Would you lose interest in your spouse is he/she gained weight?

[BetheButterfly]

What's with the people going on about James's wife? IIRC he says he was overweight some time back, and that his wife remained loyal and supportive when he was overweight. Why is it then such a horrible thing for him to be the decent man that he is and offer her loyalty and support in return when her own weight rises?

 

Good point. I very much admire JamesM... he's an amazing and wonderful man and it touches my heart how he loves his wife no matter what. That is character and integrity, and love in its purest and truest form!!!

 

This is all well and good, but the effort needs to be reciprocal and people need to help each other out. One of the most common reasons for wives, especially middle-aged wives with several children, to let themselves go is, to quote some of the posters on the infidelity forum, "I have to work full-time AND do the majority of the housework and childcare, AND he still expects me to look like Megan Fox and play the sexy vixen in bed?!?"

 

Well, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I think that is the truth in many cases. Often what a spouse needs is not to be shunned or loved less, which leads to a vicious cycle. Perhaps what they really need is a little understanding and help. You know, to use your baby example: "Hi hon, how was your day, do you need help with the baby?"

 

Awesome points. Can't argue with that at all!!!

[JamesM]

Often what a spouse needs is not to be shunned or loved less, which leads to a vicious cycle. Perhaps what they really need is a little understanding and help. You know, to use your baby example: "Hi hon, how was your day, do you need help with the baby?"

 

I tried that too, and it doesn't work.

 

And a man or woman who loves their spouse will be more likely to say "how can I help?" rather than "Why do you ask me to help?"

 

That is what giving is about versus taking.

 

Is it easy? No. I remember many times coming home when the wife had been with the kids, and simply wanting to be alone. And she wanted to be relieved of the kids for awhile. Sadly, I didn't make the right choice many times.

 

So it is when a spouse gains weight. Do you "punish" them by withholding affection because you don't think they look as attractive, or do you love them more for who they are and were?

 

My wife's love for me has not changed over the years with my weight. There have been other factors that I think contribute to her lack of sexual intimacy. I never felt that I was too fat for her. She HAS been concerned for my health. She has helped me lose but never TOLD me to or gave me an ultimatum. (While she made comments about my belly, she never called me fat or less attractive. Oddly, now she will call me too skinny...because she knows that I think this is a compliment! ) I would like to think she has never felt that I loved her less, but I think she has...rightly or wrongly.

 

IMO loving a spouse less because "she stuffs her face with garbage all day while sitting on her ass," (to quote another sympathetic poster ) will accomplish exactly the opposite effect of what is desired. Think a minute...if my wife gains weight and I show I love her less (even if I don't), then she will begin to assume that I love her only for her looks and not for her personality as a whole. Is that how we want our spouse to love us?

 

I don't.

 

I can guarantee that most people posting here would enjoy being with my wife as a person. I know...I see the effect she has on people. No, not like a flirt, but as an intelligent and caring individual who takes the time to listen. Why should I pretend that all of her good qualities no longer exist because she has gained a few pounds?

 

Wouldn't it be better to love her more and help her regain her balance in life and lose the weight...knowing that she is happier when she is fit (as I know she is)? Wouldn't she respond better to my suggestions on losing weight if she knows that they are motivated by my love for her as a person and not simply me selfishly wanting her to be more of a sexual turn on for me?

 

I think the answer is obvious.

[cocorico]

My H gained weight after breaking his ankle. I did not lose interest. We have a home gym where we work out, and we try to be sensible about what we eat and drink, and to keep an active lifestyle. Partly because we feel we owe it to each other, but also because we'd feel cheated if we didn't. We were older when we met, we don't get to share our 20s and 30s but we still want to share the best days of our lives, which means we need to be in good enough shape to be having those good times, for many years yet.

 

But I agree, the "weight issue" is really just indexical of something deeper, a giving up, a checking out, a loss of interest that the other partner then mirrors by losing interest in turn. But it becomes very convenient for the partner who has "let themselves go" to pin it all on the symptom rather than the cause, to accuse their partner of being superficial and not keeping vows of better and worse, rather than to take responsibility for their own contribution.

[BetheButterfly]

I hope you do remember Be. I once read something that said that every time you are away from your partner for more than a short while (leaving the house, not the room) you should greet them when they come back with a 10 second kiss. There's very little that can't wait 10 seconds and the spark that jumps from a 10 second kiss last hours and make you really feel connected.

