memomma Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Today is my youngest daughter's 16th birthday. Last night her sister and I gave her a suprise party and invited about 6 of her friends to come over. We decorated the house, had cake ,etc. etc. My husband of almost 6 years has yet to wish her a happy birthday. He knew about the party and saw her last night and this morning and hasn't said one word to her. This really ticks me off. When we married......before we married actually.......I told him that if I ever got married again, I would need my husband to act as a father to my children because their father has not. (he...their father...is an alcoholic and has not been a positive influence in their lives at all). So it's not like my husband doesn't know the kids situation....it's more like he doesn't care about it. Or so that's how it seems to me. He has never had kids and I realize these kids are not his children but when he asked me to marry him, he knew I had three kids and they are my life. Just writing this is making me mad. I've been contemplating divorce for some time and this is just another example of why I think our marraige is a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 In my experience -- personal and through observing others -- it's common for stepfathers not to feel a strong emotional connection to their nonbiological children. I don't know if that's nature or nurture in these men. They just don't have the same or corresponding emotion they would to their own. When it's a competition between the two, the biological kids win. When it's stepkids alone, they lose. It's a rare stepfather who is a big enough man, a deep enough human being, to give where the biological connection isn't -- possible, happens, but uncommon. Even so, this guy should be trying to connect with your kids to help build a family with you. You're right that he knew what the stakes were before he married you. You definitely need to have a talk about this -- and the other frustrations that are leading you to consider divorce. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Coming from personal experience Its a problem. I had a step father who was soo cold. Now in my heritage I'm spanish when a girl turns 15 its a huuuuge deal. It's when she becomes a woman blah blah blah. You rent a ball room have a huge party and spend thousands on pictures in a huge dress. Now this was so important to me. Now my stepdad had done stuff in the past cuz he was a jerk but I thought that day would be different knowing it was my 15's and all. Well the day came he said nothing to me. He didnt put down money for the pictures or dress or party my family had to scramble what little they had to make a memory for me. He never went to the party and when I wanted to show him the pictures he refused to look at them he said leave them on the counter I'll see them when I get a chance. I'm so much older now but That really left a scar. It hurt. That was just one example but my mother realized he was a an ahole and eventually left him. You need to talk to him.You need to remind him of the conversation you had with him about being a father and how he's not living up to it. Its not fair for your daughter to deal with that especially if hes not even her real father. It hurts and it leaves scars. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 What an a$$. Why did he want to get married unless he was willing to be an influence and have some interest and concern for your children? They aren't his children, but he should at the least try to develop a good relationship with them. He doesn't have to be Stepfather of the Year, but he could at least try to be friendly and supportive of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author memomma Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Thanks for replying to my post. This issue between my husband and my children has been an ongoing problem for severals years now. It isn't getting any better. A common suggestion in the replys I received was that I "talk to him"......believe me, I have tried. It ends up with me talking at him... not talking with him. I'm tired of trying to do all the communicating. He isn't interested in counseling. Told me it "was nonsense." I just don't see continuing in this relationship any longer. Although my kids are older.....16, 19 and 20.....I still feel they deserve better than this from the man I married. I am going to see if the day ends without any acknowledgement from him about her birthday and will make my decision to proceed with a divorce or not based on his actions. We'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Please keep me posted on your story. Im really curious since I've been through the exact same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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