Author mid-divorce Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I agree with what you say, but I try to move on completely n start dating or just get on with .myself Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 In my opinion, you are nowhere near an adequately happy mental state to even consider the idea of starting to date again. Don't inflict 'damaged goods' on an unsuspecting woman. That's completely unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I'm. Not ready it would just to get my wife out my system Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 So basically you'd just string another woman along to effect a result for yourself? it wouldn't work. You'd feel like a complete jerk for messing someone about like that. And the reason you'd feel a complete jerk, is because that's precisely what you would be. Focus on moving on for you - but don't use other people into the bargain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 Your right. I think she is out to get someone asap tho Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I agree with what you say, but I try to move on completely n start dating or just get on with .myself Don't date. Right now getting involved with someone else will only make thing worse. Just focus on your children, spend time with good friends and other family members. Have fun and go about your life without relying on her at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Your right. I think she is out to get someone asap tho So you want to stoop to bad behaviour too? Where will that get you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I didn't c it as bad behaviour, in that my wife left n is with another man, I thought it was me getting on with my life Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 "Getting on with your life" at the expense of another unwitting, unaware person, is actually just digging a deeper hole for yourself. Don't involve others in the repair process. you have to ensure you mend your heart yourself, and not use another's heart to do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz1 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Her seeing other men should be a good thing (hurts u I know) but its the only way she is gonna realise grass ain't slways greener, most men don't stick with baggage so they will just walk all over her, then she will realise what a fool she is, what she's after is a rebound relationship, they don't last, so put on a brave face, start looking after yourself, maybe go gym a lot, show her your not bothered, her giving u her number is to see u as her lap dog still, just don't message her only just for your kids, it's been nearly 4 months for me and mines going through rebounds all the time, I only speak to her only for the kids, there's no chance we can get our wives back, but we can get our lives back 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ataloss8270 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) Mid, be patient with her and stop worrying about what she is doing. Just keep standing tall and work on yourself. Stop trying to read into what you think she is doing and thinking, its only hurting you. I'm only saying this because I have this issue myself, but it almost seems like you a bit of a control issue, and you can't seem to understand that it is what it is and just let go. Like my situation my wife keeps telling me that we are done and to stop thinking that there is a chance to work things out but yet she hasn't filed for divorce and keeps running around excuses why she hasn't done it yet, and still wants to spend time with me and the kids on my terms. Personally I don't like NC, and I understand alot of people do. But this is my situation and ill handle it as I see fit. But I finally made the decission that I'm going to stop digging for answers and stop worrying about what she's doing. But still lightly reinforce to her I'm still working on me and willing to work it out, but I'm fine with her decision of what she wants to do, because I am. And it really has done alot for me mentally. If we reconcile then we reconcile if we don't then oh well there's plenty of women out there, from what I'm beginning to see when I go out with my friends. And a few I can tell definitely are interested in me sense they found out I'm somewhat back on the market. And they are women I've know for a while threw mutual friends who never seemed interested until I said that my wife and I are separated. You need to get out of the house and see there is more options out there besides her. I'm not saying get involved with them if your not ready, but at least see they are there and talk to them. But after making that decission things have came around a little for me. Today I stood tall made myself appear to be extremely happy (and actually I was really happy) , when I picked up my kids. I hung out at her house for about 30 min and had a blast with her and my kids. And she keep give me this look of why the hell is he so happy, and seemed to have a slight impact on her. But I'm not going to read into what she is thinking, but I am going to observe the way she is acting. I don't know what she's thinking but that's OK with me. I was talking with my anger management group last night and we were talking about making ourselves safe (safe meaning how we would react to something to avoid an arguement). And the councler asked me about my situation, and he asked me to think about future conversations with my wife regarding us as a couple and what kind of answers I thought she may give me to cause a situation that I would have to make myself safe. I thought about it for a few minutes (kinda awkward because the whole group was quite, staring at me for my answer lol). And I finally came to the conclusion that there is no answer that would cause me to have to keep myself safe. That when I realized I finally hit a point in this that I not only am acting like I don't care about what happens between the two of us, but I am actually beginning to believe it as well. I felt great when I left last night and I believe that is why I was so happy today when I saw her. But I'm only saying this becausd IMO this is the frame of mind that you need to get yourself into mid, it really will make you feel great and