From AP to Significant Other... and lessons along the way

[Got it]

Cabin,

 

Interesting post and very helpful. I too have come to the same conclusion: being the OW is a ludicrous waste of time and energy and really, an act of extreme self-loathing. What self-respecting woman would allow herself to be some other woman's leftovers? Really! What was I thinking?

 

And would I ever take up with xmm if he was widowed or divorced? Not so sure anymore. There was a lot about him I didn't really like. Funny how being thrown under the bus gives you the best vantage point to see the underbelly of the vehicle.

 

Since I never saw myself as anyone's "leftovers" what ever that means. This self respecting person was not full of self loathing to be in an affair.

 

I am sorry you had the experience that you did and for the pain you went through. I think what is key is realizing there was "a lot of things about him I didn't really like" as a huge red flag on why you are with a person, married or otherwise.

[underwater2010]

underwater, I know you are addressing another but I thought I would give my insight.

 

While I do think it can come up that linear thinking also stop anyone from dating anyone who has cheated, recommitting to a WS, etc. At some point it takes a leap of faith hopefully based on sound reasoning. And ultimately knowing that even if they cheat, one will be okay.

 

In my case we both cheated. We have deep dived why, gone over the reasons, the coping mechanisms, what we see as an issue in ourselves and what we will/have changed. Just like for anyone, figuring out the why and making a conscious effort to change it. We have also done IC and CC to help our foundation.

 

I don't have a fear that he will cheat. If he does, he does. I can't control him, I can only control myself. I know that I will be fine if he does. Same goes for how he feels with me. It is one of the unknowns when you tie yourself to someone.

 

How do you know if anyone will cheat on you? How did you know the first time your SO did? You don't. Sure you will look for patterns, you will look for actions that either back up or don't back up one's words, you can do all of that but at the end of the day, you can't predict the future. If you want to stay safe, you never open yourself up. If not then you take the leap of faith and wait to see what happens.

I know that after an affair everyone deals with "trust" and we all eventually have to take that leap or end the relationship, but when both people have a history of cheating it just seems like the odds are stacked against the relationship. And how do you know that you will be alright if your SO cheats? I truly thought that I would be "strong" like I had in past relationships and I was brought to my knees in grief by my husband's affair.

[Henni]

Cabin, just wanted to say that your post helped me a lot. I made the decision to end the relatively new A a couple of weeks ago having found that what you said made a lot of sense, and seemed like the right thing to do. It's not easy but it feels right and I want him to make these decisions without pressure from me, and without promises from me to wait. What will be will be. It's been tempting to go back when divorce was filed, when he's moving out, but I do believe this space and time is the best choice. Thank you for sharing your story and perspectives.

 

Same goes for cocorico.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Henni

[Spark1111]

Cabin, I think your advice is sound. And the study you mentioned, the anonymous survey of 2,000 MM engaged in an EMR, is where the 3 percent of exit affairs came from.

 

In an exit affair, both make plans to exit there marriage fairly quickly. They, the APS, devise a plan, a resolve, and a workable time table to do so.

 

Consider yourself fortunate in that you and your AP found yourself in a true exit affair. You are the lucky 3 out of 100 affairs that find yourself in this enviable position.

 

As I remember, you presented yourself as very resolute on these boards on what you wanted and how you and he planned to achieve it.

 

I wish you well, truly, on your future.

[Summer Breeze]

Oh wow. I didn't realize your ex, who you dumped for cheating on you, came into your life via an A. Doesn't that kind of support the idea that u2010 brought up about an AP turned R partner being someone you might have a hard time trusting?

 

No Donna, as Trinity said I was talking about him being with his W now which started as an A. He'd been divorced a few years before we even met.

 

I learned in that R that you can't blindly trust anyone. I do think there are degrees or levels of trust and I do think someone can move up/down levels based on what has happened both good and bad.

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with Summer Breeze - this is more common than we may know.

Granted, there are many (a majority in fact) of As that never turn into legitimate R, but I think that says more about how prevalent infidelity really is.

 

I know personally of at least 12 couples who began their R in an A. I probably know more than this and just don't have enough backstory to know the origins of their R.

 

I've read that a study of 1000 (I think) male professionals engaged in A showed that only 3% went on to marry their AP... which at first glance seems very low. But then I think you have to consider that many people engaged in As don't intend to leave their spouse and marry their AP. I think if you actually look at the number of As where both APs want a future together, the % that turn into marriages would be much higher.

 

Incidentally, I know the divorce rate is higher for second marriages.

 

That is why - in my case - we are moving very slowly as we transition through our R. We live separately and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

 

I think this is a really interesting point Cabin. I've been 'dating' for probably 30 yers of my life. That is taking out the years I was too young or involved with any SO. Figuring it with only 1 date a month with someone new on those years and you're talking 360 dates. That would mean I married .27% of the men I've dated so to me saying that of all those thousand men, many that had no intention of leaving at all, only 3% married their AP is an astronomically low number really has no bearing. DMM left his W and we're seeing if we have something that lets us move forward. One minute I think it's a sure thing and the next I can't imagine we'll make it. I have no idea if we will or not but we both know odds are low for us. The one thing we both hold onto is that we're trying and if we weren't trying the odds would be zip.

[cocorico]

And the study you mentioned, the anonymous survey of 2,000 MM engaged in an EMR, is where the 3 percent of exit affairs came from.

 

 

Please share the details of that study. The only source for the 3%'figure that I have been able to track is the Jan Halpin book "Quiet Desperation" which is about the effects of power on successful businessmen. She interviewed 4126 businessmen and found that 88% of this targeted sample had had at least one A, and of those 3% had gone on to D the BS, marry the OW and were still M 5 years later. Which does not translate into "3% of As end in M for the APs" as is often misquoted.

 

The 2000 anonymous MMs sounds like a very different study, I'd be interested to read it if you could provide the reference.