My Wife Left Me

[Fishermanj]

TheVoski,

 

I feel for you man! That situation sucks. Seems like we have a lot of the same nonsense in common. I have the same issue of loving my wife too damn much. Some if the comments in your thread apply to my situation too. I am not where you are yet ready to do a 180. D-day was just 3 days ago. How long did it take you to get here?

[TheVoski]

TheVoski,

 

I feel for you man! That situation sucks. Seems like we have a lot of the same nonsense in common. I have the same issue of loving my wife too damn much. Some if the comments in your thread apply to my situation too. I am not where you are yet ready to do a 180. D-day was just 3 days ago. How long did it take you to get here?

 

She left for 3 days around the end of September and on the 3rd day she said it was over and that night she slept with the OM. The next day we reconcile and try to move past it and work on us. Rocky 2 weeks, she leaves me Oct. 2 and I am tore up for a week - boozing and such and then I get arrested Oct.8/9 for going over to OM apartment and kicking in the door and assaulting him while she was there. .. So Oct. 2 till now. I don't know what people mean when they say "how did you get to the point where you wanted to do the 180". .. I'm doing the 180 in hopes of getting my WS back isn't that what its pretty much for? .. if not then I'm sure the 180 is going to help me move on. I'm still struggling by the hour. Each morning is a struggle and I have multiple dreams a night about my WS.

[Owl]

The 180 serves a dual purpose. It let's the other person believe that you're "moving on"...that you're withdrawing from them. Most of the time, when you withdraw, they 'step closer' to fill that gap, without even realizing it.

 

But it's other purpose is to help you to see that you CAN live without them. It helps you build self-confidence and self-assurance that you'll make it through this regardless of her choices.

 

And that's true.

 

I'm going to say this to you again.

 

Women cannot respect a man who begs for them, pleads with them to come back. Women cannot respect a man who is desperate for them. Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like crap and yet still "needs" them in their lives.

 

And a woman cannot fall/remain in love with a man that she cannot respect.

 

Your neediness, your desperation that's so clear in your posts here...are the very things that drive her away.

 

You need to start acting like a man that your wife can respect. Sit down, think about that for a minute. Draw up a list of things that you know that your wife respects...and start demonstrating those things in your life today.

 

Self-confidence. Well-dressed. Well-mannered. Cool and reserved. Thoughtful. Well-groomed. Confident. Charming. Casual. Kind. Caring.

 

Things like begging, crying, whining, chasing after her, neediness, clingyness, dependence upon for her for your happiness....all of these are things that will PREVENT her from ever falling in love with you again.

 

Get a life without her. Hit the gym. Clean the house. Take walks. Get a dog. Learn to cook gourmet meals. Have a beer. Watch the game. Hang out with friends. Take up martial arts. BBQ in your backyard. Work on a home improvement project. Take a weekend out hiking/camping.

 

Use these things to fill that time you used to spend with her...to take up the time you spending missing/pining for her.

 

THAT, my friend, is the 180 and why it works.

[TheVoski]

The 180 serves a dual purpose. It let's the other person believe that you're "moving on"...that you're withdrawing from them. Most of the time, when you withdraw, they 'step closer' to fill that gap, without even realizing it.

 

But it's other purpose is to help you to see that you CAN live without them. It helps you build self-confidence and self-assurance that you'll make it through this regardless of her choices.

 

And that's true.

 

I'm going to say this to you again.

 

Women cannot respect a man who begs for them, pleads with them to come back. Women cannot respect a man who is desperate for them. Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like crap and yet still "needs" them in their lives.

 

And a woman cannot fall/remain in love with a man that she cannot respect.

 

Your neediness, your desperation that's so clear in your posts here...are the very things that drive her away.

 

You need to start acting like a man that your wife can respect. Sit down, think about that for a minute. Draw up a list of things that you know that your wife respects...and start demonstrating those things in your life today.

 

Self-confidence. Well-dressed. Well-mannered. Cool and reserved. Thoughtful. Well-groomed. Confident. Charming. Casual. Kind. Caring.

