Would you lose interest in your spouse is he/she gained weight?

[JamesM]

I ask because I have noticed this before and did again how someone loses interest in his wife or her husband because of a significant weight gain.

 

Years ago, an older cousin said to me..."Before you marry someone, ask yourself if you could still love that person if she gained fifty pounds."

 

My wife has gained a significant amount of weight (probably close to forty) in the last few months (partly due to an inability to exercise). She has struggled with weight for many years going up and down. Currently, she weighs quite a bit more than me (a first outside of pregnancies).

 

And I can honestly say that I find her sexy at any weight. Yes, she is sexier at a slimmer weight but it is partly because she FEELS sexier. But for myself, I enjoy sex with her because it is her. She doesn't disgust me. I do worry for her regarding her health. I still find her beautiful.

 

Seriously, I mean it.

 

Would you love having sex with your husband or wife if he or she gained forty or fifty pounds? Would you feel disgusted by those extra rolls of flesh, or would you still feel as attracted to him or her?

[mammasita]

I would still love him. I don't think I would be as physically attracted, but that's something that we could work on together.

[River Rain]

I think if it were associated with unhealthy habits, that would be a big turnoff for me.

[JamesM]

Most people who gain weight do so because they develop unhealthy habits. They either drink more, eat more, or simply do nothing. We all go through times in our lives where we are less than stellar.

 

When I gained weight, I know that I would sit more often in the evenings reading or sitting at the computer. Now I try to do something even when I want to sit.

 

My wife gains weight because she eats more junk food and sits with her laptop computer.

 

When I say that I still find her sexy, then I would say from a physical appearance aspect. But as you said, River, the fact that she is less motivated makes me feel more sorry for her, and takes some of my respect for her away.

 

I know that she isn't happy when she is fatter. I know that she would love to be thin. I also know that she gets caught in a rut and "can't" get out.

 

I understand. So, while I may feel differently about her attitude, the physical part of me has not problem getting turned on by her.

 

I mention this thread because a husband used the weight gain of his wife as a reason (valid in his mind) for having another woman. If his wife cannot keep the weight off and be willing to try new things sexually, then he having lost respect and attraction to his once gorgeous wife, now finds happiness in the arms of another woman. Meanwhile, his poor wife is at home wallowing in her misery and eating bon bons.

 

Sad.

[River Rain]

Most people who gain weight do so because they develop unhealthy habits. They either drink more, eat more, or simply do nothing. We all go through times in our lives where we are less than stellar.

 

When I gained weight, I know that I would sit more often in the evenings reading or sitting at the computer. Now I try to do something even when I want to sit.

 

My wife gains weight because she eats more junk food and sits with her laptop computer.

 

When I say that I still find her sexy, then I would say from a physical appearance aspect. But as you said, River, the fact that she is less motivated makes me feel more sorry for her, and takes some of my respect for her away.

 

I know that she isn't happy when she is fatter. I know that she would love to be thin. I also know that she gets caught in a rut and "can't" get out.

 

I understand. So, while I may feel differently about her attitude, the physical part of me has not problem getting turned on by her.

 

I mention this thread because a husband used the weight gain of his wife as a reason (valid in his mind) for having another woman. If his wife cannot keep the weight off and be willing to try new things sexually, then he having lost respect and attraction to his once gorgeous wife, now finds happiness in the arms of another woman. Meanwhile, his poor wife is at home wallowing in her misery and eating bon bons.

 

Sad.

 

That is sad.

 

You know, I think for me, it's because I'm so healthy and always was really active and fit, besides those 7 years on the meds. I felt how miserable it was to be obese and sedentary and it really affected every other area of my life, especially my self-esteem and my overall spirit. I wasn't able to live freely or uninhibited when I was like that, so I guess that kind of makes me think if my man gained a lot of weight, a lot of things would change in our relationship.

 

My second boyfriend developed a terrible drinking habit, and gained lots of weight. It was a turnoff for me because of...this sounds shallow, but I don't know how else to describe it, but the "entire package" changed. I mean, he stunk of alcohol, so yuck to begin with. But he became lazy, only wanted to play video games, slept too much, started to eat a lot of junk food and his skin got bad, got lazy with his hygiene, stopped going to the gym and lost a lot of his passion.

 

So when you asked the question, pop! Into my head came Dave! I was unable to be physically attracted to that because I wasn't mentally attracted to it, you know what I mean?

[waterwoman]

It depends on how much. H has put on some weight over the years. He is 50 and still in reasonable shape but OK, could do with losing a little. Same with me - my meds have made me bigger but still not medically overweight and I do exercise regularly. I still find him as attractive as I always did - more perhaps becayuse while he has gained weight and years he has also gained character and kindness. He seems to find me irresistible (something I still find hard to beleive!)

