Wife divorcing me

[Shundeez]

Hi MD,

 

I am going through a very similar thing to you, only difference is that my wife is adamant that she wants a divorce and has told me umpteen times.

 

She is in the throws of a fantasy affair with a work colleague and in my mind is not thinking clearly (google wayward fog) so I am still fighting for my marriage, with varying success.

 

Having read your story I can tell you that you W still wants this to work. What I would be able to do if my wife said some of the things yours has. I would use it and get my marriage back on track pronto.

 

Trust me, if you want your wife carry on fighting. Do anything that it takes to get through to her and never give up hope. My situation is much worse than yours and I am still holding on and will not let go until a gun is pointed to my head forcing me to sign the papers.

 

you have much more hope and a greater chance than many in this site, use it wisely.

 

If you are looking for help on how to handle the sitch check out these sites: marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com There are loads of people in our sitch there and getting really good advise on how to save their marriage - check the forums out.

 

good luck

[aMguilts]

Please explain. What i could b gping tbrough

 

is she DIVORCING YOU ?? YES OR NO?????

aM

[aMguilts]

yes or no?

 

what could you be going through? jeeeeez

Edited January 7, 2013 by aMguilts

[ataloss8270]

Mid, I'm sorry to say but there is some bad advice on this site. I stopped listen to what people here are saying about going NC, and my wife has already talked to me a few times (she started the convos. It was light and only about the kids, but it was still about things she really didn't have to discuss with me), made plans for me to come see the kids at her house tomarrow even though she only has them for 3 days till I get them back, agreed to come over Saturday to watch my son play his new game my parents got him for x-mas, and actually went to give me a kiss until she caught herself today after picking up the kids for her weekend. And when I pointed it out jokingly she blushed like a school girl.

 

I have a friend that I was talking to the other day about what's going on. He knows my wife as well. He told me he was talking to her the other day and she told him we were not together but made no mention of divorce. He proceed to tell me about how in the 18 years he's been married, he and his wife have separated 12 times. He then started telling me what he did to get her back. He said that if he went NC he would have lost her forever ever time. Here is his list of what he did.

 

#1 put all jelousy of what she's doing aside

 

#2 become better friends with her than you were before you separated and make sure your fun and funny as hell when your around her

 

#3 make small jesters every 2 or 3 days, something small like send her a text in the morning saying "woke up today, had you on my mind. Just wanted to say goodmorning" or at night ask how her day is going. just so she knows that not only are you thinking about her but actually care, but also because it puts you in her mind as well.

 

#4 lightly push the fact you want to stay together and work out your issues, he told me he tells his wife when she leaves "whenever you get board doing what your doing and want to talk let me know"

 

#5 most of all man up and work on you.

 

I told him about people saying go NC to make you look strong. And you know what he said "there is a fine line between love and weakness, to truly love someone you become weak because you allow yourself to put down all walls to protect yourself from being hurt, but if you both truly love each other to be around one another makes you both stronger than anything in the world ". And I made the comment about " what if there's someone else" because I don't want to bash her if we do work out. And he said his wife left 3 times for someone else because he just neglected her so bad being busy with friends and work. And when she asked him why he didn't care, he actually said "it wasn't new when I got it in the beginning, so why would I care now".

 

I'm going to take it as it is for now. Enjoy that me and my wife are spending time together, because you can't work on things if your not talking. I know I may be hurt at the end of this, but that's OK. Because as of right now, I have my wife talking, joking, and wanting to spend time with me, all because I stopped listening to the BS on here about how to handle my situation. Everyone's situation is different, and must be handled your own way. Think about your wife, what attracted her to you in the beginning and adjust yourself to become that man again. For me it was being a funny, easy going person, that enjoyed the small things in life. And by becoming that person again, my wife wants to talk to me and be around me. I know for me its a long shot, and everyone here keeps say "there's plenty of women out there, and for the time it takes to get this one back you can have 10 more". But I'm sorry my wife is the one for me right now, and if we don't work then oh well. But at least I can say I truly tried. Make what you have going on with your wife yours. Don't allow other people to do the thinking for you. I feel alot of people here hold so much resentment towards their ex, that they see everyone's situation on here as theirs own from the past, and give bad advise. Its almost as if they really don't want to see someone succeed where they failed IMO. I stopped allowing other peoples opinions to get into my head, and look where its got me in 1 week. Remember that this is your situation and handle it as your own, there is always the chance for failure and keep that in your mind while you do what you feel is right. But hold your head up no matter what happens and be proud of who you are at the end of all this. Remember if you let the dog out and it runs away its gone forever, but if it comes back its yours forever.

 

And for those who are following my threads, yes I am still working on me as the #1 priority.

[mid-divorce]

yes or no?

 

what could you be going through? jeeeeez

 

I think i get what you are saying, but the whole problem is i dont know, she has started the divorce but says will give it time yet at sfery stage previous sven she said that she hasnt

[TaraMaiden]

My wife walked out on me 4months ago taking my 3 children. She said at the time it was a break to save our marraige. She since started a divorce and lied about it. I now know she is with another man. She friends n family and all around blame me, as she has told them that i emotionally abused her and force her out the house.

 

I'm struggling to cope and even after all she has done i still love her. She has been very friendly with me since i found out about the divorce even inviting me for tea. At the weekend i told her i dont want be friends at the moment and i blame her for throwing the towel in on our marraige.

 

Anyone any advise?

 

Looking at your first post - I think it's about time YOU filed.

[aMguilts]

I think i get what you are saying, but the whole problem is i dont know, she has started the divorce but says will give it time yet at sfery stage previous sven she said that she hasnt

 

 

no you don`t know. neither does she.

 

I know what you are going through, i really do.

 

3 months ago, my wife wanted to divorce me, she wanted it, filed and everything. She`d had enough. she HATED me. She wouldn`t talk to me.

As far as she was concerned , well i might of been something she trod in.

.

She f**king hated my guts, despised me even.

She slagged me off to anyone and everyone that would listen to her.

She was so angry at me, really.... i cant describe in words the way she felt towards me.

But also, she still loved me. she married me for a reason, and that reason was cos she loved me.

We all get lost along the way. Life is NOT an easy path( and NO, i`m NOT religious)

She still loves you. She has just lost her path, and she is just walking a path on her own for a while.

IF you really want to be with her, you`ll walk your own path that parralels beside hers.

and when she`s ready .she`ll cross over onto your path.

Only when she`s ready thou, the more you try and force her to join you, the bigger the gap between your paths.

 

The more open and loving you make your path, the sooner she will join you.

 

Stop rushing her.

Mid, i`ve said this to you before, for a lot of crititism i got from all the others on here!

 

 

You have a chance to save this. You really have.

Ignore the negativity, start being positive.

for you

 

aM

[ataloss8270]

no you don`t know. neither does she.

 

I know what you are going through, i really do.

 

3 months ago, my wife wanted to divorce me, she wanted it, filed and everything. She`d had enough. she HATED me. She wouldn`t talk to me.

As far as she was concerned , well i might of been something she trod in.

.

She f**king hated my guts, despised me even.

She slagged me off to anyone and everyone that would listen to her.

She was so angry at me, really.... i cant describe in words the way she felt towards me.

But also, she still loved me. she married me for a reason, and that reason was cos she loved me.

We all get lost along the way. Life is NOT an easy path( and NO, i`m NOT religious)

She still loves you. She has just lost her path, and she is just walking a path on her own for a while.

IF you really want to be with her, you`ll walk your own path that parralels beside hers.

and when she`s ready .she`ll cross over onto your path.

Only when she`s ready thou, the more you try and force her to join you, the bigger the gap between your paths.

 

The more open and loving you make your path, the sooner she will join you.

 

Stop rushing her.

Mid, i`ve said this to you before, for a lot of crititism i got from all the others on here!

 

 

You have a chance to save this. You really have.

Ignore the negativity, start being positive.

for you

 

aM

 

Mid listen to aM. He is right about her feelings for you. I don't know if you saw my thread from earlier today, if you missed it read it please.

 

But in one of my threads I made a comment about how great x-mas was for me and my family because I made it that way. And aM said "small happy talk, that's the way to go" . And I really didn't think about what he said at the time. But after she moved out I was rereading my thread and I came across what he said. And I started thinking about it, plus what one of my friends told me about him and his wife. And it started to make sense.

