Feeling lonely, sigh

[River Rain]

Bf and I got back together last Friday. I've been pretty guarded and still kind of have my doubts about everything, I guess it's the trust that hasn't fully been restored yet.

 

Being alone is tough. He lives 4000 kilometers away, works crazy split shifts and the last four days all he's been doing is working and sleeping. We've spoken every day, but sometimes only for a few minutes. He's trying his best and I appreciate it. Today was his first day off and I so looked forward to a long conversation with him.

 

But...now it's nearly 9pm my time, got an email that he forgot his phone at his place. I know he's with his daughter tonight (who lives a few hours away from him), as he should be. I had a tough upbringing and I wouldn't be with a man who didn't put his kid first.

 

Still though, I wish he hadn't forgotten his phone. I'm sure he's feeling like crap about it. Gosh, it's way too soon for me to start having these doubts, I want to trust him, I genuinely do.

 

Just venting tonight. I don't think he's lying, it's just me feeling insecure. Still though, can't help but wish I had my man here with me. Long night tonight.

[Hawaii50]

Hang in there, River, only some months stand in the way, and promise you that isn't long at all.. a few phases of the moon, I say

[River Rain]

Hang in there, River, only some months stand in the way, and promise you that isn't long at all.. a few phases of the moon, I say

 

Merci. A few phases of the moon...very poetic. I wasn't sure I was cut out for this to be honest. I don't want to let my fears get in the way, I want to be really strong and confident. D'oh! I'll just watch some horror movies to soothe my nerves, lol...

[Hawaii50]

I think keeping busy is the best thing to do.. It's my crutch too. Even this, LS, is fun, but soooooo unproductive and just.. I dunno.. there are million other things I can do that would be more positive. Are you generally pretty busy?

 

 

Edit: and listen to the song in my signature

[River Rain]

I think keeping busy is the best thing to do.. It's my crutch too. Even this, LS, is fun, but soooooo unproductive and just.. I dunno.. there are million other things I can do that would be more positive. Are you generally pretty busy?

 

 

Edit: and listen to the song in my signature

 

Wow, that's nice The Cello Song...made me smile, thanks! Love the "bow cam"!...I'm a piano gal without a piano at the moment.

 

I'm generally pretty busy, I don't work (work accident years ago), but I'm studying full-time, work out lots, go out, take care of the dog...hobbies and such, and yes, LS is fun, it's nice to connect to people, I learn a lot actually (about myself too) by reading what others have to say.

[Hawaii50]

I do too.. I can measure some growth even from a couple of months of messing around on here. But, getting my mind out of "here" is the priceless part for me. Just sitting around waiting for flights. every-day i show up, no flights, check back in 24. huffpuff.

 

I'm envious of people who can play the piano.

what scary movie yah going to watch?

[River Rain]

I do too.. I can measure some growth even from a couple of months of messing around on here. But, getting my mind out of "here" is the priceless part for me. Just sitting around waiting for flights. every-day i show up, no flights, check back in 24. huffpuff.

 

I'm envious of people who can play the piano.

what scary movie yah going to watch?

 

That must be frustrating...huffpuff indeed. Seeing what people write, especially the whole texting/misunderstanding dilemna..really opened my eyes to what's important, communication and non-electronic contact, that was a big one for me.

 

I'm envious of anyone who owns a piano at the moment! Can't wait to get back to it! Beethoven's my guy.

 

Probably Rob Zombie's versions of Halloween and Halloween 2. Very slashy!

[Million.to.1]

Hey River... can i ask... have you met you BF in real life?

[River Rain]

Hey River... can i ask... have you met you BF in real life?

 

January is when it's going to happen.

[River Rain]

Maybe I am a fool...just venting again.

 

No contact from him at all. Sure, there could be a reasonable explanation. But after our marathon reconciliation talk last Friday, I couldn't have been more clear about the daily contact. He couldn't take a minute to send me a "goodnight" email? I wished him a goodnight. I know he had access to his email. Sigh. Shame on me.

 

Let's see what the day brings.

[JamesM]

Dear RR....I feel sad for you. I hope you feel less lonely today. I reread your history with this guy, and I honestly hope it works out. You deserve someone who treats you as the special person you are. I can see why you have your doubts.

 

Like him, I haven't met you either, and I am sure he knows more about you than I do. Why he would not be in love with you...that I don't know.

 

Since this is all online and having never met him, then I would urge you to be cautious. As hard as it may be, don't be worried when he doesn't call as often as you like. It is likely that once you have met him in person, you will understand why he is as he is.

 

BTW, with all kindness, I would suggest not to send too many love emails or letters or texts if he isn't responding back. Be a little elusive and play a little "hard to get" until the two of you have met in person. The one who is more emotionally invested has less control. I know it is difficult to step back and wait, but for your own good and feelings. please do so.

