My wife cheated on me with her boss

[2sunny]

And that is you - YOUR COMMITMENT.

 

It may be time to acknowledge that your wife took that vow too - that agreement - yet she has not honored it.

 

And looks like she's still not honoring it - even by communicating at all with her OM... That's still betraying you - actively.

[Fishermanj]

I don't think those messages betrayed me. She offered to quit right when she told me, mail her computer and cut ties. I told her to put in her two weeks. It's a small company and her departure will affect the other staff greatly that did nothing wrong. She reminded him to stay on task, they were only working out the details of her termination, within the bounds of what I asked her to do.

 

Fishermanj

[Fishermanj]

Wife made an appointment with a counselor for us today. Details of the appointment to be determined tomorrow. Seems odd, like they should have an emergency room for people going through this rather than appointments some time in what seems like a distant future for us.

[2sunny]

He asks how she's doing - and she responded "terrible"

 

If she was keeping a solid boundary - I'd say she shouldn't be revealing "anything" emotional to him at all... Yet she did!

 

Why is she shopping for furniture? Is she moving?

[Steen719]

I did press her and I told that I know that she is still hiding information and lying about the details. I asked her "what truth have you left out?" And she responded " I don't know how to answer that." I know that she saw me squirm when she let loose the part about them being naked, so there very well could be more that I am missing.

 

That is pretty concerning to me. If I had cheated and my H asked me what else I had left out (and I had not left out anything), I would jump to reassure him that I had not left anything out. I would tell him that over and over and make sure he knew that I was sincere. Her answer is odd, unless of course, she was lying to you.

 

The day before, she and he were discussing beach houses for vacation? I guess that is what this meant. Could it be that she knew she might get blown in by the OM's wife - maybe she found out?

 

You seem like such a nice guy and sincere and it is obvious that you want to save your marriage. I am not saying you can't, but you want it so much that you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position to be hurt even more greatly when you discover the actual truth.

 

Could her emails be benign right now because she has figured out that you are looking. I mean, I would figure if I had been emailing another man & my H knew it, I would figure that he would be looking.

 

You need the truth to start working on your marriage. Just from what you have written, you have not gotten it yet. You probably think everyone here is just bitter, and of course some of us are, but the better and more truthful explanation is that we have seen many times that the first "truth" is not all there is. The real truth comes in stages and that is if you are lucky and really ever find out what has been going on.

 

Good luck. Find someone you are good friends with and talk to them. You need some support. Call them if they are long distance, but good friends. I could not have made it without friends.

[Bryanp]

She cheated on you and you have been married only 3 years.

 

Cheater rarely give the entire truth. They were naked and fooling around in a hotel room bed after drinking wine. If she was willing to be naked then why would she not have sex with him/ You need to do the following:

1. Schedule a polygraph.

2. Both of you get tested for STD's.

 

Cheating into the 3 year of your marriage pretty much says it all. Good luck.

[Fishermanj]

Of course at this moment, my mind is going a thousand miles a minute. My big questions are " what happens next?" Does any marriage get through this? Anyone have a success story? The online therapists all seem to think it is possible to make it to the other side somehow. Regardless of the likelihood of any one relationship holding together, does anyone have a success story?

 

Any way this ends, am I going to be on this site for years to come trying to help others with this pain? Will I ever be able to let this go whether I stay or go in the relationship? Will I ever be able to move forward and be happy?

 

Cheers

Fishermanj

[Fishermanj]

And, I'm not sure if you all remember d-day as vividly now (I hope to God you don't), but what about the physical pain. When does that go away? The knot in my throat, the funky heartbeats, the shortness of breath. When does that stop?

[Fishermanj]

I hope to god I don't need to get tested. Honestly, I thought my wife and I were having a lul in our relationship. She was complaining about the status quo of it and we hadn't had sex in about 3 weeks before her trip. They would not have been together before that since early September. If there are more lies, I hope to uncover those. I hope to hell he was not infected as well since he was also married with a child.

 

Fishermanj

[Furious]

Of course at this moment, my mind is going a thousand miles a minute. My big questions are " what happens next?" Does any marriage get through this? Anyone have a success story? The online therapists all seem to think it is possible to make it to the other side somehow. Regardless of the likelihood of any one relationship holding together, does anyone have a success story?

 

Any way this ends, am I going to be on this site for years to come trying to help others with this pain? Will I ever be able to let this go whether I stay or go in the relationship? Will I ever be able to move forward and be happy?

 

 

Cheers

Fishermanj

 

It's over a year since my d-day. I feel your shock and how your heart and mind are racing.

 

 

Please take a deep breath...breathe in and out, and try to, even if it's for five minutes at a time, to not think about anything but your own breathing.

