Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I don't know where to begin. My wife took a job as a consultant back in January. I didn't really think it was a good idea at the time because she worked for a bank and although the pay was only fair, the hours and benefits were good. She felt she had no upward mobility there though and wanted to be strong and independent. In the end, I told her I supported her decision even though it meant me taking a pay cut to pay her benefits since she would not receive any in the new job. I also didnt think the hours and dedication required for consulting would be her thing. Consulting is difficult to shut off at night. She immediately did not like the job and wanted to quit. We were talking about having kids and she said she wanted to be a stay at home wife, a trophy wife as she put it. I told her that I didn't know if I was comfortable with that since I would have to pay 100% of the bills myself. In hind sight, I wish I had given her the ok to quit. That job put her in a position where she talked to the same man ten hours per day and went on out-of-town for client visits. I only had her after work after I was wrung out at my own job. He had the fancy watch, the Porsche, and was relatively funny (think the funny fat kid with money). Last week she was in Chicago with her boss on a regular on-site visit with one of their clients and that night they apparently drank a bottle of wine in the hotel and the clothes came off and they "fooled around" (she tells me there was no actual intercourse). On Tuesday night, my wife floored me when she told me the news. She said that she had to be honest with me because it was eating her up inside. She said that she was sorry, that she wants our marriage to work, that she would do anything, quit her job, go to counseling, etc. etc. I left the kitchen, collapsed on the couch and began crying uncontrollably. We talked for about an hour. I asked questions about details. She started the conversation in the kitchen explaining only that they had kissed. My questions later on asking for more details revealed they were naked and fondling. At that point the shock and despair turned to anger and frustration. I went downstairs, put on my jacket and went for a walk in the hurricane aftermath (literally). I have spent the past 2 days at work trying to pretend there is nothing wrong. I am a manager after all, I need to lead people, I need to appear strong and have the answers. Meanwhile, inside I am falling apart. I had to tell one of my assistant managers that I was going to be going through a hard time and would be off my game at work and asked that she help me keep our projects on track. She understood, even though she didn't know the details and I was not going to provide them. I am here at work today typing this on my cell phone because I have no one I can tell this to. I can't tell my family if there is a chance our marriage could work as that would make it that much more difficult to have a shot at reconcile. I can't tell my friends for the same reason. At this moment I still love my wife more than anything, but I can't look at her without getting sick to my stomach. It hurts so bad. I would have preferred being put out in the storm and drowning to death. It is so hard. I don't know where to even go from here. Fishermanj Link to post Share on other sites
StormySeas Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Fishermanj, My heart goes out to you. I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with this bullsh**. Given you're the one dealing with this and not me, I can find some good in your story... - It's very positive that she told you right after it happened. No hiding, lying, or pretending it didn't happen. She made an awful mistake, but appears to be owning it. - If she's telling the truth and they didn't have intercourse, then that seems positive. When I found out my husband crossed that line, it just rocked my world. - She seems to be incredibly upset and wants to make amends. No blaming you, no blaming the state of your marriage, etc. You had a very normal reaction to hearing some awful news. Breathing is tough enough after hearing about your significant other's betrayal, let alone trying to function in the workplace and lead your charges. Please go and find someone to talk to -- whether an individual counselor, or even better, a marriage counselor that you and your wife can then talk to. Use this as an opportunity to take a deep dive into your marriage together. Did this happen to your wife because she had fallen for or had an emotional affair with the funny fat guy with the Porsche? Or did she have a bottle of wine and just make a positively horrible swept up in the moment decision? I know to you, the difference in those two questions may not matter right now. You are stuck with the mental picture of your wife lying naked with another person and that is so very difficult to shake. But without knowing many more details of your marriage, it seems like you two are relatively happy and that the mixture of the job, travel, spending too much time with this guy caused this to happen. I actually have personal experience on that front...when I was engaged, I was an investment banker that worked 80+ hour weeks. I spent most of my waking time with my co-workers. One night, a group of my co-workers and I ended up drinking a ton and I kissed the guy that I had been spending a ton of time with at work. Clothes on, but still, a kiss. I felt horrible about it...couldn't believe I'd done it...and it took me a month to get up the courage to tell my fiance. I realized that the job environment would never be conducive to a successful chance at our relationship (hence why all my co-workers were getting divorced and/or having affairs), so that kiss helped us realize that my job wasn't worth it. I changed careers, and we had a very happy next 6 years until my H cheated on me. But I learned more about life and relationships in that kiss that helped make me a much better wife. I understood boundaries better...I understood that I couldn't have really good friends that were the opposite sex outside of couple friends that both my H and I spent time with...and it totally changed how I behaved around the opposite sex. So for me, making that horrendous mistake was an immense and important learning process. I still feel awful about it, even after learning about my H's affair, because it went against everything that I wanted to be in life -- a good, honest partner. But if you have a relatively happy marriage, give your wife a chance to prove to you that if it was a one-time thing (this sort of feels like a big IF here given how much time they were spending together), that she can be a much better partner to you going forward. I wish we'd started counseling after my mistake though...I think my H and I would've learned some valuable things about relationships, etc. that could have helped us a ton down the road when he had an affair. I'm very sorry for the pain you're feeling... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Fisherman.... Sorry to hear about your situation. It sucks, but I want to point out one thing. This part . Last week she was in Chicago with her boss on a regular on-site visit with one of their clients and that night they apparently drank a bottle of wine in the hotel and the clothes came off and they "fooled around" (she tells me there was no actual intercourse). is highly suspect, and I would not believe it. She is merely trickle truthing you in the misguided belief that it will hurt you less. Most likely she had real intercourse with him the entire weekend...perhaps for several weekends.I mean come on, he's not 16 yrs old where they will make out on couch for 4 hrs while he has a raging boner. I know it sucks to hear, but that is why she clammed up when you pressed her for details. Tell her that if you want to get over this, that she has to provide all of the information that you ask...period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Have to agree with StandTall, people do not get undressed to make out for 4 hours and not have sex, I mean you're an adult, you've got to the point where you're touching each other and things have progressed in intensity to the point where the clothes are off to do what? Kiss some more? THEY HAD SEX!!!!! How much she? She has to tell you that but you know they did, so she is still lying to you and you can never heal unless the whole truth comes out. So sit her down and make her realize the seriousness of the matter, either she comes clean or she goes, no middle ground. You know they had sex, no need for feeling sparing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Yep. I can't say what they did but it was 100% more than what she admitted. Tell her that trying to "protect your feelings" is what will kill her chance with you. Watch her eyes. Be aware of her body language. PAY CLOSE attention. Any hesitation, any waivering, even a moment of silence will tell you everything. I'm very glad for you that she came and told you the truth that "something happened" without you having to discover it. That speaks for your chances. But make sure she knows you HAVE ALOT TO THINK ABOUT. The biggest thing she destroyed was trust. Only truth will begin to get that back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Fisherman.... Sorry to hear about your situation. It sucks, but I want to point out one thing. This part is highly suspect, and I would not believe it. She is merely trickle truthing you in the misguided belief that it will hurt you less. Most likely she had real intercourse with him the entire weekend...perhaps for several weekends.I mean come on, he's not 16 yrs old where they will make out on couch for 4 hrs while he has a raging boner. I know it sucks to hear, but that is why she clammed up when you pressed her for details. Tell her that if you want to get over this, that she has to provide all of the information that you ask...period. I'm sorry to say that we pretty routinely read stories where the wayward "just fooled around," or that it was "only once" or "only twice." It's almost never true and as Standtall says, this is their bizarre attempt to somehow "protect you." It's even got it's own term, trickle-truth. In fact, your wife has already done some of it to you during her confession. Sadly, you're desperate to believe that you already know the worst so you can begin to process it. But you're still left with a wife that is lying to straight to your face. Is the other man married? You might be able to get the truth from him under the threat of exposing to his wife. Do not tell your wife if this is your intent; it wiuld just give her a chance for them to get their stories straight. You need to emotionally detach and make decisions only with your head for a while. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is categorically awful. But you will find help here from a lot of people that have been in your shoes. Keep reading and posting and keep your head up; you didn't deserve this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 First of all, you have to really know who your wife is. Whats is her true character and persona? The one you're married to, or the one who's cheated on you? Beware, because they're not one and the same. One is the core personality. And the other is a "social facade". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I did press her and I told that I know that she is still hiding information and lying about the details. I asked her "what truth have you left out?" And she responded " I don't know how to answer that." I know that she saw me squirm when she let loose the part about them being naked, so there very well could be more that I am missing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 What is attractive about staying with a woman of her low morals and character? How long have you been married - kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I was unaware of the term "trickle-truth" but that makes perfect sense and is exactly what is happening. In hind sight, I noticed her somewhat pulling away from me emotionally a while back but had no idea what was actually happening. I guess I thought she just wanted a dog because she seemed to bring that up all the time. So far, she indicate it was a one time thing. I tired to read her messages, and although she gave me permission, she also told me that she had deleted the messages leading up to it. So no emails or messages helped show me truth. She still had to message him yesterday after she put in her 2 weeks because, well she has to for 2 more weeks. He is in Florida. I felt like I knew him well myself since he and his wife and their child hung out with us a few times. He has a wife and child that he just moved to Florida. She even sent my wife messages about what a hard time the move was and asked my wife to pray with her. That was the week before the incident. My wife's messages with the funny fat guy were that "he just had the talk with wife, now the only question is, what next?" My wife responded "that's for you and your family to figure out." Which he responded "Pot. Kettle. Black." "How are you doing?" My wife responded "terrible", he responded "that makes two". The day before my wife told me about the incident, the messages they sent back and forth included sending beach house advertisements back and forth saying which one they would prefer. "I wouldn't say no to 29." "34 looks sweet with that pool." Etc. My wife told me she did care for the funny fat guy, that they had grown close because they could talk. She said we didn't talk anymore and made reference that our end of day conversations were only about work. I guess she wanted to dream about beach houses with someone, but she didn't do it with me. Link to post Share on other sites
TexasCountryGirl Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I have to agree ... for her to first tell you they only kissed and then to later come back with a few more details ... and change it too well we kissed but we were also naked and there was touching ... it's right there in black and white ... It may be hard for you to process right now because the wounds are all so fresh .. you are hurt and confused ... unsure of what to do or even where you can turn ... so if nothing more ... take into consideration the fact that it is difficult for you to see anything clearly right now !!! The guilt is killing her .. she made some really bad decisions and clearly WANTS to come clean ... however with that said ... she is coming clean just a little at a time because she knows this is going to devastate you ! It's kind of like getting her feet wet without having to jump in and swim !!! She is telling you little by little to try and break it to you easy and try to see how much she can tell you without you turning and running ... she clearly doesn't want to loose you ... and if she is afraid of loosing you ... she may very well clam up and stop talking. For my husband ... he came clean just a little at a time and it took nearly 3 weeks to get the full story ... (partly because he was testing the waters trying to decided how much to tell me and partly because I would listen and ask questions and then it would become too much for me to process and I needed to walk away and try to process things on my own before I could try and talk to him again!) my heart breaks .. my heart goes out to you ... I wish there were any easy answer to make this all clear up and go away, trust me when I say I have searched for that easy road (as I am sure most everyone else searches too) and I never could find it! either way ... if you stay or if you go ... you have some rough times ahead of you! good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I am 35, my wife and I have been married a little over 3 years and together 2.5 years before that. No kids. I moved out east from Michigan and once I met my wife, her family and friends became mine. Almost all of my relationships here stem from what was a pure, honest, and good marriage. Without her, I lose all of my family and our circle of friends because they were her friends first. I love my wife deeply and only ever wanted her to be happy. I still want her to be happy. As she cries over what she did, I want to comfort her yet at the same time I am repulsed by the thought of touching her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 She screwed him on numerous occasions - you know that, right? And the trophy wife... Sheez, is that all she hopes to be/accomplish in life? That's such sickening!!! People get proud of themselves for what they DO/accomplish - especially when it is helping OTHERS! To sit and be pretty isn't accomplishing anything! Her LOOKSwill fade - and she'll still be left with being that gal who was ugly enough to cheat and hurt many people. She needs counseling - the inside isn't one bit attractive! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Tell the dudes wife ASAP! She needs to know! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 That was the week before the incident. My wife's messages with the funny fat guy were that "he just had the talk with wife, now the only question is, what next?" My wife responded "that's for you and your family to figure out." Which he responded "Pot. Kettle. Black." "How are you doing?" My wife responded "terrible", he responded "that makes two"./QUOTE] I'm confused. We're these messages with him prior to her telling you? Or we're these after? If these were after she confessed to you, why are they having this conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Sounds like maybe he was EXPECTED to tell his wife - and he expected her to tell you = so they could be together! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 And NO - there isn't one reason she needs to stay working for him one more minute! She can and should quit TODAY - IF she intends to stay married to YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 BetrayedH, She has to work with him for 2 weeks because I told her to put in her two weeks. This conversation was after she told me about it. I think that his big question is whether my wife will want him and leave me. If that would make my wife happy, then at this point, my decision would be easy. There wouldn't be a conflict of the heart if my wife could be happy. It would still hurt in so many ways, but my path forward would be clear since all I ever wanted was her to be happy. I'd take this experience on the chin, suck it up, cry it out, break it off, and focus on rebuilding the rest of my life. At that point I could even tell the world about my issues and get support from all of the people I love, but can't tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Keep in mind, my wife is working from home I the northeast and he is in Florida. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Also, honest or not, I'm spying on her messages with him. So I want them to talk here and there to learn any truth I can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StormySeas Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Trickle truth just blows...I mean it is honestly so devastating. I finally mastered the stone face/ability to stay silent and little by little over two months, the truth finally trickled out. Of course I think it did. But sadly, it's impossible to ever know for sure. But checking out beach houses together? The conversation you showed us? I think these two were planning a life together. I agree with everyone else...they had se* and also appeared to have a deep emotional affair going here. Sit your wife down and tell her that it is her only opportunity to tell you every single detail. That you are willing to talk to the man, talk to his wife, and force her to take a polygraph because you deserve 100% of the truth and you want it all out NOW. That if you find out one missing key detail later or elsewhere, that will likely doom your marriage more than her actions up to that point have. Tell her about trickle truth...tell her situation sounds just like most affairs...and that you can take and need all of the information. You need to know the whole history of the relationship, all the key details, etc. Hopefully she isn't as cowardly as my trickle truth mastering H and spills all the beans. Don't react -- let the whole story come out and ask the questions that you need answered in a level headed manner -- and then kick her out or leave. Then you can start to assess everything over time. I wish I hadn't reacted to any of the early details that my H came out with as I'm convinced that made the trickle such a damn trickle and that if I could've just stayed calm/cool/collected, I would've gotten the truth much quicker. As much as the truth hurts, getting 25% of the story and thinking that's it, then getting another 5%, another 10%, etc. is just f'ing agony. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Why are you being such a wussy? Your wife is a complete cheat! There's no reason to stay! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 So my wife is shopping for furniture with her cousin and I am spying. The messages are... OM - how are you doing today? W - terrible, discusses work rest of message OM - sends pic of devils food cupcakes followed by comment "I'm sharing with you a small ray of sunshine. Hopefully you smile a bit. W - OM please stop, I will work through Nov 15 so payroll is easiest. If you want me off the books before that, then I understand. Let me know if that works for you an I can tell the team tomorrow at the meeting to look for office space. OM - I will pay through Nov 15 whether you want to work or not is up to you. I know you want to move on. W - I don't want to take part in a paycheck that if I haven't earned it. If I have to stop working earlier than that, just shorten the check. OM - you've earned the right to be paid through the 15th W - let me talk to DH about it. I might need the time to find something else. Thanks. End of messages Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 That she is even allowing him to chat personal stuff isn't sitting well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 2Sunny, I am not a wussy. Far from it. I protect the people I love and care for even if it hurts me to do so. I care about my marriage and take it very seriously. I made a commitment to my wife and God to get into this marriage and ill be damned if I don't give it everything in my soul. I am not going to let it go if there is the slightest hope in my being that it can work. Until I know enough to make the right choice and until I am in the right frame of mind, I am not going anywhere. Leaving right this second is not on the table. If what I learn changes that, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In any case, unless I do as I discussed above, I will not feel right. I never have and never will take the easy or quick road and this will be no different. If after I learn everything and process it and make a decision, I will know it was the right one either way it goes. Cheers Fishermanj 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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