 

Odd, even having never met you, I really don't want to see you hurt again by him. After all that you have endured up until now (and survived...and thrived through it all! ), I truly think you deserve someone who can appreciate you as the unique (in a very good way) person and beautiful woman that you are. If I can develop that about you after a few posts, then I have to believe that he sees this even better.

 

Be careful and patient...and don't worry, be happy!

[River Rain]

Dear RR....I feel sad for you. I hope you feel less lonely today. I reread your history with this guy, and I honestly hope it works out. You deserve someone who treats you as the special person you are. I can see why you have your doubts.

 

Like him, I haven't met you either, and I am sure he knows more about you than I do. Why he would not be in love with you...that I don't know.

 

Since this is all online and having never met him, then I would urge you to be cautious. As hard as it may be, don't be worried when he doesn't call as often as you like. It is likely that once you have met him in person, you will understand why he is as he is.

 

BTW, with all kindness, I would suggest not to send too many love emails or letters or texts if he isn't responding back. Be a little elusive and play a little "hard to get" until the two of you have met in person. The one who is more emotionally invested has less control. I know it is difficult to step back and wait, but for your own good and feelings. please do so.

 

Odd, even having never met you, I really don't want to see you hurt again by him. After all that you have endured up until now (and survived...and thrived through it all! ), I truly think you deserve someone who can appreciate you as the unique (in a very good way) person and beautiful woman that you are. If I can develop that about you after a few posts, then I have to believe that he sees this even better.

 

Be careful and patient...and don't worry, be happy!

 

Thanks James You're sweet, I appreciate what you're saying. Thing is, some things are just too important to me to waltz over. And I made it so clear to him, and he agreed to the daily contact, saying that's what he wanted too. When I decided to trust him again, he knew my issues and he made grandiose promises to not let me down again. I've done my part as well with not demanding more than a daily phone call - and if he was just too busy, an email to say goodnight. Those were my only two "demands" I guess, for reconciliation, and just 6 days later, he's faulted on his promise. It speaks volumes to me unless there is a reasonable explanation.

 

I only sent him one email this morning, asking him to step up to his promises because it was crucial at this stage that I could trust his word. No anger, no sobbing, just a matter of fact email.

 

His problem is that he withdraws when he's feeling stressed. He agreed that if this was happening, he would just inform me that he's feeling stressed and needs a day or two, and I agreed that would be fine as long as he told me and didn't just disappear. I was willing to give him time under those circumstances. But the silence just kills me.

 

So long story short, nah, not feeling better today!

[JamesM]

Thanks James You're sweet, I appreciate what you're saying.

 

You are welcome. I mean what I say.

 

Thing is, some things are just too important to me to waltz over. And I made it so clear to him, and he agreed to the daily contact, saying that's what he wanted too.

 

Then he needs to follow through with his promises. THIS is bigger than him not calling.

 

When I decided to trust him again, he knew my issues and he made grandiose promises to not let me down again. I've done my part as well with not demanding more than a daily phone call - and if he was just too busy, an email to say goodnight. Those were my only two "demands" I guess, for reconciliation, and just 6 days later, he's faulted on his promise. It speaks volumes to me unless there is a reasonable explanation.

 

I feel bad that you are dealing with this again. I guess he needs to answer for why he hasn't done what he promised. If he knows that a daily contact is important to you, then he should want to at least email you. It is understandable that life gets busy, and it is hard to follow through every day. However, an explanation is in order IMO.

 

I only sent him one email this morning, asking him to step up to his promises because it was crucial at this stage that I could trust his word. No anger, no sobbing, just a matter of fact email.

 

That is good. The ball is in his court.

 

His problem is that he withdraws when he's feeling stressed. He agreed that if this was happening, he would just inform me that he's feeling stressed and needs a day or two, and I agreed that would be fine as long as he told me and didn't just disappear. I was willing to give him time under those circumstances. But the silence just kills me.

 

Knowing that he withdraws, then assume the best. Like you, I would assume the worst, but I usually find that it isn't as bad as I assumed.

 

I agree. Silence is the hardest part. Just a word would alleviate your fears.

 

So long story short, nah, not feeling better today!

 

Well, if I could give you my shoulder to lean on or cry on, then I would. Hugs to you! Feel free to PM if you ever want to.

 

It is good that you can vent here and get support and help.

[River Rain]

I guess I just feel like he said he would do certain things to rectify what caused the breakdown before, and he's going back to his ways SO quickly. I don't mind the silence, as long as I'm prepared for it you know? If he wanted time to himself, that's all he had to say, and I was very reassuring when I told him that. So the silence confuses me further I guess.

 

Plus, I'm getting tired of the ups and downs. I'm seriously considering ending this sooner than later. He dumped me after giving me false hope, then wanted me back and convinced me through promises, and now this again. Humiliated is the word for how I'm feeling. It's beyond anger, it's thorough disappointment.

 

And thanks I'll take you up on the PM offer sometime. Nice to know there is a virtual shoulder to cry on!

[JamesM]

I guess I just feel like he said he would do certain things to rectify what caused the breakdown before, and he's going back to his ways SO quickly. I don't mind the silence, as long as I'm prepared for it you know? If he wanted time to himself, that's all he had to say, and I was very reassuring when I told him that. So the silence confuses me further I guess.

 

To you the silence says he doesn't care for you or love you enough. It may not even be the reason, but unless you hear differently, then that is what you assume.

 

He should contact you...even if by a quick email.

 

Plus, I'm getting tired of the ups and downs. I'm seriously considering ending this sooner than later.

 

Don't do it too quickly or you may wish you had waited.

 

He dumped me after giving me false hope, then wanted me back and convinced me through promises, and now this again. Humiliated is the word for how I'm feeling. It's beyond anger, it's thorough disappointment.

 

I missed that he dumped you. I thought you dumped him. Then it is even more discouraging that he seduced you back and then didn't follow through.

 

I wouldn't feel humiliated. You don't really need to be. You cannot control him, and you had every right to believe him. You simply trusted another person as we all do. This is always risky and courageous...certainly no reason for humiliation.

 

I know that feeling in the pit of the stomach...disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration. And much of it stems from not knowing and lacking control. I hope he contacts you today. If he waits too long, then I would call him.

 

He does have his phone back, doesn't he?

 

And thanks I'll take you up on the PM offer sometime. Nice to know there is a virtual shoulder to cry on!

 

I would be honored if you did. And yes, my shoulder is out here, and my ear is listening. Or rather my eyes would be reading.

[River Rain]

I have no idea if he has his phone back because.....silence! ;-)

 

Yeah, he gave me the silent treatment back in September, a few texts, three emails over a three week period. It was really hurtful, then he said he wanted us to be together forever, I was his soul mate...then I got the dump email.

 

I admit I was allowing too much of it back then. We went NC for a month, when I sent him an email to apologize for some rather nasty words I wrote, that's when he claimed he couldn't live without me and had constant regret. So after our 7-hour phone call last Friday, I told him I wanted to try again, with certain conditions, the daily phone call or goodnight email, and no more disappearing act. Not too demanding. He very much agreed to those things.

 

I think I'm tired of giving chances and being a doormat. If it were the first time he did this, I'd give him some slack, but this is why he pushed me away to begin with, even though he was the official dumper. It's really messing with my emotions and self-esteem.

 

Thanks for listening I'll be fine. I've proven to myself over the last month that I have many options out there. I just hate that feeling of being a fool twice!

[cerridwen]

I have no idea if he has his phone back because.....silence! ;-)

 

Yeah, he gave me the silent treatment back in September, a few texts, three emails over a three week period. It was really hurtful, then he said he wanted us to be together forever, I was his soul mate...then I got the dump email.

 

I admit I was allowing too much of it back then. We went NC for a month, when I sent him an email to apologize for some rather nasty words I wrote, that's when he claimed he couldn't live without me and had constant regret. So after our 7-hour phone call last Friday, I told him I wanted to try again, with certain conditions, the daily phone call or goodnight email, and no more disappearing act. Not too demanding. He very much agreed to those things.

 

I think I'm tired of giving chances and being a doormat. If it were the first time he did this, I'd give him some slack, but this is why he pushed me away to begin with, even though he was the official dumper. It's really messing with my emotions and self-esteem.

 

Thanks for listening I'll be fine. I've proven to myself over the last month that I have many options out there. I just hate that feeling of being a fool twice!

 

Don't be so hard on yourself!

This exact situation is one of the best experiences for teaching people when to cut bait.

 

The first go-around was all him.

You got involved in good faith (as people do in the new relationships) and he crapped all over things.

Don't hold yourself responsible for that!

 

This second time is when you call the shots.

You went in knowing your boundaries, and under what circumstances you'd pull out.

That's admirable.

 

If he's crossed those boundaries, asserting yourself and saying "no more" can bolster your self-esteem.

I sense you really want to and the not taking action is what's troubling you most.

I think that may be what's making you feel foolish--the hesitancy about pulling the trigger.

 

I dunno, RR.

I say forget the whole "I signed up for this again!" self-recrimination.

Look at the way you handle it going forward and as my favorite person in the whole world likes to say....

 

"To thine own self be true."

Wishing you well.

Edited November 1, 2012 by cerridwen

[River Rain]

Thanks Cerridwen,

 

Yeah, I'm anxious to pull the trigger on this, but it's just today because I'm trying to give him a break due to the fact that he forgot his cell phone. But I'm pretty sure that land lines and pay phones still exist in that town

 

I'm pre-grieving again, lol...this is what happened the last time. I'm going to give him until tomorrow then I'm done. As the day passes, I'm feeling less hurt and more angry actually.