 

But if I'm honest I'd struggle to find a hugely overweight man attractive.

[JamesM]

I felt how miserable it was to be obese and sedentary and it really affected every other area of my life, especially my self-esteem and my overall spirit.

 

My second boyfriend developed a terrible drinking habit, and gained lots of weight. It was a turnoff for me because of...this sounds shallow, but I don't know how else to describe it, but the "entire package" changed. I mean, he stunk of alcohol, so yuck to begin with. But he became lazy, only wanted to play video games, slept too much, started to eat a lot of junk food and his skin got bad, got lazy with his hygiene, stopped going to the gym and lost a lot of his passion.

 

I was unable to be physically attracted to that because I wasn't mentally attracted to it, you know what I mean?

 

I know what you mean, but if you were married during the time you gained all of the weight, would you want your husband to still be attracted to you simply because you are you? If we marry someone, then shouldn't our love go a little bit deeper than simply skin deep? And certainly our vow extends farther than "until you get fat."

 

As for gaining weight and changing due to alcohol, this IS different. Yet many alcoholics have changed due to the continual love of their spouse (and many have not). Having never lived with one, I certainly cannot make any judgments against you. I can certainly see why you would be turned off. It sounds like more than simply extra weight though in this case. It sounds like a complete "meltdown" of character and physical appearance.

 

It depends on how much. H has put on some weight over the years. He is 50 and still in reasonable shape but OK, could do with losing a little. Same with me - my meds have made me bigger but still not medically overweight and I do exercise regularly. I still find him as attractive as I always did - more perhaps becayuse while he has gained weight and years he has also gained character and kindness. He seems to find me irresistible (something I still find hard to beleive!)

 

But if I'm honest I'd struggle to find a hugely overweight man attractive.

 

So, you still are physically attracted to him despite the weight gain?

 

And I can understand...I am rarely attracted to an overweight woman who is a stranger to me. There is no deep love to her personality nor is there a history of memories together. I can see why someone would feel that way towards a stranger, but to no longer want your partner due to a weight gain...I cannot understand, and that comes after many weight gains and losses by my wife.

 

Incidentally, one caveat...I have not been attracted to my wife while she was pregnant. Many men are...I never was.

[Radagast]

Would you love having sex with your husband or wife if he or she gained forty or fifty pounds? Would you feel disgusted by those extra rolls of flesh, or would you still feel as attracted to him or her?

 

To me it would depend very much on the context and circumstances. My wife works out regularly, takes care of herself physically, eats healthily and stays in contact with her body and its rhythms. She makes an effort because she wants to look and feel her best, and because she wants to look and feel her best for me. I love her and cherish that about her, and try to reciprocate as best as I can. If something happened and my wife was unable to maintain her physical regimen of course I would still love her, and still desire her. Sexy as her body is, her heart and mind are sexier.

 

Things were very different with my ex-wife. She was alienated from her body and considered it "vain" and superficial to want to look good. She used to dress as unattractively as possible because she felt that dressing attractively "demeaned" women since it privileged male gaze. She felt taking care of herself physically would attract or retain "the wrong kind of man", one who cared "only" for the visuals, and who wasn't prepared to invest effort beyond the shallow in getting to know her for who she was rather than what she looked like. She modelled her image on Andrea Dworkin, as well as many of her man-bashing attitudes. And my desire was a victim of that.

 

It wasn't purely the weight gain. It was the context of a "f-you" attitude that sought to make my desire complete an obstacle course to prove itself before it would pass muster and be tolerated to gorge itself at the expense of the its female victim. Sex was a zero-sum game and I found the whole situation deeply unsexy, and I lost interest. Had she simply gained weight, and not used it as a weapon to beat my maleness with, my desire may have survived.

 

Reading Sauron's post, I suspect that in the case of his wife, it was not simply the weight gain that crushed his desire but also the attitude of entitlement and arrogance that went with it.

[AlexDP]

I'd probably lose interest if she gained a lot of weight. But she likes sports, so I don't really see it happening. If either one us gained a lot of weight, that would mean our character changed significantly.

[sweetkiwi]

but two of my exs were overweight. It bothered them more than me. One of them was a fat bastard and would put me down for being overweight. I was certainly not overweight. He gave me so much stress i couldn't even eat so i was way too skinny near the end.

 

Big guys have never bothered me. I actually kinda like a belly on a guy. My current man has a natural six pack. He eats icecream for breakfast. No matter what he can't gain weight. He's too skinny for me but i love him anyway.