 

Every time we meet, we do kiss... sometimes for 10 seconds and sometimes not so long, but my husband has started around 5 months ago the ritual of when he comes home from work, we sit on the sofa and talk about our days. I love that and I know he does too. He looks forward to it!!! We hold hands and cuddle while we talk, and yep - kiss.

 

 

It might sound ridiculous, but it's really amazing to see it in play. If you're on the phone ask them to hold on for a minute, if you're feeding the baby tip your head up for that kiss, meet them at the door when you can.

Great advice!!!

 

 

 

I think that's a REALLY valid point and one I've never argued against. So why doesn't he walk in the door and take the baby as he kisses her? Women are more likely to put in the effort if they feel it's appreciated, men are more likely to be appreciative if they feel the effort is being made. It's a catch 22 and one person needs to just make that choice. So often it becomes this stupid standoff that a couple doesn't even realize they are engaged in.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather be the one to make the effort to break that cycle than hold out and hope he impresses me first. I guess maybe some of this is becaue I don't see sex as a chore either and it seems that even in this day and age some people still do.

 

I'd also like to say that most people that are contributing to this discussion and thinking about this are probably NOT the ones guilty of this, as much as others might be, but all people are guilty of taking the easy road sometimes. I just don't think that when it comes to your partner that's a great place to take shortcuts.

Yeah, it's so important to take care of one's marriage... it's a little "life" of its own. It needs nurturing to grow, like a plant. If it's not fed and given sunlight and nutrients, it'll wilt and die. There's so much that can poison the marriage... it really needs to be cultivated and protected. Spending time and yeah, making the effort, is really important. That's awesome advice, LFH.

[newmoon]

that is so tough ... i want to say i'd still love my guy but i don't think i could, mainly because i'd be losing respect for the person. if they don't have the motivation/desire to care for themselves then i'd find it difficult to respect them. the exception would be if it's medically related - my brother gained 70 pounds as a side effect of his meds. weight gain from laziness = not good and loss of attraction. other reasons for weight gain = i can be sympathetic to that and support the person as long as they are also trying to help themselves

[seren]

Both I and my H look very different from how we did when we first met, after 28yrs it would be weird if we didn't. He is still the man I loved and love, still makes me think he is my view of choice, we all age, some of us become disabled, as I am, some gain weight, some lose it and look a little scrawny rather than rounded or curvy, it is what is inside that counts, always.

[JamesM]

Both I and my H look very different from how we did when we first met, after 28yrs it would be weird if we didn't. He is still the man I loved and love, still makes me think he is my view of choice, we all age, some of us become disabled, as I am, some gain weight, some lose it and look a little scrawny rather than rounded or curvy, it is what is inside that counts, always.

 

Thank you for this! I know how you feel.

 

My wife is more overweight than she has been in years. She has extra aches and pains. She has high BP. She has high cholesterol. But she is still the beautiful woman that I married over 22 years ago. And she still loves me even though I gained weight (and lost it...so I am what I was when we married) and lost a whole lot of hair. She says I look more handsome now than I did then. Weird.

 

But when I look at her younger pictures, I see her as more beautiful now too. She is aging well.

[BetheButterfly]

Both I and my H look very different from how we did when we first met, after 28yrs it would be weird if we didn't. He is still the man I loved and love, still makes me think he is my view of choice, we all age, some of us become disabled, as I am, some gain weight, some lose it and look a little scrawny rather than rounded or curvy, it is what is inside that counts, always.

 

That's very cool and thought-provoking.

 

Your signature is awesome!

"I have a MM, he is my husband, my best friend, soulmate, lover and keeper of my heart. I reciprocate."

 

Before marrying my husband, I made the commitment to not get fat. That's part of our vows and I am fine with that. However, that's a very good point that people's shells change as they age. Having children also changes the bodies of many women. Thanks for your wise post!

[seren]

Bethe, in my younger days, I was a keen athlete, I modelled part time to pay for my education, so was slim, very fit and good looking, when young I always expected to be fit if nothing else. My H was a gym bod until around 4 years ago when he developed arthritis, age is no listener to promises we make to ourselves, unfortunately, I am disabled and walking is a chore, never mind running and squash. Yet, when I look at my H asleep after a hard days work with his little buddha belly and his greying hair, I still see the man who I promised to love and honour in sickness and in health and he looks just the same as when I met him, through these eyes anyway.

