My Wife Left Me

[BeholdtheMan]

Our relationship has been rocky but we loved each other. 2 years into the marriage I asked for a separation. I even went as far as asking for a divorce. About 9 months into the separation. She started seeing someone, I flipped begged for her back and did whatever I could to get her.

Explain this 180 degree turn please

[Tara247]

You should have never asked her for a divorce if you didn't want one. That destroys a marriage. That should only be a last result after everything has been talked through. And you never should have seperated unless she was in agreement; you should have stayed with her and worked on the marriage.

[TheVoski]

I know my faults in the breakdown of the marriage but she never owns up to hers. I've, truthfully, never been unstable until she left me. She's always been crazy doing crazy things and then I did one crazy act. I just don't see how you go from let's have another kid and us trying and I love you to leaving. During the separation we kept in touch. Now it's like the roles are reversed this time. It she is being way vindictive. She's a bit bipolar, one emotion to the next and I feel she is doing "quick surface happiness" and it won't last. How she just switched on me makes me think it's not really over. This guy is, and I mean it, a bottom feeding loser. She has my daughter sleeping on the floor over there - he has no money, cant keep a job, and no aspirations. I love my wife and want her to come back and we fix this. It's like a small problems that need to be worked on ...

[TheVoski]

I dunno man, this relationship sounds pretty cooked and done. You separated from her for 9 months with a D pending(on your initiative), and then when she started going to someone else all of a sudden you want to be back in? Are you sure? Now things are even more crazy. Are you just jealous now that your wife is taboo? I think I would be advising her to let you go, too unstable.

 

I usually side pretty heavily with the BS since I'm one myself, but man it sounds like the marriage was already over. Did you have an affair first?

 

I never had an affair. Ever.

[Owl]

Here's the thing...reading your posts, and your descriptions of her, it sounds to me like she's perfect...if you could fix her.

 

She's bipolar, switches emotions, has unrealistic expectations, is willing to put herself in a situation where her daughter sleeps on the floor...I can go on and on.........but you overlook all of these.

 

You're not in love with HER...you're in love with YOUR VISION of her. And sadly, that vision doesn't appear to match much of what we've seen of your description of her and her actions here on this thread.

 

What you describe doesn't sound like someone CAPABLE of being the kind of wife you want.

 

Which is why so many people appear confused as to why you are so desperate to reconcile with her.

 

Given what you've described of her attitudes and behaviors, I don't even know what to suggest you do to TRY.

[TheVoski]

She felt I neglected her, that I was never really there for her. How I never stuck up for her. Those type of reasons is why she says. She texted me last night wanting to talk about our daughter. I told her I was busy and he tried an hour later and I told her I was still busy. She kind of got upset, I told her we can just do it thru text and no need to talk. She threw a few jabs at me but I pretty much ignored them. I do love her, I would like to have my family back. I feel if I was "there more for her" it wouldn't have gone this far. I just want some reconciliation. She's with this guy because he shows her attention and is romantic from what I heard people say she said.

[Sasu]

Having gone through a similar situation -

No matter how much you love her and don't want to give up even after everything happened,people change sometimes drastically for no good reasons,

 

My ex gf was like that,she had some mental issues,switching emotions drastically with no control over her feelings,she used to like guys of her type even when there was nothing missing from our relation,

 

*Do I love her ? Unsure,Im in love with vision of how she used to be,now i just care for her and worried for future of her,

*Do i want her back ? Yes

*Why ? As i am only one who understands her and believes I can give her peace .

 

Dun give up but don't try anymore,you can't do anything besides staying calm,collected and pretend you don't care anymore,set her free completely from your life,she'll sow her nuts and return if she ever comes back to her senses ( which i don't really think she will ,being honest )

Edited October 30, 2012 by Sasu

[TheVoski]

I don't see how she won't realize the situation she is in. I cling to hope cause everyone including her friends say she'll come back eventually.

[Owl]

OK...well here's my thoughts.

 

Reconciliation in this case is going to be tough.

 

Here are some key thoughts for you to keep in mind.

 

Women cannot be in love with a man that they cannot respect.

 

Women cannot respect a man that treats them horribly.

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can treat horribly.

 

Women can respect a man who sets and enforces boundaries. Someone who treats them respectfully, but at the same time accepts nothing less for himself.

 

That is the kind of man you need to become.

