thinking Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Hi, I have something I can only get out of my chest no where else. I am getting married to my bf of 2 years in a couple of months. We are constantly working on arranging things and moving house together and so on. Then a friend of his from school visited us recently and I was very excited to meet him since my bf has been talking about him a lot. I had to spend more time with the friend since my bf was busy and we got along very well. I felt refreshed and stimulated around him and since he was very shy and uncomfortable I tried hard to make him feel at home. He is good-looking and intelligent and sweet, so I find myself thinking about him now. He is married and my bf's best childhood friend and I am getting married, so all this seems so wrong, but I can't help but think about him. I would never make a move or anything, but the problem is I am thinking about him, he and his wife will be at our wedding, I will see him again and how will I feel? How could this happen when I thought I had found Mr.Right? I feel so guilty... Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Oh, take it from an old married woman (20 years in), this sort of things is very common. There's no one absolutely right partner. We find someone who's a great fit and grow together with him. But, we meet other men now and then who would also have been possibles and we go, "wow." Now, you've met such a guy. No surprise, since he and your current beau have much in common as longtime friends. Two things to consider: Of course, you don't know for sure that anything with that guy would have worked -- you haven't got a tested relationship with him as you do your partner. Everything's moonbeams and fantasy with a new person, before you've smelled their socks, seen them mad, had them get irritated with a habit of yours. If you were with him instead and your fiance came for a visit -- had the thrill of being new and unexpected -- you'd go "wow" for him, too. So -- relax. Your fiance (later husband) will have similar feelings from time to time, too. Most married people do. Just don't act on them. Put yourself out of temptation's way by not being alone with the friend and getting to know his wife. And, of course, don't tell your husband to be. You'd only hurt his feelings and confuse him. You haven't actually cheated -- you've only felt a strong attraction for someone else. No big deal. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
thinking Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Thanks Uriel, it's just that I am so disappointed with myself and am so emotional about this, couldn't help but cry anytime I think of the friend. I thought he was also somehow interested and fighting it back, which made him even more attractive in my eyes. I don't think it would have worked between me and him, I know that but that doesn't help me. I feel very strange when I am with my bf as well. I hope time helps... Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Yes, time helps. So does rethinking what a loving relationship with a longterm partner actually is. Lots of women are raised to believe that they'll find one true love and never have those feelings for anyone else. That's not how it works. It's not magic. That's especially true after you've been with someone for long enough that the biochemical response to the initial attraction has died down (scientific researchs shows it lasts for two years tops usually). So you get that with someone new and boom -- all over physical tingles. It's the lack of familiarity with the other person that makes your hormones soar. Just keep that in perspective. Otherwise, you're in danger of becoming a romance addict -- as some women do. Going from one relationship to another every time the chemistry dies down to a comfortable partnership level and the next hormone bomb shows up. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
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