I don't even know how to begin this

[TemporalDistortion]

FOREWORD: This is long. I decided to really take some time and talk about myself honestly and in detail to hopefully get some better insight about myself.

 

Every time I have ever posted for any kind of help on a forum it hasn't helped me one bit. But I realized that a part of it is probably due to me not conveying enough information. Maybe the things that are screwed up about me are interconnected. I really don't even know where to start. I am in one of my low moods and decided to "seek help" as it were. I don't really know if my problems are interconnected, the same thing, separate issues or what.

 

I am 25 years old, I generally consider myself a good person. I don't do things that I know would cause someone else unhappiness for no reason and generally even go out of my way to avoid those things. I really do have one of those "what if it was me" mentalities, which I think is the main reason I am nice to people.

 

Having said that, I am pretty emotionless aside from anger and occasionally depression like now.So I find it kind of strange to consider myself a caring person about the happiness of others when I really don't care. It doesn't bother me at all to see people upset or hurt but I don't like being the cause of it.

 

I totally do not like myself one bit. This isn't a circumstantially driven issue like "i am fat" although I am chubby. I have come to realize I am never happy with anything I do or what I achieve. I do not like my appearance, personality, mentality, philosophy on life, none of it. I used to think that I just had ideals at odds with who I was so I worked hard and little by little did change myself in some pretty meaningful ways. But even when I did become more of the person I wanted to be it didn't help a bit.

 

I already know I have a pretty deep and abiding hate of women and general distrust. I am aware of this fault in myself and actively work against it. I am not a dick to women or anything like that. But that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there.

 

Part of it is my own fault and part of it is environment. My mother was a sadist and abandoned me and my brother when I was just old enough for the beatings to sink in and be remembered into adulthood. Every women in my life when I was young was a pretty terrible person even when they were trying to be good.

 

My grandma loved me a lot for example. I lived with her for most of my childhood because I didn't have stable living arrangements otherwise. My dad loved me a lot and was a good fatherfigure to me all of the time, when he was there and not in jail for various violent offenses. Anyway, back to my grandma, I know she cared for me a lot but she was extremely verbally and to a lesser extent, physically abusive. I don't know why she was that way but I am sure it was something in her environment just the same.

 

My first girlfriend I totally committed way to much of myself into. She did feel the same way back, she told me much later. But it "scared" her and so she played a lot of mind games, and said a lot of vindictive and horrible things to make me push her away and we ended on very bad terms. She contacted me years later and explained all of this.

 

Being completely honest, I haven't had a real relationship since then.That was when I was like 14 so it has been about a full decade. I have had some minor things since then, with girls I liked a lot but who only apparently liked me enough to fool around and string me along.

 

I pretty much live in a continuous state of emotional neutrality with some really low points both depressingly and anger driven. I never really feel anything else. I can honestly say my dad was the only family member I ever really loved. I didn't feel anything when I found his body visiting him on christmas break at 15 years old.

 

I checked for breathing, checked his pulse, told my stepmom and asked if she wanted me to call 911 or if she would do it. She went hysterical so I called, then went in my room and played video games. I don't feel bad for that. But I do feel like a bad person for it. I still have his army dogtags and a ton of pictures. I just never felt anything about losing him.

 

My childhood wasn't the best, I grew up in north las vegas in one of the most ghetto parts attending a public school of 3000 where I was one of 2 white kids. Needless to say there was a lot of hardship there. I think I have honestly put most of that past me but I still felt it might be relevant.

 

I have had very few friends in my life. All of which have back stabbed me in some big way such as attacking me with a baseball bat while I am trying to defend myself and him (small person) from a gang attack. I guess he felt it would be better to not be associated with me right then.

 

I do have 2 true friends, or at least in as far as I know. One is a complete stoner and cannabis dealer that I have known since childhood but he has ALWAYS had my back regardless of anything. My other friend is a foreign exchange student who I thought was Russian for the longest time. I taught him english when he came to America. He is the one person I do not doubt about anything.

 

My friends describe me as very intelligent (to the point of it not being a good thing anymore), funny, compassionate, and an *******. Apparently, those are not mutually exclusive, at least in my friends eyes. I know I am very jaded, very cynical, extremely desensitized to other peoples feelings.

 

I pretty much try to keep focused every single moment of every day on one thing or another. When I let my mind idle I get very depressed or very angry. I am not suicidal or anything like that. I don't actively have a desire to die I just don't have a strong desire to live either.

 

I can't find anything that motivates me, makes me hopeful or excited, or that propels me onward. Whenever I see or experience something that gives me inspiration that feeling fades fast and never comes back.

 

I get tired of everything really fast. I am one of those people who hops from one thing to another with obsessive interest but no long term ability to care about it.

 

I will add more to this later if I can think of other things to say. I will also answer any question asked. Pretty much I am very unhappy all the time, nothing makes me happy. And I honestly don't know why I get up everyday.