 

Things like begging, crying, whining, chasing after her, neediness, clingyness, dependence upon for her for your happiness....all of these are things that will PREVENT her from ever falling in love with you again.

 

Get a life without her. Hit the gym. Clean the house. Take walks. Get a dog. Learn to cook gourmet meals. Have a beer. Watch the game. Hang out with friends. Take up martial arts. BBQ in your backyard. Work on a home improvement project. Take a weekend out hiking/camping.

 

Use these things to fill that time you used to spend with her...to take up the time you spending missing/pining for her.

 

THAT, my friend, is the 180 and why it works.

 

I appreciate this. I show desperation in posts here but believe me, I don't show it to her anymore last two weeks or so I've been very reserved and try to not talk or even meet her. I only saw her for and hour and a half to to trick or great with our daughter and when she tried to talk about things I told her now is

Not the time we are with our daughter

[TheVoski]

When does it get it easier? She called me today around 5p and left a voicemail saying "hey .. Umm .. Call me when you get this bye." which I never responded too. I feel I'm losing her more and more each day.

[BetrayedH]

When does it get it easier? She called me today around 5p and left a voicemail saying "hey .. Umm .. Call me when you get this bye." which I never responded too. I feel I'm losing her more and more each day.

 

It takes a hell of a long time. I'm at a year and a half and I'm not fully healed. I would say that I turned a bit of a corner once I decided that we were going to divorce. I deserved better. Then you start looking forward to a better/second life. This is why so many here will advise you to just divorce and get there sooner. If she convinces you that she's remorsful and going to do everything in her power to make it up to you, then considering it is probably wise. In the meantime, you're selling yourself short and that will hurt as long as you let it continue. Some people have patience for that; others don't. Some spouses come around; others don't.

 

I would answer her VM with a text asking what she needs. If it is about coparenting, discuss it by text. If it is personal, say that you're not having personal conversations with her until she leaves her OM and recommits to her marriage. Put a clear boundary in place. You're not there for her in that way anymore and you are moving on with your life. This is a natural consequence of her actions and a boundary you should expect her to respect.

[TheVoski]

It takes a hell of a long time. I'm at a year and a half and I'm not fully healed. I would say that I turned a bit of a corner once I decided that we were going to divorce. I deserved better. Then you start looking forward to a better/second life. This is why so many here will advise you to just divorce and get there sooner. If she convinces you that she's remorsful and going to do everything in her power to make it up to you, then considering it is probably wise. In the meantime, you're selling yourself short and that will hurt as long as you let it continue. Some people have patience for that; others don't. Some spouses come around; others don't.

 

I would answer her VM with a text asking what she needs. If it is about coparenting, discuss it by text. If it is personal, say that you're not having personal conversations with her until she leaves her OM and recommits to her marriage. Put a clear boundary in place. You're not there for her in that way anymore and you are moving on with your life. This is a natural consequence of her actions and a boundary you should expect her to respect.

 

If she texts or calls again, I guess, that's what I'll do. I'm starting the 180 as best as I can so I'm doing the distance and no contact. I figured if it's about her getting her furniture or something like that and I didn't answer she would of called my parents to try to get them to reach me about it. I just keep wondering how long is she going to continue to struggle financially with this OM. This guy has nothing.

[TheVoski]

She doesn't even call to check on our daughter do I don't know why she would want to talk to me about her.

[BetrayedH]

She doesn't even call to check on our daughter do I don't know why she would want to talk to me about her.

 

You can't go "no contact" when you have to coparent. My ex and I text almost daily about homework, school projects, shared expenses, field trips, etc.. We don't talk on the phone; we don't meet in person (except weekly when I drop off the kids or for parent/teacher conferences). I know a 4-year old probably doesn't involve all of this but you need to interact, respond to msgs. Be courteous but otherwise keep focused on those tasks and politely end the conversation. I never fail to respond to a msg unless it is something interpersonal that I don't want to engage with her on. I say please and thank you. She's like a coworker that you don't like to engage but have to in order to do your job.

[TheVoski]

I'm just really confused. At first she never would text or call me. Now she has called or text almost everyday this week and since Halloween she's texted me about trying to meet to discuss thigs and then that Vm has me wondering why she would want Me to call her back. Maybe it's like Owl said? I step away and now she's stepping towards? I don't know, I'm really confused.

[TheVoski]

She leaves me a voicemail today being ignorant. Saying my whole name and that she wants to talk to our daughter knowing she's at my parents. In the VM she says my parents aren't answering. Which obviously mean their busy not hearing phone. I just sent a text saying "If you want to talk to her call my parents, not me."

 

I give it 3 months and she's pregnant by this guy. She does t realize, which everyone around her has and tells her, her actions and such are screwing her in court. She even saying she has a BRAND NEW bed for our daughter over at OM house. The court will not allow sleep overs when we divorce. It's stated in all Alabama divorces. I just don't understand how she can be so blind and stupid.

[whichwayisup]

he even saying she has a BRAND NEW bed for our daughter over at OM house. The court will not allow sleep overs when we divorce. It's stated in all Alabama divorces. I just don't understand how she can be so blind and stupid.

NO WAY should she be around the OM. So glad the courts on your side..Your daughters side!

 

She is being stupid, selfish and blind. It makes me sick that she isn't seeing the reality of the situation, especially when it comes to her own daughter! So sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. Just sucks!

[BetrayedH]

I'm just really confused. At first she never would text or call me. Now she has called or text almost everyday this week and since Halloween she's texted me about trying to meet to discuss thigs and then that Vm has me wondering why she would want Me to call her back. Maybe it's like Owl said? I step away and now she's stepping towards? I don't know, I'm really confused.

 

Your use of the 180 (as imperfect as it's been) is having an impact on her. You are no longer desperately pursuing her. She's no longer in control. She wants to be in control and she's losing more control every day. This is why she is now initiating contact more frequently. Your detachment from her is unexpected. By the way, I think your text response was perfect.

[TheVoski]

It takes a hell of a long time. I'm at a year and a half and I'm not fully healed. I would say that I turned a bit of a corner once I decided that we were going to divorce. I deserved better. Then you start looking forward to a better/second life. This is why so many here will advise you to just divorce and get there sooner. If she convinces you that she's remorsful and going to do everything in her power to make it up to you, then considering it is probably wise. In the meantime, you're selling yourself short and that will hurt as long as you let it continue. Some people have patience for that; others don't. Some spouses come around; others don't.

 

I would answer her VM with a text asking what she needs. If it is about coparenting, discuss it by text. If it is personal, say that you're not having personal conversations with her until she leaves her OM and recommits to her marriage. Put a clear boundary in place. You're not there for her in that way anymore and you are moving on with your life. This is a natural consequence of her actions and a boundary you should expect her to respect.

 

Your use of the 180 (as imperfect as it's been) is having an impact on her. You are no longer desperately pursuing her. She's no longer in control. She wants to be in control and she's losing more control every day. This is why she is now initiating contact more frequently. Your detachment from her is unexpected. By the way, I think your text response was perfect.

 

I was around a mutual friend of ours which is like my WS only friend now. The friend states that my WS says she's in love with the OM and that my WS never listens when the friend tells her she's being unfair and wrong. Her response she said is either nothing or saying its not illegal what she's doing and that it's wrong how I treated all these years. I did receive a text from her after I said call my parents note but it was just "I already talked to her". Do you really believe the 180 is having an impact on her? The OM is a immature 23 year old I found out last night.

[seibert253]

You going 180 is starting to have it's unintended consequences, driving the WS batty. Remember, the 180 is to help you detach and heal, not to bring her home. Stay focused on that and it wiil get easier over time.

 

Keep up the good work. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

[TheVoski]

You going 180 is starting to have it's unintended consequences, driving the WS batty. Remember, the 180 is to help you detach and heal, not to bring her home. Stay focused on that and it wiil get easier over time.

 

Keep up the good work. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

I want to bring her closer not push her away.

[TheVoski]

My whole plan is to bring her closer and to win her back. Like I said she was unhappy but it was like she switched a light switch from me to the OM. I'm doing the 180 to get her back without looking desperate. I believe I'll never be over her and she'll always be my one true love.

[karnak]

My whole plan is to bring her closer and to win her back. Like I said she was unhappy but it was like she switched a light switch from me to the OM. I'm doing the 180 to get her back without looking desperate. I believe I'll never be over her and she'll always be my one true love.

 

You're going to lose her, thinking and acting as you do now.

[BetrayedH]

I was around a mutual friend of ours which is like my WS only friend now. The friend states that my WS says she's in love with the OM and that my WS never listens when the friend tells her she's being unfair and wrong. Her response she said is either nothing or saying its not illegal what she's doing and that it's wrong how I treated all these years. I did receive a text from her after I said call my parents note but it was just "I already talked to her". Do you really believe the 180 is having an impact on her? The OM is a immature 23 year old I found out last night.

 

Doesn't sound good, Voski. I believe with most women, by the time they are in an affair they have been done with the marriage for a while. After having spent 18 months here, filing for divorce, doing the 180 and detaching is the best move I know. Anything else is pretty much a guaranteed failure. I wish I knew what else to tell you, my friend. You have the same difficult path to acceptance as many before you. You need to start taking card of yourself, Voski. You need to find strength for yourself and your daughter.

[TheVoski]

No call or text from WS yesterday (Sunday). Everyone says once the newness wears off or the relationship doesn't work she'll come back. Like I stated I don't see how she goes from wanting to have another kid to literally just giving up and going with OM two days later. I'm a way better man than the OM - he can't support himself let alone her and a child. I love her so much it's like I can't give up hope. I'm focusing on myself and child now. Eventually she's gotta notice the grave she dug herself. I just can't give up on her.

[TheVoski]

Also, I've read I need to be nice should I shoot her a text in regards to our daughter saying that she needs to have a day with her? My daughter misses her and saw her for like 2 hrs on Halloween? My wife can't drive and doesn't have money so I don't know how that situation would go. Opinions?

[BetrayedH]

Also, I've read I need to be nice should I shoot her a text in regards to our daughter saying that she needs to have a day with her? My daughter misses her and saw her for like 2 hrs on Halloween? My wife can't drive and doesn't have money so I don't know how that situation would go. Opinions?

 

So what are you doing in terms of shared custody or visitation? Your wife has a right to shared custody. I can certainly understand objections to your daughter being around the OM but your daughter is best served by having routine contact with both parents. Will your wife agree to custody/visitation without the OM being around? Has she taken no initiative to see her daughter? What does your attorney say? What is the involvement of your parents? Other than while you are at work, is your daughter always with you?

[TheVoski]

So what are you doing in terms of shared custody or visitation? Your wife has a right to shared custody. I can certainly understand objections to your daughter being around the OM but your daughter is best served by having routine contact with both parents. Will your wife agree to custody/visitation without the OM being around? Has she taken no initiative to see her daughter? What does your attorney say? What is the involvement of your parents? Other than while you are at work, is your daughter always with you?

 

My daughter is staying at my parents till mine her things are in order. Attorney agreed to that. My wife has a suspended license and no money. She barely calls her and likes to state we keep her from her. Which we don't, she can go see her or pick her up. She always has an excuse. Which is like he doesn't have money for gas, etc

Edited November 5, 2012 by TheVoski

[robf1971]

Also, I've read I need to be nice should I shoot her a text in regards to our daughter saying that she needs to have a day with her? My daughter misses her and saw her for like 2 hrs on Halloween? My wife can't drive and doesn't have money so I don't know how that situation would go. Opinions?

 

Your wife needs to be getting a better job and learning to drive then.

[TheVoski]

It's over. It's officially over. Too much anger and resentment from both of us. She implies OM is in her life forever and she even semi implied marriage.