 

But in all honesty, "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."

 

I just feel that way because I trusted him again and so far it seems I got burned twice - that'll pass though. Who knows, he may very well be in a coma or kidnapped by aliens right?

[cerridwen]

Who knows, he may very well be in a coma or kidnapped by aliens right?

 

He better hope so!

 

A lot of us have been where you are, RR.

Live and learn.

Best.

[River Rain]

Funny thing...he just called me, he's back at home. Didn't occur to him that I might be hurt by him not contacting me yesterday or today yet. I did mention our agreement to daily contact and he got quiet. As usual, he lost his cell signal so I got cut off mid-sentence though. I feel drained, I'll just wait to see if he calls back, but it's getting old now, it seems too difficult.

 

So no, there were no aliens hovering around the West coast of Canada the last 24 hours. Bloody shame, would have made for a good excuse!

[River Rain]

It's bad treatment towards you. This is hurting you and he knows it because you told him, yet he keeps doing it nevertheless.

 

Then it comes to the crux of the matter.

 

Does he even have enough compassion and consideration for your feelings to be your boyfriend?

 

What I'm talking about is what you need and you need someone that takes your feelings into consideration. He isn't doing that and he's putting you through a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

In this day and age people have many options for communication. Even a short message, giving you the smallest sign of life and a small update on how he's doing would grace him.

 

But he doesn't do that, not even on his days off. And that hurts you deeply, while he knows that.

 

And there's where you get to the crux of the matter. Does he even care enough? Does he deserve you and your dedication and commitment? Is he compassionate and considerate enough towards your feelings?

 

When push comes to shove, if someone really cares...they will try everything in their power to be with you or to contact you. No games.

 

This will ruin you as long as you are willing to ride the rollercoaster every time he makes a stop to pick you up and take you along for the ride.

 

He's what you want, but he's lacking half of what you need.

 

Quality SO's will never give off a bullsh*t vibe.

 

And he's giving you a bullsh*t vibe.

 

That is the fact of the matter.

 

Thanks for your honesty, you're absolutely right. I make some jokes, but it's all because I'd rather laugh than cry. I feel as though I've spent the better part of the last few months waiting on him. I know I deserve better, and I'm making that decision tomorrow. Although deep down, I think it's already made.

 

My lack of experience with relationships has made me vulnerable and probably a little too desperate. But during our month apart, I did see that I have many options. I'm taking that into consideration.

[River Rain]

Don't blame yourself. You've put in the effort, you've tried to bring you both closer together. The dedication and commitment came from your side.

 

That is not inexperience. That is common sense and normal. That is what an SO is supposed to do.

 

When it comes to love we're supposed to be vulnerable. A good SO will not exploit that.

 

I have put in a lot of effort. I've been vulnerable and he is exploiting that, that's a tough pill to swallow. He showed me his vulnerability last week and I embraced it and continued to reassure him each day with regards to what he revealed to me. I know I'm a good girlfriend, I don't doubt that. I just have to find the limit of the effort I'm willing to put in.

[River Rain]

It's not so much about a limit to your effort, it's about your well being.

 

What he does is hurting you. He knows it, but he keeps doing it.

 

The important question is: 'Why.'

 

Why would he put you through that.

 

You both had an agreement to contact each other daily. He broke that agreement multiple times, even on his days off.

 

You're not a toy. You're a human being.

 

He might be what you want, but he's giving you half of what you need.

 

I've used some of your ideas in an email I just sent him. So thanks for that. It all makes sense. I definitely need an adult relationship with a man who is caring and wants to spend time with me. I can't help but to have hoped it would be him. Doesn't look like it will be though.

[bluegreen]

It's not so much about a limit to your effort, it's about your well being.

 

What he does is hurting you. He knows it, but he keeps doing it.

 

The important question is: 'Why.'

 

Why would he put you through that.

 

You both had an agreement to contact each other daily. He broke that agreement multiple times, even on his days off.

 

You're not a toy. You're a human being.

 

He might be what you want, but he's giving you half of what you need.

 

 

 

He is doing it cause he knows he can "she loves him"

and he knows that all to well.

Unfortunately man sometimes can be cold heartless b.... there are still some exceptions but he is not one of those.

 

 

 

He might be what you want, but he's giving you half of what you need.

 

 

THERE in those words is all you need to know all that needed to be said and understood now you have to do hardest thing of all convince your heart of it.

[justwhoiam]

You're not on the same wavelength, that's evident. Before anything (like saying you're in a relationship, or he's your boyfriend), wait until when you will meet him at least.

 

Why can't you work? What kind of accident did you have? There are so many different kinds of jobs, that I found your statement really weird. You can't work but you can study. If you can study, I guess you can even work. Finding the right job is a different kettle of fish.