6 months on, dumpers regret

[winstonsdreams]

Well i haven't posted on here in a while, but i think it's been about 6 months since the break up, and around 3 months complete NC.

 

I wanted to post on here i guess to vent a little, i don't really talk about it all that much anymore but it's been a hard 6 months.

 

A lot of people really need to understand how hard it is for the dumper sometimes, i ended the relationship, but it was not because i didn't love her anymore, it was a whole bunch of other stuff, so when they move on quickly it still hurts, ok it ******g nearly killed me. I did come crawling back after a few weeks, and i got burned big time, this is something i still deal with to this day.

 

I honestly feel like i got dumped, and it's hard.

 

After i wrote the stupid final closure email (which achieves ***k all btw) i maintained NC since, plenty of times i wanted to do something to get her back, anything, but she has someone, and i just can't bring myself to get involved anymore. I still miss her everyday, but it gets easier to deal with after time i suppose.

 

I tried rebounding, that was a disaster, don't do it, not everyone is capable of moving on quickly, you will only hurt someone else in the long run. Going out and sleeping around doesn't help, i tried that too, if it helps then you didn't love your ex.

 

The only thing that helps unfortunately is time, time and more time, and complete NC. You have to pretend they don't exist, i guess this is my advice from what i have learnt from the break up. I don't know where i go from here, i have thrown myself into work more, gym, friends, family, hobbies all that, it helps but you never forget.

 

I got home from work last Friday had a beer and sat in front of the TV and lost it, just cried uncontrollably asking myself why did i end it, why, why, why? The loneliness sucks too. Then i picked myself up got dressed and went out, and i felt a bit better. You really have to get out and hang out with your friends, it helps.

 

I hope i meet someone else eventually, i am pretty good at pretending i am over it these days but i am still not there yet.

 

So don't assume all dumpers are horrible people with a hidden agenda as to why they dumped you or whatever, if they did they weren't worth it, sometimes human beings make mistakes, and they are mistakes we have to live with, like me, and it still hurts, but i'll get there.

 

Thanks for all the help so far LS peeps, therapy has been good too, turns out i am not a ***t person after all.

[River Rain]

My bf dumped me at the end of September after we were together for the summer. I never actually knew what happened, I just got the "not ready for a serious relationship" excuse.

 

I tried to move on quickly, just because that's my way to forget. I met some guys, one seemed to be getting serious.

 

Me and bf had no contact for a month. I released all the anger, humiliation and most of the hurt - at least enough that I thought I could contact him to apologize for my final retort (which I said many nasty things, carefully chosen to hurt him). I'm just not that kind of woman, so I emailed him an apology with a "no need to reply, just wanted to tell you I'm sorry".

 

He emailed me back within minutes, wanting a reconciliation, he also had dumper's remorse. He was miserable for that month we were apart, and I never had a clue.

 

We've been reconciled just 6 days now, and I'm hoping for the best.

 

When we first spoke last week, it was an eye opener to me, because it seemed he, the dumper, was in more pain that I was. So I get what you're saying.

 

It's usually we who've been dumped who can't see the dumper's perspective, because there's just too much pain and rejection to deal with. We imagine our "dumpers" out with lots of people, having fun and completely forgetting us, when most of the time, that's just not the case.

 

Is there any chance of reconciliation? Even at this point?

[mgce]

Your story and mine are the same, winston, except it was she who instituted nc, and it's been 5 months of nc. I can still resonate with everything you say, even though I've got 2 months ahead of you. As you're experiencing, it does get better, although I'm still finding it hard to grapple with every week / month that goes by without her reaching out. If, at this point, she's still made no effort to reach out, it's hard to believe now that will ever change. That's very difficult to accept.

 

I've found it's also hard, as the initial dumper, to get over feelings of self hatred and judgment, and the idea that I'm responsible for this terrible outcome. I *am* a fantastic, good person who deserves love and care in my life. I have a clean conscience. I deserve understanding and support. But it's often hard to internalize that, and I find myself facing greater self esteem challenges than I have in the past.

 

If you can learn to just "let go", of everything, even just for minutes at a time, I find that's an enormous help (and very liberating).

[winstonsdreams]

I honestly try not to think about possible reconciliations, it just hurts too much and i get my hopes up, and i put my recovery on hold. She has been with this new dude for 4 months, and last i heard they were planning an overseas trip together and eloping!

 

Of course i still love her and want her back, to be together again would be beautiful. But i will never initiate contact with her while she is with a new bloke, i just don't operate like that.

 

It sucks because after we broke up she said all these things like i was the one and we were meant to be, and when i came round she had done a 180, and she was happy with another man. she thinks i am a *****g idiot now anyway for ruining everything, or so i hear, i don't ask for anymore updates on her life.

 

my focus is moving on and remaining positive, it's hard but i will get there i have so much to offer and i know i am a decent caring man. I'll get there one day, hopefully.

[suladas]

Sorry to say, but being a dumpee myself I don't have to much sympathy for a dumper who regrets their decision and gets turned down. Obviously it depends why the BU happened, but still not to many cases where I would feel sympathy for them.

 

Even though I still care for my ex, I have a burning hatred for her and it is unlikely I would ever forgive her anytime soon for what she did, and I can say I do not feel one bit bad if she feels guilty for what she did, I actually hope she does. But then again, a large part of it is because of how poorly she handled the BU.

 

You can forgive, but you will never forget. What you say and do to someone will be with them forever. So I highly suggest in the future you really think things through and be willing to live with your decision. I am happy to hear you don't bug her when she's with someone new, she deserves it if she's happy with him.

 

And actually it is easier on the dumper then the dumpee.... It sucks you feel bad, but being on the other side of it is worse.

[Sarahbee]

You will get there, it will just take time. And actually if they've moved on to someone else in some ways that makes it easier because you're like me - there's no way you'd contact them in that situation, therefore there's no hope. And if there's no hope, then you're not clinging onto something and it will ultimately make it easier for you to get through it.

 

I also dumped my bf, but it wasn't because I didn't care about him, there were a few reasons but the main one was that he wasn't over his ex and was therefore emotionally unavailable. That hurt and made for an ultimately unsatisfying relationship for me (but not for him because he was getting what he wanted from it, I wanted more though). I also went through a terrible time of regretting it, but now, two months on, I can see that if I'd stayed with him I would have got more and more insecure and nervous and angsty, and no matter how much you love someone, if you feel bad in the relationship then you're honouring yourself by ending it. So focus on the reasons why you ended it - chances are they would still be there and you would be feeling less than satisfied.

 

Take heart, you will definitely get over this and meet someone else, there are plenty of other people who you can love and who will love you back. I'm counting on that too :-)

[theLWord]

I really feel your pain. I was the dumper also, and I wish I didn't have to end it. We were in a long distance relationship and just couldn't make it work anymore. Not to mention she was a compulsive liar, but none of that made me love her less. It hurts so bad. It's only been one week for me today, and one week NC. She tried to call me but I didn't answer because I know the reasons why I broke up with her can't be fixed. I then had to block her number because I know I'd give in eventually.

 

I think besides time, just try to remember why you broke up to begin with. I don't think it's always easier for the dumper at all because some days I feel like I could die without her. But it'll get better. Stay strong.

[mgce]

Sorry to say, but being a dumpee myself I don't have to much sympathy for a dumper who regrets their decision and gets turned down. Obviously it depends why the BU happened, but still not to many cases where I would feel sympathy for them.

 

We're not asking for sympathy. For the conscience-clean dumpers, we're rebuilding our self-esteem independently of what our exes think. If you suffered a breakup from someone who handled it in a sketchy way, that's a different story. I guarantee you that every day that goes by I'm learning how to discount what my ex thinks more and more. I will not allow her issues with me to affect my own perception of myself.

 

 

You can forgive, but you will never forget. What you say and do to someone will be with them forever. So I highly suggest in the future you really think things through and be willing to live with your decision. I am happy to hear you don't bug her when she's with someone new, she deserves it if she's happy with him.

 

I'm not sure how much we can really communicate here, and how much we're projecting our own unique experiences that don't apply to the other person. I know that as much pain as I've gone through with everything, I still made the right decision breaking up with my ex. I will never regret that. If I was in the same situation again, I'd do it again. Whether or not she ever understands that is her problem. I have no idea how this applies to your situation.

 

 

 

And actually it is easier on the dumper then the dumpee.... It sucks you feel bad, but being on the other side of it is worse.

 

You really can't make that claim unless you've been on both sides (I've been on both sides). Honestly. Being dumped by my one ex was more painful than I could ever have imagined. But I'm hard-pressed to say doing it the other way has been any easier.

