Textbook Case

[secretgirl]

Hi There. This is my first time posting here....

 

I suppose my story is like many others. I'm a married woman who has been having an affair for over 3 years with a married man. We live in the same neighborhood and our families are friends. We knew each other for a couple of years before the affair started. He is older than me and this is the first affair for both of us.

 

We are "lucky" in the sense that we get to spend a lot of time together, both alone during the day (we both work from home) and socially with our spouses and mutual friends at least 2 evenings a week. I probably spend more time together with him than I do my own husband.

 

The problem is that I am miserable. I feel a lot of guilt and like I will never truly happy living a secret life. MM has always been clear that he would never leave his wife and family. He doesn't seem to feel guilty and is probably more intrinsically happy on some level. There was a time when I would have left my husband to be with him, but I have also learned some things that make me question MM's character (in addition to our affair) that make me not trust him.

 

I have no idea how our spouses don't know, or at least suspect. We are both married to really nice people and have lovely families. We vent a little about our marriages as friends would do, but it is honestly fairly rare. I love my husband like a dear friend. I would hate to hurt him and if he stopped loving me I would be devastated. The problems are I'm not physically attracted to him, I'm not interested in his interests and he isn't very open and emotionally available to me. I obviously have my issues as well and in no way blame him for my on-going affair.

 

I've tried to break-up with MM about 100 times. The longest I have lasted was 24 hours. I seem so sad no matter what I do.

 

I don't know if I even have a question or not. I guess I just can't keep this all to myself anymore. Thanks for reading.

[RickFox]

Although longer than my affair there are some similarities. Destruction is around the corner. You're addicted to him, break the addiction.

[mercy]

but I have also learned some things that make me question MM's character (in addition to our affair) that make me not trust him.

 

 

Listen to that still quiet voice within you. When something doesn't feel right it isn't.

[MissBee]

I'm concerned that you say you seem sad no matter what you do. Say more about this, could you be depressed?

 

What has stopped you from ending things with MM?

 

The only way IMO, or quickest way to end it is to tell your husband the truth and seek marital counseling. But perhaps you could seek your own personal counseling first, esp. if you experience chronic sadness.

[whichwayisup]

I love my husband like a dear friend. I would hate to hurt him and if he stopped loving me I would be devastated. The problems are I'm not physically attracted to him, I'm not interested in his interests and he isn't very open and emotionally available to me. I obviously have my issues as well and in no way blame him for my on-going affair.

 

That jumped out at me. You don't love him but you don't want him to stop loving you as it would devastate you? Do you realize how messed up that is?

 

The reason why your husband and your MM's wife haven't figured it out is because they both TRUST you both. Trust that because you're both married, friends and neighbours, families/kids are involved in eachothers lives, why on earth would they think that you the two of you would hook up and live this double life, lie? Such double betrayal?

 

You and your MM are making complete FOOLS of your spouses, and your kids.

 

This whole situation is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

 

I'm sure other neighbours notice what is going on but won't get involved.. They sit and gossip about it though..

 

Bottom line is, your MM is not looking to leave or divorce. He is happy having an affair..That's what it is. So you either suck it up and continue the A, enjoy it while you can or end it. Come clean with your husband so you can either reconnect with your husband or divorce.

 

Move. That will make it easier to end as well.

 

I feel for your spouses and kids..They are the ones who are going to be devastated.

 

Please go to counseling and figure this out soon.

[Furious]

I think it's very sick that both you and the other man can socialize with each others spouses and families, it's as if you both have ice water in your veins.

[secretgirl]

Thank you for your replies everyone.

 

Rick- It does feel like an addiction. This is why I always fail at breaking-up. I'm just not sure how I go about breaking the addiction.

 

mercy- Yes, I hate this. I realize I'm married and am a liar too, but I am very devoted to MM. I sound like a hypocrite, but given our level of physical intimacy, it really does destroy me.

 

LadyGrey- Thank you. I know. I made an appointment to see a counselor, but it is a month away. I've made a mess out of everything-- my life, my marriage, my friendships....

 

MissBee- Yes, I am depressed, and prone to depression. I stay with MM because he is a support to me, and makes me feel good when I am with him. He is also very persistent when I've tried to break it off with him. Our relationship is both nurturing, and toxic....

 

whichwayisup- I do love my husband. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about that. I know I suck too, and am a terrible person. I get it. I don't think MM and I are making fools out of our families, we are making fools of ourselves. I would love to move, or go on sabbatical or something...

 

Furious- I'm sorry. I know. I have a lot of shame and guilt. I came here for support. I'm emotionally very weak right now and already know what a bad person I am. Believe me, I never thought I'd be in this dark place.

 

I'm not sure if telling my husband really the answer? On some level I think he may know but doesn't want to know. As far as MM wife, I'm sure she has no idea about her husband.

Edited November 1, 2012 by secretgirl

[Heather1]

This is extremely addictive & hard to get out of, you need some help if you really want out. I'm in a similar m & my h knows somewhat. It's a completely different r than a m, especially someone you're not attracted to but love. A lot of times I'd think giving up OM was just kissing my sex life goodbye. I went to therapy when it 1st started, I tried to visualize worst case scenario for a dday & empathize w/ his w ( who I don't know, so that's a tough one). We also agreed to no d, that was a mutual decision.

 

Here's the other thing to consider, if he feels no guilt & is cool w/ it then how would you feel if he was w/ someone else later?? There's a lot of potential for a huge train wreck here & body bags everywhere, including your kids. It sounds like your h will understand, your neighbors will not. It's still a boys will be boys world & we'll take the hardest fall.

