Owl Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 OK...stop lying already. There's no value in it. It'll get found out in the end, and make you look like an idiot. And it looks like you're just lying over piddly little crap to make her feel bad...this isn't about making her feel bad, and if you don't get past that you're going to end up hurting yourself with it. Just tell her the truth, or deflect her questions if you don't want to answer them directly. Beyond that...as BH said, stay the course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 .. Outside she brought up how she is lonely and has no family or friends like I do supporting me and I just replied 'Wife I understand how you could feel that way' It's called validation, empathy,understanding etc. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 asked if we could have a sit down at a restaurant and talk about our daughter and then go to lawyers because lawyers cost by the hour she says and she's paying out of pocket for hers.. Stock answer ' I'll think about it' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 My first instinct is to tell you to knock off the game playing and the lies. You lied about the tattoo, pretended to talk to some other woman on the phone, and then lied about the stupid brush. This is no way to have a relationship. While you need to have boundaries, the two of you need to treat each other with respect if your hope is to reconcile. Start leading by example by being a man of integrity. Show her strength, resolve, and character. I'm glad you did Halloween for the sake of your daughter and it sounds like it was civil. I think you can continue to show care and concern but also have healthy boundaries in place for yourself that you won't be the one to solve her personal problems while she continues on this path. You don't need to impose artificial consequences on her or punish her (that certainly doesn't make you attractive) but you can let her suffer the natural consequences of her actions on her own. She should expect to have little support from you (except child support). She can expect her daughter to shun her. She can expect to have little support from friends and family for making these destructive choices. You, on the other hand, need to keep to the high road. Again, lead your family by example. Don't beg. Just let her see that you are an improved and better man and keep it up. Based on what I've read here, it makes me wonder exactly how dysfunctional this marriage has been up to this point. She seems convinced that it was pretty awful. I don't even hear an argument from you on that. You didn't deserve infidelity but I think it would be wise for you to truly work on yourself so that her returning is an attractive choice. Game playing and lies ain't gonna do that. You need to demonstrate consistent actions over time and she's going to need to believe that it isn't about some game to win her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I let my emotions get the best of me last night and that's why I lied. Bad choice, I know, I wont do it again. Our relationship was dysfunctional because of communication I believe. What should I do about meeting her to talk? This morning I've been crying. Seeing her was hard for me. I think and dream of her 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I let my emotions get the best of me last night and that's why I lied. Bad choice, I know, I wont do it again. Our relationship was dysfunctional because of communication I believe. What should I do about meeting her to talk? This morning I've been crying. Seeing her was hard for me. I think and dream of her 24/7. I see nothing wrong with you meeting with her to discuss a child custody schedule, finances (she's entitled to half of the marital assets and half of the marital debts), issues surrounding your daughter (pre-k, clothes, toys and such), and trying to come to agreement on these things as much as possible before getting attorneys involved. Some use one attorney to mediate such things but this is not an amicable divorce and you should have your own attorney and she should retain her own as well. Otherwise, you should actually refuse to discuss anything about your personal relationship until such time as she is prepared to leave the other man. This is part of that 180 approach. She needs to come to you about reconciling, not the other way around. It takes two things to reconcile after infidelity: (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. But make no mistake. #2 can never come before #1. Again, you need to stop making decisions with your emotions and start using them with your head. Repeat it to yourself like a personal mantra. I get how difficult it is, especially now. I lost my fool mind. Get into individual therapy for yourself and otherwise focus on the tasks at hand and doing whatever is the right and best thing to do today. Sometimes that is just getting through the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 My lawyer told me to not discuss the divorce or custody with her because of everything that has transpired. I believe I'm just going to send her a text that says "Last night was good for Shelbee but I don't think its a good idea for us to meet Friday. Last night was tough and I don't want to go there. " Does that sound decent? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 My lawyer told me to not discuss the divorce or custody with her because of everything that has transpired. I believe I'm just going to send her a text that says "Last night was good for Shelbee but I don't think its a good idea for us to meet Friday. Last night was tough and I don't want to go there. " Does that sound decent? Hmm. I'll try not to argue with your attorney. Just keep in mind that the longer you two argue over who gets the dog and so forth, the more he gets paid. I think you can say that your attorney wants to meet with you prior to discussing legal matters. If she wants to discuss anything in regards to Shelbee's immediate needs or if she needs anything else from the house, she can text you. I wouldn't mention that last night was tough. Remember that you are showing her strength that she didn't know you had. She is the one losing out here and has misjudged you. As far as she knows, you are fine. She's the broken one here and needs to be questioning herself. Less is more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 T feel the meeting will have me going in with my hopes up and then leaving even more broken. I'm not going to even text, next step is her if she wants to talk. She always said I never took her on proper dates and now she wants to do a meeting at a restaurant. I know she's hurting for money so I don't see her using her money to pay her own food. Or she might. I'm just lost. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 My lawyer told me to not discuss the divorce or custody with her because of everything that has transpired. I believe I'm just going to send her a text that says "Last night was good for Shelbee but I don't think its a good idea for us to meet Friday. Last night was tough and I don't want to go there. " Does that sound decent? No need to send any texts Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 T feel the meeting will have me going in with my hopes up and then leaving even more broken. I'm not going to even text, next step is her if she wants to talk. She always said I never took her on proper dates and now she wants to do a meeting at a restaurant. I know she's hurting for money so I don't see her using her money to pay her own food. Or she might. I'm just lost. Just take you're lawyers advice... do not discuss it, do not meet with her there is no need to. No need to be uncivil or take a nasty tone with her, if she calls be friendly and polite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I don't know why she brought up that she tried to talk to me that one day. Everything was said thru actions. All I remember is my dad was there and asked if she cares about me she said yes and he asked me and I pretty much said if you Wanna leave take everything I'm done and went in the house. Her saying that has my mind racing now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I stop myself from sending a text. Just one that wishes her the best and that I hope he's everything she wanted in a man. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I stop myself from sending a text. Just one that wishes her the best and that I hope he's everything she wanted in a man. Let her text you... do not text her Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Now I noticed she reblocked me on Facebook. We're not friends. It I don't know. Why she unblocked for a few days and then blocked again Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 First you need to change your routines, stop checking up on facebook, stop monitoring your phone it will drive you crazy. Focus on yourself, I know it's easy for people to say but you need to. Why are you WASTING THE PRECIOUS TIME you have to live your life on someone who's disrespected you like this. Be strong brother, it is challenging but you'll come out of it stronger and that has to be a positive. Positives in life now!! Your life! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I stop myself from sending a text. Just one that wishes her the best and that I hope he's everything she wanted in a man. I hope you meant that you stopped yourself from sending this text. It is an emotional one which you would be wise to avoid. As for facebook, I would guess that she is trying to get back at you in a passive-aggressive way for you exing out your tattoo. Ignore this nonsense and don't participate in it. You need to be above it. Either that or she is detaching from you, which is what you should also be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I hope you meant that you stopped yourself from sending this text. It is an emotional one which you would be wise to avoid. As for facebook, I would guess that she is trying to get back at you in a passive-aggressive way for you exing out your tattoo. Ignore this nonsense and don't participate in it. You need to be above it. Either that or she is detaching from you, which is what you should also be doing. It's very hard for me to detach from her because I'm still so much in love with her. I just came back to my house today and checked the bathroom to see if she got everything out of the bathroom that was hers .. and she didn't. She left quite a few things of hers. Decor that her father gave her and this and that's that's just hers. My lawyer called me today and told me she talked to WS lawyer and explained she isn't as innocent as she claims she is .. because I brought up a text before that was about something and when my WS hears I'm sure she is going to say it is a lie .. whether she sent it or not but I did receive one and it was quite weird that she'd send it to me (it was about getting messed up). I wish I kind of never said anything to my lawyer about it because now I feel the pot has been stirred yet again and more distance from me my WS will maintain. I never sent her that text nor will .. she hasn't sent me a text or called me today regarding "the meeting". I was the one that was suppose to text her, but my lawyer said don't do the meeting because she doesn't trust the WS. I'm trying to keep my head above water but I feel I'm falling deeper and deeper each day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) She just sent me 3 texts back to back just now saying: 1.) hey 2.) someone quit and they gave me their hours this week so i dont have a day off now 3.) but i really want to meet next week when we both have a day off if thats okay with you still I don't know if I should even reply. Also, I want to thank everyone here for their advice and such. I think this place keeps me from going over the edge. I check this site religiously because I'm hanging by a thread. .. and is there a more detailed thing for "The 180"? A book or something? Edited November 1, 2012 by TheVoski Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Didn't reply. I guess I'm going to try my first steps of detaching and doing the 180. Hopefully, I'll get her back if not hopefully I can move on and someone who appreciates it will take me. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 She just sent me 3 texts back to back just now saying: 1.) hey 2.) someone quit and they gave me their hours this week so i dont have a day off now 3.) but i really want to meet next week when we both have a day off if thats okay with you still I don't know if I should even reply. Expect loads more texts. Personally I would have answered th 3rd one, 'I'd love to but I'm busy all next week, just on my way out, speak soon' Then just ignored all the inevitable 'Where are you?', 'who are you with?' texts. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 You need to understand that you are not powerless in this situation, right now you are acting way too emotionally. Look at it this way, imagine that you were the one who ran off with your 'dream woman', you'd be expecting your wife to be freaking out, moping, crying, wanting you back wouldn't you. How would you feel if she acted like she was fine with it, even happy for you? Would you start wondering why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Like I stated I never replied. Last few times she asked to talk on phone about it I've told her I was busy. My lawyer called me yesterday saying she talked to her lawyer and let her know my WS isn't as innocent as she is telling him. I'm just hoping the pot isn't getting stirred. I'm trying to not be emotional but it's quite hard, like I state I dream about her every night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I'm the type of person who needs step by step or details on what to do. I'm young and obviously very dumb with relationships. Is there not a book about the 180? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheVoski Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) You need to understand that you are not powerless in this situation, right now you are acting way too emotionally. Look at it this way, imagine that you were the one who ran off with your 'dream woman', you'd be expecting your wife to be freaking out, moping, crying, wanting you back wouldn't you. How would you feel if she acted like she was fine with it, even happy for you? Would you start wondering why? I believe she doesn't care at all. Some parts of me think she does but overall I really don't believe she does. I feel powerless. I just need more direction. Edited November 2, 2012 by TheVoski Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts