. The other complaint sounds like utter B.S. and it will likely appear as a knee-jerk reaction to your filing that has no real basis in fact unless there is a police report and a witness statement verifying the abuse. All that said, be sure to knock that crap off. I made similar poor decisions but you really regret it when the courts start referring to your wife and the OM as the "victims" in the case. Of course, I'm just some random dude on the internet. Your attorney will know better. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Update: My WS called me today to inform she just found out DHR is involved, said my parents called them, I told her no it was because of reports. DHR showed up when I was on the phone with her I got off, I dealt with them, good meeting. Well, I called her back. We had a 17 minute conversation. She brought up how I separated from her in the past and threw her away and she had to spend holidays alone (which she didn't - even made it a point to do Thanksgiving with her during it). I apologized, she told me not to. The conversation was pretty much her putting blame on me how she knows she's gonna lose the kid and if she does I will. She continues to say she is broke and works just like I do and she doesn't understand how I have money and insists my parents are giving it to me. I said no, I got promoted at work and got a raise 2 weeks ago. Shes like thats great your life is just going good - but being sarcastic. She brings up she has court for her suspended license and tickets and doesn't have money to pay it. Pretty much implying times are tough for her. I said that doesn't concern me and she was like yes it does. She says I'm trying to control her life through our daughter. She even brought up "i'm not going to come back to you. we're never gonna be back together" and i replied "i've come to terms with that. i'm okay with that. i know this". Then in mid sentence I guess her phone died and I just sent a text saying "Call me if you want when you can". I don't understand what the point of this convo was, she even stated she wanted to do a sit down talk with me. Why would you state that you're never coming back? I mean, you pretty much stated that with all that has happened - why bring it back up. I want her to call back so we can continue the convo so I can be more calm (which I was but not let the convo go where it was going). I felt like it bothered her that I got a promotion and that the fact that I am back living in the house and not on my friend's couch. I really wanna say "this is all happening because of the decisions you made - you in this situation because of you not me." I'm just confused. Again, she is just lashing out like a spoiled brat, throwing whatever she can at you to see what will stick. It ain't gonna make sense so don't bother with hyper analysis. Don't let her get to you. There are plenty of times that the wayward will even come and offer sex to try to manipulate you into doing what they want. Keep your defenses up. Where she is really going to land is nowhere near determined yet. These are early stages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 We talked some more and I stayed calm. I even went as far, when she brought up the OM, that I was happy she's happy and that I don't have to worry about it cause it's not my responsibility. She went from one emotion to the next. I tried to just stay on subject about our daughter. She realized she is going to lose the kid because she has nothing and she says I'm taking the kid from her. She went from she regrets ever meeting me and I calmly agreed and said we should of never gotten married but I cherish the time we spent together because it made into the person I am today who can face the world. I said this is good now you can go become whatever and I can go become the person I want to be and find a person that'll be there for me and make me happy. It really bothered her that I got a promotion and raise at work because she was saying that's great erythi g just works out for you and your life is so wonderful! Being sarcastic. At one point she switched to "I do love you. I'll always have love in my heart for you" and I pretty much brushed it off. Now she wants to talk about Halloween with me again. I don't know what to think or do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Oh when she said I love you I'll always have love for you in my heart she said that that love is costing her our daughter. Don't understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 It's tough to even read about that conversation. I feel for you. I think it's going to be tough for you to decide about how to coparent with her over the long term. That's especially difficult when you still have emotions all wrapped up with her. My first thought is that you have to do what is best for your daughter. Having just gone through a divorce, pretty well everything I've read says that it's criticallyimportant for kids to have involvement from both parents. If you believe all that, then 50/50 is optimum. But your wife isn't stable at the moment. You can't have your daughter sleeping on a floor. My gut says that you need to go for full custody and then be as generous with visitation as you can while keeping your daughter's welfare as a top priority. Perhaps if she is able to demonstrate more responsibility over time then you'll be able to coparent in a more equitable way. It's sad to see that she is insistent upon bringing her daughter around the OM and in poor living conditions. I think it's good that you try to focus conversations around your daughter. Stay disinterested with her drama otherwise. Stay detached and focus on actions that will improve life for you and your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 You can tell reality is setting in and she is upset. I feel she doesn't know what she wants so therefore she latches onto the OM because he's there and thT was suppose to be a new wonderful thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 She texted last night after her court, which went bad, for her tickets. I isn't respond he then set he wanted to talk about Halloween. I didn't reply till this morning and she was like when do you get off and she told me when she got off. I didn't respond. I have no clue what she's doing and I don't think he knows either. I could post the crazy texts from between our Convo on the phone. She's being very emotionally and irrational. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 How can she just be in love with this guy like this?! Because there is no logic in these things Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 She texted last night after her court, which went bad, for her tickets. I isn't respond he then set he wanted to talk about Halloween. I didn't reply till this morning and she was like when do you get off and she told me when she got off. I didn't respond. I have no clue what she's doing and I don't think he knows either. I could post the crazy texts from between our Convo on the phone. She's being very emotionally and irrational. Because she's snapping out of the fog and finally discovering that her life is really going to be tough due to the decisions she's made in her life. But, I give you props. You're handling things well and because of that. It's pissing her off. Continue to limit your discussions to your daughter. That's the only thing you should be concerned about. Her traffic tickets are her problem, her money problems are her problem. She chose to leave, you didn't ask for that. But, it was her decision and she has to live with that. And do not feel guilty about doing well at work. You earned it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 when she brought up the OM, . 'wife, your right, I've not felt loved and cared for in this relationship since I don't know when, I think you should be with OM, In fact I think we shuold both start seeing other people but I can't talk right now as I'm on the way out to meet a friend, Bye' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I believe we might do Halloween together. I don't know but I believe that's what she wanted to talk about. I don't know how to handle that. Again I apologize for typos. I'm on my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I'm 27, my wife is 26. We've been been married 4 years and been together for 8. We have a 4 year old daughter. Our relationship has been rocky but we loved each other. 2 years into the marriage I asked for a separation. I even went as far as asking for a divorce. About 9 months into the separation. She started seeing someone, I flipped begged for her back and did whatever I could to get her. It worked, then the relationship was still rocky - she left me for another guy.... Can I ask why you asked for a separation and divorce? Why did you stay away 9 months? Have those issues been resolved? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I believe we might do Halloween together. I don't know but I believe that's what she wanted to talk about. I don't know how to handle that. Again I apologize for typos. I'm on my phone. My suggestion...Do what is best for your daughter, which is probably her walking around trick or treating at her old neighborhood (your house) with one or both parents. If you can't do it together and be civil, make it just one of you. Discuss it with your W by text. It's going to take a while for you to determine how to handle holidays; you need an agreement between you on a schedule. I hope you otherwise already have an ongoing temporary schedule in place that gives you custody of your daughter for at least 50% of overnights (more if you are seriously intent upon full custody). You need to establish a precedent that you can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Everything is set with me to have main custody. I believe she didn't answer the door when DHR came to OM apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 This will be the first time I've see her in 3 weeks. I hope she sees what she is missing out on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Well, my WS wanted me to drop her off at like 630p and her and her OM can pick her up. I said "She's not going to be around him At the moment, so that's your choice." Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 This will be the first time I've see her in 3 weeks. I hope she sees what she is missing out on. Good luck and regardless of what she does, YOU have the attitude that she IS missing out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 It's sad that she is taking every step to make sure she loses her daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 It's sad that she is taking every step to make sure she loses her daughter. I'm sorry to say that, much like an alcoholic or other addict, she may have to hit rock bottom before she changes her life. The more you give her a cushioned landing, the less likely that hitting bottom happens and the more you enable her behaviors to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I'm sorry to say that, much like an alcoholic or other addict, she may have to hit rock bottom before she changes her life. The more you give her a cushioned landing, the less likely that hitting bottom happens and the more you enable her behaviors to continue. What do you reccommend me to do? She hasn't responded to what I said. It's sad that I still have so much love for my WS and I still want her back. But damn, how many wrong decisions can she make?! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 What do you reccommend me to do? She hasn't responded to what I said. It's sad that I still have so much love for my WS and I still want her back. But damn, how many wrong decisions can she make?! Stay the course, my friend. I can tell you that I loved my WS, too. I did what I could and it wasn't enough. If I would change anything, I would have taken a harder line at the beginning. Your only real weapons are exposure of the affair and the 180. If she won't change, you need to start worrying about yourself. You need to realize that you didn't deserve this. Regardless of the conditions of the marriage, she had an obligation to either fix it or divorce you. Instead, she shacked up with a douchebag and brought her 4 year old daughter to his dump of an apartment. You need to start working on accepting that you and your daughter may be better off without this woman and you cannot change her. She doesn't even sound like she wants to keep her daughter, for goodness sakes. Let her go. If she eventually hits rock bottom and comes crawling back, you can then decide if you still have forgiveness in your heart. But right now she's not even asking for forgiveness. You shouldn't even consider it until she is truly remorseful. She flaunting her loser OM in front of you and everyone. You're not in love with her but with who you thought she was. When people show you who they are, believe them. Detach. Rebuild your life. Divorce is not the end of the world; the reality is that once you get there, it's the beginning of a new one. Start envisioning a future without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 We talked on phone she was a little hostile. She had OM drop her off cause she can't drive and I said I wouldn't pick her up. We did trick or treating together. She wanted to talk but I said we are doing Halloween nows not the time. It went alright, our daughter kind of shunned the WS and it bothered her a lot. She needs money so she's trying to sell me the AC window unit and deep freezer - which I declined. I just had my hair cut, which I was trying to grow long hair the past year, and she said "your hair looks really nice" to which I replied "thanks". We have matching tattoos and she goes "can I ask you a question? Did you have your tattoo X'd out?" to which I replied yes even though it's a lie and I think it might have bothered her. She even brought up how she came to talk to me one day but that was the day I was drunk passed out (the day before I got arrested). I didn't even acknowledge it. She heard me on phone a couple times talking to friends, which I kinda of made it look like I was talking to a woman and acting like I was being secretive. I just saying "yeah after I'm done with this we'll eat and go to fear Fest". She heard I was doing comedy again and she was like you're performing? I said yes and she repeat my said she's proud of me or something to that nature. What was great someone called me about performing and I got to talk on phone about it in front of her. One Convo she walked up on and said I heard that. I said ok. She was like please be careful tonight. I said I don't drink. She said other people do and I just care. I said well thanks. She then asked if we could have a sit down at a restaurant and talk about our daughter and then go to lawyers because lawyers cost by the hour she says and she's paying out of pocket for hers. I told her that wouldn't be a good idea but maybe and I'll shoot her a text. While we were at my house she got the last of her clothes I had bagged in garage and came in and used the bathroom and got her hair supplies and when she walked out I was just going to take a brush from her and she pulls a pink brush out and goes this isn't hers and she's never seen it and I just went ohh I know and grabbed it and put it to the side. Which I dot even know where it came from. Outside she brought up how she is lonely and has no family or friends like I do supporting me and I just replied "you have OM" and she pretty much sighed. OM came and got her and she told me to please be safe and to text her tomorrow, which is today. She kind of through some lies my way like telling our daughter she has her unicorn and her baby doll Sara where she's at everything set up for her. If she did she'd wouldn't be avoiding DHR like she is. Also lied saying she's probably going to become management at the grocery store she is cashiering at which she's only been there a week and a half. And how she quit smoking, yet she bummed 3 off of me, and then she said she shouldn't smoked the first one cause now she's craving more and shell get it in trouble. Which I assumed by OM but I know she bums cigarettes off everyone. What do you guys think I should do. I didn't sleep well last night and had a ton of dreams about my WS. Should I meet her and talk because her bringing up that she tried to talk to me that one day makes me think they'll be more to the Convo than just our daughter. I'm so confused. My emotions are everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I do want to see and talk to her but only if we can talk about what happened to us. If its about custody, let the lawyers handle it. I just want to say "what happened to us" and stuff like that. I was thinking if I text her "I don't know if it's a good idea for us to meet Friday. Last night was tough and I don't want to go there." maybe she'll reply with something positive for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts