Textbook Case

[secretgirl]

i guess the OP had a bit of a reality-check in reading and posting.

 

What do you mean? I know the reality of the situation. I'm looking for help and support to end this craziness.

 

I have brought up separation to my husband before. It wasn't something he wanted and honestly I'm not sure if it the best solution either. I've told him I'm not attracted to him and he seemed to accept it. I'm not justifying, just explaining. While our marriage is not an open one, it probably could be described as unconventional....

Edited November 4, 2012 by secretgirl

[Pierre]

What do you mean? I know the reality of the situation. I'm looking for help and support to end this craziness.

 

I have brought up separation to my husband before. It wasn't something he wanted. I've told him I'm not attracted to him but he seems ok with the status quo. I'm not justifying, just explaining. While our marriage is not an open one, it is certainly unconventional....

 

Your affair is classical, In fact, it is mundane and common.

 

On one side there is you. A woman that has low self esteem and needs external validation. Your H is secure, even if you tell him you are not attracted he does not get excited. He is secure and can be happy without external validation.

 

OTOH, you need validation and that is where the cheater guy comes in handy. These cheating men are masters at providing attention to women that need attention.

 

Women like you tend to fall in love with whomever provides the attention and admiration you desperately need to be happy and not be depressed. Your lover is smooth and knows how to do this.

 

With regards to your husband you are basically saying that old tired phrase that goes like this": "I love him, but I am not in love with him". That is so cliche is funny.

 

Quite often women like you do the so-called "affair down routine". They find a man older, less good looking, and with more flaws than the husband at home. However, this is mppt because the lover provides external validation and that is all that matters.

 

Your H does not suspect because he is an honest man. Honest people assume others are also honest. Your H thinks highly of you and cannot imagine you have sex with another man at home when he goes to work. Nice people cannot imagine such atrocities.

 

BTW, you are also betraying your children. when they find out you are doing another guy they will be devastated.

 

What a mess!!

 

Please divorce your H right away. You stated you don't love him.

Edited November 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Pierre]

Then you don't really love your husband like you should. My question to you, now, is are you going to stay in your marriage? Especially after what you have experienced with your MM? The MM told you he wasn't going to leave his wife, so you won't have him? When your husband finds out, chances are high that he will leave you.

 

Have you thought about divorcing your husband, and finding somone you can have passionate love with like you do your MM? And letting your husband find a woman that has passionate love for him?

 

I hope you don't get caught before your counseling session because it will definitely blow up in your face.

 

I don't think there is a problem with the H.

 

The problem is with the poster.

 

Finding another man will fix nothing. She would probably cheat on her next husband as well. This is a typical case of a lady that needs way too much external validation to be happy. There is no man in the planet that can do this. An affair with a lover works because it is all based on the validation she desperately needs, but in the end she has "affair down" to get the validation. I suspect 9 out of 10 women would find the H more attractive than the lover.

 

This lady needs help or otherwise she is heading for total complete destruction.

 

Her description of her husband is probably based on re-writing the history of the marriage. She needs to do this to justify the affair.

 

She only loves or likes her lover within the framework of the affair. In open daylight this romance would fall apart very quickly and she would come back crawling to her husband.

[secretgirl]

Please divorce your H right away. You stated you don't love him.

 

When did I ever state I don't love him? In fact I've stated repeatedly that I do. Physical attraction is not the end-of love. That is a very simplistic view.

[secretgirl]

I don't think there is a problem with the H.

 

The problem is with the poster.

 

Finding another man will fix nothing. She would probably cheat on her next husband as well. This is a typical case of a lady that needs way too much external validation to be happy. There is no man in the planet that can do this. An affair with a lover works because it is all based on the validation she desperately needs, but in the end she has "affair down" to get the validation. I suspect 9 out of 10 women would find the H more attractive than the lover.

 

This lady needs help or otherwise she is heading for total complete destruction.

 

Her description of her husband is probably based on re-writing the history of the marriage. She needs to do this to justify the affair.

 

She only loves or likes her lover within the framework of the affair. In open daylight this romance would fall apart very quickly and she would come back crawling to her husband.

 

So many assumptions. You must be an OM, your arrogance is astounding.

[secretgirl]

When did I ever state I don't love him? In fact I've stated repeatedly that I do. Physical attraction is not the end-of love. That is a very simplistic view.

 

End-all of love I meant to say.

 

Thank you for your thoughts though. I know there are things I need to look at myself. I had hoped this forum would have been more compassionate, but this is the internet after all. I was probably too open and this was a good reminder that I should guard my heart and my thoughts in the future and in general. This was my first foray into online "support" forums and have learned a lot, mainly I don't have thick enough skin. I don't think that translates into needing external validation from MM, but I have certainly gotten myself into a predicament. I hope I can figure it out with a counselor and my few trusted friends. Thank you to those who have take the time to respond, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Edited November 4, 2012 by secretgirl

[Artie Lang]

the thing is, you don't want help. Like Pierre said, you want validation. you want the posters to validate your foray into infidelity.

 

and you're correct..... you need thick skin to realize the enormity of what you are involved in.

 

do you realize that this group of people will NEVER be the same when this is out in the open? as with most OW, you will be the scapegoat in all this. this MM will throw you under the bus to save his own skin, leaving you a social pariah when all is said and done. BELIEVE IT!

Edited November 4, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Tara247]

When did I ever state I don't love him? In fact I've stated repeatedly that I do. Physical attraction is not the end-of love. That is a very simplistic view.

 

Secretgirl, you stated that you love him, "like a friend/brother". That is not the kind of love that two people in a marriage are supposed to feel for each other. It creates problems, like the temptation to cheat, (which you are doing) because there will always be something missing.

[Pierre]

When did I ever state I don't love him? In fact I've stated repeatedly that I do. Physical attraction is not the end-of love. That is a very simplistic view.

 

Sorry for sounding harsh SG, I wish there was abetter way of stating the obvious.

 

You cannot be physically attracted to your H as long as there is another man that is meeting your needs. You feel long term attachment love for your H and you feel early romantic/lust attachment for your lover. It is common, it is the same old story. You were correct to call it a text book case.

 

You are crazy about your lover because he meets your need for attention. He makes you feel desired and provides plenty of admiration. Nothing wrong with that, plenty of women welcome that sort of thing. Your H is very poor in providing you with that attention. That is why you are having an affair with this older man.

 

As many have said, you are in a path of destruction. Sooner or later the affair will be discovered and your lover will tell his wife you seduced him. You will end up as the bad guy in the movie and lose everything. Your H may leave you ad then you will discover you really wanted your H in a romantic manner. "You never know what you have until you lose it".

 

I wish I could say these things in a different manner, but it is hard for me to beat around the bush.

 

I apologize again for harsh words, but I feel you are inside a powerful time bomb that will cause a lot of destruction in your life as well as the life of your H and children. And do not for get the wife and kids of your lover. They will also be devastated. And make no mistake about this. All fingers will be pointing at you.

[Pierre]

End-all of love I meant to say.

 

Thank you for your thoughts though. I know there are things I need to look at myself. I had hoped this forum would have been more compassionate, but this is the internet after all. I was probably too open and this was a good reminder that I should guard my heart and my thoughts in the future and in general. This was my first foray into online "support" forums and have learned a lot, mainly I don't have thick enough skin. I don't think that translates into needing external validation from MM, but I have certainly gotten myself into a predicament. I hope I can figure it out with a counselor and my few trusted friends. Thank you to those who have take the time to respond, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

 

Compassion is to have someone give you the best advice possible on how to end tis affair.

 

If your lover had any compassion he would end the affair.

 

Lack of compassion would be to have a person validate your affair.

[Pierre]

Secretgirl, you stated that you love him, "like a friend/brother". That is not the kind of love that two people in a marriage are supposed to feel for each other. It creates problems, like the temptation to cheat, (which you are doing) because there will always be something missing.

