Steadfast Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Cant trust her at all - is this my problem? No, that's your reality. I want my wife back and to want to be with me. This ^ is your problem. Not the wanting her part, the her wanting you part. She doesn't. At least, not the way a wife should. The other man isn't the problem, there's always willing men for a stray. The problem is her...how she is, why she's doing what she's doing and keeping you involved just enough so she doesn't lose what she wants (or might want) later. By hanging on, you are losing any hope of reconciling. No respect = no desire. Then again, if you were thinking straight, you might realize that you don't want this in your life. It isn't a contest to win. She's playing the game against you. She's using you. You're allowing it. That's the problem. I know it isn't easy. Not one said it would be. If you want to be miserable, if a sliver of her is better than nothing, then you'll continue. I don't think you want that. I don't think you want to be her (or anyone's) second choice. I think you desire to be happy. She is choosing. She wants to be free to pursue someone else and keep you handy as a safety net. Deep breath! Man up! Dismiss that idea and aim for a better plan. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Cant trust her at all - is this my problem? No. Once your best friend turns on you - who can trust?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 exactly how i feel Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf9 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Mid, I've read all 12 pages of this thread and feel for you, but I think you are missing the most important advice you have been given. Concentrate on YOU!!!! This means stop asking yourself the whys of what she is doing. Why does she jerk you around, why does she change her story two times a day, why does she want a divorce, why is she dating other people, why does she want to spend time with you, etc. Don't even think about that - think about what you want. If you want to spend time with your family on Christmas, then do that and concentrate on your little ones and you - she can be there but don't give any thought to her happiness. Maybe it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that you have always wanted to do and just haven't had the opportunity because of family commitments. Also, try going to counseling on your own. You can involve her later down the road if you need to, but for now do this for yourself. IMO the best advice you will get is to concentrate on you (and of course the kids) and to let the chips fall where they may. Do what you know is right and don't think about the end results right now. I know that this is just reiterating what you have already been told, but I think you really need to think about what this advice means in your day-to-day life and find a way to get there. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 Your absolutely right - my problem is ALL i want is her and my family back 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Your absolutely right - my problem is ALL i want is her and my family back Mid There lies your problem. You are doing NOTHING. You want this , you want that . What are you doing?? Waiting and hoping. and waiting and waiting a bit more. You really need to stop thinking about anything else but you. You are the one that is in pain? There is a way out let go aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) be the man you were when you 1st met her Be BIGGER than the man when you 1st met her Give her something to want. she wont you... the way you are. Would you want you? look in the mirror. ask yourself that same question I`m being harsh i know, but at the same time i`m being easy on you. aM Edited December 16, 2012 by aMguilts Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Let me take you back to this: My wife walked out on me 4 months ago taking my 3 children. She said at the time it was a break to save our marriage. She since started a divorce and lied about it. I now know she is with another man. Her friends and family and all around blame me, as she has told them that I emotionally abused her and forced her out the house. I'm struggling to cope and even after all she has done I still love her. She has been very friendly with me since I found out about the divorce even inviting me for tea. At the weekend I told her I don't want be friends at the moment and I blame her for throwing the towel in on our marriage. Let me lay it out to you. -She's with another man -She rounded the troops against you -She's with another man -She took the kids (you have rights) -She's with another man -She's rewrote history -She lied; she didn't leave to 'fix' anything. She left because she's.... ...with another man. What do you expect? For her to take all the blame? She's not going to do that. Because she's done, and is doing wrong things she will shift it to you. Saying you forced her into this. It's common. It's wrong. You know it. Does that mean you have to eat it? Will you lay there and take the beating? What now? Demand your rights. Four-months later it is time to get off the couch, take a breath, and get your life back on track. You love her? She knows. You want her back? That's a decision that's partly hers, and partly yours. You can't wish, hope or force her end. You DO however, have a right to your children. Time to see an attorney. If you can draw up a settlement that has a visitation schedule you can agree on, do this. Kids need their dads. Be there for them. Life is full of hardships. Many men before you have faced this and come out on top. Happy and healthy. Self pity will destroy you. You're alive. You have a purpose. Face this struggle head on and stop wallowing. Don't let her reasoning get into your head. own what you've done wrong and build on what you haven't. Come on friend...get a grip. Get up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 I have access to my kids in writting. I feel secure know ill always see them, but i still want us all back together Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I have access to my kids in writting. I feel secure know ill always see them, but i still want us all back together mid hi I`m so arrrrgh at you!!! i cant even reply to you, for once i am just , i dont even know that!! omg mid. get a grip ok???? So thats what you WANT? why? why do you want something you cant have and why keep chasing after it??? aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 I thought my plan for now was to enjoy christmas with the kids Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I have access to my kids in