Stage in the Roller Coaster?

[StormySeas]

I feel like I'm at a new stage in this roller coaster and can't tell if the way I'm feeling is real, if I'm delusional, or what. So I thought I'd just give you all a bit of an update and see if any of this sounds familiar/resonates/if I'm getting crazier/etc.

 

You can see my history from prior posts. Anyway, on Friday my H and I had an MC session...and it was tough. I got angry about a number of different things and I left our MC's office wondering what I was bothering fighting for...that my H was a selfish person and that was never going to change because of all of his past actions. My H is out of our house, so this weekend was fully mine to take care of our 4 year old. But we had a couples shower and a college football game that my H was going to attend as well, so I knew I'd see him. The weekend was tough...another window into life as a single parent with awkward brief interactions with my H...and by Sunday night, I was tired and sad. I woke up on Monday though and had a bit of a spring in my step. I was able to work without thinking about this mess every second. I even sent my parents an email and said that I was feeling more at peace.

 

On Monday night, my H came over to carve pumpkins with our son. He was cooking dinner when I got home from work, and I looked at him and just thought "he looks cute". I can promise that is the first time I've felt that way since all of this went down...so while our son was playing in another room, I did something that I've been so curious about since I learned about the full details of the A. I kissed him. Hard and long. Of course it's been about 6 weeks since we last had se* as a result of this stuff, so the kiss just felt good. It didn't feel like I was kissing away what had happened or was kissing forgiveness. It was just a kiss. And it was nice. Later that night, things continued and we ended up romping around for a great couple of hours once our son was asleep. When we were finished, I asked him to head back to his hotel, and reiterated that our se* was not an indicator of anything, other than it had been too long and I had needs.

 

I was surprised that there were no tears from me during any of this. I was surprised that I could have se* and not think of anything but what was happening in the moment, although afterwards, the history certainly flooded back. I was surprised that I went to bed without regrets. I was even more surprised that I woke up the next morning with no regrets, and an even bigger spring in my step.

 

Now it's Wednesday, and I just feel stronger. I feel more like my old self. I feel more like I will survive and will not be defined by all the bull sh**. I know that for the good of our son and my unwillingness to see him 40-50% less, we are going to have to give reconciliation a really good shot. But I just feel today like I'm going to be able to do that on my terms...gone is the selfless individual that would do anything for anyone else...replaced is a somewhat hardened person who will make some selfish decisions.

 

I think my IC/MC is going to have a field day in my individual session tomorrow about havin se*, but who knows...at least it felt good, which is a definite improvement over all the stormy days! So I don't know...and again, I know I'm probably just going uphill here on the coaster and may head downhill again quickly...but I have to say that it feels good to laugh/smile and not be forcing everything. It feels good to just be more like the happy me again.

 

Anyway, I'm going trick-or-treating with my lil' Captain America now. Wishing all of you LS'ers a Happy Halloween!

[BetrayedH]

I think you had a little bit of delayed "hysterical bonding." My sex life with my WS was extraordinary for a few months. For the BS, it is sometimes about reclaiming our spouse (and their ass) and while the WS may be mystified, they don't ask a lot of questions.

 

From what I have read and experienced, it's not a good indicator or reconciliation or anything else. Most say to just enjoy it while it lasts.

 

For you, it's been a one time thing. For the record, there's nothing illegal about having sex with your spouse and yes, you deserve to be able to shut off yohr brain about all this crap from time to time. It certainly doesn't mean you're crazy. And the rollercoaster will keep on going up and down, hopefully with smaller hills as time goes by.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it but I'm glad you, ahem, got your mind off of things for a few hours.

[StormySeas]

Hysterical bonding sounds so much more like I'm crazy than my awesome se$ kitten antics deserve to be labeled...ah well...I figured this probably had no bearing on reconciliation, I guess I was just happy to see that I could still have and enjoy some se* with my H. Especially because I really thought it was going to be some sort of hysterically emotional experience...and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't. I'm not sure why I think it's "better" that it wasn't...maybe it makes me feel a little more control? I'm not sure.

 

If you went through this, BetrayedH, does this mean I need to fear that couch burning might be right around the corner?

[Furious]

SS

 

You're doing great...smart as a whip. You've got your groove back.

 

You're done with being selfless, and it's about time SS gets what SS wants.

 

You're an amazing woman and the confidence in yourself is what will carry you forward to the good life you deserve.

[seren]

I just dislike the term hysterical bonding, it sounds needy, when what I think it is, is that the comfy relationship, having been shaken by the neck, gets back in touch with what it always had the potential to be before life and familiarity kicked in.

Maybe long term married people adopt roles, wife, husband, mother etc and the demands of those take over from the more selfish (?) demands of me, me, me. Maybe, and maybe an A makes both realise just what was at home all those years, but overlooked. Sort of like the lovely sofa that has become comfy with time, but has become so familiar we overlook its value, until the dog chews it, or whatever. Then we remember just how much we love that sofa and begin to repair it, to treasure it and yep, to use it more. Possibly a crap analogy, but it works for me.

 

I think the best thing is to recognise that at some point the marriage, after reconciliation will settle, maybe not back into the same routine and both need to look after the intimate side. I think D Day can see both looking at the old sofa and realise they want to keep it, it has value and while it is still comfy, will now get more attention because it was almost destroyed. I am pleased to say that after 5 yrs from D Day we both kicked ourselves in the butt and both take care of the intimacy side of stuff (not just sex). But I do recognise the almost frenetic activity for quite a while after D Day. It is a very powerful feeling to know that you (general) still have it and can still rock each other's boats while having the history as well.

[BetrayedH]

Hysterical bonding sounds so much more like I'm crazy than my awesome se$ kitten antics deserve to be labeled...ah well...I figured this probably had no bearing on reconciliation, I guess I was just happy to see that I could still have and enjoy some se* with my H. Especially because I really thought it was going to be some sort of hysterically emotional experience...and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't. I'm not sure why I think it's "better" that it wasn't...maybe it makes me feel a little more control? I'm not sure.

 

If you went through this, BetrayedH, does this mean I need to fear that couch burning might be right around the corner?

 

Other than laughing out loud, I'm still a little stuck on the part about your awesome sex kitten antics. Do tell.

 

On a more serious note, I think your head is on perfectly straight. You are very balanced. I wouldn't hyperanalyze it.

 

As for couch burning, that takes a relatively unique set of circumstances. Did you husband have sex on the couch with the kids in the other room and write a graphic internet post about it which you only discovered 7 months after he told you that the OP had never been to the house and that he would never lie to you again? If so, you might be in danger of burning your couch. Otherwise, I think you're good.

[beenburned]

Seren brought up a very good point about our other roles in life sometimes take priority over us being our old carefree selves.

 

I think d-day reminds us that if we don't make time for us(the couple), that our marriage will slowly fall apart.(not just sexually)

 

I remember feeling so good when I started being more proactive in taking care of myself, instead of putting everyone else's needs/wants ahead of my own! I felt stronger and more confident than I had in years.

 

We have never had any problems sexually and are very compatible in our desires.

 

But during the period that H cheated, I was very busy with 2 young children. I'm sure he probably felt like he wasn't getting it often enough, even though he never told me this.(he is passive/aggressive and a conflict avoider)

 

I remember our hysterical bonding stage well! I was definitely out to reclaim what was rightfully mine!

 

We now have a code word we use when missing/needing some sexual attention!

[StormySeas]

BetrayedH...the first time my H and the OW had se* was on the rug in our family room where my son learned to crawl while our son was upstairs sleeping. Can I tell you how much fun it is to play legos on that carpet now? There's a good chance it will end up in a roaring bon fire one night. Oh, and it happened to be the night before Valentine's Day when I had taken my first solo trip away from our son in two years to run a half marathon with my best girlfriends. Good times. So there is certainly a chance that your couch and our rug could very well end up going through the same experience!!! And this was the last piece of trickle truth that came out after vehement denials about anything ever happening in our home other than a kiss one night when I was in the other room. So I totally understand how your couch ended up on fire. Totally totally totally understand. I will be getting rid of that rug, that's for sure, which sucks because I really like it.

 

Beenburned, I think you are absolutely right. I can still remember the night when our son was about 5 weeks old, I hadn't slept more than two hours in a row, and my H asked "when are you going to have time to snuggle with me?" and I totally hit the roof. I mean seriously, dude? I'll have time to snuggle with you when you grow two boobs and can do all the night feedings so I can get the 8 hours of continuous sleep that you've been enjoying! I just thought that was such an indicator of how much he didn't "get" it, but the fact is that I was wayyyyyyyy on the other spectrum where I totally put the marriage a distant second and our colicky awesome son was the solo priority. So definite lessons learned. But I just go back to the fact that neither of us were super happy then -- I thought my H totally sucked as a father and a husband...but I was so tired, over extended and just trying to keep my head above water that the thought of finding happiness from an external source was the furthest thing from my mind. And yet the first piece of a#* that told him he was smart, good looking and awesome...while also giving very detailed descriptions of exactly what she wanted to do to him...had se* with him on the floor of our family room while our son slept upstairs. Blech. So hard for me to fathom.

Edited November 1, 2012 by StormySeas