Wife divorcing me

[aMguilts]

Thoughts on this please.. been to see a relationship counsler on my own to try and get a grip of the situation, but she basically telling me the opposite of what most on her and all my friends say...

 

She says: I need to look at the bigger picture and my wife only been gone 5 months, that time is nothing in the whole scheme. I should wait for her n not pressure her, wife telling me that she hopes to want me in the future is positive and that she wants to spend time with me and the kids is great progress from when she left.

 

????????????????

 

Hey mid!

 

I agree with her. She`s right IMO. It is good progress.

Your wife is not saying to you, " I am 100% certain that i want a divorce" is she? No

 

Think it was either you or another poster, to which i said to just agree with everything she said and wanted?

And it was me that said to you that there was hope in what she said to you about spending time with you at christmas ( for which i remember getting a few remarks about how wrong i was!! )

 

Mid, relax a bit. Maybe stop trying to find ways in which you can save your marriage. Which is like trying to swim against the tide, the more you want it the harder it gets.

She wants to spend time with you still? If so, just go and have fun, don`t pressure her. keep the talk short and happy. Above all just relax.

 

Hope you have a great christmas:cool:

 

aM

[mid-divorce]

Update... please let me know your thoughts as I'm up and down with this..

 

We had a meal christmas eve at mine witht he kids, we then went back her and setup for christmas, we started to drink together and although i said several times i better go as need be up early and drive, she asked me to stay over and we sat up till 3am drinking and got on great, I spent the night on the counch but she kissed me before going to bed.

In the morning, we played witht he kids together and again got on great, her kissing me good bye.

I picked the kids up mid day and return them to her at her parents later - her mum invited me in and offered me a drink - this was a first.

Later after Id gone home, she rang me and asked to come over for a drink with me. Then later she asked me up to hers, again in rush for me to leave, but I did late on not to over do things - again kissed me good bye. She txted later to say shed had a good time with me and we got on better than any time in the last 12months.

Friday she came to mine after the kids had gone to bed, again we sat up till gone 3 drinking and got on great, i ordered her a taxi and again kissed me good bye and txtd when home to say had a great night.

BUT.. I saw her yesterday and asked if she wanted to come next weekend, she said shel have see shes busy? I asked what she wanted with us going forwrd.. she said shes happy as she is and she doesnt want to be with me, but will continue to spend time with me in the hope something changes as she knows it would be best for the kids. She also agreed that we would have a holiday togther at some point.

 

In all this the kids had a great time

 

So guys - Is she undecided? Is she playing me? Keeping me sweet? Genuine about wanting things to chnages? IF she is playing me why confuse the kids?

Any views would be a great help

[TaraMaiden]

No, it's Christmas. She's just being the friends she wants to be.

You're the father of her kids.

 

Far better to stay on good terms.

 

Now the pressure's off, and she's happy with the way things are, everything's going smoothly.

 

She has found her happy place.

 

You need to stop pining and hoping.

It's actually quite common for divorcees to become good friends after the divorce.

They're ok together.

 

Just a whole lot better apart.

no ties, no commitments, just getting on.

[mid-divorce]

So you think its a lie about trying to get back together? Its just to keep me sweet?

 

I have no intention of us being friends if we arent together - if the divorce goes through, i never want to see her again

[UpwardForward]

So you think its a lie about trying to get back together? Its just to keep me sweet?

 

I have no intention of us being friends if we arent together - if the divorce goes through, i never want to see her again

 

Imo, this is very common, and may or may not continue - even if you find another.

[mid-divorce]

So I understand this - you are saying she has no intention of trying to make this work?

 

I've been trying my best to make this marriage work..

 

I dont pressure her about anything, I agree with everything she says and i act happy around her

Edited December 31, 2012 by mid-divorce

[Gunny376]

So I understand this - you are saying she has no intention of trying to make this work?

 

I've been trying my best to make this marriage work..

 

I dont pressure her about anything, I agree with everything she says and i act happy around her

 

Time to climb down off of the "Lovers Cross"

[mid-divorce]

Time to climb down off of the "Lovers Cross"

 

Give up on it?

[whichwayisup]

Notice how she's calling all the shots? She makes arrangements, wants you to come to her, invites you etc..yet the minute YOU want to see her and make arrangements, she's "busy"?

 

She likes how things are. She can do as she pleases, and you let her. She snaps her fingers and you will be there. The power and ego feed that gives her, doesn't that just piss you off? It does me. The cat and mouse game continues and it'll only end when YOU stop playing.

[whichwayisup]

So you think its a lie about trying to get back together? Its just to keep me sweet?

 

I have no intention of us being friends if we arent together - if the divorce goes through, i never want to see her again

 

See, she wants the benefit of being friends with you but doesn't want to commit to fixing the marriage and being your wife. Sorry mid, but it is that simple. She wants to be free and have you in her life when she needs you. And she WILL NOT be there for you. Again, you asked to get together with her next week and she said she may be too busy.

[TaraMaiden]

So you think its a lie about trying to get back together? Its just to keep me sweet?

 

I have no intention of us being friends if we arent together - if the divorce goes through, i never want to see her again

 

That's not going to happen.