writting. I feel secure know ill always see them, but i still want us all back together Focus on your kid for now. If your wife comes back to you, it'll be when she's ready to. But you must back off of her completely. Let her get used to life without you in it. Only speak to her when it has to do with the kids. Anything else short of that you do not engage in ANY conversation. work on you... Meaning, grieve the loss, go on with your life - Unless D papers are officially ready to sign, there's always a small chance she'll come back. BUT, do NOT forget her freaky bi polar behaviour, the cat/mouse game, or the fact she has another man she can run to whenever she needs to. Right now you cannot compete with that. The woman you met, fell in love with and married is NOT the woman you see before your eyes right now and she hasn't been for a long while. Stop hoping and wishing..That isn't helping you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 You are all right - its about me and the kids now. At least they will see they have a loving dad who wanted the best for them 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 You are all right - its about me and the kids now. At least they will see they have a loving dad who wanted the best for them It will get better. I remember the spiritual separation between my H and myself as the loneliest/emptiest time of my life. This shall pass. Embrace those who are left - and for fulfillment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Your absolutely right - my problem is ALL i want is her and my family back So what have you done to end the affair? I hope you never left the marital home. Can you afford a lawyer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 She tells me it was never more than friendship ???? I have a solicitor Im still in the house - she walked out on me Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 So what have you done to end the affair? I hope you never left the marital home. Can you afford a lawyer? AM I missing something here? I thought his wife was having an affair, not him. She tells me it was never more than friendship ???? I have a solicitor Im still in the house - she walked out on me It was more than just friends, you know that. Cheaters lie and minimize. I bet if you spoke to the OM, he'd tell you what was going on. Yes, focus on your kids and only the kids. Forget your (ex) wife, she isn't the calling the shots anymore, you are! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I've never cheated on my wife Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 You'll feel better when the divorce is final. Trust me. The best possible thing to happen is for her to know it is completely on her. Lies, even the best ones, eventually get exposed. Those that don't lose their zing. It's true. Get through the holidays, give thanks for your health, understand that it's a big, bold world out there and most everyone goes through something at one point or another. Most of all, leave her alone. No talking, except where the kids are concerned. Don't let her trick you, or play guilt games. You have shown her how you feel. Let reality sink in. Deal with a clear head. Day by day for you now. Envision happiness with nothing more that your input. Don't count on anyone else for it. Work to that goal. Day by day!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 Feeling alot better at the moment - just going give the kids the best christmas i can and then c what happens. I'm not going to predict the future one way or the other and tbh me keeppthinking about it isnt getting me anywhere. I'm not rulling out either poss, that she comes back or we go our sep ways, just get through each day and let it take care of itself. My eagerness to sort all this has pushed her further way and also stopped me from moving on, so one day at a time and what will be will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 Am i going mad here... woke up now and think this is defo all over and im being played Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Your wife left and is with another man. The relationship that you had has died, much like the death of a person. You need to see it that way to move forward in life. What you are now experiencing are stages of grief of that relationship. Everything that you are experiencing are normal to the grieving process. You have already experienced the initial shock and disbelief and moved into denial. You can vacillate between anger, bargaining, guilt and depression all you want, but to no avail. Eventually you get to acceptance and hope to move on with your life. I would suggest that you minimize the former stages and concentrate on actions that help you get to the later. Firstly, over the holidays do as many things with your children as you can to make the holiday special for them. Secondly, look to do healthy things, exercise and diet. Exercise helps to relieve stress, and gets you in shape for future relationships. Look to change your diet, not starvation, just healthier. Learning how to cook healthier can be good for you and future relationships (women love it when men cook). Thirdly, you need to concentrate on hobbies, if you don’t have any get one. This gives you something in common with others and makes you a more interesting individual. Volunteer work is another good avenue for the new you. This can be anything from a homeless shelter to animal shelter, really anything that is near to your heart. Taking the focus off of your loss and helping others is a win-win situation. I wish you the best moving forward, with the new you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 Thoughts on this please.. been to see a relationship counsler on my own to try and get a grip of the situation, but she basically telling me the opposite of what most on her and all my friends say... She says: I need to look at the bigger picture and my wife only been gone 5 months, that time is nothing in the whole scheme. I should wait for her n not pressure her, wife telling me that she hopes to want me in the future is positive and that she wants to spend time with me and the kids is great progress from when she left. ???????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Well, 3 possibilities : 1 - the therapist wants your cash 2 - the therapist believes in sacrificing the individual for the betterment of the marriage; in my book a bad thing because it can mess up the kids 3 - she is genderbias Pick your poison. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mid-divorce Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 so to be frank... aload of s**t Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts