Feelings for another man

[Tink23]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here.

 

I am 29 and my husband is 33. We've been married for 4 years but together for 9. We have 2 children, ages 2.5 and 5 months.

 

My husband has some major issues with anger/anxiety/depression that have caused him to be emotionally abusive to both me and our children. In the past, I kind of just took it but now that we have kids, I can't take it Anymore. I saw a relationship counselor, and he told me I had to set boundaries. I told my husband I couldn't take it anymore and he's been on his best behavior since. However, I've seen him go through these "nice" periods. They don't last.

 

I feel like I've held so much anger and resentment in for so long now that I just can't forgive him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. He's a great looking man who takes excellent care of himself but his actions have been so ugly that I'm no longer attracted to him.

 

I know I am probably going to get some horrible feedback for this... But I've been having an affair with an ex for a couple of months now. He knows how my husband has always treated me and has encouraged me to find happiness on my own away from my husband. He said I'm too young to waste my time on my husband (counselor said the same thing) if he's nothing but hateful and mean to me and the kids the majority of the time.

 

I'm not sure that the relationship with my ex would go anywhere if my husband and I split, but I'd really like the opportunity to find out. My ex has been in my life and we've been great friends for 17 years now. We've always had a "spark" between us but it was never the right time. We went to different colleges, worked in different cities, and were obviously in relationships with other people.

 

I know it's cliche and I'm going to get a lot of "the grass isn't greener on the other side" comments. How do you really KNOW though?

 

The honest truth is I have tried and tried to cut this man out of my life but I just can't seem to do it. Even in times that we have gone months/years without speaking, I think of him often and wish that I could be sharing certain moments with him.

 

I have thought about just sitting down and telling my husband that I have feelings for another man, but what good does that do? It's just going to hurt him. He clearly knows that he has been mean to me and made me unhappy over the years... I just don't think he knows how far he's pushed me.

 

I'm scared to separate from him and lose my kids part of the time. But I'm also scared to stay in a relationship where I'm not in love anymore and be unhappy just to say that I stayed and made it work. Life is too short for that.

 

Like I said, my husband has been on his best behavior but that's only because he was confronted and also bc he could probably sense something was up with me. I appreciate his effort, but this has happened before and gone right back to the same. I just think me and my kids deserve better.

 

I'm not saying my ex is the answer to any of that... But how can I know? This is just so frustrating.

[Yasuandio]

I'd wait till your "honeymoon" period is over with your affair partner before dissing your mariage, some of the time with kids, and ALL the Family Time with said. Experiecing the surge of an emotional and phyical high (or low) is not a good time to make a life altering decision for you or the kids. Imean, think about how many people's lives are going to be changed.

 

your husband is making an effort. why don't you encourage him? This "ILYBINILWY" in plain bull. People's loves varies from time to time. Average person falls in or out of love at least four times during their life time even during the marriage. there is a plethoa of data and reseach that demonstates that the love feeling can be recovered. But, you have to WANT it.

 

RIGHT NOW, WIFE WANTS GOOD BLANKING WITH NEW GUY, THATS MORE FUN, RIGHT? Believe me, I understand. You have no history with this new man. It will never be the same depth as your marriage. Right now, you only see negative......abuse, abuse, abuse. What specific abuse? Did I miss something? Have you called the police? If he abused children, did you protect them and call Social Services? See, this cuts both ways.

 

If you did nothing about the abuse except have a sex affair, what does that say about you? Just playing devil's advocate here. I am no angel myself. Please order a copy of Tough Love by James Dobson. you can get it used for a couple bucks on Amazon. Thiis book will get thru to you about what you re doing - and your rationalizations thereto. It certainly did for me. I am not judging you - I did something remotely similiar while separated. it was still not the right thing to do - and I used your own rationalizatiion (abuse) for years, as well as some others, such as:

 

"God would understand because he abadondoned me in a foreigh country, endangering my life, having neglected me as a woman for years and I couldn't help myself."

 

[Dobson calls this the ulitmate rationalization, when you use a high power to justify your actions.]

