My wife cheated on me with her boss

[robf1971]

I have not called his wife yet. If he hasn't told her, is it my responsibility to break up their marriage? They do have a child and just moved to Florida and his wife was having a hard time with just the Florida move. She is innocent, why should I destroy her well being?

 

Couple of points here, though I understand your point of view as I'm a recovering nice guy,

 

1. His wife and kid along with OM's marriage is not your problem,

 

2. You are informing her, not destroying her.

 

3. It is the very surest way to absolutely kill your wife's affair for ever.

 

You need to start thinking of yourself otherwise people will keep treating you like something they trod in.

[Tara247]

I have not called his wife yet. If he hasn't told her, is it my responsibility to break up their marriage? They do have a child and just moved to Florida and his wife was having a hard time with just the Florida move. She is innocent, why should I destroy her well being?

 

Fisherman, his wife should know. If it were me, I'd want to know if my husband betrayed me. This man could cheat on his wife again, and bring home a STD to her. She should know.

[VeveCakes]

She went back on the pill before this trip?? She clearly knew what she was going to do.

[Fishermanj]

Last night seemed odd. Since my wife told me about what she had done, she has been doting on me like never before. She made me grilled cheese and tomato soup, she even helped me with the trash. Usually she just reminds me that its trash night. When she asked what I wanted to drink, she jumped to Vernors ginger ale as an idea. My grandma always used to give us Vernors if we had an upset stomach. She knew that. I thought we were out because it is hard to find Vernors outside of Michigan. She ran around the house to all 3 of our different refrigerators looking for one. I was wrong, we did have one after all hiding in the basement refrigerator.

 

I have a bunch of fishing shows recorded on our DVR. I love Florida keys fishing. "Into the Blue" is my favorite show. For some reason though, I wanted George Poveromo instead. I knew the episode in Islamorada was filmed in relatively calm sunny conditions, whereas the "into the Blue" episodes were all windy, wavy and violent sorts of days. I wanted the nice calm easy conditions. We watched, she actually tried to identify the fish in the opening credits. I corrected her when she got it wrong and answered her when she asked what one was. I even cracked a smile at one point. It felt very odd. At almost the same instance of the smile, I told reminded myself about why I hadn't been smiling. My wife caught the smile, and she continued to be interested and pay attention to this show that I had watched countless times before and she had never paid the slightest attention to in the past. It seemed odd.

 

This morning, I got up for work, made coffee, got dressed. Before I headed out the door I noticed my wife sitting in bed. She had that guilty look on her face that said, "I have to tell you something else, and its gonna hurt like hell, but I have to tell you." I decided to get out of dodge and head to my car and get to work before the words came to her. I do need to know, but I'd prefer to do it after work when I have the weekend to process whatever it is. I have had three nights now and I feel like I have a shot at not failing miserably at work today. I'm glad I held onto that at least.

[VeveCakes]

Hang in there and just try to enjoy your Friday, as hard as that will be.

[BetrayedH]

Try to make a connection with her tonight.

 

She has to understand that the lying is so much more of a critical problem than the content. Rip the band-aid off.

[robf1971]

"I have to tell you something else, and its gonna hurt like hell, but I have to tell you." .

 

You have no kids, my advice would be different if you had. Pack her bags for her!!

[Fishermanj]

BetrayedH,

 

That is my plan. Regardless of how it works out, I will need to know the truth or be haunted forever wondering about it. It sounds like no matter what she says though, I will never know for sure if I get the full truth. I guess at some point I will have to decide when I have enough of the truth.

 

Cheers

Fishermanj

[Just a Guy]

I am sorry to hear your story. Cheating is always such a wrench. When one marries for the first time one starts from a zero threshold. The balances are clear on both sides. However when one has to reconcile after an episode of cheating it is like starting with a handicap maybe two steps or three behind the start line for the betrayed spouse.

 

I would suggest that you invite OWL to post his comments on your thread. His advice is cast in iron and always rings true. Also he is very balanced in his suggestions. He does not beat a betrayed spouse on his head with a stick exhorting him to do one or the other thing. Best wishes to you!

