No contact 3 months/want to contact him now. Advice/???

[sally1530]

its been over 3 months... havent seen him or talked with him... since he called off the wedding... after I found he was on an internet site saying he was single and email girls... he said he didnt cheat ...on me...

 

Well , im feeling much better about myself been on about 8 dates now... and havent had any connections yet.... I do really miss my ex... and would really like to at least be friends... or more... I just cant seem to give up the spark of hope... I dont know why... but today I really want to go to his house or call him on the phone and talk with him... He said not to contact him anymore... because I made him pay for the entire wedding... and that we had a few nasty grams a few months ago... Im not mad anymore and just want to see him again.. is this wise?

 

Will he just not want to talk with me... or maybe he wants me to contact him now... I dont know... what should I do.... I know he wont contact me.... he thinks im dating someone else and im not. advice/.

[uriel]

Avoid him. You're starting to want contact with him because the immediate pain of betrayal and shock of loss have worn off. You are still, as you say, holding on to hope. Old memories and tender feelings have begun to resurface. This is very common in break-ups.

 

BUT, you still can't trust him. If he hadn't cheated on you yet, he was looking to do it. You did the right thing by calling off the wedding. What makes you think he's all the more likely to be faithful now -- when he's got a gutful of resentment on top of his lies?

 

You haven't completely moved on emotionally. This isn't the time to renew a friendship, especially one that's not about the friendship so much as sniffing around for a second chance.

 

Move on with your life. You're only going to get hurt if you pursue this. If this guy was crazy about you and wanted to make things right, he would not have given up and left you to date other people without continuing to keep in touch -- attempt to win you back. In fact, he's told YOU not to contact him. Believe me, that's not a good sign. Show him weakness and he may use you for sex.

 

But, get back together? If he wants that, he knows were to find you and how to start to make good. Let him do the work. He's the one who broke your trust and ruined things.

 

-- uriel

[StartingAgain]

Sally, I know how you feel with the spark of hope. I think that takes a long time to go away. As ridiculous as it may sount, I still have that feeling, even though I know with absolute certainty that my marriage is o-v-e-r. The heart is a slow learner......

 

However....

 

"He said not to contact him anymore..."

 

You must honor this. It isn't up to you to contact him. Rather, if he wants any sort of contact/relationship, he must contact you. I think the most you should do is maybe have a mutual friend plant an idea and see what happens.

[sally1530]

I see his friend at the health club... Ive only asked her once about how he is doing... she said he hasnt said anything about the breakup and seems to be doing okay. Hes not with anyone that shes aware of yet. But I dont know if she would tell me the truth anyway. She is more loyal to him than me. She and her husban are going on a week long trip with him and his family next week... so maybe I should ask her to find out what the deal is? He cancelled the wedding after I snooped and found he was on the internet sites...with a profile. Hes making me feel that Ive done something wrong.. I know snooping is bad, im sorry for that, but look what I found. He said he didnt cheat... so I forgave him the next day, but it wasnt enough...

 

after two weeks he said he wasnt sure if he could work on things anymore and he was thinking about what it would be like to be with another woman. I got mad and sent him a email the next week and said im moving on with my life and cant wait for you to decide what you wanted. He sent me a email saying he doesnt blame me for feeling that way. I sent him a email 3 weeks later saying im happy, things are going well in my life, and he sent back a email saying dont contact me anymore.. I got mad and sent him a nasty gram, saying that i met someone else... (it was a lie- im sorry for that) I thought it would make him see that I was desirable... it back fired...im not good at playing games. Anyway, he then wrote and said he no longer wanted or needed a relationship with me and he was done. I wanted to tell him for the past two months that im sorry for saying that, and I dont think at this point it would matter. He gave me $11,000 for the wedding costs. and thought that I should have paid about 9K of it. I didnt, he thinks hes the victim and im a bad person.

 

Am I a bad person? I snooped but then found that stuff. was it enough for him to cancel the wedding? Why hasnt he tried to get me back? Should I tell him the truth about how Ive felt these past few months of being away from him? I still love him... it sucks but I do... and I feel if I dont set the records straight soon, I might really blow it forever... what should I do?

[uriel]

He hasn't tried to get you back because he was already having doubts. You gave him an opportunity to get out without looking like the bad guy. Men hate that. Your getting so (rightfully) angry and telling him so only gave him further mental excuses for leaving.

 

Okay, you snooped. You had feelings of doubt -- and guess what? They weren't unfounded. You listened to your intuition and you were right. Maybe it wasn't the best way to go about it, but it pales in comparison to the dishonest behavior he was up to. He is only saying you did the worse thing to shift blame onto you so that he doesn't have to feel so bad about himself.

 

He's not coming back because he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he'd be back already. Got it? Leave this guy alone. He'll break your heart (again).