 

I have started to do what aM said and its actually working. My wife is talking to me and wanting to spend time with me. I want to believe she is just testing the waters right now. And that's OK, because hopefully she will dive back in someday when she see that I am keeping up with my commitments and keep working on myself. But as of right now she needs her space to think. And im giving it to her. Please be patient with your wife, don't demand answers. But reassuring her that you love her and want to work things out lightly will keep from pushing her away.

[aMguilts]

mate,

 

all the time you act needy, clingy needish, she wont want you.

All the time you act like a kid, she won`t want you

 

Hanging on to every single crumb she throws you?

again , a no no.

Start being you again, learn to accept the fact that you dont need her, you just want her.

If she is the only reason that you have to live, well buddy, you haven`t lived yet.

Let her go,

then she`ll come back

I`m with you all the way mid. you can do this

hugs

aM

[ataloss8270]

Mid listen to aM. He is right about her feelings for you. I don't know if you saw my thread from earlier today, if you missed it read it please.

 

But in one of my threads I made a comment about how great x-mas was for me and my family because I made it that way. And aM said "small happy talk, that's the way to go" . And I really didn't think about what he said at the time. But after she moved out I was rereading my thread and I came across what he said. And I started thinking about it, plus what one of my friends told me about him and his wife. And it started to make sense.

 

I have started to do what aM said and its actually working. My wife is talking to me and wanting to spend time with me. I want to believe she is just testing the waters right now. And that's OK, because hopefully she will dive back in someday when she see that I am keeping up with my commitments and keep working on myself. But as of right now she needs her space to think. And im giving it to her. Please be patient with your wife, don't demand answers. But reassuring her that you love her and want to work things out lightly will keep from pushing her away.

 

Sorry I meant read my post from earlier if you missed it.

[Shundeez]

mid, you are finally getting some good advise here.

 

Your wife does not truly want a divorce, trust me. She is lost and does not know what to do.

 

I would do anything to be in your situation. Seize the opportunity and fight for your wife, do not give in, do not give up no matter how dark it is.

 

There are always options. It will be tough and how you go about this you will need help, but it is possible.

[ataloss8270]

Mid, how does a small group of rebels (you) take on a large army (your wife)? The rebels start off picking off some of the larger forces weaknesses, one by one. Then the rebels start to infiltrated the larger forces occupied areas while they make themselves stronger, until they feel they are ready to make the main assault. But they keep in mind they may lose the battle.

 

This is how you need to look at your situation. Making small happy talk with your wife and reinforcing that you are still willing to work things out lightly, will make her lower her emotional wall. It may take a while to do this it could take months. Then you start to apologize about your short coming. This means you really need to think about what she has said to you in the past and to really to look at yourself and your short comings. Then when you feel ready you make your final assault. Just keep in mind that you may fail. But if anything at least you really did some soul searching and you next relationship will be great if you don't work out with her. But while your doing this go have fun!

[mid-divorce]

Thanks guys, this is everythig i needed to hear n continue. This is what i want, but all this time Ive been being told shes playing me n that is what has pit me off

[Shundeez]

if she is in the swings of an affair, from my recollection she is, you need to stop this affair immediately. If you want to get back to your wife it must end - period.

 

You will not get through to her while she is in the arms of another man. Never.

 

check this out for guidance Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

 

get all over the site. Its full of people who are willing to help and have helped hundreds return to their Spouse.

 

I am there, good luck.

[ataloss8270]

Mid it will work. I've been talking to wife all night and she's already made a few comments pretty much saying come over and have a "beer" with me. But I've been drinking with a buddy all night and he said with how buzzed I am it could be an all bad situation and just wait to see her tomarrow. Its so hard not to go over there right now, but I know he's right. I don't want to say anything dumb to her. It could put me way back in the progress that Ive made. So I am just BSing her right now and avoiding her attempts to get me over there. Its hard, but I know he's right. He said I need to show her if she's going to leave I need to show her that she can't have me at a drop of a dime. It's hard but I know he's right.

[mid-divorce]

I've decided to think positive and give it my best shot..