 

You need to treat her respectfully...but demand respect in return. You need to ensure that she understands that you're fighting for your marriage, that you're willing to consider and make long term changes to fix your part in it. SHe also needs to understand that you will NOT accept her continuation of the affair, or any interaction with OM. She needs to know that you will NOT accept anything less than the proper care of your children.

 

The 180 is one way to demonstrate this, by becoming much less "needy" and "clingy"...both of which detract from her ability to respect you.

 

At the same time, you need to demonstrate to her that you're fighting for the marriage. This is where exposure comes in. Many folks have varied opinions on this, but the bottom line is that your wife needs to be UNCOMFORTABLE with continuing the affair. This is accomplished by exposing her actions to those that would not approve but have her respect and she'd not want to have them disapprove of her.

 

Go over to marriagebuilders.com, read their free material. I do not suggest the forums there, but the free material on the lovebank, emotional needs, Plan A, and Plan B are good starting points for you to consider.

 

Consider picking up a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs" and/or "Surviving an Affair".

 

That should get you started.

[Owl]

I posted some advice for you, but since it contained a website address it won't show up right away...I'm going to repost now without the full address. You'll understand the address as needed:

 

OK...well here's my thoughts.

 

Reconciliation in this case is going to be tough.

 

Here are some key thoughts for you to keep in mind.

 

Women cannot be in love with a man that they cannot respect.

 

Women cannot respect a man that treats them horribly.

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can treat horribly.

 

Women can respect a man who sets and enforces boundaries. Someone who treats them respectfully, but at the same time accepts nothing less for himself.

 

That is the kind of man you need to become.

 

You need to treat her respectfully...but demand respect in return. You need to ensure that she understands that you're fighting for your marriage, that you're willing to consider and make long term changes to fix your part in it. SHe also needs to understand that you will NOT accept her continuation of the affair, or any interaction with OM. She needs to know that you will NOT accept anything less than the proper care of your children.

 

The 180 is one way to demonstrate this, by becoming much less "needy" and "clingy"...both of which detract from her ability to respect you.

 

At the same time, you need to demonstrate to her that you're fighting for the marriage. This is where exposure comes in. Many folks have varied opinions on this, but the bottom line is that your wife needs to be UNCOMFORTABLE with continuing the affair. This is accomplished by exposing her actions to those that would not approve but have her respect and she'd not want to have them disapprove of her.

 

Go over to marriagebuilders dot com, read their free material. I do not suggest the forums there, but the free material on the lovebank, emotional needs, Plan A, and Plan B are good starting points for you to consider.

 

Consider picking up a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs" and/or "Surviving an Affair".

 

That should get you started.

[Sasu]

Be hopeful but don't cling on it,

 

-Sometimes people change when life takes a roll on them,bad times are what makes people remember who were there for them always,give it time.

-And its also true that sometimes some people just never learn ,

 

Don't think much of her,Its hard to do but think of it like if she would be wanting you ,she would be with you now.If she is not does that mean you were not good enough for her ? Nope,to put it simple she got issues & she will hurt you or people around her more if shes aroused.

 

Don't contact her now & think about everything you did for her,this alone will help you feel more secure and you will feel better as a person.Sure u still love her & you'll take her back if she'll have a change of personality someday,But make sure it shouldn't be because you need her ,it should be about her needing you then.

Get stronger ^^

Edited October 30, 2012 by Sasu

[TheVoski]

DHR is involved visiting where I live and where she now stays. I have a feeling I will be blamed because when they go over there they won't like the conditions.

[Owl]

DHR is involved visiting where I live and where she now stays. I have a feeling I will be blamed because when they go over there they won't like the conditions.

 

Then tell them to remove the children from your wife's custody and place them in yours. OFFER that up as a solution even before they go if you can.

[TheVoski]

Then tell them to remove the children from your wife's custody and place them in yours. OFFER that up as a solution even before they go if you can.

 

She's been at my parents for stability. My WS doesn't like it, she won't see the reason. They visited my parents house today and going to the place he's laid up in today too.

[BetrayedH]

She felt I neglected her, that I was never really there for her. How I never stuck up for her. Those type of reasons is why she says. She texted me last night wanting to talk about our daughter. I told her I was busy and he tried an hour later and I told her I was still busy. She kind of got upset, I told her we can just do it thru text and no need to talk. She threw a few jabs at me but I pretty much ignored them. I do love her, I would like to have my family back. I feel if I was "there more for her" it wouldn't have gone this far. I just want some reconciliation. She's with this guy because he shows her attention and is romantic from what I heard people say she said.

 

You should certainly engage her on conversations about your daughter (you probably shouldn't be "too busy" to discuss your daughter) but I liked that you suggested it be by text. As Owl's post recently suggested, I think you need to make it clear that the continuation of her affair is an unacceptable condition. As long as she continues it, she should expect to have no personal relationship with you, that your only communication will be about your daughter, finances, or divorce, and that said communication will be by text or email. Let her get angry about this and keep the boundary in place. Again, show her your strength.

[BetrayedH]

I assume that DHR is some kind of governmental Department of Children and Families.

 

Great steps. I hope you get custody of your child and I hope that it makes your wife hopping mad. It may be at you for the time being but the reality (which she will know inside) is that this is a direct result of her actions. As has been said before, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions and she needs to be made uncomfortable with continuing them. Having a governmental agency making decisions about the custody of her child will do exactly that. I hope your home is the most suitable place.

[TheVoski]

My house is way more suitable. 4 bdr, 2 bath - paid for. She stays in a 1 bdr apartment (that is the OP) that only has a couch, coffee table, an old model big screen TV, and a mini fridge. They sleep on the couch and my daughter was sleeping on the floor

 

I just have no clue what she is thinking. I'm a the bookstore right now reading Divorce Busting. I'm so lost I dont know what to do.

[BetrayedH]

My house is way more suitable. 4 bdr, 2 bath - paid for. She stays in a 1 bdr apartment (that is the OP) that only has a couch, coffee table, an old model big screen TV, and a mini fridge. They sleep on the couch and my daughter was sleeping on the floor

 

I just have no clue what she is thinking. I'm a the bookstore right now reading Divorce Busting. I'm so lost I dont know what to do.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. Educate yourself. You are looking for a long-term solution, not just today's solution. The real solution is going to take a long time to take effect, if it ever does.

 

Again, I suggest you file for divorce. There is no quicker and clearer way to send the message that you will not stand for this type of behavior, to burst the fantasy affair bubble, and to start rebuilding your own self-respect. As well, she may start to respect you when she realizes that she cannot walk all over you, keep doing what she is doing, and suffer no consequences. If you want things to change, you have to change things up. It will either get her moving in your direction or you will see that filing for D is what you needed to do after all. I also think it has the side benefit of showing your daughter not to accept unacceptable behavior. In the future, would you want her waiting around for a wayward husband that moved in with another woman? I doubt it.

[TheVoski]

Keep doing what you are doing. Educate yourself. You are looking for a long-term solution, not just today's solution. The real solution is going to take a long time to take effect, if it ever does.

 

Again, I suggest you file for divorce. There is no quicker and clearer way to send the message that you will not stand for this type of behavior, to burst the fantasy affair bubble, and to start rebuilding your own self-respect. As well, she may start to respect you when she realizes that she cannot walk all over you, keep doing what she is doing, and suffer no consequences. If you want things to change, you have to change things up. It will either get her moving in your direction or you will see that filing for D is what you needed to do after all. I also think it has the side benefit of showing your daughter not to accept unacceptable behavior. In the future, would you want her waiting around for a wayward husband that moved in with another woman? I doubt it.

 

I filed and she was served two weeks ago with me going for full custody. She just got her a lawyer and files a counter complaint last week.

[BetrayedH]

I filed and she was served two weeks ago with me going for full custody. She just got her a lawyer and files a counter complaint last week.

 

Then I'm sorry to say that I have little more that I can advise you to do. You cannot change people. If she is going to look her consequences straight in the face and still choose the douchebag, you cannot stop her.

 

I hope you are setting a precedent that you have at least 50/50 custody on a time sharing plan that works well for your daughter. Focus on demonstrating that your focus is on what is best for the child. Assure that she gets to school. Take ownership of doctor's appts, teacher conferences, homework, quality meals, and so forth. Document everything. Keep communication with your wife in writing. Most states are "no fault" which means they don't much care who is at fault in a divorce; they just split the kids, the stuff, and the debt in half. That said, while my state is considered a no fault state, a judge is still permitted to take infidelity into account when determining child custody and support. What does your attorney say? Oh, and what the hell is your wife's counter complaint?

[TheVoski]

Then I'm sorry to say that I have little more that I can advise you to do. You cannot change people. If she is going to look her consequences straight in the face and still choose the douchebag, you cannot stop her.

 

I hope you are setting a precedent that you have at least 50/50 custody on a time sharing plan that works well for your daughter. Focus on demonstrating that your focus is on what is best for the child. Assure that she gets to school. Take ownership of doctor's appts, teacher conferences, homework, quality meals, and so forth. Document everything. Keep communication with your wife in writing. Most states are "no fault" which means they don't much care who is at fault in a divorce; they just split the kids, the stuff, and the debt in half. That said, while my state is considered a no fault state, a judge is still permitted to take infidelity into account when determining child custody and support. What does your attorney say? Oh, and what the hell is your wife's counter complaint?

 

That she left cause of violence. That I threw a bottle at her - which I threw on the ground away from her. That I mentally and physically abused her. A lot of lies.

[Owl]

That she left cause of violence. That I threw a bottle at her - which I threw on the ground away from her. That I mentally and physically abused her. A lot of lies.

 

But you were arrested for assaulting the OM, yes?

 

Not saying that how you felt was unwarranted...but that's going to make refuting her claims a lot more difficult.

 

After re-reading your initial post, I'd say that both of you displayed a lot of dysfunctional behavior.

 

What you need to focus on first is correcting yours.

 

MAYBE...and ONLY maybe...once you've made changes for the better it may prompt changes in her. If nothing else, at least it'll create a better environment for your daughter.

 

The problem is...you can't fix your wife. Only she can...and only if she chooses to do so.

 

Again...I don't see a lot of hope here.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you have a stable job and a 4 bedroom house that you own. She's shacking up with some dude in a one bedroom apartment. To be honest, a judge can really give a damn about your marriage. The only thing he or she will give a damn about is the welfare of the child. You can prove that you're the more stable of the parents, chances are you're going to get custody of your daughter. Until your wife's living situations changes (and then she'll have to re-petition) then she can go for joint custody.

[TheVoski]

Update: My WS called me today to inform she just found out DHR is involved, said my parents called them, I told her no it was because of reports. DHR showed up when I was on the phone with her I got off, I dealt with them, good meeting. Well, I called her back. We had a 17 minute conversation. She brought up how I separated from her in the past and threw her away and she had to spend holidays alone (which she didn't - even made it a point to do Thanksgiving with her during it). I apologized, she told me not to. The conversation was pretty much her putting blame on me how she knows she's gonna lose the kid and if she does I will. She continues to say she is broke and works just like I do and she doesn't understand how I have money and insists my parents are giving it to me. I said no, I got promoted at work and got a raise 2 weeks ago. Shes like thats great your life is just going good - but being sarcastic. She brings up she has court for her suspended license and tickets and doesn't have money to pay it. Pretty much implying times are tough for her. I said that doesn't concern me and she was like yes it does. She says I'm trying to control her life through our daughter. She even brought up "i'm not going to come back to you. we're never gonna be back together" and i replied "i've come to terms with that. i'm okay with that. i know this". Then in mid sentence I guess her phone died and I just sent a text saying "Call me if you want when you can".

 

I don't understand what the point of this convo was, she even stated she wanted to do a sit down talk with me. Why would you state that you're never coming back? I mean, you pretty much stated that with all that has happened - why bring it back up. I want her to call back so we can continue the convo so I can be more calm (which I was but not let the convo go where it was going). I felt like it bothered her that I got a promotion and that the fact that I am back living in the house and not on my friend's couch. I really wanna say "this is all happening because of the decisions you made - you in this situation because of you not me."

 

I'm just confused.

[TheVoski]

But you were arrested for assaulting the OM, yes?

 

Not saying that how you felt was unwarranted...but that's going to make refuting her claims a lot more difficult.

 

After re-reading your initial post, I'd say that both of you displayed a lot of dysfunctional behavior.

 

What you need to focus on first is correcting yours.

 

MAYBE...and ONLY maybe...once you've made changes for the better it may prompt changes in her. If nothing else, at least it'll create a better environment for your daughter.

 

The problem is...you can't fix your wife. Only she can...and only if she chooses to do so.

 

Again...I don't see a lot of hope here.

 

I was only charged with burglary. I don't know why, I didn't steal anything. Obviously it's because I went there and kicked his door in.