Tara247 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I won't drink. I only drink during the good times. It seems to have the effect of magnification for me. If sad, it makes me extremely so, if happy, extremely so as well. Therefore, I only drink when I'm feeling good already. I am going for a 7 mile run today. I run a half marathon each year, so need to keep up with it. My digestive system seems to be functioning better today, which is good because I need to hold down some food for the run. Schedule both a STD and a polygraph test. Like someone said on here, she'll probably spit out the truth in the car on the way to taking the Polygraph. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Interesting that adultery is the one time in the bible where divorce is permitted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Bethebutterfly, I thank you for your prayers. If there is one thing I have learned so far through this in hindsight, it is this... People really are imperfect. The person you love most is capable of falling short in a way you could never imagine. Your analogy of the chocolate is a fair one. Everyone, including your husband, has a piece of chocolate out there. There is some temptation that will be so great that he may not overcome it no matter how strong of character you believe he has. The same goes for you. In my case, I never thought my wife would contemplate the action she took. What I was unaware of was that she was in contact with him 10-12 hours a day for work, going away together on trips for work every 3-4 weeks, and rather than just working they were investing energy in a relationship with each other over a period of months that should have been reserved for their spouses. I wish I saw the signs before it was too late. I recommend that even though you trust each other fully, keep an honest person honest and request that they leave the path of temptation. If your husband is working closely with another woman for long days, demand that he find a different position. Some measure of jealousy is not all that bad of a feeling, especially if it prevents him from eating that chocolate. It also will keep him feeling desired if not overdone. I actively tried not to show jealousy and instead only support for my wife in her career. I didn't tell her about my concerns because I thought it would show a distrust. Hind sight, it's a wicked thing emotionally because you can't change the past. It will help the future though. Cheers Fishermanj 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 BetrayedH, I brought that to my wife's attention as well. Although it is permitted, it is not mandated. I will certainly be thinking a lot about it. Cheers Fishermanj Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 In the end, as I said before, my commitment was to my wife AND God. My wife broke her vow, yes, but so far I have no idea what God's plan is for me. In the end, that is what will matter to me. Bullcrap. You are using God and commitment to act in weakness. Show me anywhere in the Bible where it says God has 'a plan' or 'a will' for your life and I'll never post again. YOU have a mind and an intellect to decipher and decide how you'll react. Don't put your fear at God's feet and claim you're waiting for further instructions. You already have them. YOU move to God. He doesn't move to you. YOU move towards The Body, the Church, which is Christ. It doesn't come to you and take you over. This is control and God doesn't control us. This is evil modern doctrine. Crap. My opinion of course. But I believe it and can prove it through scripture. This mindset isn't helping you or her. It's making it worse. She does wrong and you allow it, claiming commitment. I'm not saying to take her behind the house and stone her, or even hate her. You can divorce, let go and move on with your life...a life free of worry, wonder, and the burden of question. These things eat away at us and waste life. They destroy productivity. Base your decisions on actions, not words! Words are cheap. Who knows? Maybe you'll get back together someday. I know of a couple that were divorced for five-years then re-married. That lasted over 40-years before he passed away. He cheated, she sent him packing. He told me if she hasn't done that, he certainly would have cheated again...because he knew she'd 'forgive' him. Her actions made him realize what he had...and lost. When he got that second chance, he embraced it for all he was worth. He respected her. No respect, no love. You might read this and reject, because you're programmed. Think harder. In the end, it is your choice. Be wise. Break the pattern of failure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Well, he doesn't have to divorce her if he doesn't want to. However, I would insist on that polygraph test. Chances are extremely slim that he didn't insert his penis into her instead of his fingers. That doesn't even make sense to me. I'm surprised that you would believe that, Fisherman. That's where I think you are being weak. What harm is it in making her take the polygraph? You need to do that for your own piece of mind. You know she is lying too. You're just afraid to admit it. Also, you need to schedule STD tests, if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I got done with my run. In the middle of it, beasty boys "sabotage" came on the iPhone. I had this weird feeling of freedom for a moment, followed by feeling guilt for feeling free, followed by reminding myself it was ok to feel free at this moment. It was odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I agree with your basis regarding the idea of 'enabling' my wife. I have thought about that. It reminded me of my dads alcoholism. My mom wanted him to stop drinking so badly when they were together. He never did, they got divorced. He went on and off the wagon over the years until he finally found himself in the hospital with liver problems. He was about to lose his job. We (his kids) had pretty much given up talking to him altogether. At that moment he finally quit for good. That was almost 10 years ago now. My dad is a completely different person now. It took him hitting rock bottom to effect change in him. Divorce in itself was not enough. However, divorce was part of it. If she had never divorced him, I doubt he ever would have reached bottom and never would have changed. I do worry that if I stay with my wife she would feel enabled enough to do it again. That is certainly a fear I have. My mom never got the best part of my dad because she had to leave for it to have a chance to form in him. That was a sad double standard for my mom. She was damned if she did and damned if she don't. It was never fair for her. I do wonder if the same will happen here. I may have to go that route to effect change. I really don't know yet though. I fantasize about having the best part of my wife and do wonder if it is yet to come. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Well, he doesn't have to divorce her if he doesn't want to. However, I would insist on that polygraph test. Chances are extremely slim that he didn't insert his penis into her instead of his fingers. That doesn't even make sense to me. I'm surprised that you would believe that, Fisherman. That's where I think you are being weak. What harm is it in making her take the polygraph? You need to do that for your own piece of mind. You know she is lying too. You're just afraid to admit it. Also, you need to schedule STD tests, if you haven't already. Does it even make a difference? I mean I consider a kiss cheating, so even fingering my girlfriend would be way out of the question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I feel sorry for you, Fisherman. You're weak and your wife knows you're weak. She's taking advantage of that for her own best interest. She makes you grill cheese sandwiches and pays attention to a couple of your fishing shows, and she knows you will forgive her. She f*cked her boss in that hotel room, there is no way that she didn't. But, you will never know that because you won't insist on the Polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
rn0408 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Fisherman, Divorce her..I bet you will win. Nothing is more emotionally damaging to a girl who cheats when they are all alone by themselves with nobody to hold on to in the long run...maybe she has Borderline Personality Disorder and you never knew it...abandonment will destory them inside. Your story seems like she might have BPD which is a man's worst nightmare. Your boss will get rid of her after hitting and quitting and maybe fire her I'll tell you a story about Karma. A guy I work with was the biggest player (I'm cool with him and was in undergrad). He would hit and quit girls all the time and he finally found a girl and was going to marry her for the money. Her dad mom and dad said no and they don't want her to marry trash and poor white trash boy who makes nothing, and the girl who he was going to marry put him in his place and said she makes more than him and he's not worth the time... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Bullcrap. You are using God and commitment to act in weakness. Show me anywhere in the Bible where it says God has 'a plan' or 'a will' for your life and I'll never post again. YOU have a mind and an intellect to decipher and decide how you'll react. Don't put your fear at God's feet and claim you're waiting for further instructions. You already have them. YOU move to God. He doesn't move to you. YOU move towards The Body, the Church, which is Christ. It doesn't come to you and take you over. This is control and God doesn't control us. This is evil modern doctrine. Crap. My opinion of course. But I believe it and can prove it through scripture. . Boy, that's helping..attacking a man's faith during this time. Why don't you actually try and help this man instead of spouting your culty hate. Fisherman..my advice, get off of this forum..the devil and evil lurks here Edited November 3, 2012 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. Sounds like this is what she wanted to tell you yesterday but lost her nerve. Or did you find out some other way? Anyway, I guess this means the trickle-truths are starting. I'm sad to tell you that this is only the beginning of the torture if you stay. We all feel for you and send you prayers and good thoughts. Listen to your heart - I believe that's how God speaks to us. As soon as you are able to compose yourself you need to tell the OM's wife. And please find a counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. What? Did I miss a post? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fishermanj Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I told her to get out of the house. I need my space. I found out because I asked her to write everything that happened down, all the details. Once she was done, I asked her to email it to me. She did, and it explains what happened. Of course it includes all the crap about how I was falling short as well. Her justification for what she did I guess. She at least got it off her chest. It should help her feel better while I go through the $hit. No matter what happens, the reality sucks. No matter what I'm screwed. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I told her to get out of the house. I need my space. I found out because I asked her to write everything that happened down, all the details. Once she was done, I asked her to email it to me. She did, and it explains what happened. Of course it includes all the crap about how I was falling short as well. Her justification for what she did I guess. She at least got it off her chest. It should help her feel better while I go through the $hit. No matter what happens, the reality sucks. No matter what I'm screwed. It's the worst feeling when you learn the truth, but as much as it hurts, you can now make the decisions you need to do based on the truth. So sorry for the pain your going through...is there anyone you can talk to, a friend, a close family member. Link to post Share on other sites
rn0408 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. Good! She's trash..hopefully she didn't give you anything. Link to post Share on other sites
StormySeas Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I'm sorry, FJ. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Saba Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Having some space sounds like a great idea. Reinforcing the idea that you can make it on your own will help you make better choices. Try not to make decisions based on fear or anger. Take your time and try to remind yourself that nothing that you did made her cheat. There are ways to deal with problems that come up in a relationship and cheating is not one of them. She cheated because of something in her and not because of you. Although I can feel your pain in your posts you do seem to be very strong. Put your needs first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. You do. Then you can forget about that part. I was tested when asked to give blood for a sick relative. The question of my martial status came up when they were updating my file. They asked if any martial unfaithfulness occurred and when I answered yes, they took a sample. That was on a Thursday. I had to wait until Monday for the results. That was a long weekend. If it's any consolation, what you're going through now is the worst part, IMO. Once you decide what you want and what you don't want, the trend begins to rise. It's indecision and living in limbo that keeps you in pain. That said, she's not done. You seem intelligent. Measure words carefully. Once again, no kids makes this much, much easier for you. I know it hurts, but this can be a positive if you handle it correctly. Your tone and attitude are good. Demand better than this. Hang in there. Eat well. Rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. Twice?! Well, we told you she was still lying. Now, you know what kind of wife and marriage you really have. I'm really sorry. And YES! you need to get tested right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I told her to get out of the house. I need my space. I found out because I asked her to write everything that happened down, all the details. Once she was done, I asked her to email it to me. She did, and it explains what happened. Of course it includes all the crap about how I was falling short as well. Her justification for what she did I guess. She at least got it off her chest. It should help her feel better while I go through the $hit. No matter what happens, the reality sucks. No matter what I'm screwed. I hope she isn't ridiculous enough to tell you the other men she screwed used just their "fingers" on her. I'm curious: How did she say you "fell short"? Did she say you didn't give her enough attention? Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Gut told me there was more to the story. So sorry FJ, I was hoping I was wrong. Stay strong amigo. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 It happened twice before in the last couple months. I guess now I need to get tested. This makes it much more than a momentary lapse in judgement. This was ongoing adultery. I'm done. I can't do this. Ouch, I'm sorry that she did this to you. DO get tested and I pray that your tests all come back clean. No need to rush into a decision now, though some truly can't forgive an affair. It's just pure selfishness on the WS's behalf. She needs to quit her job, that's a start. And, it's time to talk to MM's wife, I can't remember if you did or not. Link to post Share on other sites
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