 

so ill take all the advice poss to do this

 

I do believe the affair is now over, but i do think she is on the look out for a better man. I dont think she ended the affair for me but that he wasnt good enough for her

 

ANy thoughts on 'the love bank' ???

Edited January 8, 2013 by mid-divorce

[Shundeez]

how can you be sure the A is over? Does she work with him, is she in contact at all with him.

 

What concrete assurances do you have that its over. Just cos she says its over means "I am lying to you again you fool I cant believe you are trusting me".

 

Seriously it is not over, ever, until you expose the whole thing to everyone in your life, her life (employer) and the OM life. Then you will both need to move away from the source of the problem, even if that means to another state or city.

 

An A is a drug and she is the addict. If there is crack lying around and she is hurting, she will pick that pipe up again.

[mid-divorce]

After shye told me he was only just a friend and she wasnt seeing him anymore - she hasnt stayed out over night. He also started posting on his fb how **** his world was and a friend of mine found him on a dating site, she got talking to him and he said he wasnt with anyone

[road]

So what have you done to end the affair?

 

 

This man is still where he is because he will not do the work that has to be done.

 

He can not answer a simple question from 12/17/2012

[mid-divorce]

This man is still where he is because he will not do the work that has to be done.

 

He can not answer a simple question from 12/17/2012

 

I told her I knew about the affair - and showed her evidence of what he was posting abnout her on f/b - shortly after that she said she ended it and hasnt slept out since

[Shundeez]

mid,

 

please please please listen to me. This A is not over, I repeat not over. I went through the exact same thing as you. Was promised it was over, I snooped myself and was adamant it was over. I spoke to friends that knew her well, her sister even the other guy. They all assured me it was finished. I believed them.

 

Until bang, i got more evidence they just went deeper underground. Now recently I just discovered there is a 2nd man in the mix.

 

Never believe what a WS will tell you while they are in the throws of an affair. never. It is all BS. They don't mean to lie, they cant help it, they are addicted to the dopamine and endorphins that the brain produces in an affair. They do not think clearly, they do not act rationally (why do you think all your convincing and pleading has not worked). Again, Google affair addiction or affair PEA. There are countless studies as to what goes through a persons mind in an affair. Brain waves are akin to those of a crack addict.

 

Your wife is an addict at the moment. The sooner you see this the better your chances of saving your marriage. The only way to get her off her fix is to remove it totally from her life. The only way to do that is blow up their little fantasy and make it impossible for them to continue

 

If you want to save your marriage get your arse over to the site I recommended and listen to the people there. They have all been through what we are going through and still have their spouses in their lives to tell the tale. I am there now, as I write and have just received some excellent advise on blowing the A out the water. I am doing it this week. It is my only hope as I have been back and forth for 6 months now.

 

I have been trying the same thing and it hasn't worked. What have you tried that is totally different - nothing as you would be in a better place than you are now. I have to try something different, else my marriage is dead. And yours will be too if you think this affair is finished.

[TaraMaiden]

I personally believe that if YOU file for Divorce - it will help to bring out her true colours.

With her back against the wall, she will have no choice but to be put on the spot.

 

Remember, always, Remember that Actions speak louder than Words.

When she sees you are actually doing something - it may well be the catalyst required to spur her into action and make her reconcile.

 

Be mindful however, that your marriage can never, and will never, be as it was.

it won't be a case of 'picking up where you left off'. This Hiatus Has Happened. There has been a disruption and a disconnect - so you will have to create a new relationship, in a way, to climb and build on....

[mid-divorce]

Im starting to doubt her totally again. Shes happy being single having flings and wasnt happy at home, so why will it ever change?

 

She finds it easy to lie to me all the time, tells me what i want to hear, but shows no action to back it up

Edited January 8, 2013 by mid-divorce

[Shundeez]

You cannot do this on your own.You have tried and it has not worked. Time to get help mate.

 

Follow each step on the marriage builders website. read it cover to cover. Listen to the people on there and they will guide you every step of the way.

 

good luck

[mid-divorce]

You cannot do this on your own.You have tried and it has not worked. Time to get help mate.

 

Follow each step on the marriage builders website. read it cover to cover. Listen to the people on there and they will guide you every step of the way.

 

good luck

 

Thanks m8