[StormySeas]

Fishermanj,

 

I think that's why you're starting to get a fair bit of advice on here that this woman may not be worth fighting for, because you won't know if you have the whole truth ever. Without our son, I would never make myself continue to live through this disaster. If my husband had cheated on me during our pre-children lifetime, that would be it. I made vows, and I have to remind myself every day that I promised to love my husband regardless...but at the end of the day, the only reason that I am giving reconciliation the slightest chance is because the thought of seeing our son 40% less as a result of a divorce makes me so much sicker than even the details of the affair.

 

Do you want children? Could you have a child with your wife knowing what she's done to you? I think that I would have such a hard time with that...having kids can be very tough on a marriage. I just don't think I could bring a child into a marriage that has already been impacted by the ultimate betrayal.

 

Not that dissimilar to you, my husband and I had been trying to conceive #2 for about 7 months before I got the full truth about his affair. I'm not an incredibly religious person, but feel like there has to be a God because I can't imagine how this would have felt if I was pregnant too. So sadly for me, one of the facts about trying to reconcile is that I will only ever have one child as long as I'm with my H. I could never ever ever bring a child into a situation that I didn't feel 100% about, and I will never feel that way about my H because he cheated on me. The fact that he has been a wonderful father for the last 2 years is honestly irrelevant now. There is no way I would bring another child into this situation when I truly have no idea now if my H could have another affair in 2 years, 5 years, etc. He's shown he can do it once, which seems to indicate it would be easier to do twice, regardless of how sad/ashamed/etc. he feels right now.

 

I think you're thinking lots and doing a great job dealing with this sh**. Going to work and not letting her ruin your Friday was the right decision. Have the "come clean" discussion on your terms. Ignore all the guilty stuff she's trying to do to act like she cares right now. Just have that conversation, then spend a lot of time on your own, thinking about what you want. Go to counseling, if you think that's what you need to do to help you make a decision. You sound like the kind of guy that is going to have a hard time breaking your commitment via a divorce -- so I think if you just take your time, gather facts, think about the rest of your life, take a hard look at your marriage, etc. then when you're ready to make the decision to reconcile or move on, you will feel better about the decision because you'll know that you have tried. Simply by trying, I think you have more than honored your marital commitment. She cheated on you and that's just a fact.

[whichwayisup]

She had that guilty look on her face that said, "I have to tell you something else, and its gonna hurt like hell, but I have to tell you."

 

And there's the reason why she's been doting on you, doing chores and being so nice and attentive.

 

The bomb's about to drop..More truths. Read my earlier reply. Stick to it and make sure she knows that this is it , no more 'trickle' truths, all of it has to come out when you two talk later on.

[tornandconfused12]

I have not called his wife yet. If he hasn't told her, is it my responsibility to break up their marriage? They do have a child and just moved to Florida and his wife was having a hard time with just the Florida move. She is innocent, why should I destroy her well being?

 

FJ,

 

When I discovered my H had been having an affair with his coworker, I hesitated in contacting the OW's fiance'. However, I did and I'm very glad I did so. While I didn't enjoy being the messenger of such terrible news, this guy had a right to know what was going on in his life without his consent. Additionally, I also learned other details about what went on between my H and the OW I may not have ever found out otherwise.

 

Since then the OW's ex-fiance' has found out about several other men she was involved with at work, his cousin came clean about sleeping with her on several occasions, and now she's apparently got another one on the line, someone she met while on a recent vacation.

 

The OW in my case works but doesn't make great money (less than 25K) or otherwise nowhere near enough to support her own desired lifestyle, such as she's had with the fiance' for the last several years. He had been paying for a very high end car he bought her (he's since taken it from her), they live in a fairly expensive home (her name is on it as well ), and she basically was getting anything she wanted from him. His payback for taking care of business was having a serial cheater as a GF, eventually would-be wife. He earns a very good income and she took advantage of that left, right and center. Not to mention the trust and faith he once had in her, and deeply hurting him.

 

The OW's fiance'.....he's thanked me countless times for telling him what was going on. It encouraged him to get off his a** and snoop (he'd been a little suspicious before I made contact with him). He claims I "saved his life" and while I wouldn't go that far, in terms of some STDs I guess perhaps I did save his life.

 

Tell the MM's wife.....she deserves to know what is going on with her life. Even if she doesn't react positively to you at first, at least she knows.

[tornandconfused12]

I have not called his wife yet. If he hasn't told her, is it my responsibility to break up their marriage? They do have a child and just moved to Florida and his wife was having a hard time with just the Florida move. She is innocent, why should I destroy her well being?

 

Another thing is, affairs thrive off of secrecy, others not knowing. The more people know, the less appealing, exciting, thrilling, etc the affair is to the two involved. I blew the lid off my H's fling and while it didn't end right at that very moment, things started going downhill for them at an extremely rapid pace.

 

I say shine a very bright light on what they've done.....rot like that can't survive in the light of knowledge. Think about doing this, seriously.

[Fishermanj]

I'm still terrified of tonight. I don't know what monster awaits. God give me the strength to do this thing and keep calm and stoic in light of whatever I am going to hear.

[Owl]

She had that guilty look on her face that said, "I have to tell you something else, and its gonna hurt like hell, but I have to tell you."

 

I have a suggestion for you to consider prior to having this conversation.

 

Before she even starts, sit her down, and tell her that this is it. This is her one, last, final time to get ALL of the truth out on the table in front of you. There will be NO MORE trickle-truth from this moment on. Give her a minute to digest that.

 

If she starts to speak, ask her to stop and consider what you just said.

 

This is IT.

 

Then...look her dead in the eyes and say "OK, so now tell me the full, complete, unabridged truth".

 

Hear what she has to say, while watching her eyes and body language. Ask whatever clarifying questions you need to.

 

When she's done...look her in the eyes and ask "Is this all of it? No more surprises or things you're holding back for whatever reasons?". Again, watch the eyes and body language.

 

If at any point down the road after this she changes her story or reveals more...insist on a polygraph.

 

If during any of this she admits to anything more than what she's already described to you up to what you've heard right now...INSIST on STD testing for both of you.

[Fishermanj]

If I do get divorced, how do I even do that? I would need to keep the house. She can't afford it with what she makes (or will make with whatever job she gets). Currently both of our names are on it. How do I change that? I feel like we could split up our expenses easily enough. She has the savings in her name and she has her car in her name and paid off, her student loans are hers and mine are mine. I would prefer if it goes south, she take the savings, she take her car, she take whatever or all furniture she wants, take the dishes, take whatever she wants from the house and just go. I would keep my car, the house, and buy a boat to park in her half of the garage.

[StormySeas]

I agree with Owl. While having that conversation, you need to come across as strong and controlled. Do not react to details while she's telling you anything. Do not yell, get angry, call names, or even wince. Try to keep a straight face and just listen. This will be very tough. You will learn much more information this way though than if you just react and she clams up.

 

You have the strength, FJ. You have the strength to not only get through whatever she tells you, but the aftermath as well. You have the strength over time to figure out what you need to do.

 

We will all be thinking about you. Those of us that have been there, listening to the details, wouldn't wish that conversation on anyone. But we are trying to tell you that if this conversation hurts, having follow-up conversations where you learn more hurts so much worse. Exponentially worse. And that's why we're trying to give you some thoughts/advice on how to hopefully only have this conversation once...and it's why I'm not only going to be thinking about you, but thinking about your wife and hoping that she will have the courage to tell you everything all at once.

 

For me, it took a very real threat of a polygraph and a conversation with the OW to finally learn everything. It took me praising my husband's courage to tell me when the details started coming out to learn more (that was hard to do -- but I knew that he was on the edge of clamming back up). I wish I'd done it weeks before, it would've saved me a few up/downs on the roller coaster.

[StormySeas]

Try not to worry about the details of divorce right now. But if you need the very simple answer -- your assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage would likely get split down the middle. Through mediation (if you were both willing to go), you would have the opportunity to negotiate...if I keep the car, worth $x, you get $x more in savings or something else worth the same amount or whatever. If she can't keep the house and would be willing to acknowledge that, you would either sell it or you would keep it and whatever equity in the house would be part of the assets that you acquire. But all of that assumes a fairly rational situation...as we all know, divorce can be far from a rational process.

 

But seriously...this is so not worth bothering your already cluttered mind with right now. Focus on tonight. Then focus on the information you get tonight. Then start worrying about everything else once you've had time to process it all.

[carhill]

My sympathies.

 

Fear is a natural response. It's normal. It can be a motivator if directed in a healthy way.

 

If you had to choose only one positive action to perform for yourself this weekend, what would it be? Something which would respect your fear, assuage it, and impel you to feel more positive about a very difficult situation. This is called putting yourself first. Just one thing. You choose.

