Laura Posted November 7, 2000 Share Posted November 7, 2000 I have a really close friend, and a while back we started sleeping together in one of those "friends with benefits" arrangements. Of course, these arrangments never really work, because someone always gets attached. This time that someone was me. But I didn't tell him how my feelings for him were deepening, and after a while he met someone else that he thought he could have a serious relationship with, so we stopped sleeping together and went back to being just friends. The thing with the other woman didn't work out. And now I would like nothing better than for me and him to try again, this time as more than just friends with benefits. We're very close, we tell each other everything, and I honestly think we'd be very good together. But I get the impression that he has just closed his mind to the possibility without seriously considering it, as if at the moment we broke up the first time I was relegated to the trash heap with no hope of being pulled out again. Is that the way it is with men; never look back, no matter what? It just seems so weird; he's always talking about the kind of woman he wants to date, and the qualities he's looking for, and the description always comes out sounding like ME, point for point! And I think he realizes it, too. So what's the deal? Why won't he give us a second chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 7, 2000 Share Posted November 7, 2000 YOU ASK: "Is that the way it is with men; never look back, no matter what?" That's the way it is with some men...and some women. When you make a deal, the honorable thing is to stick to it. Well, it works good that way in business...but when it involves human feelings, that can be a different story. He kept his end of the bargain to the letter and, when he found a romantic situation, he went for it. He did nothing wrong. You said he relegated you to the trash heap but it sounds like the two of you are still close friends...I wouldn't call that the trash heap. It seems like it in your mind because you have strong feelings for him. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE but to talk to him and let him know how you feel. A plain ole friendship with someone you have strong feelings for is an outright lie. It's cruel to yourself and dishonest to the other person. You need to ask him, once he is over his breakup, if he would be open at some point to taking the friendship to a higher level. If he's not open to more, you need to ease away from him for a while so you can sort your feelings out, heal, and move on to find romance for yourself. Maybe you will want his friendship later, maybe not. But if he tells you he wants only friendship, respect that...and respect your own feelings. It is not being nice to yourself to be close to someone you really deeply care about if the feelings aren't mutual. In some cases, it could be downright insane. And if you just hang around forever hoping he will change his mind eventually, that is definitely crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kurt Posted November 8, 2000 Share Posted November 8, 2000 i'm sort of in the same boat, but coming from the other direction. and yeah, it's pretty insane she helped me through a difficult time in my life; was what i would call a really good friend. we're both of the mystical, hippie-ish persuasion, and both have high libido. we had instant sympatico, super energy, 'soulmate' grade interactions... so we wound up in what i would call an 'open' friendship, with neither of us admitting we wanted (nor, probably, wanting) a deeper relationship. though, of course, being a guy, i could be mistaken this went on for about 9 months. followed by 3 months of decreasing contact, as i got involved in some art projects, and generally got absorbed in work. several weeks ago, i called her up again. she's gone celibate, saying i 'betrayed her trust', and we can be friends, but never go back to what we were before. and here i was just wanting to say hi so, i started sending 1-800-flowers to her office every 2 days, took her out to dinner a couple of times, took her down to marshalls and bought her a winter wardrobe... and now she's saying, well, let's wait and see, maybe it'll rekindle... who knows...what goes on in a woman's mind (unfathomable to this guy, mostly) kurt Link to post Share on other sites
Laura Posted November 8, 2000 Share Posted November 8, 2000 so, i started sending 1-800-flowers to her office every 2 days, took her out to dinner a couple of times, took her down to marshalls and bought her a winter wardrobe... and now she's saying, well, let's wait and see, maybe it'll rekindle... That's really sweet. But I think there's a crucial difference here, and that's the fact that even though we're in the same position, YOU'RE a man and I'M a woman. I think you have the advantage here in that women (I'm speaking in generalities here, of course) LIKE to be romanced and pursued. It's really special when a guy feels so strongly about you that he will go to such lengths to get a second chance. Even if she doesn't think she wants to give you that second chance, she's more likely to think your behaviour "sweet" than anything else. However, I can't do what you're doing. If I started sending him flowers and buying him gifts and inviting him to dinner, he'd be more likely to run away screaming than think "oh, how sweet." Guys (for the most part) don't like to be pursued in this way. Even if he had been inclined to reconsider our relationship beforehand, if I started doing this stuff it would just drive him away. That's why I'm at such a loss as to what to do. Tony suggested we sit down and talk. But talk is one thing; action is another. Actions speak louder. But what kind of action could I take to show him how I feel that won't drive him away? Practically none. So I'm probably going to have to settle for a talk and hopefully give him something to think about. Thanks for your input, guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 8, 2000 Share Posted November 8, 2000 You are correct in everything you have written...except you seem to demean the importance of a talk, implying action is more important. Well, you are right there, too, except he has no basis whatsoever for taking any action unless you let him know how you feel. You must open the door and see if he comes in. If he doesn't, you must free yourself and your emotions for other things. Having a talk with him is your ONLY option, short of praying to St. Jude or Mother Theresa. Link to post Share on other sites
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