You're going to HAVE to see her - and what's more, you're going to have to agree, cooperate and work closely together, on good terms and as amicably as possible.

 

Why?

 

Because you have kids together, that's why.

 

And the most vital thing you need to do, when you're raising children, is to see eye to eye, and be on the same page.

 

So much as it may hurt to face it - you have to get real.

 

You two have the potential to be good friends.

You have the potential to continue being good, responsible UNITED parents, with the care, well-being and contentment of your children, as a common goal.

 

If you throw a strop and get on your high horse, you do your children a disservice, and deny them their birth-right.

 

But this is not a signal to 'put on a front' and pretend to be this way "for the sake of the kids" because you won't be able to keep it up.

 

You have to face the fact that this marriage is over, but being a parent never ends....

 

If you want to harbour resentment and cussedness, it will backfire on you.

 

Be the man your children will respect.

You ex-wife will respect that too.

 

But "I never want to see her again"....?

 

Excuse me, but you come over as melodramatic. And that's just dumb.

[Gunny376]

That's not going to happen.

You're going to HAVE to see her - and what's more, you're going to have to agree, cooperate and work closely together, on good terms and as amicably as possible.

 

Why?

 

Because you have kids together, that's why.

 

And the most vital thing you need to do, when you're raising children, is to see eye to eye, and be on the same page.

 

So much as it may hurt to face it - you have to get real.

 

You two have the potential to be good friends.

You have the potential to continue being good, responsible UNITED parents, with the care, well-being and contentment of your children, as a common goal.

 

If you throw a strop and get on your high horse, you do your children a disservice, and deny them their birth-right.

 

But this is not a signal to 'put on a front' and pretend to be this way "for the sake of the kids" because you won't be able to keep it up.

 

You have to face the fact that this marriage is over, but being a parent never ends....

 

If you want to harbour resentment and cussedness, it will backfire on you.

 

Be the man your children will respect.

You ex-wife will respect that too.

 

But "I never want to see her again"....?

 

Excuse me, but you come over as melodramatic. And that's just dumb.

 

So true and the absolute un-varnished truth that it needs to be said over and over and over again.

 

Stand up and testify Tara, stand up and testify to the pure, absolute, and undiluted truth! Be a witness to it one and all! Believe it, and it as though it were the Gospell itself coming down off of the mountain, study it and know it as though tomorrow were "Judgement Day!"

[TaraMaiden]

Why thank you Gunny. From a long-term and deeply respected member as you are, I take that as a great compliment.

[Gunny376]

Thank you Tara! The feelings and respect for your input is both valued and mutual! Not to jump the OP's origninal thread, back on topic.

 

What is at issue here is the sole well being, happiness and contentment as well as the short, mid, and long term development of the chldren. The impact of divorce on children can be long and devastating ~ even life crippling.

 

In the 1970's a study was begun in CA about the effects of divorce on children. It was suppose to be a one to two year study, thinking that the effects of divorce on children ~ much to the primary members ~ the spouses were short lived, and had a half life of about six months at best.

 

As they got into it? They found that the effects of divorce were greater and longer, so they went back for additonal funding ~ the more they got into it, the more they had to go back and seek additional funding for the study.

 

What they found was that the effects of divorce on children carry over and last into not only adulthood, but into their twenties, thirties, and even forties.

 

The results of the study were published in "Second Chances" and was followed up with "Growing Up Divorce" (Per LS policy I want link to a commercial site ~ but anyone can Goggle it and find the titles to the books ~ if you have problems PM me and I will look it up and send you the ISBN number ~ the number by which you order books)

 

To that end I will link you to Dr. Phil's site about co-parenting and such.

 

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies

[UpwardForward]

While the two of you are patting each other on the back, I'd like to say the OP seems to have treated others on LS w respect.

 

So I'm thinking he would most likely treat an xW with decency and also for the sake of the children.

[TaraMaiden]

You mean "I never want to see her again" is a decent thing to say...?

[Steadfast]

Something's not right here, IMO. I don't see the logic in these recent posts.

 

While I agree it's emotions talking when a betrayed spouse (with kids) says they 'never want to seem them again', being 'friends' with a cheating ex just doesn't work. Not applying my definition of friendship anyway. Friends don't stab each other in the back. Friends don't control the friendship.

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow...remaining respectful and available to a betrayer because you have kids, but for the good of the kids, you must. In my opinion, eating and hanging out with a openly cheating spouse is validating their actions. No thanks. That's rewarding bad behavior. Isn't it better to take a stand against that behavior? To not be so sickeningly PC?

 

Everyone reading these posts knows the OP spent time with his cheating wife in hopes of a reconciliation. The playing field isn't level. He wants them together in marriage, she wants to be friends. That relieves her guilt, at his expense, under the guise of friendship. Pardon me...that's horrible!

 

That said, I'm friends with my first wife, 25-years post divorce. But only after she came to me and expressed her remorse. In her words, she stated that for many years her focus was on the pain she caused me. Her anger came when that pain left me (after I moved on) yet it remained with her. Her sincere apology came when she embraced the fact that I begged her not to do what she was doing. Not for me, but for her. She got it.

 

OP, take this one day at a time. Do what must be done for the children but set boundaries that illustrate and stand for your opinions and wishes.

[Gunny376]

"You've got to be a hero to yourself, your wife and your children ~ before you can be a hero to anyone else"

 

The movie Courageous

 

"I don't need possible! I just need "do-able!"

[Steadfast]

...And the most vital thing you need to do, when you're raising children, is to see eye to eye, and be on the same page.

 

So much as it may hurt to face it - you have to get real.

 

You two have the potential to be good friends.

 

You have the potential to continue being good, responsible UNITED parents, with the care, well-being and contentment of your children, as a common goal.

 

If you throw a strop and get on your high horse, you do your children a disservice, and deny them their birth-right.

 

I agree with everything written here, but disagree with the application.

 

Experience tells me it's almost impossible to achieve unity from something that strives to destroy it. The best that comes from situations like these is the betrayed spouse swallowing *a whole bunch of stuff* and doing whatever they can for the good of the children. Meeting their physical needs, soothing emotional trauma, and building futures. The tragic part? If and when any of these things are accomplished, the betrayer can point with pride and say "See! I told you everything out work out!"

 

Is there anyone who disagrees that's an undeniable injustice?

 

Yet, for a loving parent, there is no other choice. Those of us who've lived it know the taste. Cheaters...no matter how they cluck and boast, are not good parents because good parents always put their families and children first. Not usually. Not almost always. Always. I know it's old fashioned, but (except in cases of abuse) husbands/wives who do not place their spouse *before* the children rob them of a very important understanding. This is not practiced or embraced today. IMO, it's showing in spades.

 

Your advise is sound Tara, IMO. No direct criticism intended. Just my take.

[UpwardForward]

I agree with everything written here, but disagree with the application.

 

Experience tells me it's almost impossible to achieve unity from something that strives to destroy it. The best that comes from situations like these is the betrayed spouse swallowing *a whole bunch of stuff* and doing whatever they can for the good of the children. Meeting their physical needs, soothing emotional trauma, and building futures. The tragic part? If and when any of these things are accomplished, the betrayer can point with pride and say "See! I told you everything out work out!"

 

Is there anyone who disagrees that's an undeniable injustice?

 

Yet, for a loving parent, there is no other choice. Those of us who've lived it know the taste. Cheaters...no matter how they cluck and boast, are not good parents because good parents always put their families and children first. Not usually. Not almost always. Always. I know it's old fashioned, but (except in cases of abuse) husbands/wives who do not place their spouse *before* the children rob them of a very important understanding. This is not practiced or embraced today. IMO, it's showing in spades.

 

Your advise is sound Tara, IMO. No direct criticism intended. Just my take.

 

The above bolded. Or 'friendship' when your best friend/other half allows evil to come in and hurt you, your children - and to destroy your family unit.

 

We all agree on decency for the sake of the children. To what degree people are able to become 'friends' is imo, completely up to the individual(s). They cannot be instructed to do so.

[mid-divorce]

I'm sorry to disagree, but you want me to be friends with the person who is destroyiong mine and my childrens lifes? yes we have a duty to the kids, that is marriage - she has decided to break that - i dont understand what you dont get about till deathe do us part?

 

It s the ultimate sin of any person who has children to walk out on a loving marriage

[TaraMaiden]

It depends - if you let their actions and reasons for the divorce embitter you for always, then it's a loss your mind has to cope with.

It's about being the better person.

 

It's a question of doing the right thing and being able to say, "I did this, and it feels good."

 

It's a change of mind-set, and please believe me, as someone who has had several extremely dark times in her life, you CAN change the way you think.

 

You don't need their cooperation to do what's right.

but you do need to evaluate which path would be best.

[Steadfast]

It s the ultimate sin of any person who has children to walk out on a loving marriage

 

Strictly speaking, sin is sin. I understand what you're saying, but...

 

You don't need their cooperation to do what's right. but you do need to evaluate which path would be best.

 

There you go mid. That's all you need to know and remember. No matter how bad it is or it seems, you can't change what someone else decides to do. So? It stinks and it's unfair. Welcome to the party. Make it better by doing things to improve the situation. Duty and obligation won't stop cheaters from cheating, so don't try to enforce it. Choose for you.

[mid-divorce]

The major prob i have is I still don't want the marraige to end and thus why i'm so bitter - im not at a point to give up on it.

Although, it does appear im being played or wanted as a friend - until she tells me its over 100% i cant move on

[Steadfast]

The major prob i have is I still don't want the marraige to end and thus why i'm so bitter - im not at a point to give up on it. Although, it does appear im being played or wanted as a friend - until she tells me its over 100% i cant move on

 

I understand friend. I do. But you must understand that by taking this position, you're choosing to live in limbo and allowing her to decide for you.

 

She won't respect it. No one respects someone they can control. Without respect, there's no attraction. Without attraction, no love in marriage. This position almost guarantees the end of your relationship. In my opinion.

 

It might end anyway, but no one wins by being passive and bitter. Can you wrap your head around that? It'll be hard to heal of you can't.