mentally happy. I'm not saying give up hope and stop loving her, but just let things go and see what happens. I know its harder for some people to come to this conclusion than others, and I feel I may be at this point so quickly (she only been out of the house sense December 28th) because this is the second time we e separated and also because of these 4 things I've convinced myself of, #1 I understand my wife is going to do whatever she feels is right for her and I can't change her mind, she must do that for herself. #2 because it's what I have to do to be mentally healthy for myself #3 because my wife doesn't want a sad little puppy for a husband #4 because I'm beginning to understand I must create my on path that parallels hers and if she decides to cross over to mine than she will, if not than at least I'm making myself happy on the way (thanks aM, some of the best advice I've gotten off of here) But mid once you begin to understand these things your life will improved and you will stop worrying about what ifs. What ifs are killers of mentally happiness. So just relax and go out and live is all I can say. Just remember this is your situation and you must handle it as you see fit. No one on here knows you or your wife personally and we only can advise you from what information you provide us with. Edited January 11, 2013 by ataloss8270 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Mid, this is an example why NC is bad if you want to save your relationship. It will make the other person so spiteful and give up any hope in their mind that you don't want them IMO. I feel if she is still talking to you then she is in a form chasing you. I also feel if she doesn't want you then she wouldn't be talking to you. You just need to put the relationship BS on the back burner for a while. I know its hard, its hard for me. But its what you need to do to regroup yourself. Just remember to make this situation yours. This is not a bad point. In fact, I think it is a very good point for those with ulterior motives to consider before they really implement the NC in a gamey relationship like this seems it may be. No bones about it, real NC is not intended to re-kindle relationships! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ataloss8270 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 This is not a bad point. In fact, I think it is a very good point for those with ulterior motives to consider before they really implement the NC in a gamey relationship like this seems it may be. No bones about it, real NC is not intended to re-kindle relationships! Thank you yas, I'm glad someone finally agrees with me that NC is not always the best route. My situation is kinda like mid, minus a few bad spots caused by me and I know I have to tell myself to "tread softly grass hooper". I personally don't care if she is seeing someone else. It doesn't effect my ego at all. I know there's other women out there and when I'm ready I'm going to purse them. But to me the happiness of my kids come before all. And what will make them the happiest of all next to me and my wife reconciling, spending time with the both of us as a family with no arguements between her and I about "us". And I'm going to us that to my advantage, to give her a chance to remember all the great times we had as a family and the great times we will create in the near future. And for us to build a better personal relationship than we had before the separation/D (don't know where were at) . But who knows I may end up having a better friend out of her than we were as spouse. And if I begin to get that vibe I know I'm ready to move forward in life. Personally I don't care either way, because to me its a win/win situation for my kids who's happiness is more important to me than anything else in my life. But I also really believe that NC just makes the other person think you don't care about them, if you want them back. If you don't then by all means go NC. But If they are still talking to you, still coming around when you ask them to, still inviting you over to spend time with the kids, then they still want to be involved with you. If they are asking you for money and extreme personal favors than yes they are using you. But if they just want to be around you, than maybe to able to find a way without bluntly saying it of why do you still want me around, I feel should make them think. That's what I've been pondering on is how to say this without making it obvious that I said it, and to say it in a way that she feels that she doesn't have to give a response but just to dwell on it. Its puzzling I know. But even right now as I write this my wife is texting me about things she could very easily talk to me about in the morning, figure that one out. And she just got home from work and the first thing she does is text me lol. It just makes me wonder about where she really is at about us. But like I keep saying don't read into things to deeply because it will only drive you crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 My problem is, as bad as it sounds - is i only want the kids if we are a family - I will do my best for them if we are all together, but if the divorce goes through i have no intention of ever seeing the kids again - we had them to be a family if we arent a family, i dop want to see them she will have to bring up with her bf Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I think she only talks to me for the kids, so ill have them why she goes out Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz1 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I know what u mean mate, mine only text me to do with kids, doesn't do anything together, but we should never take it out on our kids, I'm getting joint custody cause I love my kids and I don't want them growing up with different men coming around em all the time, it's sickening just how they throw the towel in but there loss Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 My problem is, as bad as it sounds - is i only want the kids if we are a family - I will do my best for them if we are all together, but if the divorce goes through i have no intention of ever seeing the kids again - we had them to be a family if we arent a family, i dop want to see them she will have to bring up with her bf That's just WRONG my man! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 My problem is, as bad as it sounds - is i only want the kids if we are a family - I will do my best for them if we are all together, but if the divorce goes through i have no intention of ever seeing the kids again - we had them to be a family if we arent a family, i dop want to see them she will have to bring up with her bf Wow, I had to read this a few times to make sure I wasn't reading this wrong. This is seriously f'd up. You surely don't really mean this, do you? If you do, it is one of the most selfish things I have ever seen anyone post here - maybe the most selfish thing and this forum is full of selfish, self-important, deluded cheaters. You, sir, need to get thyself to counseling asap to see how you could even think this is right. There are men on here who have willingly helped their wives care for children who are not theirs and there are even men who find out a child they raised is not theirs and they still care for and support that child and YOU want to abandon your OWN children if your wife won't go back with you? Sheesh....what a way to look at life! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Wow!! You DO NOT punish your children because of your wife's actions and divorce. My first exH essentially punished his daughter all of her childhood because he was an unfaithful spouse and I wouldn't take him back for his infidelities. She suffered due to that in my opinion and it made me have to both mother and father to her for all her life (no wonder she is screwed up!!) Ugh! That is the worst post I have seen on LS and the most bitter...I would be ashamed!! Sorry...but this is not your children's fault...you would do well to remember that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I want to give my kids the best life and do all i can for them, but that is as a family. Currently why we are sperated I do more nopw with them than i ever have and the have a great time with me, But i sorry I cant see myself turning up at home once she brings another man into thier lifes - i will need to walk away Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I want to give my kids the best life and do all i can for them, but that is as a family. Currently why we are sperated I do more nopw with them than i ever have and the have a great time with me, But i sorry I cant see myself turning up at home once she brings another man into thier lifes - i will need to walk away Mid. I can`t believe you`d just give your kids up if you get divorced:eek:. Gonna ask you something . Are you just using them as `pawns` now that you are separated, to have contact with your wife? Cos from where i`m sitting it looks that way. Hmm so she stayed out all night? Any idea where or you just speculating that it was with another man? so what? I know it`s hard but act aloof. Try and say to yourself "it`s ok, it`s fine, I`m ok about everything". Be the bigger person. I`m also (again) going to disagree with all the others. I think you SHOULD go out on dates with other women. But just go with the view that NOTHING is going to happen . No sex, no flirting, touching. See them as the only thing they can be in your life , a friend. And when your wife hears about these `dates` ( and she will) , It will drive her nuts that you are getting on with your life without her. Which is really what you should of started doing yonks ago. Forget what SHE is doing or not doing!!! Who gives a flying s**t WHAT she is doing? When you going to start thinking of you?? What else matters? aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I've been to the doctors and told him how im feeling about the kids and that I think about the my wife all the time - his is getting me some councilling. I was assuming she stay with him - no proof. I have just spoken to her - she is stil willing spend time together Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I've been to the doctors and told him how im feeling about the kids and that I think about the my wife all the time - his is getting me some councilling. I was assuming she stay with him - no proof. I have just spoken to her - she is stil willing spend time together Mid. STOP!! Stop thinking about HER all the frigging time!! When was the last time you went out with friends and had a good laugh? Please stop hanging onto every single bloody thing she says to you. So she is willing to spend time together? Thats really good! And so you are just going to hang around waiting for her? She knows she can do whatever she wants, and you will put up with it. mid...crumbs again. I know i said i think you got a chance to save this but you need to put at least some effort in. Waiting around all day for her is not the way. Maybe next time she wants to see you say, " naw i`m busy that day, but i`m free on (whatever) day". If she asks what are you doing, just say "i`m busy" Remember the man you were when she 1st fell in love with you? Be that man again , but older and wiser aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz1 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Hey mid, guess what I did today, I signed the divorce papers and handed them to my solicitor, even tho I wanted her back and knowing the reasons r lies, u know why I did this? Cause there's no point in holding onto some1 who doesn't want to be held, it does hurt slightly but I know soon as its complete in 4 months I can finally pick up my life and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I want to give my kids the best life and do all i can for them, but that is as a family. Currently why we are sperated I do more nopw with them than i ever have and the have a great time with me, But i sorry I cant see myself turning up at home once she brings another man into thier lifes - i will need to walk away Why are you intent on punishing your children and depriving them of their own father, simply because of her actions? That's despicable. If I was your child and heard you speaking like this, I would never forgive your callous, heartless and indifferent attitude. I guess it's true what they say; any person can be a parent, but it takes a special quality to be a father.... Shame on you. Shame - on - you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts