I don't even know how to begin this

[TemporalDistortion]

FOREWORD: This is long. I decided to really take some time and talk about myself honestly and in detail to hopefully get some better insight about myself.

 

Every time I have ever posted for any kind of help on a forum it hasn't helped me one bit. But I realized that a part of it is probably due to me not conveying enough information. Maybe the things that are screwed up about me are interconnected. I really don't even know where to start. I am in one of my low moods and decided to "seek help" as it were. I don't really know if my problems are interconnected, the same thing, separate issues or what.

 

I am 25 years old, I generally consider myself a good person. I don't do things that I know would cause someone else unhappiness for no reason and generally even go out of my way to avoid those things. I really do have one of those "what if it was me" mentalities, which I think is the main reason I am nice to people.

 

Having said that, I am pretty emotionless aside from anger and occasionally depression like now.So I find it kind of strange to consider myself a caring person about the happiness of others when I really don't care. It doesn't bother me at all to see people upset or hurt but I don't like being the cause of it.

 

I totally do not like myself one bit. This isn't a circumstantially driven issue like "i am fat" although I am chubby. I have come to realize I am never happy with anything I do or what I achieve. I do not like my appearance, personality, mentality, philosophy on life, none of it. I used to think that I just had ideals at odds with who I was so I worked hard and little by little did change myself in some pretty meaningful ways. But even when I did become more of the person I wanted to be it didn't help a bit.

 

I already know I have a pretty deep and abiding hate of women and general distrust. I am aware of this fault in myself and actively work against it. I am not a dick to women or anything like that. But that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there.

 

Part of it is my own fault and part of it is environment. My mother was a sadist and abandoned me and my brother when I was just old enough for the beatings to sink in and be remembered into adulthood. Every women in my life when I was young was a pretty terrible person even when they were trying to be good.

 

My grandma loved me a lot for example. I lived with her for most of my childhood because I didn't have stable living arrangements otherwise. My dad loved me a lot and was a good fatherfigure to me all of the time, when he was there and not in jail for various violent offenses. Anyway, back to my grandma, I know she cared for me a lot but she was extremely verbally and to a lesser extent, physically abusive. I don't know why she was that way but I am sure it was something in her environment just the same.

 

My first girlfriend I totally committed way to much of myself into. She did feel the same way back, she told me much later. But it "scared" her and so she played a lot of mind games, and said a lot of vindictive and horrible things to make me push her away and we ended on very bad terms. She contacted me years later and explained all of this.

 

Being completely honest, I haven't had a real relationship since then.That was when I was like 14 so it has been about a full decade. I have had some minor things since then, with girls I liked a lot but who only apparently liked me enough to fool around and string me along.

 

I pretty much live in a continuous state of emotional neutrality with some really low points both depressingly and anger driven. I never really feel anything else. I can honestly say my dad was the only family member I ever really loved. I didn't feel anything when I found his body visiting him on christmas break at 15 years old.

 

I checked for breathing, checked his pulse, told my stepmom and asked if she wanted me to call 911 or if she would do it. She went hysterical so I called, then went in my room and played video games. I don't feel bad for that. But I do feel like a bad person for it. I still have his army dogtags and a ton of pictures. I just never felt anything about losing him.

 

My childhood wasn't the best, I grew up in north las vegas in one of the most ghetto parts attending a public school of 3000 where I was one of 2 white kids. Needless to say there was a lot of hardship there. I think I have honestly put most of that past me but I still felt it might be relevant.

 

I have had very few friends in my life. All of which have back stabbed me in some big way such as attacking me with a baseball bat while I am trying to defend myself and him (small person) from a gang attack. I guess he felt it would be better to not be associated with me right then.

 

I do have 2 true friends, or at least in as far as I know. One is a complete stoner and cannabis dealer that I have known since childhood but he has ALWAYS had my back regardless of anything. My other friend is a foreign exchange student who I thought was Russian for the longest time. I taught him english when he came to America. He is the one person I do not doubt about anything.

 

My friends describe me as very intelligent (to the point of it not being a good thing anymore), funny, compassionate, and an *******. Apparently, those are not mutually exclusive, at least in my friends eyes. I know I am very jaded, very cynical, extremely desensitized to other peoples feelings.

 

I pretty much try to keep focused every single moment of every day on one thing or another. When I let my mind idle I get very depressed or very angry. I am not suicidal or anything like that. I don't actively have a desire to die I just don't have a strong desire to live either.

 

I can't find anything that motivates me, makes me hopeful or excited, or that propels me onward. Whenever I see or experience something that gives me inspiration that feeling fades fast and never comes back.

 

I get tired of everything really fast. I am one of those people who hops from one thing to another with obsessive interest but no long term ability to care about it.

 

I will add more to this later if I can think of other things to say. I will also answer any question asked. Pretty much I am very unhappy all the time, nothing makes me happy. And I honestly don't know why I get up everyday.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Have you considered therapy? Honestly it helps. I don't know what to say (I'm really bad at this comforting stuff) but I think talking to a therapist would help a lot you can get all this off your chest and they can probably help a lot

[TemporalDistortion]

If you have nothing to say about this I would like to hear that too even not caring. I am not wealthy enough for that and all billion times someone has suggested to me I still didn't have enough money. What a great coincidence.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

If you have nothing to say about this I would like to hear that too even not caring. I am not wealthy enough for that and all billion times someone has suggested to me I still didn't have enough money. What a great coincidence.

 

I wish I could message you but you don't have to be rich, I'm not. Check out different therapy websites and see if they take your insurance. Mine is almost fully covered by insurance it is honestly worth it.

[TemporalDistortion]

How do you have insurance? My job doesn't provide it and ones that cover that are completely out of my price range, moreso than just trying to pay out of pocket.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

How do you have insurance? My job doesn't provide it and ones that cover that are completely out of my price range, moreso than just trying to pay out of pocket.

 

I am on my moms through her job. You can get on Medicaid if you need it too.

[TemporalDistortion]

How would I do that? I have no major physical disabilities and even if I was emotionally crippled to the point of being unable to work I would first need medical proof which puts you right back at the beginning.

[beautifulearth83]

Hey man, I get you... I think you are just longing for a father figure. I can relate to that. I'm sure that a lot of the stuff you're going through is normal. Often I think we automatically assume that our problems have to do with our story, but if you switched lives with somebody you may have the same ones. Do you know what I mean?

 

All you can really do is focus on your interests. Listen to music and take up drawing or find other people that enjoy doing these things. I know it is hard, but you don't have to dig around in your head all day looking for a solution or root cause. You may never find it and then your life has passed you by.

 

We are all broken in some way. You just have to make the best of it.

[Seneca]

Wow your story was very poetic. I think you would make a pretty good poet. Well if you can't afford a therapist, then perhaps you should be your own psychotherapist. One self help book that's pretty good is "You can heal your life" by Louise L Hay.

 

I don't have a lot of the experiences you have. But I have experienced self-hatred that was fueled by alcohol. I quit drinking and from the book that I've mentioned I have learned to let go of my anger, to forgive myself, and to see that I am a pretty awesome guy. Perhaps, the book can help you out.

[TemporalDistortion]

I don't know why this posted twice. Sorry about that. I thought of a good way of explaining. I am not suicidal exactly but I do get really strong though short urges to kill myself. However all the rest of the time the best I have is indifference to my own life. I won't take efforts to protect my own life, I have had guns aimed at me and I don't do or say anything or react.

[TemporalDistortion]

Yah I have a job. No medical insurance. I am an atheist. And like I said in the beginning, I have hobbies that come and go. Short bursts of extreme interest.

