ria305 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I'VE BEEN SEEING THIS GUY FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS I REALLY LIKE HIM AND HE TELLS ME HE LIKES ME, HE'S JUST TAKING IT SLOW (TAKING HIS TIME) BECAUSE HE'S BEEN HURT BEFORE (CAUGHT GIRLFRIEND WHOM HE LOVED IN BED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND), THIS GUY HE HELP GET BACK ON MY FEET FROM A RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS ABUSIVE, HE LISTENED TO ME AND ENCOURAGED ME, MY EX-BOYFRIEND WAS VERY JEALOUS AND POSSESIVE AND HE USE TO CALL ME NAMES WHEN HE WOULD GET ANGRY AND HE CHEATED ON ME, I WAS ON AND OFF WITH MY X FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS, DUE TO MY OWN INSECURITIES I STARTED THINKING THAT MAYBE THIS GUY WAS USING THE TAKING HIS TIME AS AN EXCUSE SO HE CAN USE ME AND DRAG ME ON WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP, SO I DECIDED THAT I SHOULD "PLAY THE FIELD" AND START SEEING OTHER OTHER PEOPLE IN ORDER TO AVOID GETTING HURT, SO ON SATURDAY I HOOKED WITH MY X AND HE LEFT ME A BIG HICKEY ON MY SHOULDER (HE DID THAT ON PURPOSE OF COURSE), ON SUNDAY I SAW MY NEW GUY AND I WORE A SHIRT THAT I THOUGHT WOULD COVER THE HICKEY, AS WE WERE WALKING OUT THE DOOR HE LOOKS AT ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND ASKED WHERE I GOT THAT HICKEY, I WAS SHOCKED (HE SEEMED REALLY ANGRY), I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, SO I MADE UP A STORY SAYING THAT I HAD GONNA TO A PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND MY X WAS THERE AND STARTED TO KISS ME AND BITITNG AGAINST MY OWN WILL BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK, AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME A HICKEY SO HE CAN SCREW UP EVERYTHING WITH WHATEVER NEW PERSON I'M WITH, MY NEW GUY TOLD ME THAT AFTER I TOLD HIM WHAT THIS MAN HAD PUT ME THROUGH, AND KNOWING HOW HE IS HOW CAN I STAY AT A PARTY WHERE HE'S AT, HE SAID HE WAS VERY HURT AND DISSAPPOINTED AND THAT I HAS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER, SPECIALLY KNOWING HOW HE (THE NEW GUY) FEELS ABOUT ME AND CARES ABOUT ME, THAT HE WAS JUST TAKING THINGS SLOW, HE TOLD ME THAT THIS IS THE REASON WHY HE DOESN'T OPEN UP TO PEOPLE, AND HE KEEPS THINGS TO HIMSELF, THAT'S THE REASON HE'S NOT WITH ANYBODY AND HE JUST HAS FRIENDS, HE TOLD ME "IMAGINE HOW I WOULD HAVE FELT IF I WOULD HAVE OPENED UP TO YOU AND THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED" , I FEEL BAD!!! I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY, I THINK I JUST BLEW ANY CHANCE OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I TOLD HIM THAT I DID SCREW UP AND THAT I'M REALLY SORRY, AND THAT I HAD NO INTENTIONS TO HURT HIM!! WE CONVERSATED FOR A WHILE AND I CONVINCED HIM NOT TO LEAVE, HE KEPT SAYING THAT HE WANTED TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE HAD A HEADACHE, AND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY,AFTER A WHILE HE SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THAT I MESSED UP AND THAT IT JUST ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED FOR ME, AS THE NIGHT PROCEEDED THINGS GOT BETTER, AND WE STOPPED TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I'm sorry to nit pick but is there any way you can take the caps lock off your keyboard when you post? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Yeah, what Mr Spock said It was hard to read your post, but you met this guy who was cheated on; had a friendship relationship with him; then went out and 'hooked up' with your ex, whom you said was abusive; then lied to the new guy about it and tried to say it wasn't your fault. Is that right? Now you think you might not have a chance for a relationship with the new guy? Um, yeah---if I got the gist of your post correct I would say its going to be a problem. It will take a lot of work on your part to earn this guys trust again. No, it won't be the same as before. You can't take back a mistake, all you can do is learn from it and not repeat it. If this new guy is so special, why would you feel the desire to hook up with the ex? Maybe you don't like the new guy as much as you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 sure i can....sorry!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Why why WHY weren't you just honest with him!!?!?!?! You should've told him that," You won't make a commitment to me, so I figured that I was free to go out with whomever I want. If you care about me so much, then jump in with both feet! Don't take out your bad relationship past on me. I'm not your ex. I won't cheat on you." Or better yet, why didn't you just tell him up front, "Hey, I want a boyfriend. You don't seem like you're ready to commit to me, so I'm going to see other people, until you're ready to commit to one person." Would that've been so hard? If you REALLY felt like it was ok to make out with another guy, then you would've told him, right? Don't lie to yourself, honey, you wanted to be with your ex, or you wouldn't have been. He's abusive, and you're really dumb to be involved with him, but people can't help it that they're dumb...I'm dumb when it comes to love too. Anyhoo, quit lying to him. Tell him flat out the truth. You wanted one last make out session with your ex. He's not your boyfriend, so you didn't feel that you owed him anything. If he wants you to see just him, then he needs to commit to just you....if he still wants to "take things slow" then you're going to do what you want, until he's your one and only. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 You've said you're sorry and it won't happen again, but it's up to him to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not. If he's been through this mess before, why would he want to get involved in another situation like it again? It sounds like you went to the ex to "get back" at your new boyfriend. If you don't feel this relationship is not going anywhere, be honest or break up. You need to ask yourself why you would keep going back to a former boyfriend who manipulated you and apparently still is. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 You say this guy was so good to you, yet you went out and hooked up with your ex who had abused you. Your ex, in your own words, was not a good thing. This new guy helped you. Hooking up with your ex is not what I consider playing the field, as that is something which was already played out. Lying to this new guy was not a great thing, either. As others mentioned before, it is no longer up to you about where things go with the other man. In a way, his holding back to keep himself safe was a good idea; you lied to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 3, 2004 Author Share Posted August 3, 2004 i have no excuse for what i did, I MESSED UP!!! i feel guilty for what i've done, but like i said i did it due to my own insecurity, this new is good guy, he helped me out, but i took his "TAKING HIS TIME" thing like an excuse so i went out and did what i did in spite, i'm not trying to make an excuse for what i've done, it was wrong, but is a lesson learned!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ringo Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 I agree with [color=violet]Monday[/color] completely.... go ahead and tell the new guy the truth and see what happens.... But... I also agree with [color=blue]Faux[/color] in when you said your wanted to "Play the field" your ex was already played.... you went there because you wanted to, for whatever reason. Out of all the guys in that place it had to be your ex - which probably just made the whole story worse for the new guy. Besides, just curious - if you were going out to this party type thing, why didn't you ask the new guy to go? If he wasn't working at a fast enough pass for you, then why didn't you just communicate with him about how you felt before acting out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 3, 2004 Author Share Posted August 3, 2004 i didn't really go to a party, i went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date, the party was a lie that i came up with to justify the hickey, i told the new guy that my x was drunk and harrased me and left me a hickey on purpose, i slept with my x the night i went out with him, and he left me that hickey on purposely!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jai Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 ****.....Here is my best idea for this situation.......DON'T CHEAT. Do people really have no self control anymore or are these people just heartless dumb ****s. This guy was reserved because he has been ****ed over so many times and you pretty much proved why he should be like that. I feel no remorse for people that cheat and feel bad about it. All I can say is GOOD....I hope you do feel bad because the amount of pain you are feeling is nothing in comparison to what was done to the other person. Sorry but cheating is a touchy subject. If you need to cheat then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Take responsibility for you actions and try not to hurt people in the process. Peace, Jai Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 3, 2004 Author Share Posted August 3, 2004 i don't really consider it cheating because the new guy said he was taking his time as far as relationship is concerned, so basically is not like were in a relationship, but what i feel bad about is that the new guy seemed really angry, and if someone get that angry is because they must really care about a person, that's why i said maybe i just ruined the chances of being in a relationship with him!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jai Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 You need to think before you act. He told you why he was reserved with you and you did what the others did. Did you think for a second that he wanted to see whether or not you would do this to him and that is why he came across being distant? The way I see it you can't be too into him because if you were you would be trying to be with the new guy and not the ex. Why is it that people can not figure out the possibilities of there actions? I mean come on. **** I have been cheated on more then anyone I know and still have never cheated on anyone. Ya right....make someone feel what I had to go through. Not likely. Like I said if you really dug this new guy so much you would have waited and helped him get over his fear, but instead you made his fear a reality. Good luck with him....I am pretty much sure you messed up a good thing. Sorry for my harshness once again but you should never hurt anyone like that.....unless you would rather have enemies as opposed to friends. Lesson learned? I hope so for your sake so maybe you won't mess up a good thing again. Jai Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 You say he got angry? Let me get this straight.....he doesn't want to be with you (under the pretences of taking things slow) but he doesn't want anyone else to be with you (aka, he gets angry when you're with someone else) Can you SAY manipulating control freak??? It may be in your best interest to look at this as a blessing, and move on to someone who will commit to you! This guy isn't "taking things slow" He doesn't want you. He doesn't want to be alone either, so he's stringing you along, until someone better comes along. He played angry at you over you having another guy, so that when he DOES find someone else, he's already got the perfect excuse to ditch you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 3, 2004 Author Share Posted August 3, 2004 monday, i totally respect your opinion, and that can be a possability, but i guess time will tell...but the way i look at it is like this, this guy was there for me when i was trying to leave my ex, he listened to my situation and encouraged me, he showed concerned, we would spend 3 hours on the phone conversating, he told me what he has gonna through himself, does this sound like someone who's just trying to use you??? why would he want to help me overcome my situation?? why would he tell me about what he had gonna through, as hard as it is for a man to open up to a woman and tell her that he caught his girlfriend cheating with his best friend, maybe your right and he is trying to string me along, but maybe he is really taking his time to see if i can be trusted, but i guess time will tell...but what i did is still wrong because i lied!!! and i did it out of spite.... Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by faux You say this guy was so good to you, yet you went out and hooked up with your ex who had abused you. Your ex, in your own words, was not a good thing. This new guy helped you. Hooking up with your ex is not what I consider playing the field, as that is something which was already played out. Lying to this new guy was not a great thing, either. As others mentioned before, it is no longer up to you about where things go with the other man. In a way, his holding back to keep himself safe was a good idea; you lied to him. ^i agree with that dude^ no matter what you think.. what you say.. what you do.. bcuz all in all.. you cheated on him.. lied to him.. the works.. you did wrong.. suck it up.. deal with it like an adult.. see his point of view.. and so on. put urself in his shoes and see how he feels.. how would you feel? what would you do? how would you react to this? would you give yourself another chance? what people dont see in these situations are how the significant other feels.. all you care about is getting him back.. getting him to trust you again... but you dont think about how it will all end up.. or if you ask to go out by yourself.. maybe with a few guy friends. what will he be thinking? will she cheat on me again? will she kiss another guy? how far will she go if she has loads of time and im not around? so before you try to get him back.. seriously think about what you have done.. try answering some of the questions above.. sorry about my odd typing.. but i really need to use the bathroom and just wanted to finish that up real fast! my apologies! *scampers off to the bathroom* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 you are right, he must feel like crap...=( i mean even though we weren't really in a serious relationship i know the guy feels for me, and this has happened to him before, i guess time will tell i mean he has not called me, but on sunday after a while he said he wasen't really mad anymore, but i guess he changed his mind!!! Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 first off.. dont cheat.. no need to worry about getting caught secondly YES he WOULD feel like crap... he trusted you.. now you have an issue on trust... not a happy thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 he probably was taking his time about getting in a relationship because of what he's been through (catching girlfriend in bed with best friend) he wanted to take his time to see if he could trust me before getting fully involved, my job was to make him feel comfortable with me, let him know that he could trust me and i guess i did a wonderful job at that <<<<I'M AN IDIOT<<<<< no wonder he kept saying "it never fails" "it never fails", also he said "imagine if i would have opened up to you and this would have happened" what did he mean by opening up to me??? does that mean telling me the way he feels about me?? i didn't get that part...what does that opening up mean?? he already told me he had feelings for me... Link to post Share on other sites
kizmet74 Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 "imagine if i would have opened up to you and this would have happened" what did he mean by opening up to me??? This means he was lucky he didn't allow you into his heart like he probably wanted to. People who have been hurt in the past are sometimes able to lock others out. It's not always a good thing, because it tends to push others away at the same time it protects the heart from being crushed. You did wrong by this guy. He TOLD you why he wanted to take things slow and you proved him right. He probably won't take you back. You should have talked to him BEFORE making the decision to "play the field". Since you didn't talk to him BEFORE, you should have told him the TRUTH about what happened and WHY. You may have still had a chance if you'd discussed it with him HONESTLY rather than lying to him. You say you wanted to "play the field", why then did you go BACK to your ex?? I was under the impression "playing the field" meant meeting new people. You say he helped you get over your ex... apparently not good enough since you went back to him. It's probably all for the best. Move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 i'll just wait and see what happens, if he does still talk to me i'll be lucky!!! so opening up means letting someone into your heart, as in being with thwe person or as expressing your true feelings for them??? Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 good luck to you then Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Hello, All you can do is be honest and show your remorse to him. I am not sure if I read this correctly, but have you been honest with him that you slept with the ex, or are you still giving him the fake story? You need to be totally honest with him, and then let the chips fall where they may. If you hold on this relationship on a lie, and he later finds out the truth, he will be totally crushed. Only the truth shall set you free. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 i agreed with bryanp you cant control what he thinks or feels.. all you can do is wait and see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 i'am in a horrible position, now my ex thinks we're back together, he calls me everyday!! i don't know how to get rid of him, or maybe i don't want to get rid of him, just in case things don't work out with the new guy i can go back to my X, no i haven't been honest with the new guy about going on a date with my and sleeping with him, i have a feeling this whole thing is going to blow up in my face!!! and by the way they know each other...the new guy dated my x's sister...talk about jerry springer HUH????!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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