I'm Married, got to close to someone, that's over, but I'm sad

[Steen719]

Truth is, she's not a naive 18 year old, she's 30 and maybe it wasn't your charm but the $$$$ that probably charmed her. She knew you were married, she knew enough to not tell you about her boyfriend. If anyone was played it was you.

 

Yep, and OP, what is Ooooops and how many times can you claim that?

[waterwoman]

Ahem, OP! I'm sure it was an oversight, but you didn't mention your wife at all? I am guessing that was a mistake? You obviously meant to mention that you feel bad about your wife too-you know the one that you've been married to for 20 years and who has born your 3 kids? You were intending to go on at length about your guilt and your concern for her welfare. Weren't you?

[waterwoman]

Ohhhh .... you did in a later post. Sorry I take it back.

 

I don't think you should automatically tell your wife. It was a relatively innocent flirtation and it's ended. I suspect your friend didn't take it anything like as seriously as you did. Your call.

[Decorative]

Comeon, what do you think is missing from your marriage? Something is.

 

Something is missing from him, not necessarily his marriage.

[Snowflower]

comeon, how are you doing? As I expected, there is the whole barrage of "the you need to your wife asap" advice.

 

I think you need to get your head on straight before you tell her though. I see a lot of encouraging things in your posts...you seem to realize your weaknesses and when you are rationalizing your behavior/decisions. You also seem to really love your wife.

 

FWIW, it's good you have been proactive about counseling. So many WS (my husband included) seem to shy away from that type of introspection. Keep going and explore why you did this.

 

I agree with the other poster who said your friend played you. It doesn't seem that you hid the fact from her that you were married. I assume you wear a ring? However, she hid the fact from you that she had a boyfriend. Hello, if the two of you were such good friends, then she would have/should have said something and referred to him frequently. I think she was a player. She loved your gifts, attention and flattery and used that to her benefit. Really? A trip to California? A decent woman would have turned that down because you are married and she has a boyfriend. It was inappropriate of you to offer and inappropriate of her to accept. She was playing you big time...and you let her.

 

Something to explore in counseling.

 

Keep up the good work!

[BetrayedH]

I would agree that you don't need to inform your wife immediately. You don't need this secret between you for life but doing a good amount of introspection prior to disclosure is a darn good idea. Your honesty with her will likely be rewarded much more than you expect. It is amazing what voluntary vulnerability will buy you with a spouse. You may discover a more intimate connection from that than you have ever had before.

 

Besides "Not Just Friends," I also recommend you get, "How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." It is a quick read and will give you a decent foundation. And yes, self-initiated individual counseling is another great step. And I agree with Snowflower that determining your "why" is the key. You'd like to avoid this type of problem in the future and your wife will also want to have a sense of confidence that you have learned enough about yourself to avoid it in the future, too. Surface answers (she was young, etc) are usually just that. It's wise to dig much deeper. You made decisions that you would probably say were against your own standards and you took a risk of hurting your family and nearly created a huge mess over your hairdresser (no offense to her intended). Why would you do that? The real answers typically go back to your family of origin. Somewhere along the line you developed an excessive need for external validation (my guess in your case), an overblown sense of entitlement (also possible considering your lifestyle), or became severely conflict-avoidant. Recent external stressors/major life events can also be a factor (pregnancy, death of a loved one, military service, etc). The trick is to better understand why this became a coping mechanism for you so that you can better recognize and avoid it in the future.

 

Good luck.

[comeon]

comeon:

 

Are you my husband?????? If it were not for the age of the lady you got close to, I would say you were my husband. My H's story is so similar to yours and I would have loved to be able to pm you and get some insight that would help me understand his state of mind at that time. I have so much to ask......

 

I don't think I'm your husband

 

If I could possibly help anyone from all of this I'd be so very happy to. My words are 100% real and if you're ok with it feel free to ask anything you want in this forum? not sure how to do the private message thing. I'd be glad to say exactly what I think I'm feeling and while I'm sure this is a bad thing for you maybe I can help you understand.