[PYTpisces]

This post is really helpful for dumpees like me. I think with any reconciliation it takes both parties having both feet in and making a conscious choice and effort at all times to make it work. Sadly, I'm starting to believe that that's what true love is all about.. but then again, I was taught that love isnt supposed to hurt... I still stuggle to know what love really is. Sigh..

[The_Face]

Going out and sleeping around doesn't help, i tried that too, if it helps then you didn't love your ex.

 

I agree. A couple years ago I broke up with my gf and rebounded shortly after, on accident, but still, I chose to rebound. Looking back, I don't think I ever really cared about that ex gf of mine. So it was easy to justify sleeping with someone else, in that case.

 

My most recent ex, I wasn't able to go out there and hunt for a rebound. I was took weak and heartbroken. Even if I could have mustered the energy to try, I wouldn't have wanted to anyway. All I wanted was my ex back. I dumped her, technically. But, similar to what you posted, OP, I felt like it was really the other way around. It's hard to explain. She rebounded instantly, like within days. Wouldn't be shocked if it was the day we broke up, at this point.

 

But anyways, moving forward... *ahem* I try to pretend I'm 100% cool with everything now, and I'm almost there. Even though I have all the reasons it's a good thing we aren't together in front of me, I sometimes still miss her. Occasionally I've felt regret, and blamed myself for things ending. After all, I was the dumper. But like OP says it's not that simple.

 

Sometimes, the dumpee has the easier job. It all depends. Take it easy, winstonsdreams I know how you feel! Going through the same thing over here

[Tree_Salmon]

Well i haven't posted on here in a while, but i think it's been about 6 months since the break up, and around 3 months complete NC.

 

I wanted to post on here i guess to vent a little, i don't really talk about it all that much anymore but it's been a hard 6 months.

 

A lot of people really need to understand how hard it is for the dumper sometimes, i ended the relationship, but it was not because i didn't love her anymore, it was a whole bunch of other stuff, so when they move on quickly it still hurts, ok it ******g nearly killed me. I did come crawling back after a few weeks, and i got burned big time, this is something i still deal with to this day.

 

I honestly feel like i got dumped, and it's hard.

 

After i wrote the stupid final closure email (which achieves ***k all btw) i maintained NC since, plenty of times i wanted to do something to get her back, anything, but she has someone, and i just can't bring myself to get involved anymore. I still miss her everyday, but it gets easier to deal with after time i suppose.

 

I tried rebounding, that was a disaster, don't do it, not everyone is capable of moving on quickly, you will only hurt someone else in the long run. Going out and sleeping around doesn't help, i tried that too, if it helps then you didn't love your ex.

 

The only thing that helps unfortunately is time, time and more time, and complete NC. You have to pretend they don't exist, i guess this is my advice from what i have learnt from the break up. I don't know where i go from here, i have thrown myself into work more, gym, friends, family, hobbies all that, it helps but you never forget.

 

I got home from work last Friday had a beer and sat in front of the TV and lost it, just cried uncontrollably asking myself why did i end it, why, why, why? The loneliness sucks too. Then i picked myself up got dressed and went out, and i felt a bit better. You really have to get out and hang out with your friends, it helps.

 

I hope i meet someone else eventually, i am pretty good at pretending i am over it these days but i am still not there yet.

 

So don't assume all dumpers are horrible people with a hidden agenda as to why they dumped you or whatever, if they did they weren't worth it, sometimes human beings make mistakes, and they are mistakes we have to live with, like me, and it still hurts, but i'll get there.

 

Thanks for all the help so far LS peeps, therapy has been good too, turns out i am not a ***t person after all.

 

Your story is almost exactly like mine.

 

I don't really regret dumping her, i just regret that it couldnt work out. I tried for the last year to make it work but she refused to compromise.

 

I say you need to remind yourself of the reasons why you left, because, if she came back you would have the same troubles. Nothing has changed.

And she didnt really love you either if she didnt at least hold out and try to fix things.

 

My ex got with a guy the same week that we broke up. Maybe even earlier.

How is that love?

 

I'm still single, by choice, almost a year later. Yeah it sucks because of the emotional pain but we have no other choice.

 

You're doing well. Stick to it.

