Am I paranoid?, what would you do?

[callmebruce]

Hi guys

 

I've been brought up in a very strict family where family comes first.

I'm 35 and been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. Since before we got married, on several occasions I overheard my wife saying that she's having fantasies about some of my friends and about having sex with them. This completely cut me down at the knees, felt so betrayed and took me a long time to get it out of my mind, over the years things were busy with kids and work and forgetting about the marriage. She's regularly said that she can't even remember when I brought it up in arguments over the years.

 

We've always told each other that we love each other but we behaved like a retired couple, tired with the kids and work...

Recently, my cousin visited from overseas, she completely opened up to him an I've never seen her like this before, it was great, like we were alive again, we went around the country together n spend many weeks together.

He then returned and all was good till she started getting obsessed with him, constant messaging, I love you, I miss you, I really want you to come back, you don't understand how much i care about you, etc...

It felt like it was getting a little out if hand an I asked her to "tone it down" a little bit.

She said she didn't realise it was effecting me butbadmitted that it could have been taken out of context and she said she will stop.

I told her that she doesn't have to stop, just to consider my feelings.

 

After a while, I still suspected something was going on and I checked her messages (I know it's wrong and untrusting and all that), anyway, I was right, the messages kept going, when I confronted her about them, she had deleted them and lied about them ever being there... She obviously deleted them because she knew they were inappropriate, then she denied ever writing them.

Since then, I've got a real big problem with trust.

Almost a year has passed and I still can't look at her the same way.

Recently, I suspected some more "texting" was going on so I checked again (I know, I know but when you smell a rat, there usually is one).

She writes to him about our problems but tells him that what they talk about is none of my business and I don't need to know so she doesn't tell me.

My cousin is caught in the middle, he told her at one stage that she is out of line, she apologised to him for months till he started to message him again. I can understand his position and I told him not to worry.

But inside I'm being torn, am I being unreasonable in expecting some loyalty?

She tells me I'm her #1 and best friend and she can tell me anything but she tells him that what they talk about is none of my business. Even after detailing everything in our own relationship.

I don't mind my cousin knowing, we haven't been close because we're on opposite sides of the world, but I do feel very close to him.

She's always been undermining me and putting me down in public, which is something that I don't deal with very well, and why should I?

In her defence, this is something she is trying to change, if you got a problem, take me aside and we can discuss it, she has changed a lot.

However, I find this lack of loyalty to be too much to get over.

I had a lot of close girl friends that I lost contact with once we got married and recently getting in contact with to prove to myself that what she's doing is OK. It doesn't feel right to me and I feel guilty for even talking to them. I can't she how my wife doesn't understand how I feel, when I clearly don't feel ok talking to these girls knowing how it would make her feel.

She has never been a very social person and it's her way of getting attention and being accepted.

I always encourage her to go out with her friends, to go shopping while I look after the kids but that's not her scene. I can understand that she needs attention but where do I draw the line? It's not getting the right type of attention.

I don't want to tell her to stop, I just don't understand why she keeps doing this when she knows how it makes me feel.

 

Is it ok?

Is it still ok, even though she knows how I feel about it?

Am I being a paranoid?

 

Please be honest.

[standtall]

Hi guys

 

 

Recently, my cousin visited from overseas, she completely opened up to him an I've never seen her like this before, it was great, like we were alive again, we went around the country together n spend many weeks together.

He then returned and all was good till she started getting obsessed with him, constant messaging, I love you, I miss you, I really want you to come back, you don't understand how much i care about you, etc...

 

 

After a while, I still suspected something was going on and I checked her messages (I know it's wrong and untrusting and all that), anyway, I was right, the messages kept going, when I confronted her about them, she had deleted them and lied about them ever being there... She obviously deleted them because she knew they were inappropriate, then she denied ever writing them.

 

Recently, I suspected some more "texting" was going on so I checked again (I know, I know but when you smell a rat, there usually is one).

She writes to him about our problems but tells him that what they talk about is none of my business and I don't need to know so she doesn't tell me.

 

She's always been undermining me and putting me down in public, which is something that I don't deal with very well, and why should I?

 

 

bruce...

 

Where to begin.

 

I highlighted the parts where she has betrayed you, and at the minimum is in an emotional affair with him. The hiding of it is proof that she is betraying you. I would highly suspect a PA occurred when he came to visit..if you're new here, a PA means that she slept with him. the behavior above is not okay, and you are not paranoid for being upset over them. When you 2 got married, I am sure that you took vows to put each other before anyone else...remind her. Being a married father of 3 makes as well, I can put myself in your situation, so here are some other points to consider.

 

1. Your cousin..knowing that your married, is just as guilty of inappropriate behavior.

2. Married people have no business confiding in members of the opposite sex about marital problems unless they are counsel, clergy, or immediate family members...not cousins. This is almost guaranteed to lead to an affair. Her even discussing her marriage with him is wrong.

3. Do not talk to ex flames or other women. Your wife will latch onto this to justify her behavior.

 

Last, IMHO and if this were me, I would lay down the law. Tell your wife that you know that she is having an emotional affair with him, and that it is not appropriate, and will not be tolerated. Tell her it is a deal breaker and you will divorce her..end of story. Also, tell that cousin of yours the same thing and call him out in public for trying to bang your wife. If he doesn't stop...punctuate it with a trip to the hospital.

[seibert253]

Your W has/is having an EA with your cousin. What's worse is that you knew and did nothing to end it.

 

Grow a pair and tell her to end it, never contact said cousin again, or you'll D her.