[josie54]

This might seem like a weird suggestion, but you might try looking more deeply into your personality type, through the Enneagram Institute:

 

Enneagram Institute: Enneagram Testing & Training

 

The site (and others you might find with a Google search) includes quizzes that can help you identify your "type." Under this typing system (which includes 9 personality types), there are healthy versions of your type, average versions, and unhealthy versions. When you allow the tendencies of your type to take over, you reach the place where you are now--feeling like there's no where else to go or nothing you can do to fix how you're feeling.

 

However, once you know what your tendencies are, you can see that they can be used to further your happiness (healthy) or depress it (unhealthy). There are suggestions for ways that people of each type can lean more toward the healthy expression of their tendencies and further away from the unhealthy expressions of them.

 

I know it may seem silly, but knowing my type (the description of it is dead accurate--about 95 percent of the description applies to me all the time and the other 5 percent some of the time) gives me some understanding of why I do the things I do, as well as some idea of what I need to do to stop spiraling into unhealthy patterns. I thought it might help you as well.

 

Good luck.

[TemporalDistortion]

I will look into it. Most personality tests I have taken either haven't fit me or aren't able to categorize me.

[josie54]

Given your response and your original post, I'd guess you're a Type 4. :-). But give it a try anyway...it certainly can't hurt, and it might help.

[Exit]

Sorry I can't really offer much help, just chiming in to say I can relate to a good deal of what you described. I'm the same age and I struggle with the sudden bouts of interest in varying topics but never stick with anything long enough to do anything with it. Lacking direction in life, lacking friends, etc.

 

Speaking of the enneagram tests I did that myself and actually enjoyed it. Mine was very very accurate, although I can't say for certain if it is the same type of thing as horoscopes where it is cleverly generalized to sound very specific and make you relate to it... but in reality is just broad and could apply to anyone. Mainly what I got from my results was just the comfort of not feeling totally insane, to read descriptions about a personality type and realize I'm not totally bizarre because there's actually a description for how I am. Beyond that, the information hasn't really gotten me very far in terms of how to fix things.

[josie54]

I think the "fix" for the unhealthy version of a personality type is to identify the unhealthy actions and thought patterns that you fall back on all the time and do the opposite--it's really just a self-applied form of cognitive behavior therapy.

 

For me (also Type 4) that means whenever I feel like withdrawing from the world, I must make a conscious effort to engage with it. For instance, tonight is Halloween...I usually turn the lights off and retreat to the back of the house--and then I wonder why everyone else gets to enjoy themselves and not me. Which makes so sense, but that's how I think.

 

Tonight, I bought candy and decorated the front a little, and I'm forcing myself to engage with trick-or-treaters. That's exactly oppposite of what I'd rather do, which is sulk about my isolated life!

 

If I feel like I must be unique, special, and completely unlike anyone else in every way to be happy (which I do...always), I must recognize that it's OK if I'm "like everybody else." It's in my nature not to like something if I think everyone else likes it--so, I'll counteract that by realizing that if I like it, I like it. It doesn't matter whether it's a mass trend or a one-of-a-kind object. And if I retreat to my imagination where I can pretend that I'm oh-so-special, I need to realize that's what causes me to waste my life waiting for "something" to happen. I have to force myself back into reality so I can live a life in the real world.

 

My biggest pitfall is that I procrastinate doing important work because I feel that if I can't be brilliant at everything, then I should do nothing. I'm trying to learn that sometimes "just good" is good enough. That means I can get my work done without slipping too far into depression because I can't be perfect. This is the one that's hardest for me, and where I need to work the most.

 

These are some of the ways that the enneagram results have helped me--pinpointing the exact areas that are pulling me down and causing me to waste so much time in my life, so I can make the deliberate (and sometimes monumental) effort to do the exact OPPOSITE, even when I don't feel like it.