[comeon]

I would agree that you don't need to inform your wife immediately. You don't need this secret between you for life but doing a good amount of introspection prior to disclosure is a darn good idea. Your honesty with her will likely be rewarded much more than you expect. It is amazing what voluntary vulnerability will buy you with a spouse. You may discover a more intimate connection from that than you have ever had before.

 

Besides "Not Just Friends," I also recommend you get, "How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." It is a quick read and will give you a decent foundation. And yes, self-initiated individual counseling is another great step. And I agree with Snowflower that determining your "why" is the key. You'd like to avoid this type of problem in the future and your wife will also want to have a sense of confidence that you have learned enough about yourself to avoid it in the future, too. Surface answers (she was young, etc) are usually just that. It's wise to dig much deeper. You made decisions that you would probably say were against your own standards and you took a risk of hurting your family and nearly created a huge mess over your hairdresser (no offense to her intended). Why would you do that? The real answers typically go back to your family of origin. Somewhere along the line you developed an excessive need for external validation (my guess in your case), an overblown sense of entitlement (also possible considering your lifestyle), or became severely conflict-avoidant. Recent external stressors/major life events can also be a factor (pregnancy, death of a loved one, military service, etc). The trick is to better understand why this became a coping mechanism for you so that you can better recognize and avoid it in the future.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for that. A lot of good stuff in there.

[comeon]

Comeon,you do realize you were buying this woman's attention,right?I reread your posts.The attention you were getting from the hair dresser was definately not about you and it wasn't deep on her end(except deep pockets).Sorry but by what you wrote that's what I get out of it.

 

Also,other things stood out in your post.

 

Your wife was helping a young man stationed in Afghanistan.You started feeling threatened and suggested the soldier was feeding off her words.She stopped and then you say you all moved on.But you didn't ,did you?Do you think it is possible you turned to the hair dresser bc the soldier incident bruised you?So you set out to get some attention for yourself?

 

Also this desire to help people.Is it really a desire to help people? Or because by doing so you get some kind of pay off emotionally. Or to feel your core is really good and pure not only because you want it to be but it's what you desire to project to the world.Co dependancy...can also cause this desire to help.It is not about help,it is about control.So things will be as you wish it to be.I agree with Minnie,your intention was not to help the hair dresser.It was to help yourself.

 

I just wanted to add that because I feel for your wife.And it is not a good feeling for anyone to realize they have had the wool pulled over their eyes and made a fool of.To look back and replay all the signs ignored.

 

One last thing,I am in no way labeling you,diagnosing you or accusing you.But it takes a certain level of narcissism to feel sad for yourself, because it ended with the young woman,to feel sad for your "friend" because of what she may be feeling(apparently that she loves/wants her boyfriend)yet not feel sad for your wife who remains in the dark to the condition of her marrriage.And the fact she has been decieved.Your wife is the one who deserves your sadness and remourse...for her...as opposed to yourself.Or your "friend"who is obviously busy fixing the relationship with her man and probably has had not one thought of what you feel.

 

Yeah, I feel a level of narcissism there. Just being 100% honest. I could pretend but what does that help. I feel bad for her... that's the truth... again I could lie but I do. I really liked her. I personally feel sad for all of it... not bad for myself as in poor me... does that make sense? I don't totally understand what I feel... I feel spoiled to have such a good life, and good people, and have this happen. I feel like an idiot for being so shallow and weak when I thought I was really strong. I feel stupid for having these feelings but can't easily turn it off.

 

I love helping people, always have... I would 100% agree that it makes me feel good so is certainly a selfish thing. I do most things anonymously. long standing thing in my life especially since I've reached a level of financial security. I'm not super rich but well off enough to do lots of things. What's in my head is giving back because there were certainly times in my life where I could have used a little help. Making people happy just makes me very happy. I do this with most of the guys working for me at work... always have. I'm certainly not going to stop being generous. Maybe just not fall into the same trap with women.

