Textbook Case

[secretgirl]

Secretgirl:

Maybe try this;

Look into the eyes & souls of your children and picture yourself telling them the reason for their pain is your responsibility. Imagine them growing and coming to the realization of what You did w/out thinking of them one moment.

Now try this scenario w/your husband. Look him in the eyes and tell him The Truth of what you have been doing and why.

 

This time (most likely) Will come.

 

Tell us truthfully, what do you REALISTICALLY see happening? I would sincerely like to read your take on this to truly see your perception of the eventual fallout.

How will You weather this wreck?!

 

I don't know what is going tp happen. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I would do. I'm not really doing so well right now. I imagine I would die in that scenario.

[secretgirl]

Pierre is trying to help you, Secretgirl.

 

I know. I appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies.

[Pierre]

I don't know what is going tp happen. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I would do. I'm not really doing so well right now. I imagine I would die in that scenario.

 

It is OK to be confused. The addiction of love causes people to not think straight. It is difficult to be logical in the throes of a torrid romantic affair. Most people cannot think straight in these situations.

 

However, there is great hope with you because your guilt alarm has been buzzing for a while. This guilt alarm is your only hope to get out.

 

Also understand that your feelings for the older Cheating MM are real, but are only real within the framework of an exclusive secret society with only two members -----------you and him. Outside the secret bubble or society there is nothing. This romance is futile and will only cause you and your loved ones the worst pain you can ever imagine.

 

You are in love with cheating MM because he meets your emotional needs. Some folks fall very hard with the person that meets the emotional needs. This is how many of us are built. We love the person that meets our needs.

 

A common emotional need for women is admiration. These women want to feel desired, they want to be the center of their partners. I suspect your husband takes you for granted and you cannot get this emotional need from him. OTOH, most cheating men are fantastic at meeting this need and hence you have fallen for MM.

[ComingInHot]

Secretgirl;

But I'll bet my last dollar that this scenario IS going to be your reality sooner or later. Probably sooner...

 

I can't fathom having to face my husband, my children, my parents, my in laws, my friends in the aftermath of this toxic explosion.

 

It occurs to me that your only options are a pre emptive strike (coming clean & being honest) OR not being honest and wait for the bomb to drop and deal w/the damage (which will be far worse).

 

You still have the chance to come clean so as NOT become the homewrecking whore of the neighborhood. Unfortunately it seems that the wayward MM in these affairs come out a whole lot cleaner than the wayward wife, the seductress, the coniving slut etc. It is NOT fair but a lot of times how it goes.

 

Be the One who has an attack of conscience. It will definitely make you look a little better in the eyes of most...

[2sunny]

You don't love your husband. Stop lying to us - to yourself.

 

Loving BEHAVIOR doesn't EVER look like this.

 

You SAY you love him - but your ACTIONS show evidence of only loving YOURSELF!

 

Your husband deserves better... Tell him what's REALLY happening in his broken marriage.

 

You and the married OM really deserve each other. Make sure you two end up together.

[Tara247]

The flak you've gotten here is NOTHING, not a drop in a bucket to what will happen when this secret is out. Your husband, your kids, your neighbors, your mm's wife, their kids, relatives from 4 different families. It's going to be very ugly and very, very hurtful to many people. I don't know if you are sticking your head in the sand or what, but affairs like this have the worst fall out and are most devastating. Your kids are going to have fall out, they are going to be talked about, gossiped about and hurt because of your and mm's actions. Fair or not, you are going to get the bulk of the blame because of double standards.

 

When you are outted, you will not think that hot sex and the validation you are getting was worth it. The best thing you can do is tell your husband what is going on and stop the affair and hope and pray that it stays private.

 

I agree with this, Secret. You should tell him before he finds out on his own that you've been doing another guy for three years, lying to his face for three years, and subjecting him to the humiliation of socializing and being friendly to a neighbor that has been inside of his wife for three years. If your husband finds out before you tell him, you're done. Although chances are extremely high that you're done now, I would NOT want my husband to find out on his own...

 

You said the MM won't ever leave his wife for you, so you need to somehow get the courage to end this. What you need to do is try and get into therapy sooner than a month. You are obviously addicted to this man and to the sex he's giving you.

 

And please hide all the guns in the house before you tell him.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Tara247

[Pierre]

SG:

 

Yoohoo!!

 

Where are you?

 

What have you done so far to get out?

 

Be strong!

[secretgirl]

Thanks for checking-in Pierre. I'm still here. I was hoping to let this thread die, once it started going in the direction of MM and I deserving each other and hiding guns in the house....

 

I've been trying to reconnect with my husband- sending him texts during the day and giving him long hugs when he gets home. I've been taking his hand while we watch movies together. We sleep in separate beds and last night I went into his room and cuddled up with him. Baby steps. He is sweet and dear to me, and I hope one day I can feel attracted to him and enjoy his company again. At this point though it feels more like a resignation of settling for a stable, comfortable marriage, devoid of passion or common interests. I need to figure that out since it's exactly what made me open to another relationship to begin with.

 

I haven't seen MM in many days, which is very unusual.

 

Mostly though I haven't been so great. I used to get so sad, and cry all the time-- now I just feel dead and numb. I feel myself slipping into a dark place and need to take better care of myself. (God, I sound pathetic.)

[Pierre]

Thanks for checking-in Pierre. I'm still here. I was hoping to let this thread die, once it started going in the direction of MM and I deserving each other and hiding guns in the house....

 

I've been trying to reconnect with my husband- sending him texts during the day and giving him long hugs when he gets home. I've been taking his hand while we watch movies together. We sleep in separate beds and last night I went into his room and cuddled up with him. Baby steps. He is sweet and dear to me, and I hope one day I can feel attracted to him and enjoy his company again. At this point though it feels more like a resignation of settling for a stable, comfortable marriage, devoid of passion or common interests. I need to figure that out since it's exactly what made me open to another relationship to begin with.

 

I haven't seen MM in many days, which is very unusual.

 

Mostly though I haven't been so great. I used to get so sad, and cry all the time-- now I just feel dead and numb. I feel myself slipping into a dark place and need to take better care of myself. (God, I sound pathetic.)

 

No one expects you to have the hots for your husband after a three year romantic affair. Don't feel bad about that. This is nothing but human physiology here.

 

No contact with your lover will cause pain and more depression. However, trying to medicate yourself with mini-contacts will only make you feel better for a very short time and then the pain returns twice as bad as before. A series of contacts sets you way back and then one day you give up and continue the full blown affair. You may even tell yourself "this must be the real deal, the real love only a few get to experience" because you tried and could not end it.

 

Breaking up is always hard to do. Many songs have been written about the subject. However, breaking up an affair is a 100 times harder because the lovers generally have to break up during the peak of the relationship. OTOH, non-affair relationships end when the partners cannot stand each other anymore, And even then, it is hard to do.

 

May I ask why you are sleeping in different bedrooms? Whose idea? Was this the byproduct of the affair so your lover feels OK and not jealous?

 

What is your husband saying? In my case I would never sleep alone. Why is he going along with this?

[Artie Lang]

you really do need to grow "thicker skin."

 

your gonna catch a lot of flak here, but it sounds like you're making an effort. the only thing i have a problem with is your lack of honesty toward your husband. your marriage will not survive if you keep this all to yourself.

 

furthermore, you're bound to run-into this man again, given how close you all are. like Pierre said, a 3-year affair is not easy to get over. you have a looong road ahead of you, if it works out at all. without "coming clean" and no counseling, i don't see reconciliation for you.

 

as you have stated, you're just "settling" right now.

[Pierre]

you really do need to grow "thicker skin."

 

your gonna catch a lot of flak here, but it sounds like you're making an effort. the only thing i have a problem with is your lack of honesty toward your husband. your marriage will not survive if you keep this all to yourself.

 

furthermore, you're bound to run-into this man again, given how close you all are. like Pierre said, a 3-year affair is not easy to get over. you have a looong road ahead of you, if it works out at all. without "coming clean" and no counseling, i don't see reconciliation for you.

 

as you have stated, you're just "settling" right now.

 

 

This is quite true. When trying to end an affair any kind of contact sets the clock back. The contact may be as subtle as seeing an old photo or even seeing the lover's car in a parking lot. If she decides to simply stop the sex and to become friends. A very common naive tactic she will do much worse.

 

No contact has to be absolute and for life. The best thing she could do is to move away. It would be wonderful if her H was transferred to another state.

[Pierre]

SG:

 

Where are you???

 

Please post an update!

 

How does it end?

 

Bye

[veryhappy]

Mostly though I haven't been so great. I used to get so sad, and cry all the time-- now I just feel dead and numb. I feel myself slipping into a dark place and need to take better care of myself. (God, I sound pathetic.)

