Author mid-divorce Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Ok guys, im pretty much back to square one - i dont know what to believe... We had a meal together with the kids last night, she wants us go out as a family sun spend christmas eve n chritsmas morni ng together. She has told me to canx the mdeiation and we will draft something up togther that basicals says ill keep the house for at least 12months in the hope we get back togther n get an indepent solicitor to write it up. She tells me shes unsure about the divorce and hopes that we can sort things next year but she isnt ready yet. She said once her rented place is up in june if we are getting on she will move back and we can all gop on a family holiday in the summer. she says we will start to date next year. Can i beleive a word of this? One difference in all this, i went to hug her when she left and she put her arms round my next n hugged me back - this is a first in 6months Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Do you happen to know if the boy friend is married or attached? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 He cameout of a 10year relationship in march - i think they both went on the rebound - she tells me she doesnt see him at all now and to be fair, she hasnt been sleep out recently Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm assuming he was in her life when she left you, otherwise she would have tried harder to work on her marriage. Also, I can understand you may want her back also in feeling guilt that you may have driven her away - but when one get's completely to the other side it's easier to realize a continued marriage would be very difficult and with the knowledge there could be the bf, or still another coming into her life. Once trust is broken, a life together as man and wife, could be very hard unless complete sorrow/repentance on her part. Imo, many marriages have problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 She denies she has been anything other than a friend with him - and I dont believe they are in contact now. He started to contact her after she made her mind up to leave Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 He cameout of a 10year relationship in march - i think they both went on the rebound - she tells me she doesnt see him at all now and to be fair, she hasnt been sleep out recently hey mid Rebound relationships never work. sooner or later the brown stuff will hit the fan. aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Ok guys, im pretty much back to square one - i dont know what to believe... We had a meal together with the kids last night, she wants us go out as a family sun spend christmas eve n chritsmas morni ng together. She has told me to canx the mdeiation and we will draft something up togther that basicals says ill keep the house for at least 12months in the hope we get back togther n get an indepent solicitor to write it up. She tells me shes unsure about the divorce and hopes that we can sort things next year but she isnt ready yet. She said once her rented place is up in june if we are getting on she will move back and we can all gop on a family holiday in the summer. she says we will start to date next year. Can i beleive a word of this? One difference in all this, i went to hug her when she left and she put her arms round my next n hugged me back - this is a first in 6months Mid you are far from being back to square one. She has hope, she is seeing a future and you are included in it. She wants to spend xmas eve and xmas day together? THERE is your chance . Don`t do anything for her, make it your kids BEST christmas ever, And yours. Be happy, be jolly. Ignore the bad, concentrate on the good. It`s looking good for you buddy. . Don`t rush or push her. Think about yourself. Keep putting you 1st and you`ll be ok. keep posting aM Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Shield your heart. Your wife is up and down like a toilet seat and can change her mind again, given how she feels in that particular moment. Your life for the past xx months has been an emotional roller coaster because she cannot decide what she wants and you keep on allowing it to happen. Aren't you sick of the game? The come here, go away/cat and mouse game? Spend Christmas together, as the AM has suggested and make it special for the kids. DO NOT let yourself get caught up in the emotions of the holidays, and get too attached to her again because she will smack you down soon after. You can take that the bank. After Christmas, look into marriage counseling together and soon you'll know if it's to fix the marriage or learn how to co parent together in separate houses. You can't keep on going like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) ...She tells me shes unsure about the divorce and hopes that we can sort things next year but she isnt ready yet. She said once her rented place is up in june if we are getting on she will move back and we can all gop on a family holiday in the summer. she says we will start to date next year. Can i beleive a word of this? You can believe, or not believe what you want. What she's forcing is limbo, and living in limbo is not living, in my opinion. As I've written before, an unsure/wavering/undecieded woman is a woman that isn't crazy about her options. A woman who holds you at arms length is a woman who is keeping her options open. One, maybe even her favored option is you, but clearly, it isn't her can't-live-without choice. Measure her actions against the belief that love (real love) isn't an emotional feeling, but a decision. A person who craves romantic thrill doesn't have the desire to commit in this way. It's all about them. And that isn't love. It's want/need. Only you can decide how long to wait. One has to wonder her reaction if you agreed to her plan, but included a warning that there are no guarantees as to how you'll feel about dating/reuniting when that time comes. She'll continue to call the shots for both of you if you let her. Tell me: Why is it that you allow her to do this? Ask yourself: Is that love? Ask for nothing you are not willing to give. Accept no less. Do you understand what this means? The person who cares least controls the relationship. Then again, if this 'power structure' exists, then you have a poor relationship. IMO. Edited December 11, 2012 by Steadfast 2 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Mid you are far from being back to square one. She has hope, she is seeing a future and you are included in it. She wants to spend xmas eve and xmas day together? THERE is your chance . What?? Am I missing something here? It looks to me like the woman is cake-eating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 So do i go along with this and give it my best shot? Or treat it that im being played? Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 What?? Am I missing something here? It looks to me like the woman is cake-eating. Maybe she`s eaten too much cake than she`s bitten off? And she realises this and wants to take it day by day? Mid, she wants to spend time with you, ok, like the others said be careful, once bitten twice shy. Keep your guard up. aM Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 So do i go along with this and give it my best shot? Or treat it that im being played? No one but you can make that decision. We (if I may speak for the group here) are reading it, you are living it. Do you really want someone on the internet to decide how to handle your marriage affairs? You asked for advice. You're received a large amount of it. Most of it good, IMO. I guess the best answer to your question is another question: How do you want to live? Is this half-in-half-out lifestyle good enough for you? Do you feel her breadcrumbs are better than a full meal with someone else? See, I don't. Frankly, I don't like her offer. Do you? Go back to the beginning of this thread and read it again. Maybe that'll help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 So do i go along with this and give it my best shot? Or treat it that im being played? How about: To continue to give it your best shot, so you'll have no regrets. But to not take her too seriously, until she acts serious regarding her marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I also dont like her offer - but its all thats on the table, my only other choice is to walk away Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I also dont like her offer - but its all thats on the table, my only other choice is to walk away The beginning times of settlement talks can be the best times to get things resolved. You may want to consider purchasing her interest in the house, rather than leaving things in limbo for a year. Or the year can give you additional time and opportunity to finalize. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 So do i go along with this and give it my best shot? Or treat it that im being played? Hire a PI to follow her, borrow the money if you can't afford it, or ask a very trusted friend/family member. Your wife has some serious issues, if not for the cheating/inappropriate friendship with the OM, she also has control issues and could be bi polar. Her recent history shows she'll do a 180 again.. you go along with her plan, she's going to change her mind. I also dont like her offer - but its all thats on the table, my only other choice is to walk away Can't you say what you feel and tell her to compromise? Mid D, what is it you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 I want my wife back and to want to be with me. It doesn't look possible though Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I want my wife back and to want to be with me. It doesn't look possible though Imo, you can't change people's hearts. Also we have no idea what is going on in her life. Best to protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I want my wife back and to want to be with me. It doesn't look possible though Hey Mid. What do you mean it doesn`t look possible? She wants to spend time with you, she has said that give her time and she will re-think things through? Best thing to do, IMO is forget about her and start working on yourself. I know what you are going through, i`ve been there. I`ve reconcilled so many times it`s unreal. Don`t push for anything . The more you push the more she will pull away. Instead start `pulling` , And by that i mean start agreeing with whatever she wants. Happily. Agree with her on everything. I know this sounds a bit backwards to what you want to do right now. But it`s in YOUR best interest, not hers, yours. Don`t get a PI to follow her for any reason! This is counter-intuitive to what you SHOULD be doing which is working on yourself. It`s christmas soon. Work on yourself. work on making it your kids best christmas ever. And if she wants to join you then it`s to be on your rules not hers. Hold your head high, you`ll get through this with or without her ok? Wish you well aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 So stop pressuring her about the future - just go with it , even if shes stringing me along?? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I also dont like her offer - but its all thats on the table, my only other choice is to walk away Regardless of what kind of negotiation we're talking about it, ALWAYS be willing to walk away from the table. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 i think i have too - she said again tonight wants to sort , yet now i found out she with the bloke again Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 i think i have too - she said again tonight wants to sort , yet now i found out she with the bloke again Just stop...Mid you need to step back and see this situation for what it is. She's not the woman you married right now and hasn't been for a long time. You are hanging onto someone who is playing you (cat and mouse game) as she knows exactly what buttons to press with you. She is manipulating you and every time you keep falling for it. Spend Christmas together because of the kids. Focus on them..Not her! As soon as the holiday season is over, really try to detach yourself from her, get some counseling and figure this out because this is killing you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Cant trust her at all - is this my problem? Link to post Share on other sites
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