 

I told the story of me and the hairdresser and I appreciate all the insight. I honestly feel bad for her. I know all the arguments of why that may be foolish... it's helping me understand but something, maybe dopamine, is not letting me release that ****. As I mentioned, I was just kinda shocked that it happened... I can't explain how easy it would be for me to be with all sorts of women. Don't want to get into the details but lets just say that I'm around them all the time and interest from them is not hard to find. Something about her and the innocence I really fell for. It looks like this may be really common but that doesn't change the feelings or the fact that it happened. So, again, to be honest, although I know it irritates many that have lived through this. I actually miss that woman now that she's gone. I can't really explain it. I can only guess time will fix that and the rest is up to me to fix.

 

I'll keep working on the marriage. I guess it's just hard to understand for most that I really believe I have a super strong marriage. I'll keep looking at it though and certainly try to make it even stronger. It actually makes me very happy that so many people are posting in her defense. It may not seem like it but I'm on your team. I love my wife.

[woinlove]

You emphasize that you have a strong M and that you feel so bad for her:

 

felt so horrible that I hurt her and possibly her relationship with someone she carried for.

 

That is difficult to understand. I take it that you feel bad for her because her bf saw the texts between you two and is now really hurt, because before that happened it seemed you both were happy with what you were doing. Did she do something to her bf that you didn't do to your W? Seems the only difference is her bf knows the truth and your W doesn't. Personally, I'd much rather be in her bf's shoes than in your W's shoes, because I like to know the truth in my intimate relationships.

 

So, I'm not quite getting why you feel so bad for her because her bf is hurt, but are so sure that your M is strong. Is it strong because your W doesn't know the truth? Or do you think your W would not be hurt if she did? If the latter, then I don't understand any hesitancy to tell her.

 

There is a disconnect between your two statements - feeling horrible because of the damage to her relationship and feeling so confident about your own, when you two seemed to have done the same thing.

Edited October 30, 2012 by woinlove

[comeon]

Comeon, which scenario would be harder for you to accept:

 

1). Your wife has too much to drink at an office party and has a one-night stand with a co-worker for whom she has no real feelings.

 

2). Your wife develops a strong emotional connection with a friend with whom she falls deeply in love.

 

Which one's a greater threat to your marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think the emotional thing is worse. As a man the physical thing is always instant WTF . I do get the emotional thing being a really bad thing. Again, in hindsight it's a whole lot clearer.

[comeon]

How many hours you spent thinking about her is probably more relevant to the feelings you developed. Since you seem more concerned with her feelings than your W's, I would guess you focussed more of your intimate thoughts on this woman than on your W. Maybe you took your W for granted during that time.

 

Do you still think often about this woman? And, if so, doesn't that suggest your M is not that strong? A strong M is actively maintained by both spouses, day by day, and if your energy has been else where and kept secret, I don't see how a strong M has been maintained.

 

I definitely took my wife for granted during that time. For sure.

 

I think about the other woman everyday still. Just still kinda wondering how shes doing and if she's ok. I'm sure not what people want to here especially if you've had to go through something like this as a spouse. I really don't want it back, at least where it was headed, but I think I understand that it went too far and it's just not possible to be friends. I can't seem to turn that stuff off right now... I would have to imagine I can at some point.

 

Again, I'm going to make sure my wife and I are good moving forward... even if no one here wants to believe we're strong. And If I ever get to a point where I don't think that's possible then I'll end my marriage. I've been talking to my wife about getting stronger and we've got some things in motion to help. We do have a great relationship though... not sure why that can't be understood no matter what went on. Sure I gave too much bandwidth to this other woman... especially emotionally. But I can only imagine that bandwidth opened up because of some work changes and a few other life changes. I'm going to try and re-direct that to my wife now.

[Owl]

Couple of thoughts from someone who's been here a little while...

 

First off...BH's advice is rock solid.

 

Second...he's right, your psychologist couldn't give a damn about your marriage. Individual therapists are only interested in the individual...and their advice is OFTEN not in the best interest of the marriage or their patient's spouse. Your psychologist offered advice ONLY on the basis of what they thought was best for you...not at all what they thought was best for your marriage or your wife.

 

Third...you can never go back to being her friend. You can't close that door that was opened. Neither her BF nor your wife would accept any further contact between the two of you...nor should they.

 

Fourth...your wife IS owed some honesty and a chance to make her own decisions on the current state and future of your marriage, with ALL of the pertinent information. No one deserves to live a lie.

 

Last thought...so...what are you going to do now...what are you going to change...in light of all of this new found wisdom you've gained through all of this?

[Snowflower]

 

Second...he's right, your psychologist couldn't give a damn about your marriage. Individual therapists are only interested in the individual...and their advice is OFTEN not in the best interest of the marriage or their patient's spouse. Your psychologist offered advice ONLY on the basis of what they thought was best for you...not at all what they thought was best for your marriage or your wife.

 

 

Owl brings up a very good point about individual therapy.

 

comeon, As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I commend you for being proactive and seeking out therapy to figure out why you did this. You mentioned that you had to switch therapists for insurance reasons. I hope the new one is trained in marital infidelity (many therapists are trained as individual as well as marriage and family counselors). I would encourage you to seek out a therapist with this kind of background.

[Snowflower]

I definitely took my wife for granted during that time. For sure.

 

I think about the other woman everyday still. Just still kinda wondering how shes doing and if she's ok. I'm sure not what people want to here especially if you've had to go through something like this as a spouse. I really don't want it back, at least where it was headed, but I think I understand that it went too far and it's just not possible to be friends. I can't seem to turn that stuff off right now... I would have to imagine I can at some point.

 

 

Re: the bolded...

 

Speaking only for myself here as a BS, it doesn't bother me personally what you say. It doesn't freak me out because my H might have felt the same way at some point about another woman and hearing you say it here doesn't make me feel bad again.

 

I think what people here are encouraging you to do is keep it real--especially with yourself. I, for one, appreciate your honesty so don't feel you have to qualify how you feel because you are posting here to an audience that is largely made up of betrayed spouses.

 

Again, keep up the good work and keep being honest. I hope you keep posting even if it gets difficult.

[comeon]

comeon, how are you doing? As I expected, there is the whole barrage of "the you need to your wife asap" advice.

 

I think you need to get your head on straight before you tell her though. I see a lot of encouraging things in your posts...you seem to realize your weaknesses and when you are rationalizing your behavior/decisions. You also seem to really love your wife.

 

FWIW, it's good you have been proactive about counseling. So many WS (my husband included) seem to shy away from that type of introspection. Keep going and explore why you did this.

 

I agree with the other poster who said your friend played you. It doesn't seem that you hid the fact from her that you were married. I assume you wear a ring? However, she hid the fact from you that she had a boyfriend. Hello, if the two of you were such good friends, then she would have/should have said something and referred to him frequently. I think she was a player. She loved your gifts, attention and flattery and used that to her benefit. Really? A trip to California? A decent woman would have turned that down because you are married and she has a boyfriend. It was inappropriate of you to offer and inappropriate of her to accept. She was playing you big time...and you let her.

 

Something to explore in counseling.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

I always wear my ring. And made it abundantly clear that I was happily married. The boyfriend thing kinda shocked me... I really thought I was the one risking anything and even at that kinda thought it wasn't getting as bad as it seems now looking back.

 

The trip thing is so easy for me. This is going to sound so stupid but we were talking one day about how much we hate this town and love the water and other things along those lines. She said she was saving up money to visit California and check out the jobs there because she had friends. I, of course, immediately thought... well I can fix that. Took some arm twisting but got her to agree to allow me to send her and a friend out there. I did much more pushing than it would at first seem. That's the truth of the trip. I think I mentioned that it's much clearer now... at the time I literally didn't think it was so bad. I go on trips all the time... all around the world. She actually said she wished I could go with her... and I said something like... No I want to do this for the right reasons. I really did just want to help her out because I thought she was great. She certainly was infatuated with me as well and the gifts certainly sent the wrong message. I think it was a little less playing than it seems but we both didn't want it to end so I think we both played it out.

 

And yes, it's now implied that I understand how my wife would feel... just trying to give context.

[comeon]

You emphasize that you have a strong M and that you feel so bad for her:

 

 

 

That is difficult to understand. I take it that you feel bad for her because her bf saw the texts between you two and is now really hurt, because before that happened it seemed you both were happy with what you were doing. Did she do something to her bf that you didn't do to your W? Seems the only difference is her bf knows the truth and your W doesn't. Personally, I'd much rather be in her bf's shoes than in your W's shoes, because I like to know the truth in my intimate relationships.

 

So, I'm not quite getting why you feel so bad for her because her bf is hurt, but are so sure that your M is strong. Is it strong because your W doesn't know the truth? Or do you think your W would not be hurt if she did? If the latter, then I don't understand any hesitancy to tell her.

 

There is a disconnect between your two statements - feeling horrible because of the damage to her relationship and feeling so confident about your own, when you two seemed to have done the same thing.

 

I feel bad for the other woman because I developed strong feelings for her, no matter who thinks it's wrong or right. I'm admitting the fact that my wife doesn't know and therefore is not hurt at the moment. I fell in love with this woman for whatever reasons. I still kinda care for her. I can't turn it all off. I don't think it works that way. I'm not sure there are some magic words that make it all clear or make the feelings go away.

 

It sucks actually.

[comeon]

Owl brings up a very good point about individual therapy.

 

comeon, As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I commend you for being proactive and seeking out therapy to figure out why you did this. You mentioned that you had to switch therapists for insurance reasons. I hope the new one is trained in marital infidelity (many therapists are trained as individual as well as marriage and family counselors). I would encourage you to seek out a therapist with this kind of background.

 

Going tomorrow... she deals in relationships, divorce, and depression. I think she will help. We'll see how it goes.

[woinlove]

I feel bad for the other woman because I developed strong feelings for her, no matter who thinks it's wrong or right. I'm admitting the fact that my wife doesn't know and therefore is not hurt at the moment. I fell in love with this woman for whatever reasons. I still kinda care for her. I can't turn it all off. I don't think it works that way. I'm not sure there are some magic words that make it all clear or make the feelings go away.

 

It sucks actually.

 

Yes, I understand strong feelings and not being able to turn them off. It's not feeling equally strong about your own W and thinking your M is still strong despite seeing the hairdresser is hurting because of the impact on her own R. Why is her R hurting and possibly harmed and yet yours is very strong? I don't think ignorance and deceit makes a strong M. Surely your M is as harmed as the hairdresser's relationship with her bf by what developed between you two?

 

I don't understand feeling your W isn't hurt because she doesn't know. When I think I've done something that will hurt my H, I feel bad for that even before he knows. Perhaps you have transferred so much emotional attachment to this other woman, that you are somewhat disconnected from your W right now.

[MammaMia]

Comeon:

 

Thanks for your offer to give me insight but the things I want to tell you and ask you are very private and I don't want to do this on this forum for everyone to see. You never know who is lurking and they will know who I am talking about.. I wonder how we can do this. I won't bother you for long. I will have all the questions written down so this will go very fast.

Any ideas?

 

Do you belong to any other forums that might allow pms right away? ( not necessarily for infidelity)

[comeon]

Yes, I understand strong feelings and not being able to turn them off. It's not feeling equally strong about your own W and thinking your M is still strong despite seeing the hairdresser is hurting because of the impact on her own R. Why is her R hurting and possibly harmed and yet yours is very strong? I don't think ignorance and deceit makes a strong M. Surely your M is as harmed as the hairdresser's relationship with her bf by what developed between you two?

