Author mid-divorce Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 Still no contact Link to post Share on other sites
bpdr Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Still no contact NC all the way. Let her have her fill - and you move on and take care of yourself. Do things YOU like to do and make you happy. You deserve that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 25, 2012 Author Share Posted November 25, 2012 I am doing - this no contact is killing me tho - i just want to speak to her Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 I am doing - this no contact is killing me tho - i just want to speak to her talk to her then!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 we spoke earlier - she blames me for everything, she is going ahead with the divorce - which i think she was from day one Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 we spoke earlier - she blames me for everything, she is going ahead with the divorce - which i think she was from day one If it's any consolation, what you're going through now is the hardest part. It's part loneliness, separation anxiety, and affection withdrawal all covered with an even layer of grief. The pain is normal. It proves you love her. No shame in that. No shame in not figuring out how to save it either. It takes two. You know this, but keep reminding yourself of it. Leave her be. Work on functioning. Eat and sleep. First you learn to walk on the rocks, then you'll start to run across them. Someday soon, you'll be free of them altogether. Keep posting and breathe. One day at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 we spoke earlier - she blames me for everything, she is going ahead with the divorce - which i think she was from day one You cannot reason with someone who is crazy and your wife is acting quite nutty. Stop hoping and expecting things to change, stop allowing her power over you. Her craziness IS affecting you - Her NC then she's contacting, saying divorce, then no divorce and being nice, then saying divorce again and being cruel and blaming you. Enough already. Make your own decision here - Get fed up and make yourself stop caring or even listening to her. Talk to a lawyer and build up your boundries so she can't affect you this way so much anymore. Her moods have nothing to do with you. She needs to be on meds and talk to a counselor so if you want to help her at all, suggest that to one of her friends or family, that she gets the help she so desparately needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 I still love her. We spoke again last night and this morning, she now says she wants the divorce 100%, but hopes after we can be friend and maybe in a year or so start a fresh - i know this is all bullsh*t, but i cant let go of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 There's nothing you can do about loving her. The heart loves who it loves. There's a lot you can do about your current situation though. One would to be stop talking to her. She's tossing breadcrumbs and you're gobbling them up before they hit the dirt. You're helping no one. Not you, not her, no one. The 'being friends' part helps to ease her guilt. Truth is, she wants to be free and doesn't want to face anything that'll being her down. Having you in the corner, waiting, feeds her motivation. By waiting like a puppy, you're making everything worse. You're keeping the pain alive. Boosting her resolve. You don't have to be nasty about it, just let her go. If she insists on speaking with you, tell her you're busy and can't talk. Move on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 I know - i find it hard too do tho Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I still love her. We spoke again last night and this morning, she now says she wants the divorce 100%, but hopes after we can be friend and maybe in a year or so start a fresh - i know this is all bullsh*t, but i cant let go of hope. Hey mid Steadfast is right. And i`m sorry to say but you really need to see what`s in bold. There`s no way on earth that you can be friends with her either, It won`t work. You will always be wanting more than that.( hence the fact that you won`t let go of HOPE). Please start seeing her in a different light. She is no longer the woman you married. Treat her accordingly. aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I know - i find it hard too do tho Yes it is hard. i understand what you are feeling . It`s hard...not impossible . aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Am i still being played... She txtd me out the blue last night, saying that she isnt ruling out us getting back together in the future but only after the divorce because she feels i take fher for granted whilst we are married. Saw her this morning, she said the same and that we could start to date after it all over and even have a family holiday next summer ???? She also ended the txt - she want her family together Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Am i still being played... She txtd me out the blue last night, saying that she isnt ruling out us getting back together in the future but only after the divorce because she feels i take fher for granted whilst we are married. Saw her this morning, she said the same and that we could start to date after it all over and even have a family holiday next summer ???? She also ended the txt - she want her family together Mid She wants a divorce 100% it`s christmas coming up. No`one `texts out the blue` She`s checking up on you. ignore it aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) yes, she is still playing you, and you are lapping it up What sane person says they want a divorce and then says in the next breath yeah i want to see you again and make it work, let`s get divorced 1st thou? She is testing you. Something is on her mind. What is it Mid? aM Edited November 29, 2012 by aMguilts Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 saying that she isnt ruling out us getting back together in the future but only after the divorce because she feels i take fher for granted whilst we are married. Flag. big flag. feckin huge flag. What makes her think you`d be ANY different AFTER the divorce??? aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 We have mediation coming up - you think its about getting me onside for that? Link to post Share on other sites