[suladas]

We're not asking for sympathy. For the conscience-clean dumpers, we're rebuilding our self-esteem independently of what our exes think. If you suffered a breakup from someone who handled it in a sketchy way, that's a different story. I guarantee you that every day that goes by I'm learning how to discount what my ex thinks more and more. I will not allow her issues with me to affect my own perception of myself.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure how much we can really communicate here, and how much we're projecting our own unique experiences that don't apply to the other person. I know that as much pain as I've gone through with everything, I still made the right decision breaking up with my ex. I will never regret that. If I was in the same situation again, I'd do it again. Whether or not she ever understands that is her problem. I have no idea how this applies to your situation.

 

 

 

 

 

You really can't make that claim unless you've been on both sides (I've been on both sides). Honestly. Being dumped by my one ex was more painful than I could ever have imagined. But I'm hard-pressed to say doing it the other way has been any easier.

 

The biggest reason I mean is, if you made the choice to BU and then decide later it's not what you want and didn't think it through, you aren't treating them fairly at all.

 

If you aren't meant to be together and you BU honorably and walk away and never think twice, that's perfectly fine and you shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel good you did the right thing.

 

The times the dumper should feel guilty is when they do cowardly things like just start ignoring the other person instead of maning up and telling them in PERSON it's over.

 

Yes it is harder to be the dumpee then dumper. One, the dumper is the one making the choice, picks the place, timing, everything, they can take days or weeks to prepare themselves, so many advantages. Not saying it's easy to be the dumper, but it is easier.

[The_Face]

My ex got with a guy the same week that we broke up. Maybe even earlier.

How is that love?

 

My ex did the same thing. We broke up a few months ago. Less than a week after we broke up, she was with another guy, sleeping with him and telling him that she loved him. And she claims it wasn't romantic love like the kind we shared, love means something different to her and the other guy. It made me so sick. Somehow, I managed to sweep my pain under the rug a while, and for whatever reason, still tried to make things work with her. I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted something back that could never be brought back.

 

My ex claims she did love me when we were together, and said her "rebound" as she puts it was just her way of getting over the pain and that she was lonely. Lonely after two days of being broken up so you **** some other guy?

 

She doesn't know what love is. She thinks she does. But in our case, the love was an illusion. I cringe when I think about how desperate I was in wanting her back, even after hearing what I heard. It took a long time to come back down to Earth.

 

At this point in my life, I'm happy I dumped her. I just wish I had left it alone once I made the decision. All I saw when she walked out the door were the things I loved about her. I forgot, that while she walked out of my life, so was the liar, the two-timer, the slacker, and the victim in her.

 

I don't have dumper's regret anymore. But I did. And it was rough!

[winstonsdreams]

Seeing them doesn't get any easier either, ***k, especially when they know you're there and make a beeline in the other direction. Saw her for the first time in 4 months last night, bloody horrible.

 

It's surreal how you go from being inseperable to not even being able to stand in a room together.

[River Rain]

Seeing them doesn't get any easier either, ***k, especially when they know you're there and make a beeline in the other direction. Saw her for the first time in 4 months last night, bloody horrible.

 

It's surreal how you go from being inseperable to not even being able to stand in a room together.

 

It is a weird phenomenon....someone you shared such intimacy with who pretends you no longer exist, it's hurtful. But it's something we have to accept because we have no control over it.

[The_Face]

The biggest reason I mean is, if you made the choice to BU and then decide later it's not what you want and didn't think it through, you aren't treating them fairly at all.

 

This is true. I guess I didn't think as much about it when I broke it off with my ex. I was so confused myself. Confused at the fact I was even making that decision. Confused when she accepted. And even more confused the second I realized I wanted her back. Suddenly I was willing to look past all the things about her that drove me to make that decision. It wasn't fair to either of us. I think I knew it was hard for her, too, even then. But it didn't appear to be as hard for her, based on her actions after our BU. That's what hurt the most. Not that she agreed we should break up, but that she fell into another guy's arms so damn quickly.

 

But in alot of cases, it's hard for both people during a breakup. Even if it's mutual, even then it can be really tough. Any time a relationship ends, that chapter ends in your life and it's just tough stuff no matter what. The bad things leave when the relationship ends, but so do the good. And that's what's hard. You have to start over, in a sense.

 

I take back what I said the other day, about being glad I dumped my ex. I shouldn't say that. Because I'm not sure I am happy about that. Could it have worked out, had we both been more mature? Maybe. But for now, it's not happening. Instead of focusing on regrets, I'd rather focus now on the good times we had, because that's one of the beautiful parts of life.

 

Don't mean to ramble or take the topic too far in another direction. This is just one of those topics, there's so many thoughts and emotions behind it.