I feel sorry for exMM...

[AnotherRound]

I haven't had a lot of time to be on here lately, been so busy with work (yay!) and with the SG I recently started dating (tonight, I got a massage in my home that he bought for me, yay again!).

 

Anyway, hadn't talked to exMM for a few weeks I guess. Not really sure to be honest, been so busy and occupied elsewhere. So today, on my way out of town for a job, I was returning some movies and I saw exMM pulling into the parking lot of the store I was at. I noticed him, then carried on with returning my movies, and proceeded to go to my car - purposely turning the opposite way of his car since he had parked almost directly behind me. I walked back to my car, and he drove around and put his window down and yelled my name... I thought about pretending to not hear him, but then felt bad (I have NO idea why I feel bad, I just do).

 

So, I turned and he was all shocked that I hadn't noticed him - and said that he saw me pull in and had pulled in behind me "just to say hi". Thing is, he looks like sh**, really. I, oth, had done my hair and makeup for a job, and have lost even more weight, lol. He said he just wanted to say "hi", I said "hey"... and then he started in on telling me that his divorce will be final next month. I said, "okay, hope it all works out for you". He told me some about his life - never once asked me how I am doing, or what's new with me, or anything - just about him, and his divorce. Then, he acted all put out like I was keeping him there and said, "I really gotta go" and said some things he had to do.

 

Really? lol I was NOT the one that saw him pull in, then followed him in, parked behind him and then followed him across the parking lot. ? And, I wasn't the one talking - he was! I wasn't saying much at all, just "uh huh" and such, bc it's the polite thing to do. I noticed how much like hell he looked, and then I got this pang - I felt so sorry for him. I know I shouldn't, and he doesn't deserve my sympathy at all - but it was there, I'm not going to lie. I felt bad for him that he looked like crap and that he is such a mess - and then felt guilty bc I've been doing GREAT.

 

SG is awesome so far. Sweet, caring, sincere, honest, generous, attentive, and just treating me so well. He contacts me every day, by text or calls - even though he's been out of state working. He asks about my day, my job, my friends, my niece, etc. He already asked me on another date for this weekend, and then bought me the massage for tonight bc he knew that I have been working so hard lately and have been in knots.

 

And, as I stood there, looking at exMM, who looked like he just rolled out of bed and like a nervous wreck, and I thought about how great I've been doing and feeling, and how put together I was standing there (and wearing me hair the way exMM always liked it but I hated doing it), and just felt - sad. Sad for him, sad for his stbxw, and sad that I hadn't thought of him for weeks except very briefly and it didn't affect me at all.

 

I know that exMM has to work through his own crap, and I'm all about letting that happen. I really like SG, and think that he and I have a lot of potential for something serious, LT even, if it continues to proceed like it has so far. We get along awesomely, and I'm excited for him to get back into town so we can hang out and go on our date this weekend. I love exMM, but after today, I'm wondering if the love that I had was more that I felt sorry for him? I hate that if it's true, but that's what it felt like today - to the core of my being. That I felt sorry for him - as in, he seemed sort of pathetic to me. Then, I felt guilty about that too - I'm not comfortable with "mean" feelings, they make me feel uncomfortable when I have them. And I felt "mean" after he pulled away and I took a call from SG.

 

Anyone else experience this? Is there a chance, I'm wondering, that the love I had/have for exMM is more pity than love? How the heck would I figure that out? Or, is it just so blaringly obvious now that exMM fell so short of what I want bc of SG fulfilling that so easily? It confused the hell out of me... thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

He told me some about his life - never once asked me how I am doing, or what's new with me, or anything - just about him, and his divorce. Then, he acted all put out like I was keeping him there and said, "I really gotta go" and said some things he had to do.

 

This should really put things in perspective for you. His frame of mind just shows he's NO WHERE CLOSE to being in a healthy relationship with you, even if he does divorce. Fact that he didn't even ask about you, your life or how you've been doing is really rude and selfish of him. Oh and how insulting, like you were keeping him from chores. WTF. Ass.hole.

 

Seriously AR, forget about him and focus on the new guy. ExMM? Don't feel sorry for him and don't feel bad for him. His life is moving along and so is yours - ON different paths.

[Tenacity]

Awesome....

 

I think you need to post this under "you know you are over your affair when...."

 

You go, girl!!!! I love the visual!

[AnotherRound]

This should really put things in perspective for you. His frame of mind just shows he's NO WHERE CLOSE to being in a healthy relationship with you, even if he does divorce. Fact that he didn't even ask about you, your life or how you've been doing is really rude and selfish of him. Oh and how insulting, like you were keeping him from chores. WTF. Ass.hole.

 

Seriously AR, forget about him and focus on the new guy. ExMM? Don't feel sorry for him and don't feel bad for him. His life is moving along and so is yours - ON different paths.

 

Agreed, and I think it's for the best. He wanted the convo on his terms, so, when he was done, that was it - and then acted all put out like I was dragging it out or something. I wasn't, I swear! lol I had somewhere to be too, and I wasn't even talking! Mostly, just listening to him - as usual.

 

I have always struggled with feelings of guilt - always. I'm loyal to a freakin' fault. Now, I'm just nervous that since exMM saw me that he is going to start calling me again. I know I can just not answer, I just don't do very well at that, bc, bingo, I feel guilty. I have to sort out this guilt stuff bc it is NOT healthy, especially if I allow it to put me into situations that aren't good for me, or that I don't want. I just never saw it before today - not this clearly, and not this strongly.

 

I am focusing on SG. He's a great guy. I'm so excited for our date this weekend, and have been looking forward to it for a week now! lol We just get along so well, and he is so sweet to me. Such a gentleman, and so caring and considerate. Last date? He showed up with my favorite drinks, and brought dinner bc he knows I slack off on eating bc I'm so busy all the time - sweet!

 

Focusing on SG, definitely. I will work through this guilt crap, and deal with it. And figure out why it's even there, or why I think it's my problem to save everyone in the world - including exMM. ????

 

Thanks for the insight... true story.

[Tara247]

You're finally seeing him for what he really is, and realizing that it ain't all that great.

 

P.S. and the fact that he didn't ask anything about you and how you're doing speaks volumes about the kind of person he is.

Edited November 1, 2012 by Tara247

[whichwayisup]

Do take it slow with your new 'friend'. Last thing you want to do is hurt him and make him the rebound guy, or lead him on. Your exMM is recent and the pain is still there and deep. fact that you let him guilt you or make you feel bad means he still has a huge affect on you, more than you realize.

 

Just ignore exMM if he contacts you, and DO NOT feel bad. He is a jerk, a selfish jerk.

[Saba]

ExMM is all grown up, made his choices and does not need your pity. Don't waste your time thinking about him and letting him drag you down. ExMM is not your responsibility.

 

Its great that you feel good about yourself and work is going well. Enjoy yourself.

[MissBee]

Anyone else experience this? Is there a chance, I'm wondering, that the love I had/have for exMM is more pity than love? How the heck would I figure that out? Or, is it just so blaringly obvious now that exMM fell so short of what I want bc of SG fulfilling that so easily? It confused the hell out of me... thoughts?

 

That would be an epiphany!

 

But it wouldn't be the first.

 

I just don't think while caught in such conflicting situations we're always able to see clearly and sometimes there is just no way, until out of it or with distance you can kind of see more objectively. I think with distance and time things will slowly unravel and you'd "figure out" what your feelings were/are. It usually comes piece by piece. That is your reflections today, next month, 3 months and 3 years from now.

 

I can relate, but with a SG ex of mine. I spent soooo much time caught up in him and his drama and feeling badly for him and wanting to help him grow, as I felt like then we'd be able to be together. We went back and forth so many times, until after a period of NC, we met up and he didn't look as good to me. It was like the rose colored glasses disappeared and, while he is an attractive guy, I just started noticing his flaws more. We hung out and I had no feelings of wanting to kiss him, touch him etc as I normally would...and that was the last we saw each other, as after that I was just done. Later on I realized I did not actually love him. I just liked having a boyfriend and when I thought of what I missed about him or liked or what we had in common I was surprised that it was verrrrrry shallow! :oBut for almost 2 years I was obsessed with him and thought I was sooooo inlove and especially because I was in such turmoil, I felt it MUST be because of my great love .

 

Anyway some years later it is apparent to me that I did not in fact love him; however, our relationship and the subsequent drama thereafter that led to self-introspection was one of my biggest teachers. It was a process to get to that realization though, so it may be similar for you. Also guilt? I didn't feel guilty personally, I felt happy to be off the hamster wheel with him. I did feel a bit sad for him but not that sad lol.

Edited November 1, 2012 by MissBee

[AnotherRound]

That would be an epiphany!

 

But it wouldn't be the first.

 

I just don't think while caught in such conflicting situations we're always able to see clearly and sometimes there is just no way, until out of it or with distance you can kind of see more objectively. I think with distance and time things will slowly unravel and you'd "figure out" what your feelings were/are. It usually comes piece by piece. That is your reflections today, next month, 3 months and 3 years from now.

 

I can relate, but with a SG ex of mine. I spent soooo much time caught up in him and his drama and feeling badly for him and wanting to help him grow, as I felt like then we'd be able to be together. We went back and forth so many times, until after a period of NC, we met up and he didn't look as good to me. It was like the rose colored glasses disappeared and, while he is an attractive guy, I just started noticing his flaws more. We hung out and I had no feelings of wanting to kiss him, touch him etc as I normally would...and that was the last we saw each other, as after that I was just done. Later on I realized I did not actually love him. I just liked having a boyfriend and when I thought of what I missed about him or liked or what we had in common I was surprised that it was verrrrrry shallow! :oBut for almost 2 years I was obsessed with him and thought I was sooooo inlove and especially because I was in such turmoil, I felt it MUST be because of my great love .