Cb3657 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Sounds to me like she is putting you in as the backup plan. If things don't work out on the dating scene, you are the alternate. If you think about how that would work in a marriage or even dating you will realize it is over. If you have ever had a person who liked you well enough that, if your plans didn't work out you could call them, think of how you felt about that person. That is how she feels about you, no respect for you, your a comfortable ego boost. I sincerely hope thing work out for you, I just don't think it will be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 Ur right - i need get past her Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Dude you need to get a grip on YOU. Stop talking to her except for kids, financial or legal matters. These discussion need to be all business. You need to do this to get control of your emotions. This emotional roller coaster is going to do nothing but continue to kill you. SHE needs to understand their are consequences to her actions. She wants out? Fine, but don't come running to me when you have problems. If she divorces, there will be no more friends, get together's, she is out of your life. The way you are going right now, she has all the power and is steadily jerking your chain. Besides all the talk of getting together after the divorce is just BS on her part anyway. Quit drinking the kool-aid, its poison. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) It's always hard to say why walk-aways do what they do. One thing is for sure...it's for selfish reasons. One thing that helped me when the pain was new and fresh was to visualize the way I wanted life to be. Like you, I loved my ex...even though she was terribly cruel. I knew she wasn't good for me, so, I began to work on me. I wanted, at first, to just be me again. The dad and person I was to my family and friends. That was job one. Refocus on work. Refocus again. Eat healthier, try to get quality rest and treat my body well. I figured if I felt better physically, I'd feel better mentally. It worked too. It helped. When the pain and "why me?" pity-parties started up again, I'd breathe deeply and pray. I grew to stop asking God for a way to fix the problem and started seeking wisdom to help...any way I could. Helping my kids, laughing. I wanted to enjoy my passions again. It was HARD. But I had to try. I wanted to be happy. I grew tired of my insides burning with grief. One day I realized if the pain wouldn't leave me, I'd leave the pain so I let her go. Just...did it. I stopped the random texting. I stopped answering hers and ignored her calls (even though they were far and few between). When she stopped by to see the kids, I wouldn't approach her or rush out to see her. I smiled politely, responded sincerely to her hello and left her alone. The healing began to rush in. I slowly turned back into 'me' again. I didn't play games. No games. I was a man of few words. In time, I felt like a man again. Even though other men were sexing my wife. My God, what a horrible existence! I don't wish that evil crap on anyone. Then I divorced her. It was another hurdle but I cleared it. And guess what? It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It may sound simplistic, but I no longer was the husband of a cheating wife...because I had no wife! Divorce is hard, yes, but that's the beauty part of it. That's why divorce exists. She stopped by that night, she couldn't resist the drama. I told her to go away, to go home. I wasn't interested in playing her game. Her attitude changed after that. I laughed at her games. Walked away. Freedom!! That was over four years ago. The time rushes by. The key for me was wanting to be happy and accepting her decision. When in doubt if I was doing the right thing, I told myself if she loved me, she'd be here. Why? Because true love grows during hard times...it doesn't fade. My love for her didn't fade, it starved to death. See, she didn't come crawling back...the 180 didn't work that way for me. She wanted other guys and to the best of my knowledge, she still does. And while there have been 'flickers' of her from time to time, she was just testing to see if I was still available to her. Get right for you. It's a great big world with lots to do. Get on your feet. Edited December 4, 2012 by Steadfast 4 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Am i still being played... She txtd me out the blue last night, saying that she isnt ruling out us getting back together in the future but only after the divorce because she feels i take fher for granted whilst we are married. Saw her this morning, she said the same and that we could start to date after it all over and even have a family holiday next summer ???? She also ended the txt - she want her family together Appeal to the emotion is very evident on your thread....well, aM's style typically leads a lot into it. The gist is, tell your wife what you will and will not settle for. It's not Her decision, it is yours and you are allowed to have healthy boundaries. It's called free will. Nobody ever knows when over is really over until one of you closes the door. That is free will. The life you choose to live isn't in stone here on LS, it's within you. Be happy with your choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bpdr Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I didn't play games. No games. I was a man of few words. In time, I felt like a man again. Even though other men were sexing my wife. My God, what a horrible existence! I don't wish that evil crap on anyone. Then I divorced her. It was another hurdle but I cleared it. And guess what? It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It may sound simplistic, but I no longer was the husband of a cheating wife...because I had no wife! Divorce is hard, yes, but that's the beauty part of it. That's why divorce exists. She stopped by that night, she couldn't resist the drama. I told her to go away, to go home. I wasn't interested in playing her game. Her attitude changed after that. I laughed at her games. Walked away. Freedom!! That was over four years ago. The time rushes by. The key for me was wanting to be happy and accepting her decision. When in doubt if I was doing the right thing, I told myself if she loved me, she'd be here. Why? Because true love grows during hard times...it doesn't fade. My love for her didn't fade, it starved to death. See, she didn't come crawling back...the 180 didn't work that way for me. She wanted other guys and to the best of my knowledge, she still does. And while there have been 'flickers' of her from time to time, she was just testing to see if I was still available to her. Get right for you. It's a great big world with lots to do. Get on your feet. BRAVO! Steadfast! BRAVO! There is much value in these words to heed one's soul bearing. Thank you for such insightful and meaningful words of wisdom... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I concur. What a terrific post, Steadfast, and one with which I totally relate. He's right. One has to let go in order to rediscover Life again, otherwise it's just a continual downward spiral -- and she's certainly not going to save you from it. So better to come to grips with it sooner than later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 i concur too Letting go is the very best thing you can do. Holding on will get you no where. If she wanted you, she`d be with you now. I know the pain you are going through. Everyone on here has been/going through it. Letting go frees youself to move on in the best way possible. Scrap that. The ONLY way. Mid you can do it. All of us on here have, so can you. Keep posting, lift your head high and be proud of who you are:) aM 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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