 

Your reaction is very normal. Look up the stages of grief, and you'll have a better understanding.

[dhcp]

Mostly though I haven't been so great. I used to get so sad, and cry all the time-- now I just feel dead and numb. I feel myself slipping into a dark place and need to take better care of myself. (God, I sound pathetic.)

 

SG - Don't be so hard on yourself, you are absolutely at the hardest part of doing the right thing - the beginning, when it's all awkward and you still have the flame very much on your mind, but it will get better, I promise you.

 

I'm going to throw out another idea that is likely to catch a lot of flack on here but still something to consider - end the affair, that's a given, but do _not_ tell your husband about it. You would have to talk to your MM about this and agree that you can't continue doing this, no matter what, and that the spouses will never find out about this. Sweep it under the rug.

 

People are going to tell you it's unfair or unhealthy or whatever, but you are kind of past that point right now and I have serious doubts that a disclosure to just your husband (and your MM to his wife would have to occur too) isn't going to have major drama and likely to leak out to the community, etc.

 

If you can truly end this completely and sweep it under the rug, you will have to own the guilt of it and have some peace in that you had the power to end it, but you can avoid a tremendous amount of family pain involved and hurting someone that doesn't need to be hurt.

 

But only if you can truly end it. If you don't think you can, tell your husband and I guarantee that he (and the MM's wife) will bring things to a screeching halt and I absolutely positively guarantee that what everyone says here is true, you will for the rest of your life (and the life of your children) hate yourself for what you put everyone through and be on your knees every night praying to be able to turn back the clock and do things differently. It's so incredibly hard to see that when you are in the thick of it right now, but I hope you will chew on that thought.

 

I'm not judging, I've done some horrible things in my past I wish I could take back, I'm just telling you from 20/20 insight and there are lines of people on here that will support it - I know how incredibly intoxicating the situation can be and how it may feel more right than anything else in your life ever has, but if you can't get it under control you are going to have a level of guilt and regret that you will forever wish you could take back.

[I-care]

SG, I am amazed at the similarities of your A and mine. Myself and MM live on the same street, mutual neighbors, coworkers, & our children (although different ages) are close.

I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to move (8 hours away). I thought this would end it all. I was wrong. I just posted a couple days ago for the first time and due to the advice and "writing on the wall" I have received here have decided to go 100% NC. I know it will be extremely hard but to think of the devastation this will cause my H, my kids, our mutual friends, etc. it is the ONLY option.

One common opinion here which I do not agree with is confessing to H. Personally for me, (may seem selfish) the hurt I would cause H would be much worse than ending it for good and living with the guilt myself.

I know that MM will respect my NC as long as he knows I am serious & I do not slip.

I hope you are still staying strong. I know in the end this will be the best thing for us both.

[2sunny]

Has your MM had sex in your bed - or have you had sex in his marital bed?

[Tara247]

Has your MM had sex in your bed - or have you had sex in his marital bed?

 

Sunny, I can't speak for the OP, but I'm sure they have. Why would they pay for a hotel room when they are neighbors?

[2sunny]

Sunny, I can't speak for the OP, but I'm sure they have. Why would they pay for a hotel room when they are neighbors?

 

I prefer not to make that assumption.

 

But I will say that doing so puts that affair on a whole different level.

 

The betrayal tends to run deeper and show much more disrespect and anger towards the betrayed spouse.

 

Leaves anyone understanding that here's no respect for the spouse being cheated on when they take the cheating to the marital bed.

 

Shows deep anger issues. Hurtful on a whole different level.

 

Intentional...

[Tara247]

^^^Sunny, I agree with all of what you are saying. And as nasty as it is, I bet the OP and her MM did it in both of their marital beds. That is my guess, anyway. She's the only one that can set the record straight. The affair itself is utter disrespect ot the betrayed spouses anyway, so what's one more act of disrespect. I do understand what you mean, but I bet affairs happen a lot in the parties' marital beds if it's convenient enough.

[I-care]

Has your MM had sex in your bed - or have you had sex in his marital bed?

 

Not sure about SG but we never were together at each others house. I personally felt it took the betrayal to another level (weird, but that's my feelings) and living on the same street with many friends & neighbors we were never at each others house with out our spouse. Neighbors see & talk about EVERYTHING no matter what you think.