 

I hope this helps. Yas

[Tink23]

What specific abuse? Did I miss something? Have you called the police? If he abused children, did you protect them and call Social Services? See, this cuts both ways.

 

He's never physically abused me or the kids. It's emotional abuse. With his mood swings, I feel like I am walking on egg shells 24/7. He won't listen to me if I've had a bad day bc it makes him "upset". If I try to talk to him about anything he'll just say "you can stop there, I'm not interested". He's mean to my family/friends and will ruin every social outing with his negativity and rude comments.

 

Towards the kids, he tells them to "shut the f" up and flips them off. I don't know any other grown men telling their children to shut the f up. It's just very unattractive.

 

My 2.5 yr old now runs around screaming "f**k". At least he's too young to understand what it means or blame himself. But I'm sure he picks up on his Dad's negativity.

[ParadeRain]

 

I feel like I've held so much anger and resentment in for so long now that I just can't forgive him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

No, you used to love him, but you don't anymore, and EVERY TIME a women says what you just said, there is ALWAYS another man involved as a man I find it vile, devious and disgusting

 

I just don't think he knows how far he's pushed me.

So you're blaming him for your actions?

It's not your choice to go behind his back and cheat on him with your ex?

It's your husbands fault...?

 

I just think me and my kids deserve better

You're cheating on him, it is your husband who deserves better.

 

 

Do your husband a favour, tell him what he deserves to know, and set him free so that he can be hurt, heal, and hopefully go move on to find somebody who deserves him.

Edited October 31, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Soxfaninfl]

No, you used to love him, but you don't anymore, and EVERY TIME a women says what you just said, there is ALWAYS another man involved as a man I find it vile, devious and disgusting

 

All I can say is amen! I'm glad I'm divorced and will probably never marry again. Hearing those words scared me for life.

[Adalae]

Brand spanking new here, but I read something yesterday that surfaced in my brain after reading this thread. Thought I'd throw it in... In a nutshell, the article said if you're hung up on an ex while in a relationship, you're generally only remembering and experiencing the good parts. Spending enough time with them will make you realize why you're exes in the first place. However, you'd generally let you current partner know about these feelings for someone else, and there's no guarantee they'll be waiting for you when the "honeymoon period" is over between you and the ex.

 

Pretty much what Yasuandio said in their first paragraph. You can play out scenarios in your head about how things will play out, but I think you'd have to do it to find out. On the same note, you have to be willing to deal with the repercussions... You may just end up alone with only partial custody of your kids.

[2sunny]

Using his bad behavior to justify your bad behavior is useless.

 

Proper order would have been to end the M before starting anything new.

 

But you just couldn't wait...so now you rewrite your marital history.

 

Bottom line is - IF the M is SO BAD - END IT!

 

What you are doing is not nice!

 

What your H has been doing is not nice - but YOU ALLOWED IT by staying.

 

When you stay - you are affirming that its ok with you.

 

Since its not ok - divorce!

 

Keep your OM out of it until the divorce is FINAL!!!

[pteromom]

I completely get the whole emotional abuse thing. I live it too, and I know how it kills attraction and causes the "walking on eggshells" feeling.

 

But -

 

Because HE is an a$$ doesn't give you the right to be an a$$ too.

 

You have sold out your own integrity because of your husband's actions. That doesn't make sense.

 

So, what should you do?

 

First, you need to end the affair immediately. Not only are your feelings for your ex clouding the real issue - whether or not you should stay in your marriage - infidelity will also count against you in any type of custody battle. If you end up divorced, you want to walk into the courtroom squeaky clean. Every day you keep this affair up is another day your husband may find out. Delete calls, texts, emails. Delete your ex's number. Go NC with him.

 

Then - start documenting. Document your husband's anger. Document your schedule. Start setting aside money for yourself. This is a time of preparation in case you do end up divorcing your husband.

 

During this time, give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to change.

 

And see what happens next. Maybe you will fall back in love with him and be able to fix things. Maybe you will want to divorce immediately.

 

But you need to end this before moving on to the next thing. Tell your ex you need to work on ending your marriage and you'll call him in a few months.

 

Yes, it is hard to walk away from someone you have feelings for. But you know it is the right thing to do.

[aMguilts]

hi Tink23 .

 

Sorry for the replies you got here. I know It`s not what you want to hear.

 

If you feel that you can longer take his abuse than you already know what you got to do.

 

To stay around just because your married, or you got kids, is NOT a reason.

You are not being selfish in leaving this guy. You are doing him, and more to the point, YOU a favour.

From what you have said, more harm will come if you stay, than if you leave?

 

IMO you should leave this guy, it`ll be a big wake up call for him, but then you will get a `rainbow` version of him while he tries to , win you back around.

 

Let him.

 

Mean time i think you should get out of there, get your kids into a place where they can grow up in a safe and above all ,happy environment.

 

wish you the best,

[aMguilts]

As some one who suffers from anxiety I can relate to your husband. The same thing has kind of happen to me, my ex left me because of my anxiety. Thing was I wasn't married.

 

He doesn't mean to be mean in anyway, he's probably just suffering a great deal on the inside. Pain you can't see, and couldn't imagine.

 

In your marriage you took vows, and you are supposed to sacrifice. Your happiness shouldn't even be about you, it should be about your kids. If you loved your husband, you would support him through these hard times, but you quit, and are adulter.

 

Be selfish, hurt your kids, and break your family up. You'll be unhappy if you leave anyways. Deal with the guilt, watching your kids suffer, and this affair may not even last.

 

as one that suffers from anxiety, depression, mania, paranoia i can relate, but i will never judge,

 

Sometimes people just want to be heard?

thoughts to you

[riverratt]

Your situation is not unusual.

 

The affair was not right but I understand why it happened. You should have ended your marriage before you guys started back with each other.

 

The fact it may work between you two is something you need to wait and see on till after your situation is resolved. If it does then great for you guys. Not uncommon for previous partners to get back together and live happily ever after. Depends on why they split up in the first place.

 

I do get why you are not feeling it. Living with a spouse that acts like that isn't something I would deal with. He actions may have nothing to do with you but you still need to get this settled first.

 

I am not going to bash you even though I think the affair isn't the right thing to do because you guys are not split up. I don't think that a divorce should be final because some states that can take a long time. Years in some.

[jf2good]

I would say listen to what pteromom says. I completely understand why your having an affair, so I am not judging. However, having an affair is not the answer even if the other person was abusive. I wish it was the solution as many of us do it (including me), but it doesn't fix anything whether you divorce or try to fix the marriage. So separate the two things.

[ilou]

One thing I decided that I'd do if I were in a relationship is I'd always break it off before doing something with someone else. Always. However, this isn't your case, I think ASAP you should break it off to save him at least some dignity and some for yourself. Any affair, PA or EA. Let him grow if he's able to or allow him to smolder out.

[Soxfaninfl]

It doesn't look good when your the one having an affair. People will paint your spouse as the victim since your the one having an affair. Either end your marriage or end the affair. You can't have both.

[aMguilts]

It doesn't look good when your the one having an affair. People will paint your spouse as the victim since your the one having an affair. Either end your marriage or end the affair. You can't have both.

 

agree. no cake eating .

[aMguilts]

hey Tink23.

 

You do whatever you feel is right to do.

 

Again apologise`s for the replies on here but it`s to be expected i`m afraid.

A lot on here have been on the other end of what you are doing so they will come across as a bit narrow minded or tunnel visioned when it comes to what you are troubled with.

 

Do what you feel is best, but i will agree with them on one thing, end your marriage or save it . It`s not fair on your husband, no matter what he`s been like in the past, he deserves the truth

 

Best wishes

 

aM

[Meatballsmom]

In general I am against cheaters, but if home life is as you describe it, having lived with an mentally and emotionaly abusive husband, my advice is to run while the kids are still small. You have no idea the damage that is being done to them in their most formative years

 

I didn't until they were in their teens and it was too late. My son committed suicide at age 22 and my worthless dope head daughter had the state take away my only grand child.