 

Tara:

 

You need to really read about the biochemistry of love. PLease google the info or buy a book by Helen Fisher, et al.

[ComingInHot]

You & neighbor/MM = TNT & Fire = BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMmmmmm!!!!!

 

Gone. Everything just Gone.

 

Husband, gone. Children, gone. MM & wife & children/friends, gone. Neighborhood friends, gone. Extended family, gone. Life as you know it, gone.

 

Ugh.

[Pierre]

You & neighbor/MM = TNT & Fire = BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMmmmmm!!!!!

 

Gone. Everything just Gone.

 

Husband, gone. Children, gone. MM & wife & children/friends, gone. Neighborhood friends, gone. Extended family, gone. Life as you know it, gone.

 

Ugh.

 

I believe SG has the best intentions in the world and she is a very nice woman. However, addiction to the affair is powerful. Addicts lose sight of what is really important and affair love is like an addiction for some people.

 

In a pinch addicts steal money from the grandma if they have to.

 

SG has tried to end it, but I am certain the lover is a very convincing smooth talker and hooks her back every time.

 

It feels awful to see an impending train wreck and not been able to stop it.

 

There is only one way to do this.

[secretgirl]

I believe SG has the best intentions in the world and she is a very nice woman. However, addiction to the affair is powerful. Addicts lose sight of what is really important and affair love is like an addiction for some people.

 

In a pinch addicts steal money from the grandma if they have to.

 

SG has tried to end it, but I am certain the lover is a very convincing smooth talker and hooks her back every time.

 

It feels awful to see an impending train wreck and not been able to stop it.

 

There is only one way to do this.

 

Thank you for your apology, Pierre. Your initial comments were quite hurtful and not entirely accurate. The above however is very true. I don't think I am a horrible person- stupid and selfish, yes but the lying and cheating are destroying my soul, in addition to the other painful aspects of having an affair. However like you say I am very much like an addict. I know it bad and killing me (and others if it's discovered) but I can't seem to stop. It sounds so simple when I write it out- just stop. Maybe it is that simple?

 

What is the one way to do this?

Edited November 4, 2012 by secretgirl

[alexandria35]

Thank you for your apology, Pierre. Your initial comments were quite hurtful and not entirely accurate. The above however is very true. I don't think I am a horrible person- stupid and selfish, yes but the lying and cheating are destroying my soul, in addition to the other painful aspects of having an affair. However like you say I am very much like an addict. I know it bad and killing me (and others if it's discovered) but I can't seem to stop. It sounds so simple when I write it out- just stop. Maybe it is that simple?

 

What is the one way to do this?

 

The answer is that simple, but it's not easy at first. It's the way smokers quit smoking and drug addicts stop doing drugs. They just stop, but it's very hard in the early days to get past the withdrawl and cravings. Sometimes support helps addicts so maybe posting here and getting therapy can be your support while you quit the affair.

[ComingInHot]

Pierre

 

I absolutely agree w/you!

I was trying to paint a clearer picture for her of that train and the inevitable destruction that is headed for her family & neighborhood.

 

I believe in the good of most people. I am good and yet still seem to make poor choices sometimes. Now the question is, knowing the crash is going to happen, how can she prepare for it & help her family through it? **

[Pierre]

Thank you for your apology, Pierre. Your initial comments were quite hurtful and not entirely accurate. The above however is very true. I don't think I am a horrible person- stupid and selfish, yes but the lying and cheating are destroying my soul, in addition to the other painful aspects of having an affair. However like you say I am very much like an addict. I know it bad and killing me (and others if it's discovered) but I can't seem to stop. It sounds so simple when I write it out- just stop. Maybe it is that simple?

 

What is the one way to do this?

 

The nicest people in the planet have affairs. Anyone can have an affair. Nature will trick people into having affairs. This is not about being a bad person.

 

What I like about you is that you feel guilt about the affair. The ability to feel guilt makes you a very good person. However, guilt does not help you get out of the affair

 

You are in love or addicted to your lover---------------- and is very powerful . Yes, love is an addiction and you are addicted to your lover, but you are also addicted to the long term attachment to your H. You are what is known as a "cake eater". You need both to survive.

 

However, the affair will eventually destroy you, your family, and his family. Most people in affairs think they will not get caught, however, most get discovered. Your husband can probably sense something is odd, but quite often betrayed spouses cannot imagine or conceive an affair unless they had an affair themselves (or have been betrayed in the past).

 

Typically,the spouse having the affair assumes the betrayed party knows and uses that as justification to continue the affair. They tell themselves: "He or she knows and says nothing, therefore they (he or she) don't care. That is classical rationalization.

 

MOWs that are cake eaters they often have affairs with older men that pay a lot of attention to their needs. The MOW loves the idea of being desired and to be special. By the same token the older married man (MM) loves the idea of getting into the sac with a younger woman. This validates the MM quite a bit.

 

A lot of women past the teen years fall in love with the man that meets her emotional needs. The MM meets your emotional needs and your H does not know how to do that probably because he is not a player.

 

The affair is an addiction and according to brain studies your brain is no different than the brain of a cocaine addict.

 

You will not be able to stop this affair unless you go 100% no contact with this man. If you try to go no contact you will feel like hell. The withdrawal from the affair will be severe and you will become extremely depressed. Sadly, there is no other way to do this. If you remain in contact, no matter how brief you cannot escape.

 

If you explained this situation to your lover and if he was compassionate and not selfish he could agree to go 100% no contact. However, most cheating MMs tend to be players and smooth with words so he will likely hook you back in.

 

You need to go NC, There is no other way.

 

Once you get the lover out of your system your husband may seem more attractive. But------as long as you are with the MM your H cannot be attractive to you.

[whichwayisup]

I hope you decide to stay here and continue posting.

 

Honestly, I say this sincerely but if you don't have a tough skin, grow one fast, if you think words here are harsh and you can't take it, just magnify the harshness 100000 times more when your A comes to light and your husband, MM's wife, all the kids find out the truth. What you've experienced here is nothing compared to what you'll be having to face, hear and deal with if your affair is busted.

[Artie Lang]

the only way i see you ending this is by telling your husband the truth. only then will you see the real damage you and this OM are causing your respective families.

 

 

your so-called addiction stems from the fact that you're still living in the fantasy of the affair.....still in the "fog." once your husband experiences d-day - and you, the depth of his pain - i can bet you'll be brought back to reality.

[Tara247]

Let's not forget the sex. She is addicted to the sex with this man too. Secretgirl, you're going to have to tell your husband, and actually, I don't see how he's going to want to stay married to you. You have been cheating on him for three years! You need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility of a divorce. However, it will be a lot better if you end this affair then tell him than for him to discover it while you are still in the midst of it.

 

Do you and your husband have sex anymore? If so, you are sharing your body with two different men and have been for three years now. That is just plain disgusting. I'm sure you already know this though. Here's something worse though, you said you don't trust your MM, what if he is or has been sleeping with someone else? What that means is that you have exposed your husband to STDs for three freakin' years now! I suggest you come clean to your husband NOW. It will go down like a Tsunami, make no mistake of that, but you need to do the right thing. You are exposing him to disease.

[Pierre]

Let's not forget the sex. She is addicted to the sex with this man too. Secretgirl, you're going to have to tell your husband, and actually, I don't see how he's going to want to stay married to you. You have been cheating on him for three years! You need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility of a divorce. However, it will be a lot better if you end this affair then tell him than for him to discover it while you are still in the midst of it.

 

Do you and your husband have sex anymore? If so, you are sharing your body with two different men and have been for three years now. That is just plain disgusting. I'm sure you already know this though. Here's something worse though, you said you don't trust your MM, what if he is or has been sleeping with someone else? What that means is that you have exposed your husband to STDs for three freakin' years now! I suggest you come clean to your husband NOW. It will go down like a Tsunami, make no mistake of that, but you need to do the right thing. You are exposing him to disease.

 

 

They probably have sex every once in a while.

 

I suspect she goes thru the motions and her husband wonders why. However, he does not give it much thought because he does not need validation from her.

 

If she slept with her cheating MM earlier in the day she probably says "NO" she has a headache. In the meantime the husband is probably losing interest because the wife does not seen to be too motivated. At a subconscious level he has built a miniwall because she has built a wall too. Humans treat others according to how they are treated. The husband knows something is odd, but cannot imagine infidelity.

 

In the meantime OP has discussed this thread with her lover and the lover has reassured her. MM probably told the OP that everything written here is hogwash and that they have a very unique once in a million relationship.

 

And do not forget the contradiction of OP. She is in love with her cheating MM, but cannot imagine life without her husband.

[secretgirl]

Pierre, I realize this situation is a 'textbook case' but I do wish you would stop making so many assumptions. I don't want to dicsuss my sex life with my husband suffice to say not all of our problems are my fault. I don't know why you seem so intent on turning him in to this super-secure guy who is fine with everything because he doesn't need validation from me. However I feel like anything negative I say about my marriage or my husband will be perceived as justifying my affair or 'rewriting my marital history'.

 

As far as this thread and my wonderful time getting reassurances from MM this weekend, nothing could be further from the truth. I do not want him seeing this thread. In fact I had thought about asking the moderators to remove it because I was far too open about things. In addition I spent very little time with him this weekend (rare for us) because I am honestly and sincerely trying to disengage. It went ok because I was busy with family and friends and on some level I have been weaning myself off him for awhile, but I know I will crash soon...

Edited November 5, 2012 by secretgirl

[Pierre]

Pierre, I realize this situation is a 'textbook case' but I do wish you would stop making so many assumptions. I don't want to dicsuss my sex life with my husband suffice to say not all of our problems are my fault. I don't know why you seem so intent on turning him in to this super-secure guy who is fine with everything because he doesn't need validation from me. However I feel like anything negative I say about my marriage or my husband will be perceived as justifying my affair or 'rewriting my marital history'.

 

As far as this thread and my wonderful time getting reassurances from MM this weekend, nothing could be further from the truth. I do not want him seeing this thread. In fact I had thought about asking the moderators to remove it because I was far too open about things. In addition I spent very little time with him this weekend (rare for us) because I am honestly and sincerely trying to disengage. It went ok because I was busy with family and friends and on some level I have been weaning myself off him for awhile, but I know I will crash soon...

 

SG:

 

I think you should keep posting. This is anonymous and no one can figure out who you are.

 

Weaning yourself is not enough. You need to go "cold turkey". You need to spend much more time with your husband and zero time with your lover. At the onset it will be hell for you, but if you do not end the affair you will destroy your life, marriage, and children.

 

I believe you could fall again for your H if you spent time together and tried to meet his emotional needs. Maybe there are things you do that make your husband quite happy. DO these things all the time and sooner or later he will start to meet your needs.

 

As long as you have intermittent contact with your lover you will fall right back into the affair. It cannot be done in that manner.

 

Sorry, for the assumptions, but all these affairs have a lot in common and it is easy to guess what is going on.

 

Please read as much as you can about affairs.

 

Keep posting.

 

Disregard harsh words. They cannot be personal because this is anonymous.

[Tara247]

Pierre is trying to help you, Secretgirl.

[ComingInHot]

Secretgirl:

Maybe try this;

Look into the eyes & souls of your children and picture yourself telling them the reason for their pain is your responsibility. Imagine them growing and coming to the realization of what You did w/out thinking of them one moment.

Now try this scenario w/your husband. Look him in the eyes and tell him The Truth of what you have been doing and why.

 

This time (most likely) Will come.

 

Tell us truthfully, what do you REALISTICALLY see happening? I would sincerely like to read your take on this to truly see your perception of the eventual fallout.

How will You weather this wreck?!