Author mid-divorce Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 I understand friend. I do. But you must understand that by taking this position, you're choosing to live in limbo and allowing her to decide for you. She won't respect it. No one respects someone they can control. Without respect, there's no attraction. Without attraction, no love in marriage. This position almost guarantees the end of your relationship. In my opinion. It might end anyway, but no one wins by being passive and bitter. Can you wrap your head around that? It'll be hard to heal of you can't. I understand what you are saying, but me dating someone else surely will end it Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 No one is advising that. You are nowhere near ready for that. End it? Mid...you have to come to grips with the fact that it's already over. One person in a marriage means there is no marriage. Take care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 The major prob i have is I still don't want the marraige to end and thus why i'm so bitter - im not at a point to give up on it. Although, it does appear im being played or wanted as a friend - until she tells me its over 100% i cant move on I wouldn't be that concerned about saving a marriage that appears to be shot, once someone cheats and leaves, and with no sorrow. There could be unknown factors on her side as well - such as the children may not be happy in their new surroundings etc. Rather than worrying about the M, if you do not wish to begin divorce, you can do other things .. such as think of different things to do w the children, home maintenance, expanding on your own life and interests. If you own the home, this may not be the best market to sell, in the situation of splitting assets. Or you may want to think of ways to buy her out and keep it. I'm just trying to say, there are no guarantees of finding 'the one' right away after divorce, so there are many ways of filling in - if you are waiting for her to make a decision. But to not weigh at all heavily on an individual who just emotionally flops around, or is trying to let you down easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hi Mid. I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this heart breaking situation that you did not ask for or want. Like you after all the junk that has happened, I still love my husband with all my heart. And would do anything to restore my 15 year marriage. BUT the harsh reality: There is absolutely noting I can do to bring my lovely husband back, for all practical purposes the STBXH killed my husband....and this jackass is here. May I offer my story, which is identical to yours except we and STBXH have no children. STBXH has lied, deceived, cheated, and abandoned me with out remorse. Like you it is hard and painful to process that in a blink of an eye the world as I knew changed. How did I survive, well I stopped working on the marriage and focused on pulling myself together...aka I left him alone. Overtime (9 months), counseling, prayer, champagne (yummy), friends, family and my sweet dog Cinnabelle revealed the sad truth that my dear husband is gone. This killer, the STBXH has got to go. I hate him, loath his casting me into the pit of BS, and trying to steal my joy and sanity. Now this trash has to deal with me (a faithful wife), I was raised on a farm...and a country girl can survive. His fate is now a swift and cold divorce, which must explain to the world his poor treatment of me, and suffer the consequences of no longer living under the protection and love found in a true marriage. Latest update: He's broke, creditors are all over him, and still telling everyone we are married. The craziest is just last month after his step-Mother died, he allowed us to be published as a loving couple in the local newspaper obituary. All you can do Mid is take care of yourself and in your own time; you will be able to place this truth in it's proper place and determine how to best move forward. Again setting here now I love my husband and miss him dearly, but am divorcing this sorry ass STBXH. Take care of yourself.~Mystery Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz1 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Hi mids, me too is going thru same story, my wife left me 3 months ago (feels like a yr). She left saying no longer in love with me and it broke me in peices, I have 2 young children and been married for nearly 3 yrs, she started going out a lot just b4 we split and I had 100% trust in her, 4 weeks after we split shes seeing another guy, (killed me at 1st then thought grass ain't always greener). Eventually he binned her off but she still filed for divorce, she lies to me, always tells me to collect kids when suites her, and wants a lot of money taken from me stated on divorce papers, all reasons for divorce on papers are lies, after all that's gone on from our split has killed me and I too love her to bits and dream of the day she comes back but in reality it ain't going to happen, if it does u will be thinking would she do it again? And u will be changing u, NOT HER. U or I do not need to change, it is her that changed so what I'm saying is we need to face facts and move on, see your solicitor get in in black and white, get the ball rolling mate and who knows a yr or two from now on we will look back laughing at it with our new happy lives, (with some1 better). Good luck mate Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Ok, guys... the latest... We haven't spent any time together since the firday after christmas. We have spoke a fair abit, again she tells me she is ahppy as she is, but hopes to feel different for me and the kids. She is telling me she wants to go on holiday as a family to see if things change, but so far every holiday i found she wont commit too. On a positive side she is more friendly via txts and has started to put kisses on them ??? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 No, it's Christmas. She's just being the friends she wants to be. You're the father of her kids. Far better to stay on good terms. Now the pressure's off, and she's happy with the way things are, everything's going smoothly. She has found her happy place. You need to stop pining and hoping. It's actually quite common for divorcees to become good friends after the divorce. They're ok together. Just a whole lot better apart. no ties, no commitments, just getting on. Just replying by re-posting this - because this is what it is.... You need to get it through your head. The Marriage Is Over in her Life. She wants to maintain a friendship with you - but you're just not getting it. Are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 One bit on that.. is she tells me she wants to give it time, and i have just rang the courts.. she hasnt returned the affidavit she has had since oct ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 I'm not getting it - why doesnt she say its over??? Why keep saying she wants to feel different, she sees everything would be better now if we got back together. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Because she can't believe you still don't get it. Everything she DOES - tells you it's over - and as many will testify, "Actions speak louder than Words". There is nothing she has done that indicates she STILL wants you to be her husband. Everything she is doing, indicates strongly, that she wants to remain on good terms with you. I suspect in her mind, she also has the welfare and happiness of the children at heart. "If Mom and Dad can get on, even after divorcing, then it's ok... They still get on, they just can't LIVE together." It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 I understand what you are saying. But I've asked her many times over the months to tell me straight and Ill respect her for that and we could possibly be friends, I've also told her the more she messes me and the kids around the more chance we wont ever be able to be friends And the non returning of the paperwork? Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Consult with your lawyer on that particular detail, to check if it is a calculated tactic advised by her lawyer. If it isnt she might be getting second thoughts. Yes, she is maybe happy with the way things are right now, but I guess she knows they wont stay the way they are when you have another woman in your life. Maybe she is thinking of the future of the daughters too, when they have to introduce their darling to the last guy whom got married, to a man whom has been divorced into poverty. She might be getting second thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I see what's happening here. What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head. You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement. The emotional entanglement you and she are extricating yourselves from, is one thing. The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another. Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head. How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce. Do not permit how you FEEL about her, to interfere with what you must Practically do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Maybe you right - I've rang mu solicitor to take advice. I do still love my wife and want to fix things... I will still try to , but at the same time take all the legal advice i can I know you tell me it is over, and i do believe my wife thinks that way currently, but is there any ways to change things? I know begging, presure etc will never work, so anyone got any practical ways to help? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 She's emotionally detached from you and right now doing nothing (not working on marriage, not divorcing) is easiest for her. Sooner or later a decision has to be made. Life cannot go on like it has been. It's not fair to the kids, to you nor to her. Either marriage counseling has to happen to get the ball rolling in some direction or you are going to continue to live life in confusion and not knowing what is going on for many months/possibly years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) I asked her to come to marriage counseling, she said she doent like to talk infront of others I like she just trying keep me sweet whilst the divorce goes through Edited January 7, 2013 by mid-divorce Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I asked her to come to marriage counseling, she said she doent like to talk infront of others I like she just trying keep me sweet whilst the divorce goes through hey mid What divorce??? aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 hey mid What divorce??? aM You still think there could be a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 She's emotionally detached from you and right now doing nothing (not working on marriage, not divorcing) is easiest for her. Sooner or later a decision has to be made. Life cannot go on like it has been. It's not fair to the kids, to you nor to her. Either marriage counseling has to happen to get the ball rolling in some direction or you are going to continue to live life in confusion and not knowing what is going on for many months/possibly years to come. Whichwayisup. With respect, she is not `emotionally detached`. Waiting to see how things go, is not the same as being `emotionally detached` She seems to need time? Rushing and pushing will not solve anything, in fact it will make it worse. I agree thou, yeah it`s not fair. If life was `fair`, we`d all be millionaires, married to the girl/boy of our dreams and everything would be `perfect`? oh come on. lifes not like that!! Mid... one day at a time, STOP reading into what is/isn`t there. She hasn`t said she wanted a divorce??? She hasn`t said she`s had enough and can`t take no more? She HAS said she wants a future with you in it? She HAS said she wants to take it slow? aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 You still think there could be a chance? Mid From what you have said then, yes, i really do believe you have a chance aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 aM, To be fair, she has started the divorce, but hasn't sent the next stag back and is saying will give it time If the divorce was never started we would have been ok, but coz she started it, i kept pushing and doing stupid things Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 just because she doesn`t want to go to marriage counseling, doesn`t mean she isn`t into saving the marriage!!! aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 aM, To be fair, she has started the divorce, but hasn't sent the next stag back and is saying will give it time If the divorce was never started we would have been ok, but coz she started it, i kept pushing and doing stupid things Mid listen!! SO she STARTED it!! SO WHAT?? Is she going THROUGH with it????????? aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 maybe STOP doing stupid things and start doing the right thing?? aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 maybe STOP doing stupid things and start doing the right thing?? aM Exactly - i havent put a foot wrong last month and shes seen the change. Im just down after spending all the time at christmas together she isnt doing anything now, but she tells me she will Divorce - she just says shel give it time Link to post Share on other sites
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