 

If you can't stand not saying something and just have to go against this advice, write him a letter telling him everything you've felt. Write it so that it says exactly what you feel and nothing more or less. Make it something you can live with if you never hear from him again. Mail it. Then, do not contact him. If you don't hear from him, you'll know he doesn't want the connection.

 

Of course, you'll just be keeping yourself on a rollercoaster, heating your feelings back up. You'll probably have to hear how he feels and call him to find out. There's always a reason to renew contact. You can rationalize it any way you want.

 

That's why I say, you've already got your answer. If he wanted you back, he would have found you. And, he wouldn't have been looking up other women to begin with.

 

-- uriel

[sally1530]

He said he was looking for curiousity and that nothing happened and he was sorry for doing that to me. He didnt think I could ever forgive him, because of how mad I got at him when I found out. I know maybe I might have over reacted a bit and said some things I shouldnt have... but I was so hurt... I was under such stress with the wedding planning.... that I just caved in... and my emotions and logic went out the door.

 

He says that its my fault for not accepting him completely, and that im controlling( no way) and that I couldnt trust him... he knew I had had a partner of mine in the past cheat on me and how hurt I was.

 

I guess writing a letter... might be good and bad... I mean it would be a big ego boost for him and might even make him think hes less to blame for what had happened. or it might really clue him in that I still care and how I have been really feeling. It might make a difference... maybe/maybe not... I know he is too stuborn to reach out to me at this point... so it would be up to me to do it... I just dont know how serious he is about the no conact thing.... I know I hurt him with what ive said in the nasty grams...and he thinks Ive cheated him out of money....

 

I just wish he could be a man and say, I cheated on you or I didnt cheat on you , but im not mature enough at 38 to have a committed relationship with you, or Ive fallen out of love with you or something.... other than the trust issue gig... that could have been worked on...

 

So should I send the letter? or will this be stupid and get no results other than inflating is already big ego?

or will this soften his heart?

[Megan5P]

I totally agree with Uriel and trust me, I've been in the exact same situation you are in. I divorced my husband after a brief marriage in which my gut feelings told me I couldn't trust him. He was doing some things behind my back too and I caught him. He blamed me for finding out his secrets then tried to make me out to be the bad guy.

 

I divorced him and haven't heard from him since - I loved him but knew for the sake of my sanity I had to get out of the marriage. I've had huge feelings of guilt, crushed self esteem, lonliness, anger, resentment, etc. Many times I've wanted to contact my ex but I haven't. He knew the day I was going to the courthouse to get a divorce and he didn't ever try to stop me.

 

In the past when we had problems I was the one who always made the first move to repair the relationship. We'd break up and he'd never call or make the first move - it was always me. I finally realized how much effort I was putting in without getting anything in return.

 

As torturous as it might be to get over this guy - do your damndest not to contact him. Save yourself further grief. When you contact him you start the grieving process all over again.

 

Don't feel bad about snooping and finding out what you did. Your gut feelings were telling you he was up to no good and you found the proof. You'll never be able to trust the guy - he's a cad. Find someone who will treat you better. Just give it time - love hurts like hell but eventually you move on. One day you'll be so glad you never contacted him and will wonder what you saw in him in the first place.

[sally1530]

Its really hard because he was really there for me when my mother died... its just when the ring got on my finger , things changed for him.... I think he got scared and I know he had doubts... but why did he propose then? and let me move in with him and make me plan a big wedding of 180 people when all I wanted to do was elope.

 

I dont feel guilty about the money... he should pay the entire wedding costs... period... and I gave him the $3K ring back... and he said that it didnt really matter that I gave him the ring or not, and that I didnt want to give it to him the first week... so that made me a bad person.

 

Im just unsettled I guess, because he told everyone he knows "I was the one" and that hes never been with a girl like me and been so happy in his life. Im the best thing thats ever happened to him....so then why did he throw it all away? Its not like hes young... hes 38.... he should want to settle down now...dont you think?

 

Maybe I embarrased him so much by finding out what he was doing, and not accepting his behavior and by snooping... not really sure.

[sally1530]

Any other advice?

[sally1530]

uggg... im so torn if I should write a letter to him or not... help

[uriel]

I just want to add that there's not much of a line between going online and soliciting other women to cheat and actually doing the deed. Yes, there's a distinction, but it's not such an innocent one. It's not like he was simply fantasizing about other women. He went looking for them. If you hadn't caught him, he might have found them (if he's not lying about that). I don't see that this puts him in a better light.

 

The reason he's 38 and still doing this junk to a woman he supposedly loves more than anything is because he's emotionally screwed up at some level. He has a commitmentphobic profile, most likely. Read Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter -- that may explain some things to you about what's happened.

 

If you're struggling over whether to write the letter or not, given yourself another week, then another, and keep putting it off until it doesn't become necessary. Every time you have an impulse to write it, write here or in a journal instead. Keep reminding yourself about the bad times, not the good. That will keep you from contacting him.

 

-- uriel

[sally1530]

What happened if he was on the site and really did think it was harmless? and I blew a good thing with him? Hes so much of what I wanted in a man... I just never thought he would abondon me... he told me several times that my beauty took his breath away... whats the problem? Why does he need naked pictures and flirting from other women? Hes a very attractive man with a nice body... I am attractive and a nice body too... I just dont get it... how someone could propose on christmas and within a month be having doubts... didnt he think this out before he went and got the ring?

 

Uggg

[Megan5P]

Sally, men say and do things to make us dependent on them. They say they love us just to have sex - it's their nature to say things they know will tug at our deepest emotions all in an effort to suck us in. My exhusband professed undying love to me then would turn around and go out and buy porn magazines - cut me off physically and satisfy his sex urges without turning to me. Yet if I even looked at another man he would become infuriated.

 

I asked him one day how he'd feel if I went out and purchased a magazine of hot bodied firemen with enormous hard-ons - came home, locked myself in the bathroom and fantastized and satisfying myself while looking at these men - would he approve? He said NO.

 

When I caught him with his latest batch of magazines he knew how I felt and freaked out. He broke into tears, started shaking and begged me to forgive him that he knew how I felt finding those magazines, etc. I knew right then that he was always going to do whatever pleased him with no respect for me. The magazines weren't the problem - it was the blatant disrespect for my feelings. He KNEW how I felt but did whatever he wanted anyway. Porn wasn't the issue - it was the fact it was ok for him and not for me.

 

I divorced him and left him a note with his magazines saying "Here ya go buddy - jack off to your hearts content because you ain't touching me ever again and now need these magazines more than ever!".

 

Yet he told me many times I was the love of his life and he had no desire to look at another woman and if I ever cheated on him he'd kick me out of the house, etc. Men say alot of **** to suck you in - don't believe anything they say - only believe what they do.

 

My ex told me he loved me after only a month of dating. You can't LOVE anyone that fast - love takes time. Alot of men say **** just because it sounds good and we fall all over them all mushy eyed. Half of what they say they'd say to the next girl that comes along.

 

Not all men are like this. Get over this dirt clod and find a guy you can trust.

 

If he was as fascinated with you as he claimed he would put more effort into trying to hang on to you. Don't embarrass yourself by contacting him. It's exactly what he wants and will put all the power in his court and feed his ego.

 

Trust me on this - DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

[sally1530]

I think he did want to contact me after the cancellation of the wedding... but we were at each other.... fighting that he pushed me away (contact wise) and I got mad so I said I was moving on and I found someone else and said some nasty things because I was really hurting inside and wanted I guess to cause him a little pain too. I thought he might miss me at some point and want to talk to me again, he hasnt... but I do wonder if its the nasty emails that I sent (3) that did the trick.. I know he thinks thats the way I feel about him but its not and hasnt been, it was a spur of the moment point of rage in a email that I sent... I wish I could set things straight... I was thinking of sending a letter today stating that I do still have feelings for him and that I dont have a boyfriend and Im sorry about the emails I sent after we broke up.. I dont think there is any chance he might change his mind about me... and well thats the risk I take but then at least I set the record straight, and can move on with a clear concious (sp?) . I have someone who wants to date me... but I think I have been holding back because I wondered what would happen if I really told him how I felt for the past 3 months... so I think I will right the letter as a last attempt to correct things and know that I wont hear from him or get back together with him and that I now have set the record straight, boosted his ego and I feel good about telling the truth about the matter so I can move forward and leave the past in the past. Knowing I did everything I could to make it work with him.

 

Do you think this is okay?

[StartingAgain]

Sally, men say and do things to make us dependent on them. They say they love us just to have sex - it's their nature to say things they know will tug at our deepest emotions all in an effort to suck us in.

 

 

As a generalization about all men, I can assure you that this statement couldn't be more false. Most men cannot abide a woman who is 100% dependant on him. And the part about telling you he loves you just to get some sex, may be true of the little boys out there, but a man can get all the sex he needs without doing that. Were I to come in heere and make such sweeping and derogatory remarks about women in general, I'd be labeled as a sexist pig. Yet, I do agree with you in your advice to Sally. Sally, DO NOT contact him. This is not your call. He told you not to contact him, so you don't. Just move on. The longer you play this "should I contact him game," the longer it's going to take you you to get on with your life. He was engaged to you, but trying to scare up some booty on the side. (curiosity my butt!). If he thinks that his fiancee's/wife's demand that he not to this is controlling, well, I think he's going to find that just about every woman on the planet is controlling.