wishywashy Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 i really don't know where to start. i've been w/ my now husband for on and off for almost six years...we were recently married this past may (he didn't want me to be w/out health insurance while he was away overseas). there were, and still are, problems in our relationship. he looks really good on paper, the perfect guy. but i have never been in love with him. there has always been something missing. aside from that, our sex life has never been fulfilling. i believe i've always been with him for the security that he provided me throughout the years. when we first met, i was 18 and he was 23, my parents had just gotten divorced and as a result, my relationship w/ my father turned sour. it's odd, but now that i think of it, whenever the relationship w/ my father was good, the relationship w/ my husband was bad, and whenever the relationship w/ my father was bad, the relationship w/ my husband was good. my father recently passed in november and ever since then our relationship has been on the rocks. he will be back from overseas in september and i can't stop thinking of wanting to go my own seperate way. we've had discussions of getting the marriage annulled (our family doesn't know that we're married, planning a church wedding in april of 2005) but always reconcile. things will go good for a minute and then the next month, we're at it again. i figured that he has enough on his mind being overseas, so i refuse to discuss this with him until he gets back home so that we can talk face to face. i've already told him that i don't want a wedding, trying to prepare him for the worst. i have cheated on him while he was away, come to think of it, i've cheated on him for the majority of our relationship. even if it wasn't sexually, it was emotionally or something like that. i always thought that things would change and i'd "feel it" and then be in love w/ him. the first time, it was when we were having a long distance relationship. i thought that if we were together, then i'd feel the love. so i moved across country to be with him. then i thought, well maybe once we get engaged, i'll feel it. so we got engaged. next i thought, well maybe once we're married, i'll feel it. so we got married. and i had to stop myself when i started thinking , once we have a family, i'll feel it. i finally realized that it's just not there...it never has been. is there hope for our relationship?...any advice?..please dont' spare my feelings at all. the way i'm feeling right now is that it's better to end it now before we have kids and then have to subject them to living in a broken home. i had to go through that w/ my parents divorce and NEVER want to put my kids through it. Link to post Share on other sites
rachelcarney Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 You said it already. "i finally realized that it's just not there...it never has been. " Try for the annulment, let yourselves be free to find love. Link to post Share on other sites
lioness Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Get out before kids come into the picture!!!! You are smart enough to have realized this, so do it. Too many people think... "It'll get better when, or if... " and then they bring children into it. If it hasn't been fulfilling up to this point, it never will be. Move on, and let him do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Ditto to lioness. Some people say work it out. I say, it's been six years and you're now just realizing you made a mistake? Get thee to a therapist, you've got issues that stem from things other than your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 next i thought, well maybe once we're married, i'll feel it. so we got married. and i had to stop myself when i started thinking , once we have a family, i'll feel it. i finally realized that it's just not there...it never has been. is there hope for our relationship?...any advice?.. AH, YES, another life made more fulfilling through marriage! RUN, WISHY, RUN FAST, RUN FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT HAVE KIDS because you think this will be the "final solution" and that you'll then "feel it." Hey Wishy, please answer this question: What was it that made you think marriage was the answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 hee hee Samson....you've got no use for weddings at ALL do you.... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by wishywashy we were recently married this past may (he didn't want me to be w/out health insurance while he was away overseas). Do you have health-insurance now from another source? Do you have a job where you can buy your own insurance? I agree with the other posters on why you should get the annulment. If health insurance was a key factor in getting married, then get yourself some health insurance and move on. Is there a COBRA offered through his insurance that you can pay for after a divorce and until you get your own insurance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wishywashy Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Samson AH, YES, another life made more fulfilling through marriage! RUN, WISHY, RUN FAST, RUN FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT HAVE KIDS because you think this will be the "final solution" and that you'll then "feel it." Hey Wishy, please answer this question: What was it that made you think marriage was the answer? i really don't know what it was..i hated being in limbo trying to decide whether or not i should marry him, so i guess i figured that once i just did it (got married), everything would be easier and i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore...little did i know, it's still on my mind...i love him alot and like i said, he's perfect on paper: good job, no baggage, educated, respectable, etc., so i figured it would be a safe move...everyone said that i would be stupid to leave him, that i wouldn't meet anyone else as good as him, etc. so i just did it...i guess a part of me also wants to do right by my dad. before he died, he said that this guy was special..and he was happy that i found him. so this is the only guy that he approved of...not to mention the fact that my mom LOVES him, my grandparents LOVE him...but...something's missing Link to post Share on other sites
