Still loving my friend

[DontWorryBHappy]

I've posted about my feelings for my best friend before, and since the saga still continues, (and because work is always unbearably slow..), I'm here again today.

 

My friendship with S has really blossomed. I would consider him to be my best friend, without any doubt. Our relationship seems to have a give-and-take theme. We do things for eachother all the time - like this weekend when he became sick with the flu (or something like it) I took care of him at his place and made medicine and supplies runs for him. He had asked me to come over, and wanted me to stay that night too (to look after him) and I did. Last night I stayed at his place again and we talked about our families, hopes and fears, and he opened up to me a little more than he typically does. As usual, nothing happened when we slept beside each other that night, and it was harder than usual to not snuggle up with him.

 

At first, this was someone who I had a crush on.. we had fun, clicked really well, and were building a fast friendship. Now, this is someone that I trust, value, and laugh with until my eyes are tearing. Someone that I drop everything for to help and who appreciates it when I do. And someone who shows me that he values me, too.

 

And all of that is beautiful. But I also know that it's been getting harder and harder to hold my tongue when I'm around him and I have a serious urge to share the scope of my feelings. But I know I won't actually do it, because my fear overrides the urge.

 

If I told him, I could lose the guy who texts and calls at random times, who has sleepovers with me, makes me laugh and smile, and visits me at work more than once in a day. I could threaten the integrity of the friendship, because everything that I do may be judged as having a hidden motive (as in, that I'm just hoping he'll date me). Plus in a way, as long as I hold in my feelings, I still have some kind of leverage in this situation. I already know that I'm loved as a friend, so for now I can't be rejected and can still enjoy him.. know what I mean? From the moment he knows the truth I become fully vulnerable and have no way to hide.

 

We have a New Years trip planned to New York City, and I've been thinking that I'd tell him after that, if I tell him at all, or if I don't end up telling him sooner.

 

The joy of being with the one who lights up my heart, but not completely in the way I want to be...

[xdahliax]

I gave you my opinion on this earlier. You mentioned how you didn't want to ruin your trip to NYC. What exactly do you want to hear at this point?

[DontWorryBHappy]

Nothing really. This site is like my journal. If anyone wants to share their experiences or comment they can. If not, it'll be hidden under other more popular threads soon enough. lol

[DontWorryBHappy]

Honestly, I'm terrified.

 

Today he visited me at work, which he usually does, and it was cool. Then when I was finishing my shift he asked me to go get food with him. Sometimes when I see him he acts excited to see me, but at other times he acts kind of "whatever" about it. For example today, I came to meet him after my shift and he acted very "cool" about me being there. Like it wasn't a big deal, and he was distracting himself with his phone in-between talking to me. But then yesterday he was looking at me, smiling, being more flirty.. It is odd. I can't read him at all.

 

I'm starting to feel depressed about it. Because this feels like a lose-lose. To be honest, I'm going with the thought that he probably just sees me as a good friend, possibly even a best friend, and that I'm just not his type so he'd tell me we are best as friends. So with that in mind, if I tell him I could lose this incredible friendship that I've grown to love more than anything. Things could get all awkward and just not be the same, and if that happened, it really would devastate me.

 

We actually do not "cuddle". Any time I've ever slept in his bed, I've had a separate blanket and we basically don't touch. We sleep. I've slept there so many times.

 

Today I've had a huge urge to just spill it and tell him, but every time I think maybe I will, the anxiety about losing what I DO have with him is so great that I keep my mouth shut. I've been trying to buy my time, hoping that maybe at one point he would share his feelings for me if he does have any. I wonder if there is any way that I can just be ok with not knowing. Do I really have to tell him? Can I teach myself to just roll with whatever happens, without declaring or confessing feelings?

 

I've confessed my feelings to guys before in the past, but I never had a true, close friendship as I do with this one. So this one is much riskier than any other confession I've made in my past... Right now I'm just trying to take my mind of it. I'm about to go play the piano and maybe go to sleep early or something. Tomorrow is always another day :/.