 

There are a lot of seconds, minutes and hours in each day. They come, one by one. Your marriage won't be fixed or ended in a second, a minute, an hour or a day. The maelstrom of the moment will settle out over time, though it might not feel that way now.

 

If you need help processing this stuff, interview an IC and get a professional's perspective. Remember, one moment at a time. Good luck.

[drifter777]

If I do get divorced, how do I even do that? I would need to keep the house. She can't afford it with what she makes (or will make with whatever job she gets). Currently both of our names are on it. How do I change that? I feel like we could split up our expenses easily enough. She has the savings in her name and she has her car in her name and paid off, her student loans are hers and mine are mine. I would prefer if it goes south, she take the savings, she take her car, she take whatever or all furniture she wants, take the dishes, take whatever she wants from the house and just go. I would keep my car, the house, and buy a boat to park in her half of the garage.

 

 

Try not to let your mind jump to "how do I get divorced" just yet. If it comes to that you'll find it's pretty simple without children.

 

You are going to hear things from her tonight that will make you sick, angry, hurt, disgusted - pretty much everything bad. When she's all done coming clean, know that she is still lying. She will tell you only what she believes she HAS TO TELL YOU! There are things that happened that only she and OM know, and she can safely withhold and/or deny lots of details. No matter what you do you cannot truly prepare yourself emotionally for what you are going to hear. You also cannot predict how you are going to react. I would recommend that you be prepared to put some physical distance between you and wife for a while after her revelations. This gets you away from the manipulation, blaming, and gaslighting she is doing to you in order to minimize her cheating. When you are away from her influence you will be able to think more clearly about how you want your life to proceed from this point.

 

You are stunned right now and in a state of emotional shock. You need to find a counselor as soon as possible and start working to heal yourself. You also need to stop comforting your wife when she breaks down with "shame". Her crying is pure manipulation, and you are falling for it. You did not deserve this. She chose to betray you. You need to be selfish right now and take care of yourself.

[Fishermanj]

I do feel for her when she cries, but I have not touched her since I learned about what happened. I still haven't been able to stop myself from responding when she tells me she loves me though. Honesty is my greatest strength and apparently my biggest weakness. I can't hide it I may need to do something. I sent her out of the house the past two nights so that I could process. Maybe she needs to stay at her moms or cousins place this weekend.

[BetrayedH]

Sending you some strength, FJ.

 

Do yourself a favor and read Owl's post 10 times before you talk with her tonight. I think you should tell her that you obviously love her or you wouldn't be here now. But that the hardest thing for her to rebuild is trust. That means total and complete honesty for life. Her story makes no sense and you don't believe it. You want 100% of the truth right here, right now or you're done. If she can finally and totally come clean then there's a chance that you can work together on how to fix the marriage. Talk about trickle-truth if you must; it's so damn common and predictable that it gets it own term. From what I have seen, it kills more marriages than the affairs do because the BS can never trust the WS again. The sex is hard enough to deal with but the lies have to go. She needs to be done with the lies and have enough respect for you to come clean with the truth.

 

And I also agree with then respectfully putting some distance between the two of you tonight. One of you go somewhere.

 

Wishing you strength and courage.

Edited November 2, 2012 by BetrayedH

[Fishermanj]

I appreciate all of your support. I am trying to complete my time sheet and can't even focus on it long enough to put in the first thing I worked on this week. I am glad to have all of this advice. It keeps me sane knowing I have a plan. I was able to eat a hot dog for lunch although I have hit the bathroom about five times today because I can tell you my system is not functioning correctly. Odd how this stress has such a physical aspect to it. Pretty sure I will have lost 5-10 pounds by the end of this week solely from a lack of appetite.

[drifter777]

Just waiting the thing out today has to be torture. Putting it off maybe wasn't a good idea, but I totally understand that it was more of an animal reaction than a well thought-out plan. Why don't you meet her at home right now and get all of this out in the open once and for all?

 

I know it doesn't help much, but everything you are feeling right now is a typical response right after D-day.

[Fishermanj]

I am terrified to walk through that door. I am remembering what it was like walking through the door after the first night she told me and I went for a walk in the storm. Nothing good will come from it, at least not right away. I know I have to face this, but man does it suck. I'm heading home now.