[pcplod]

Hey Bruce

 

Ignore the primitive advice you're getting. You don't lay down the law with a partner unless you are going to issue an ultimatum that you are prepared to see through by which time all your bridges have been truly burned. As for 'manning up', that is just a vacuous exclamation that can and does mean anything up to and including being a "wife-beater".

 

I get your initial reaction. You didn't want to pick the nuclear option by telling her to have no contact at all with (your) family, to maybe be seen to be churlish, possessive, jealous. That was okay at the time. But, unfortunately, nothing has changed and you now realise that your delay in respect of further action can go on no longer, hence why you posted.

 

Get your cousin's co-operation by firmly insisting that he cease all contact with your wife until the situation is sorted out one way or another, that he should not respond to her communications at all. Even offer to pay for him to have another phone number if appropriate in order to demonstrate your authenticity.

 

Then start talking to your wife. Be assertive but not aggressive. Be confident of your facts. If what you say is true as far as you are concerned just tell her you know what has been going on from the discussions you have had with your cousin (?!) but what you don't understand is WHY it has been happening. You may have to be prepared to hear things from your wife at this point onwards that you might prefer not to hear. That is maybe what is holding you back.

 

Is your wife acting out as a fantasist? Is she using the situation to seek some vicarious excitement, thrill, that is missing from her real life? Is the monotony, drudgery, stress and anxiety of everyday existence getting to her and is this her way of counteracting it? If you were looking at your relationship from the perspective of a third party, would you say that it lacks something for her, for you, for both of you? Is this something that you both need to confront?

 

The possibilities and permutations are potentially endless. I only pose the questions above as a possible starting point for you to start asking your own questions. What you do know right now is that avoiding the subject is not going to bring about an improvement. In that sense it is time to bite the bullet. Prepare yourself, don't act out of impulse. Know what you need to say, when you are going to say it, where you are going to say it, EXACTLY how best to say it, what you need to ask, how you are going to react and respond, how you propose to move things on in a positive and dare I use the cliché, in a 'manful' way, whatever that might mean too.

[KathyM]

You've had very loose boundaries with her, and are continually giving her mixed messages that it's OK to continue to talk to your cousin. I think she has taken advantage of this and has been having an emotional affair with your cousin, and you've been allowing it. I think she appears to need an excessive amount of external validation and attention from other men, and she has no respect for you. I would suggest ending the relationship with your wife, who has no respect for you and is excessively interested in other men, and in the future, set boundaries when in a commited relationship and don't allow them to be violated. You need to be firm about those boundaries if you want others to respect them.

[Quiet Storm]

You can't "nice" her into being faithful and loyal.

 

She has no respect for you.

 

You need to learn boundaries and how to stand up for yourself.

 

She knows you are weak and she is exploiting that knowledge.

[SylviaFG]

Hi guys

Since before we got married, on several occasions I overheard my wife saying that she's having fantasies about some of my friends and about having sex with them. This completely cut me down at the knees, felt so betrayed and took me a long time to get it out of my mind

I told her that she doesn't have to stop, just to consider my feelings.

 

Since then, I've got a real big problem with trust.

 

can understand his position and I told him not to worry.

But inside I'm being torn, am I being unreasonable in expecting some loyalty?

 

I don't mind my cousin knowing, we haven't been close because we're on opposite sides of the world, but I do feel very close to him.

She's always been undermining me and putting me down in public, which is something that I don't deal with very well, and why should I?

 

It doesn't feel right to me and I feel guilty for even talking to them. I can't she how my wife doesn't understand how I feel, when I clearly don't feel ok talking to these girls knowing how it would make her feel.

 

I don't want to tell her to stop, I just don't understand why she keeps doing this when she knows how it makes me feel.

 

Is it ok?

Is it still ok, even though she knows how I feel about it?

Am I being a paranoid?

 

Please be honest.

 

I can't actually be tooo honest, because my honest reaction is inappropriate for this forum, and it is also not relevant. But let's just say that I am extremely turned off by feminine-energy men, and with all this sorry stuff about your feelings, you are squarely in the feminine-energy position in your relationship, as per Patricia Allen's book *Getting to "I do"*.

 

Your wife is unfortunately not showing any sign of wanting to cherish your feminine feelings, and it may be that she is also not attracted to your feminine energy feelings. If she is like many women, wanting her husband to wear the pants, your wearing the skirt is probably making her skin crawl, and the advice others have given to the effect that you need to grow a pair and set her straight is wise.

 

That means not talking about your feelings, but telling her things are going to change NOW, and not accepting any further nonsense from her. You need to get MAD not hurt, and you need to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and let her know who's boss. This woman's behavior is diabolical, but trust me, with you being all hurt and going on about your feelings, that's enough to drive just about any woman to infidelity. Your wife might actually *want* you to give her what for and lay down the law -- has that occurred to you?

 

I would leave a man like you, not do what your wife is doing, but your wife has not left you yet so my guess is that the situation might be redeemable if you start getting tough with her. My goodness she needs to be taken in hand and put on a tight rein. (Speaking of which, you need to read Taken In Hand and Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for concrete practical ideas for how to take charge and start acting like the man of the house.) Do you think it is possible for you to change in this way, or do you need to divorce this woman who is walking all over you, and find a masculine-energy woman who will cherish your feminine-energy feelings rather than walking all over you.

 

If you fear that manning up will drive your wife away, for a start you're probably wrong, and secondly, just how much outrageous behavior and disrespect and humiliation are you willing to put up with for this woman? Also, why do you think she would want to be with someone who would put up with this?

 

Just take it one small step at a time. You don't have to change totally over night.