 

It does take an act of will, however. If the hold of depression or whatever issue is too strong, and the mind can't force itself to move in the opposite direction, then it might not work. But it can help to start with the small things (like trick-or-treaters!) and work up to the bigger things that you see yourself doing in your ideal life.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, even though our situations are very different. Although I haven't experienced the same kind of trauma that you talk about, I often struggle with an indifference to life. Sometimes when I walk across the street I don't pay as much attention to making sure a car isn't coming, because my motivation is that low. It's an awful feeling, and it definitely feels like you're trapped inside your own sad, pathetic reality while everyone else seems to glide through life more normally. I have one true friend, and I don't want to tell him about this depression because, well, I'm worried it will just make me seem weak and not fun to be around anymore.

[Some Swamis are Fat]

Temporal Distortion, I want to pat you on the back for putting it out there so candidly. Y'know, I've known people who had really adequate childhoods who were still temporally distorted. Considering what you've been through, it seems like you've still got your head on pretty straight. I don't think you need therapy, per se—though good therapy can help anyone and there are free clinics that offer steep discounts (I did it once and it was cool)—I think you should stay right on the path you're on. . .owning it and working it out.

 

I was impressed by your writing skills. Clearly it matters to you that you do things well. You just have to go within, unafraid, and have a little chat with yourself. You need to get reacquainted with what you enjoy about this life. Maybe it's kittens, maybe it's making dinner for a friend, maybe it's drawing cartoons or setting new goals. I have found that earning money is not at all a bad hobby! Self-confidence is boosted a lot by having enough money to do what you want. Maybe a second job is in order for a while, so you have more options. Nobody cares if we're delivering for Pizza Hut for a few months, they just care whether or not we can take care of ourselves. Just go within and get comfy with who you really are. Then take it from there.

 

Your hard-luck story is legit. It sucks and I feel for you. Now it's your job to make it the backbone of who you become. 'Out of the ashes' sort of thing. You're not expected to make it all sing somehow, to forgive everyone and live in bliss. No. You've got a heavy load that you may always be at work on in some capacity. But it is your job to accept the gift of life we've all been given. Some of the greatest people emerged from very tough beginnings. You are still very young, and I think you have a lot of talent and promise. Read my book, "Some Swamis are Fat" if you want to read more about how to work through things on your own.

 

Many blessings, Ava Greene

[TemporalDistortion]

So if you think I am on the right path why do I need to read your book? I am sorry if that sounds combative I am just really wary of people telling me that they have the answer to all of my problems. Especially in a pre-constructed format made for everyone. Not everyone's problems are the same nor is their path to solving them. I managed to delve back into focus mode. Didn't get me anywhere. So here I am again resurfacing for a breath that doesn't stop me from suffocating. Not gonna lie, so far nothing helpful but at least you guys are supportive. But as for finding what makes me happy, I thought I made it abundantly clear that nothing makes me happy. I just go through various shades of grey emotionally, highlighted by some strong depression or anger then back to shades of grey.

[TemporalDistortion]

I took that enneagram test. It pegged me as a "1". Which felt really accurate honestly but doesn't offer any advice on improvement. If it matters I will copy and paste some segments of what it said, maybe A (my original post) + B (this test) will = C (no idea what that is supposed to be).

 

Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience.

 

At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic. Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective

 

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced Enneagram One with a Nine-Wing: "The Idealist" Enneagram One with a Two-Wing: "The Advocate"

 

Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

 

This next part, especially and most of all, struck me as true.

 

Although Ones have a strong sense of purpose, they also typically feel that they have to justify their actions to themselves, and often to others as well. This orientation causes Ones to spend a lot of time thinking about the consequences of their actions, as well as about how to keep from acting contrary to their convictions. Because of this, Ones often persuade themselves that they are “head” types, rationalists who proceed only on logic and objective truth. But, the real picture is somewhat different: Ones are actually activists who are searching for an acceptable rationale for what they feel they must do. They are people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgments to control and direct themselves and their actions.

 

The insight is nice but honestly not helpful...

Edited December 3, 2012 by TemporalDistortion