[River Rain]

I know what you mean, but if you were married during the time you gained all of the weight, would you want your husband to still be attracted to you simply because you are you? If we marry someone, then shouldn't our love go a little bit deeper than simply skin deep? And certainly our vow extends farther than "until you get fat."

 

Well, when I did gain all that weight, I refused to even think about being with anyone because I wouldn't want to be with the male version of what I was going through at that time. I simply was miserable and not available to give myself because of my circumstances. As for if I were married, I have no clue because I was alone.

 

I think, at least for me, it's more than the words "until you get fat"...because people get fat for a reason. It's the reason that turns me off completely, but like I said originally if it's for unhealthy reasons. We all go through ups and downs, but if my man were to show an effort in wanting to get healthier, then of course, I'd stick around. It's not the fat itself, it's why they gained, why they want to remain that way and why/why not have the desire to get healthy and fit after. I guess it's a little more complicated for me than just what's on the scale.

 

As for gaining weight and changing due to alcohol, this IS different. Yet many alcoholics have changed due to the continual love of their spouse (and many have not). Having never lived with one, I certainly cannot make any judgments against you. I can certainly see why you would be turned off. It sounds like more than simply extra weight though in this case. It sounds like a complete "meltdown" of character and physical appearance.

 

Definitely a meltdown of his entire person. At first I thought that he's just going overboard partying with friends, but then when the sloth and bad eating habits went along with it, it was just a complete turnoff. But also his refusal to get healthy.

[floralfairy777]

i personally wouldnt be turned off if my H had put on weight, if it is a significant amount and it turned his personality around from the happy go lucky person he is and made things rough for us, then I may have issues with it. but when i married him my vows stated through thick and thin, etc etc. So no matter what happens to his body, his mind, etc, i'll always love him and stand beside him, no matter what!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Told my spouse she can solve all her problems about me wanting too much sex by putting on 50lbs. Fortunately for me (and not so much for her as she is a victim of societal expectations) she looks great and both of us have not changed significantly imo in 26 years together (outside her becoming more athletic and muscular as a rseult o karate and cardio kickboxing) outside the aging process.

 

I am lucky I have not had to face those issues and really unsure how I'd respond.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, she is sexier at a slimmer weight but it is partly because she FEELS sexier.

James, I'm in the same situation as you and your sentence I've quoted above highlights the toughest part for me. My wife has also gained 40-50 lbs in the last 10 years. The challenge for us isn't how I feel about it (I'd rather for many reasons she was slimmer but love her regardless) but how the extra weight makes her feel. It becomes a Catch 22 - she doubts herself, turns to me for reassurance, and then doesn't believe me when I tell her I still find her sexy and attractive. Frustrating...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

My spouse gained about 30 pounds in the first few years of his career. He's since lost it, but I never even noticed the weight until after he lost it, and then I stumbled upon one of the "before" pictures. I said something dumb like, "Omg, when were you so fat?"

[frozensprouts]

my husband is in good shape, and exercises everyday...he has no choice in the matter

 

myself, i have had to find ways to exercise that don't hurt, can't always do that so I have to maintain my weight by skipping food i like to eat, not always easy...when i was younger, i used to be really thin and was able to eat anything and everything i wanted ( oh to have those days back again:laugh:)...

 

when it comes to my husband's weight ( and actually overall appearance) they don't matter to much to me, and I honesty just don't notice it very much, never really have I think part of it is that's just the way I'm "wired" and also i dated quite a few guys who were thought to be quite good looking, but who turned out to be jerks, and no amount of "window dressing" could change that

[musemaj11]

I would lose interest in a woman if she lost her physical attractiveness the same way she would lose interest in me if I lost my job.

[JamesM]

If I were to hazard a guess, then I would say that most women lose interest in a man who gains weight not because of the weight gain but because of the attitude change.

 

Most men who lose interest in their wives after a weight gain, do so because of looks and attitude change or simply because of looks.

 

And musemaj, I think most women lose interest in a man who loses his job because of the lack of motivation that can occur. Most wives stick it out and still love their husbands despite what life sends their way...IF he handles it maturely (which isn't easy). This doesn't apply to dating men and women as they look at it as more of a "him and I" versus "we" in such situations.

[musemaj11]

If I were to hazard a guess, then I would say that most women lose interest in a man who gains weight not because of the weight gain but because of the attitude change.

 

Most men who lose interest in their wives after a weight gain, do so because of looks and attitude change or simply because of looks.

 

And musemaj, I think most women lose interest in a man who loses his job because of the lack of motivation that can occur. Most wives stick it out and still love their husbands despite what life sends their way...IF he handles it maturely (which isn't easy). This doesn't apply to dating men and women as they look at it as more of a "him and I" versus "we" in such situations.