Author wishywashy Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Do you have health-insurance now from another source? Do you have a job where you can buy your own insurance? I agree with the other posters on why you should get the annulment. If health insurance was a key factor in getting married, then get yourself some health insurance and move on. Is there a COBRA offered through his insurance that you can pay for after a divorce and until you get your own insurance? i'm not sure...i guess i should be checking for that...i'm unemployed right now (about to start grad school) so i don't have a job that can provide insurance...i may have to put school on hold and just work for a minute. anyone have any suggs on how i can break the news to him?...he's very sensitive and i hate to see him hurt, especially on my accord. i haven't said anything to him because like i said, he's overseas and i dont' want him to have anything else to worry about. at the same time, i'm tired of pretending like everything is fine and dandy. i didnt' want to just drop the bomb on him as soon as he walked through the door. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Um, if you are going to be a student, then you will get health insurance as part of your financial aid package. You don't have to rely on your husband for that! People should always think twice before getting married... Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 everyone said that i would be stupid to leave him, that i wouldn't meet anyone else as good as him, etc. so i just did it... So you felt a lot of pressure from your peers, friends, and relatives to get married. It sure is easy to SAY that we should "always think twice before getting married...!" This sounds like Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" advise to would-be drug addicts. But comparatively saying "NO" to marriag is a lot harder to do; especially when we have to struggle against "everyone" to avoid it. This is why we see the paragim shift in marital beliefs today; because the status quo that compelled you to marry is failing to also sustain marriage. Do not blame yourself, Wishy, you are in the company of MILLIONS that were pressured into gambling with this ridiculous notion and lost. Link to post Share on other sites
lioness Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Samson So you felt a lot of pressure from your peers, friends, and relatives to get married. This is why we see the paragim shift in marital beliefs today; because the status quo that compelled you to marry is failing to also sustain marriage. Do not blame yourself, Wishy, you are in the company of MILLIONS that were pressured into gambling with this ridiculous notion and lost. You were in the frame of mind that marriage was the logical conclusion to the whole relationship experience, right? Welcome to our Club, Wishy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Yes blame yourself-there is no one else to blame for your own bad decisions but you. If he's overseas, I'd do the respectful thing which would be to wait until he gets back (if he's in the Military, this is the last thing he needs to be dealing with) no dear john letters. What's not fufilling about your sex life? Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Well then, Mr. Spock: Logically, her husband must also blame himself. Or, at least 50%: Marriage, sharing life's treasures! Based on this logical "blame assessment," Wishy, there's no reason to wait to let him know that he screwed up also. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been having the same thoughts that you have had. Your news could come as a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieBoolie Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Here's the problem - you're hanging onto to him for security. You need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and learn to provide yourself with your own security. Get out there and get a job that offers good insurance or just stop worrying about health insurance all together. If you end up being rushed to the hospital there are charities that you can turn to for help. Don't depend on any man for anything - depend on yourself. Samson - I'm with ya 100% on the marriage comments. You crack me up. Marriage (and sex) is waaaaaayyyy overrated. Why can't we all just get along with one another and DATE? I can live the rest of my life happy as hell being single. My perfect man is one who'll crawl thru my bedroom window late at night - make passionate love to me - THEN LEAVE until I need him again. No committments, no worries............ahhhhh wouldn't that be the life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wishywashy Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 thanks everyone for your suggestions and advice... my hubby found out about this post (went through my email and found out about it) so now he knows everything....guess i was too little too late...i guess i owe it to everyone to let you know what's going on....we're stuck between deciding to work things out and getting a divorce. again, thanks...and any advice or suggs would be appreciated....i'm preparing myself for the worst by looking for a job back home as well as an apt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wishywashy Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Yes blame yourself-there is no one else to blame for your own bad decisions but you. If he's overseas, I'd do the respectful thing which would be to wait until he gets back (if he's in the Military, this is the last thing he needs to be dealing with) no dear john letters. What's not fufilling about your sex life? to sum it up, i just don't think we were on the same page....i wasn't really into it and it often left me feeling unsatisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 My perfect man is one who'll crawl thru my bedroom window late at night - make passionate love to me - THEN LEAVE until I need him again. What a coincidence Julie: can I wear my Spiderman costume (I can also be Zorro, or a Viking Warrior, just let me know!) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts