How Do You Keep From Encouraging Divorce When It Is What You Want?

[notquitesure]

Hi,

Here is my delima. I was in love with someone for years. I dated him briefly when we were much younger and we really split for no reason. Since then him and I have always had a special relationship, we just understand each other. He has been there for me through some really difficult situations including being there for me when I was pregnant and the dad was not. Needless to say he has stood by me when my life has been rough. I did not tell him that I still had very strong feelings for him because I didn't feel worthy of him and I couldn't bear to loose him as a friend. He got married about a year and a half ago and just confided in me that the marriage is not in a good place for the last half a year maybe more. I just recently got over him, or so I thought. His email to me had a definate undertone in it and I am wondering if a previous conversation we had did not let him onto the fact that I had feelings for him for a long time. (I had several friends look at the email and they all thought there was definately something going on with it. One of my friends has called it the "I want to have an affair with you" email. My friend thought he might have had feelings for me at the same time that I did not see based on the way that he talked about me. I ache to tell him how I felt and ask him about his email but in the same respect I absolutley do not want to steer him in anyway about his marriage so I know that I cannot do that. I also don't want him to feel like I am not supportive of him but it kills me just to hear the things that are going on. I hate that he hurts and knowig that he was happy was the only thing that made me come to terms with his marriage.

[rachelcarney]

If you are as good friends as you say, you should be able to talk him. If there is any chance for you having a loving relationship, you need to be able to talk to him.

 

I would suggest being honest with him. Tell him, "I still have feelings for you, so I am not the best person for you to be confiding your marriage troubles to. I don't want to affect your marriage, so please don't put me in the position of consoling you about it or giving you advice about it." When you've done this, you need to back off and not talk to him. If you're there in his face, he might be thinking that there's something better out there than his marriage, and that will negatively affect his marriage, so once you tell him how you feel, you need to make distance. Then wait. If he leaves his wife, you can potentially have a relationship with him. If he doesn't, you'll know that you told him how you feel.

 

If you are interested in having a long-term relationship with him, you need to NOT have an affair with him! If you've waited this long, you'll be happier in the long run if you wait until his marriage is properly over.