No offense, but you believe in fantasy.

 

The only reason a woman would stay with a broke husband is if she feared that she wouldnt be able to attract someone else so she chose to stick it out rather than ending up alone.

 

I have never met a woman who stands by her unemployed or a lot less successful husband and not fat, old, ugly or simply physically unattractive at the same time.

 

Of course I dont deny there are exceptions. Very rare exceptions.

[River Rain]

No offense, but you believe in fantasy.

 

The only reason a woman would stay with a broke husband is if she feared that she wouldnt be able to attract someone else so she chose to stick it out rather than ending up alone.

 

I have never met a woman who stands by her unemployed or a lot less successful husband and not fat, old, ugly or simply physically unattractive at the same time.

 

Of course I dont deny there are exceptions. Very rare exceptions.

 

If my man lost his job, I wouldn't drop him like a hotcake, and I'm sure I'm not the exception. IF though...he refused to make an effort to find another job, and let his unemployment affect his lifestyle enough to make the relationship suffer, then I'd consider moving on. I don't consider myself fat, old, ugly or simply physically unattractive either.

[JamesM]

No offense, but you believe in fantasy.

 

Then I like my fantasy world here in the Midwest! No offense but I wouldn't want your world.

 

The only reason a woman would stay with a broke husband is if she feared that she wouldnt be able to attract someone else so she chose to stick it out rather than ending up alone.

 

Since I am assuming a married man and woman, then the main reason she sticks with him is that she vowed to stay with him for better or for worse. Most women (as there are exceptions) stay with someone not because of how much they earn but simply for who they are.

 

My wife chose me over a man who made more, owned a house and boat and car. This was over two decades ago when all I had was a car and a decent job.

 

Since then I lost that job and got another. Her love never changed based on my earnings or career choice.

 

I have never met a woman who stands by her unemployed or a lot less successful husband and not fat, old, ugly or simply physically unattractive at the same time.

 

Most every unemployed married man I know still stayed married. It is rare that a lack of a job caused a divorce. Now it could be that the lack of motivation for seeking a job caused a split, but that is still rare.

 

Of course I dont deny there are exceptions. Very rare exceptions.

 

Again, I have found this to be normal and not rare. There is no question that unemployment CAN cause a divorce, but it is usually in a marriage that already had major problems. Unemployment was the final straw.

 

FWIW, statistics support this finding.

 

Unemployment And Divorce: The Surprising Connection

[musemaj11]

Again, I have found this to be normal and not rare. There is no question that unemployment CAN cause a divorce, but it is usually in a marriage that already had major problems. Unemployment was the final straw.

 

FWIW, statistics support this finding.

 

Unemployment And Divorce: The Surprising Connection

Errr, actually even your own article shows that women stand by their unemployed husbands in the end for none other than financial benefit however ironic it may be not due to some fairy tale of undying love or whatever.

[JamesM]

Errr, actually even your own article shows that women stand by their unemployed husbands in the end for none other than financial benefit however ironic it may be not due to some fairy tale of undying love or whatever.

 

I know what the article said. Yet they surmise reasons based on actual numbers.

 

There are many reasons, and the "experts" think that this is one...then the article quotes a couple of woman who did this.

 

The strongest marriages don't always survive because of "undying love" when the times get tough from lack of employment, weight gain, illness, etc., but because of commitment. Even the couples that stay together due to a need can find themselves back "in love" when times get better.

 

But we are off topic...and I on my own thread. Yet you have given me a good starter for another thread.

[pink_sugar]

I think loving someone and finding them physically attractive are two different things. Of course you still love them, but 40 pounds in just a few months is quite a bit of weight and not healthy at all. She has to be doing more than just lack of exercise for a jump that big in weight in such a short time. Have her eating habits changed? It is hard to be physically attracted to someone who's constantly stuffing their face with junk food and piling on the pounds. Maybe you can do things together to encourage her to lose weight. Go to the gym together, eat better foods together. It's a partnership and I know firsthand what it's like when you're with someone who eats a lot of junk food. Their habits rub off on you.

[pink_sugar]

If my man lost his job, I wouldn't drop him like a hotcake, and I'm sure I'm not the exception. IF though...he refused to make an effort to find another job, and let his unemployment affect his lifestyle enough to make the relationship suffer, then I'd consider moving on. I don't consider myself fat, old, ugly or simply physically unattractive either.

 

Very good point here. Since marriage is a partnership, I think all efforts should be made to find other employment asap, even if you have to settle for a lower wage. I know how stressful it can be for one person to provide for both if they are insecure in their own employment or not making enough to cover all expenses.