 

When he sees me he says I am still the person I was and look the same as ever. What is better to promise is to always laugh, always make time for each other. If someone becomes overweight or underweight through illness, medication or anything other than sloth, then I think the person who loves them should understand. I say not sloth as that implies to me a personality change, if someone has always valued taking care of themselves rather than not, it suggests that they have changed and not necessarily their looks.

 

I always value inner health rather than the outer illusion of it, similarly the true value of a person rather than the picture they present. Think how many people fall in 'love' like or lust over the internet without seeing the other. I'll bet there are many people who portray a very different image online than their real life self and I'll bet there have been an awful lot of people who are shocked when meeting up for the first time, a yikes moment!! Thank you for the liking my tagline, I mean each and every word of it. As someone wiser than me said, love is all about the actions of a person and not the flowery words.

[Lauriebell82]

I have struggled with my weight for 15 years, gone up and down by 20-25 lbs fluctuations over that time. I was real thin when I started dating my husband, fluctuated 20-25 pounds back and forth in the 6+ years since we have been together. He doesn't like it when I gain weight because it means I either stopped working out or overweight on unhealthy stuff. I am a weight loss PRO, so he knows that I will lose it when I/he realizes I have gained.

 

Anyway, this is important to him and me as well. My ex boyfriend didn't care what I looked like, I ended up gaining like 40+ pounds in the 2.5 years we dated. I would much rather have a spouse who is observant and actually cares about my health and how I look. He doesn't want me to be fat, unhealthy, and unattractive. As I don't for him.

 

But I would stay with my husband no what he looked like, I just wouldn't be as physically attracted to him (I'm not into overweight guys).

[BetheButterfly]

Bethe, in my younger days, I was a keen athlete, I modelled part time to pay for my education, so was slim, very fit and good looking, when young I always expected to be fit if nothing else. My H was a gym bod until around 4 years ago when he developed arthritis, age is no listener to promises we make to ourselves, unfortunately, I am disabled and walking is a chore, never mind running and squash. Yet, when I look at my H asleep after a hard days work with his little buddha belly and his greying hair, I still see the man who I promised to love and honour in sickness and in health and he looks just the same as when I met him, through these eyes anyway.

 

When he sees me he says I am still the person I was and look the same as ever. What is better to promise is to always laugh, always make time for each other. If someone becomes overweight or underweight through illness, medication or anything other than sloth, then I think the person who loves them should understand. I say not sloth as that implies to me a personality change, if someone has always valued taking care of themselves rather than not, it suggests that they have changed and not necessarily their looks.

 

I very much hope that in 28 years, my husband and I will see each other with the eyes of love like you and your husband do!!!

I always value inner health rather than the outer illusion of it, similarly the true value of a person rather than the picture they present.

That's beautiful and good.

 

Think how many people fall in 'love' like or lust over the internet without seeing the other. I'll bet there are many people who portray a very different image online than their real life self and I'll bet there have been an awful lot of people who are shocked when meeting up for the first time, a yikes moment!!

Yeah. True.

 

Thank you for the liking my tagline, I mean each and every word of it. As someone wiser than me said, love is all about the actions of a person and not the flowery words.

Beautiful and true quote

[JamesM]

Anyway, this is important to him and me as well. My ex boyfriend didn't care what I looked like, I ended up gaining like 40+ pounds in the 2.5 years we dated. I would much rather have a spouse who is observant and actually cares about my health and how I look. He doesn't want me to be fat, unhealthy, and unattractive. As I don't for him.

 

Hello, LB!

 

You have made a good point. It is important for a spouse to CARE that his or her partner is fit and healthy, but it shouldn't be a reason to leave them. While I love my wife at any weight, I think I as do many, make the mistake of saying that "I love you no matter what" and leave it at that. Instead what we should say is that "I love you no matter what you weight is, but I know that you are happier and healthier when you are fit and trim. Because of that, I feel that I must motivate you to become the best that you can be."

 

This became clearer to me when I was talking to a friend who has lost weight and gained it all back. Truthfully, she looked sick (as in ill). She wanted to lose again and she will, but she mentioned how her BF doesn't care and loves her as she is. The way she said it made me think, "She wishes that he cared." In his mind, he was saying he loved her and not to lose weight to keep his love. What she heard was that he didn't care enough abut her to help her get back on track with her diet.

 

It is a fine line between making weight a dealbreaker and making it important because of love.