 

Mostly it's an addictive, moth to flame deal & that's why you're having such a hard time getting out when all logic says run. I now nip things in the bud w/ men so I never have this happen again!!

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup- I do love my husband. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about that. I know I suck too, and am a terrible person. I get it. I don't think MM and I are making fools out of our families, we are making fools of ourselves. I would love to move, or go on sabbatical or something...

 

He is going to not only feel betrayed, he'll feel like a fool for not seeing it RIGHT under his nose. Both you and MM are totally taking advantage of your spouses trust..

 

So, why don't you move? People move all the time for various reasons.

 

If you don't tell your husband the truth, someone else will.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not sure if telling my husband really the answer? On some level I think he may know but doesn't want to know. As far as MM wife, I'm sure she has no idea about her husband.

 

What makes you think he might know on some level?

 

if anything, he probably thinks you're just too emotionally attached but figures you'd never cheat on him, do something like that and go against your vows.

 

Sorry if I'm coming off harsh. I do care, I just want you to wake up and really see the reality of your situation. You cannot continue as it is now.. Do counseling on your own so you can get strong enough to make a decision - One way or another.

 

Also, don't assume anything when it comes to MM and his wife.

[2sure]

Do you both have kids in the same age group? What a mess. You've got to stop this is wrecking you and for good reason.

[whichwayisup]

MissBee- Yes, I am depressed, and prone to depression. I stay with MM because he is a support to me, and makes me feel good when I am with him. He is also very persistent when I've tried to break it off with him. Our relationship is both nurturing, and toxic....

 

You are relying on a man to make you feel better. Depression - YOu use him to feel good and that lifted your depression.

 

It has made your D worse, if anything and now the toxicity and unhealthy part of your A with him IS making you feel bad.

 

You should go to your H for support, and do counseling for your D (be on meds if it's that bad) and stop relying on the MM for making you feel alive and feel happy.

[Tara247]

Secretgirl, I feel sorry for you because your husband is gonna flip when he finds out. I'm sorry you're depressed. Please see a mental health professional about that; depression is nothing to joke about.

 

I do have a question about your addiction to the married man, and please be honest: Is it the sex? If not, what need is your MM filling that your husband can't or isn't?

[secretgirl]

I'm really messed-up. I don't see a councillor until a month. I want to end it, or change it, or something. ****.

[Tara247]

I'm really messed-up. I don't see a councillor until a month. I want to end it, or change it, or something. ****.

 

Is. It. The. SEX?

[secretgirl]

Tara- Yes. It may be the sex. I am so chemically attracted to him. But he may be a sex addict and I hate him on some level. But he is always, always there for me ....

[Tara247]

Tara- Yes. It may be the sex. I am so chemically attracted to him. But he may be a sex addict and I hate him on some level. But he is always, always there for me ....

 

So, my question for you now is do you want to break this off with the MM? If you do, why not try professional help? Would you be open to seeing a psychologist? If you really want to end this, you need help breaking this addiction.

[Tara247]

Ok, I just read up that you're seeing a counselor at the end of the month. Can you get in to see one sooner? I have more questions for you and I know they're going to seem intrusive, but I have a reason for asking. Is he giving it to you like you've never had it before? Is he doing things to/with you that your husband doesn't?

[Artie Lang]

how long has this been going on?

[Tara247]

The problems are I'm not physically attracted to him, I'm not interested in his interests and he isn't very open and emotionally available to me. I obviously have my issues as well and in no way blame him for my on-going affair.

 

.

 

Secretgirl, have you ever been physically attracted to your husband?

[secretgirl]

Tara- Yes. Sex with MM is beyond anything I've ever experienced. It's not just sex but we tapped into a dynamic as well. I did used to enjoy sex with my husband but we got pregnant quickly after dating and married young. I'm not sure I even knew what good sex was. We seem to be repressed around each other and sex has never played a huge role in our relationship.

[Tara247]

Tara- Yes. Sex with MM is beyond anything I've ever experienced. It's not just sex but we tapped into a dynamic as well. I did used to enjoy sex with my husband but we got pregnant quickly after dating and married young. I'm not sure I even knew what good sex was. We seem to be repressed around each other and sex has never played a huge role in our relationship.

 

So, then you were physically attracted to your husband when you got married and he let himself go over time? Is that what happened?

[secretgirl]

So, then you were physically attracted to your husband when you got married and he let himself go over time? Is that what happened?

 

My husband is attractive, we simply have no chemistry. I love him like a dear friend or brother. He is also not very attentive to me.

[Tara247]

My husband is attractive, we simply have no chemistry. I love him like a dear friend or brother. He is also not very attentive to me.

 

Then you don't really love your husband like you should. My question to you, now, is are you going to stay in your marriage? Especially after what you have experienced with your MM? The MM told you he wasn't going to leave his wife, so you won't have him? When your husband finds out, chances are high that he will leave you.

 

Have you thought about divorcing your husband, and finding somone you can have passionate love with like you do your MM? And letting your husband find a woman that has passionate love for him?

 

I hope you don't get caught before your counseling session because it will definitely blow up in your face.

[Artie Lang]

i guess the OP had a bit of a reality-check in reading and posting.

 

i agree with Tara in that if you're not "feelin' it" for your husband, you should get a divorce.

 

the worst part is that these people travel in the same social circle. it will NEVER work out for you and this man, even if he were to leave his wife for you.....too many mutual interests.