 

I don't understand feeling your W isn't hurt because she doesn't know. When I think I've done something that will hurt my H, I feel bad for that even before he knows. Perhaps you have transferred so much emotional attachment to this other woman, that you are somewhat disconnected from your W right now.

 

Woinlove, I do feel bad about doing this to my wife and family. I think I have that part figured out. What I mean is it all makes sense why that's bad and I think I have some things to work on.

 

My motives for posting here were simply to get some feedback from people that know on the odd feelings I'm having. So I spent more time talking about how I feel bad for this other woman and Sad that I lost my friend that I developed a surprising relationship with. Those feelings are the ones that are making me crazy. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I was honestly surprised about how I felt once it ended so it made me really sit up and take notice.

[comeon]

Comeon:

 

Thanks for your offer to give me insight but the things I want to tell you and ask you are very private and I don't want to do this on this forum for everyone to see. You never know who is lurking and they will know who I am talking about.. I wonder how we can do this. I won't bother you for long. I will have all the questions written down so this will go very fast.

Any ideas?

 

Do you belong to any other forums that might allow pms right away? ( not necessarily for infidelity)

 

I can't think of a way to do this. There's a premium subscription thing but I wouldn't want to use a credit card for that. I could give an email out here but I'm not sure about that either. I could try and makeup a new email. Despite my story I'm really not that good about sneaking around.

 

Let me know if you think of anything. I'll think some more too. I'd love to answer your questions. Perhaps someone else has a good idea??

[woinlove]

Woinlove, I do feel bad about doing this to my wife and family. I think I have that part figured out. What I mean is it all makes sense why that's bad and I think I have some things to work on.

 

My motives for posting here were simply to get some feedback from people that know on the odd feelings I'm having. So I spent more time talking about how I feel bad for this other woman and Sad that I lost my friend that I developed a surprising relationship with. Those feelings are the ones that are making me crazy. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I was honestly surprised about how I felt once it ended so it made me really sit up and take notice.

 

Okay, not trying to give you a hard time. Your feelings for the OW are typical of feelings for someone you are in love with but have had the R end abruptly. Those feelings can last a long time, even when you wish they would go away.

 

I don't agree with you having your W and M all figured out, even though I know essentially nothing about your M and you know a whole lot about it. I just don't think one can have a very strong M while one is secretly in love with someone else. You may have had a strong M before you fell in love and you may have one sometime in the future. I think if your W knew that you were in love with your hairdresser and all the things you two secretly shared, and that it only ended because her bf found out, I think it is very likely that your W would agree with me and not agree with you.

[Snowflower]

So now that you've been out and away from that relationship for a few weeks now, how do you feel? Has your perspective changed about how you feel know vs. how you felt before she ended it?

 

Do you feel the same as you did about your wife & marriage as you did before and during your relationship?

[Furious]

Woinlove, I do feel bad about doing this to my wife and family. I think I have that part figured out. What I mean is it all makes sense why that's bad and I think I have some things to work on.

 

My motives for posting here were simply to get some feedback from people that know on the odd feelings I'm having. So I spent more time talking about how I feel bad for this other woman and Sad that I lost my friend that I developed a surprising relationship with. Those feelings are the ones that are making me crazy. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I was honestly surprised about how I felt once it ended so it made me really sit up and take notice.

 

You have the luxury to mourn the sudden end of your affair, and even if you object to the label of an "affair" that's what is was. You can wallow in what might of been, could have been, as long as your wife is in the dark.

 

You refuse to take the other woman down from the pedestal your created, I think because if you admit that throughout the entire year you've known her she did not once mention she had a boyfriend, and that she accepted your gifts and trip to California, you would have to give up the fantasy you created in your mind that she was this innocent angel who came to rescue you from your mid life crisis.

 

I can guarantee you if you experience a d-day, then and only then will you snap out of your affair bubble.