 

Anyway some years later it is apparent to me that I did not in fact love him; however, our relationship and the subsequent drama thereafter that led to self-introspection was one of my biggest teachers. It was a process to get to that realization though, so it may be similar for you. Also guilt? I didn't feel guilty personally, I felt happy to be off the hamster wheel with him. I did feel a bit sad for him but not that sad lol.

 

 

Agreed. But honestly, I think the thing that is making me see it so clearly now has nothing to do with exMM, and everything to do with SG. SG is a fantastic guy. He is considerate, caring, on and on. So, while talking to exMM for those few short minutes, the differences in the two became so glaringly obvious! It was a comparison, indeed. In the way that SG talks to me, with me - asks about my day, my job, my life, my friends and family - and sincerely seems to want to know what's going on with me. And, when I'm having bad days, he is there, no fail, trying to make it better, and being supportive. Such a difference!

 

Thing is, I've never been the girl who "needed" a boyfriend, I've been single more than I've been in relationships (maybe?) and that's fine with me. I have been really trying to figure out this pity thing I have going on (and some people here were even offended by it when I felt pity for them). It's not a malicious thing, it's just simply a feeling that I get when I feel like someone is helpless, or suffering. I don't mean it in a condescending way, in fact, just the opposite in that I want to lend my strength to them so that I can help them. I spin my wheels trying to help them fix whatever it is that needs fixed, or at least try to advocate for them so that they aren't struggling alone.

 

I've had this since I was a child - empathy to the point that I will give and give and give until I have nothing left, and then give some more. But, only with certain people (all animals, always, even bugs, silly, I know). My best friend is a mental health professional too and we have been talking about this in depth. I think I know where it comes from, why I do it - now I just have to work on realizing that (as my friend said many years ago to me), it's not my job to love the unlovable people of the world. Sometimes, that's how I feel - like, I'm a mean or uncaring person if I'm not bending over backwards to help those who are less fortunate than I am in some way (not just material things, but all things - love included).

 

I am a very capable person, and seeing someone suffer tugs at my heart like nothing else. I have no idea what that feels like, to be incapable of certain things, but it saddens me and triggers something in me that makes me want to help, or give to them. As a child, I always befriended the kids that everyone else picked on. Even at a young age, I was sensitive to this unfairness, this sense of someone not being able to function socially in this world for whatever reason. I couldn't stand it - it broke my heart, and still does.

 

ExMM is an adult, yes. But, for some reason, he is a freakin' mess (some of his own accord, but I also know his history and such, and that is part of it too, I'm positive), and that breaks my heart. One, because I do love him, and two, bc he is a human and I hate to see any human suffer. He has suffered in his life, some of it not his own fault (as we all have). And, I honestly think that he was handed a pretty crappy hand to play in life many times (not always, but some). So, that is what tugs at my empathy for him. When I saw him the other day, I felt horrible FOR him. Not bc I think he doesn't deserve some of what he is dealing with, he does (if I was to judge him), but bc regardless of deserving it, it is still sad to see someone suffering so much. And the divorce isn't what is doing it, it's the same suffering he has always had, but magnified now. That is probably what has kept me there so long, tbh.

 

I know that's an injustice to him and to myself, but that is probably the truth. It feels like the truth right now. I do feel bad that I am moving on, that I'm not there for him, that I can't soothe his suffering (I maybe could, but I'm not and I won't, which may even be worse). I just hate to know he is suffering, as I hate it when anyone suffers. And yes, for those questioning, I did feel bad for his stbxw during the affair even though she was aware and not being deceived, bc I do think that she was suffering her own sort of pain during that (maybe not what someone who was deceived or not okay with the affair of their spouse would, but still).

 

Anyway, I am taking it slow with SG. He often travels for work, so we are hanging out this weekend, and no idea when he will have to leave state again. We have talked a lot, texted a lot, just kind of getting to know each other, that sort of thing. I don't want a boyfriend, or a housemate, or a husband, or a baby daddy any time soon (or ever?), so we are just dating, and I'm perfectly content with that for now. I'm enjoying getting to know him, and spending time with him, and that's good enough for me!

 

I appreciate all the kind words. I still don't think that exMM is a terrible guy, just a guy with issues, and a guy stumbling through like the rest of us. I'm okay with that, and I'm learning that it's not my problem, so, the more I can detach, the better. I know that when I saw him, I had those tugging feelings towards him still - I know that I still love him (have never denied that), and that it's a ways from being "over", but it's a good start, and I'm on my way. I have no idea what the future holds for any of us, but I'm willing to keep moving forward and find out!

[veryhappy]

AR, exMM will have no problem to find a new bimbo to soothe his pain. The one with the RO is still interested. Do not worry about him.

 

Good luck with your new guy!

[whichwayisup]

It's not a malicious thing, it's just simply a feeling that I get when I feel like someone is helpless, or suffering.

 

You're using the wrong word. That isn't pity - It's compassion.

 

Pity has a negative meaning attached to it. Compassion doesn't.