 

Find a reason, and get out now,

[whichwayisup]

You don't throw away 9 years together and uproot your kids without giving your marriage and your husband a full chance of fixing himself and doing counselling with you and apart.

 

HE NEEDS to be on meds, combo that with counseling to help his depression, bi polar and anxiety. Once he is better, then you two can go to marriage counseling.

 

As for the ex and your affair - End it. Your marriage doesn't have a chance if you continue to have your ex in your life. Deep down you know this.

 

Tell your husband the truth, yes it'll hurt him but he needs to know so HE can decide for himself if he wants to stay married to you or work things out. Hiding it and lying isn't good for anybody.

[aMguilts]

hi Meatballsmom

I too are sorry for your loss

 

I agree with you. From what i`ve studied and read, the way you react to life in later years , can be traced back to the way your life was from the very tender age of 2. It`s believed that the very 1st few years of growing up are the most important and can effect the way you are in later years.

 

sapientia hello,

 

i know you were asking meatballsmum a question and forgive me for throwing an answer in. What i just replied with maybe applies to you too?

From the time they were born till about the age of 4 was it a loving and friendly environment they were in? Or was there friction at all?

 

Tink23 sorry for the TJ, anything to do with understanding my depression ( and helping to overcome it) i have a `thirst` for.

 

aMillion

Edited November 4, 2012 by aMguilts

[aMguilts]

You don't throw away 9 years together and uproot your kids without giving your marriage and your husband a full chance of fixing himself and doing counselling with you and apart.

 

HE NEEDS to be on meds, combo that with counseling to help his depression, bi polar and anxiety. Once he is better, then you two can go to marriage counseling.

 

As for the ex and your affair - End it. Your marriage doesn't have a chance if you continue to have your ex in your life. Deep down you know this.

 

Tell your husband the truth, yes it'll hurt him but he needs to know so HE can decide for himself if he wants to stay married to you or work things out. Hiding it and lying isn't good for anybody.

 

Hi whichwayisup .

 

It`s good advice. One that is not really consistant of what mink asked thou.

 

If HE needs to be on meds than it`s up to HIM to go and get help? She his doctor or his wife?

 

I understand there will be a LOT of animosity when it comes to a situation like what the OP is in. She probably knows already what she is doing is wrong. Its not for you or i to judge thou( not just you(whichwayisup) but everyone on here)

 

And sometimes hiding it is the only way? yes or no?

 

Think outside the spectrum.

 

I`m not arguing and i hope for mink this doesn`t turn into a great debate.

 

aM

Edited November 4, 2012 by aMguilts

[whichwayisup]

I am not judging her, I gave my opinion and thoughts, told her what I think needs to happen.

 

No it isn't up to him to just go on meds and do counseling. When depressed and have mental illness, it's really hard to make decisions to fix oneself, especially if there's any denial. As his wife, she needs to help and support him TO get the help he needs so he can be a happier and healthier person and a good father to their children, and also to be a better husband.

 

She has to end the A with her ex..

[CarrieT]

No, you used to love him, but you don't anymore, and EVERY TIME a women says what you just said, there is ALWAYS another man involved as a man I find it vile, devious and disgusting

It is not EVERY TIME.

 

I left a guy for that very reason and there was no one else waiting in the wings - and I was subsequently alone for several years after.

 

There is not ALWAYS another man involved.

 

Regardless, for the OP, fess up to your husband. It is not going to get easier and he is going to hurt, regardless of the reasons and the affair.

[health]

Tell your husband, then leave him. I feel bad for you. Personally I couldn't function properlly if I did what you're doing. Your Ex sounds like scum as well. The sooner you get out of this mess the better, the more you stay in the worse. Good luck.

Edited November 6, 2012 by health

[fili]

If you and your husand cannot turn this around then divorce is the best thing to do.

 

Then you can be with your EX again without a heavy feeling inside.

[standtall]

Well tink, did you burn your marriage down yet?