 

Tell yourself you will take it one day at time, that you will try to remain as

calm as possible, that you must take care of yourself. If you can't eat drink lots of water and when you can eat as healthy as possible.

 

My husband and I are reconciling, it has been a difficult year to put it lightly,

but we're getting there one step at a time and rebuilding our lives.

 

 

These next few weeks and months are going to be tough, you will be riding a rough roller coaster. Listen to your gut and do what is best for you at this time. You are just beginning to piece things together, sort through lies and trickle truth. Until you are satisfied you have all the truth only then will you be able to decide if you want to save your marriage.

 

Right now, you must do what's best for you, before you make any long term decisions.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Furious

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Only your wife should get tested for STDs. If she's positive, then you get tested.

 

Realize that it's just about a certainty that she had sex with the other man. She is holding it back because she saw how you reacted. If you keep pushing her on it, you will see that she will eventually cave and admit to it. Tell her that her story does not make sense and that you can't get over it until you can make sense of it. Stick with the questioning. Don't quit until you get the truth. Just tell her you need to hear it from her. Tell her you don't believe that they both could be naked and not do something sexual and you are going to require her to take a polygraph in order for you to consider reconciling with her. Don't be fooled when she looks you in the eyes and sincerely tells you that nothing else happened. Trust me, she will crack and you will get the truth if you keep it up and insist that you need to hear the truth before you can reconcile. Ask her if she will take a polygraph if you need her to so you can be sure you have the truth. Also ask if she will call the other man and tell him that she told you the whole truth, but she wants him to tell you what happened to verify her story.

 

The story of not having sex is theortically possible but not believable.

 

Then again, maybe it doesn't matter to you whether or not she had sex with him and you're happy with her just keeping that lie to herself as long as she is sorry for what she did and wants to work it out with you.

 

Based on the messages between them that you were allowed to see, it seems that she had a pretty emotional relationship with this guy, the way they were talking about the beach houses they'd like to share. I'm fairly certain that some inappropriate sexual or romantic comments were exchanged between the two.

 

You should take this guy up on his offer to just give her the two weeks severance and stop having contact with him. Unless your wife truly doesn't know you are spying on her and you want to see if anything else comes out that you don't know about. I also think that you should contact the other man's wife to make sure that she got told the truth. She deserves to know and you also might find out some details you don't know about. My guess is that other man didn't tell her a thing.

 

It will get better once you have the whole truth and it all makes sense, after your wife explains how it got started, what it was that allowed her to make that giant leap from thinking about sex with him to actually getting naked and having sex with him. Drunk or not.

 

Unless she was passed out drunk and he raped her, wine and "drunk" is not an excuse. I got drunk and came home and ate a whole bag of potato chips. I could have eaten a plain head of lettuce instead of the potato chips but I don't really like plain lettuce. I do like potato chips. If your wife didn't like this guy or have some feeling for him, she would not have gotten naked and had sex with him.

 

The pain will lessen with time and as you can see your wife is saying and doing things to reassure you and make you feel better, letting you see all her communications, letting you know where she is at all times, letting your read all messages, not deleting any, blocking and deleting other man from all her accounts and her life and renouncing him to you. As time passes and this continues, the pain will decrease. I don't think it will ever go away completely. Whenever you attend a wedding and hear the bride and groom making their vows, whenever you hear people talk about faithfulness or infidelity in marriage, you will remember that your wife cheated on you.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[BetrayedH]

I think your wife has stopped the affair and is remorseful but is still lying to you about the extent of the affair. She is scared and in damage control mode. I would consider speaking with the other betrayed wife. I would be interesting to hear any discrepancy in the stories.

 

I understand your faithfulness to your vows. One question...are you prepared to continue to stay married to a person that is still actively lying to your face? She said to you, "I don't know how to answer that?" How about with some honesty for once?

[BetrayedH]

The interesting thing about the polygraph is that they don't even have to work. The classic situation is that the betrayed spouse schedules it and the wayward spouse spills the beans on the way there (or at least some of the beans). Remarkable how many times I've heard that. The suggestion is to make sure that you still follow-thru with the polygraph after they do this. There's always one more piece of truth you don't know. Seeing how much they are willing to keep lying to you is a real eye-opener when it comes to your decision to reconcile or divorce. And not knowing the truth can drive you insane.

[2sunny]

Your willingness to forgo ALL of your happiness FOR HER is completely UNHEALTHY!

 

Get to counseling! All on your own! You need to work on a HEALTHY boundary and good BALANCE!

 

You should be invoking CONSEQUENCES yet you aren't doing a thing!

 

Call the guys wife!

 

Make her quit NOW! You allowed her to work two MORE weeks when SHE offered to quit? Sheez, get some boundaries dude!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I tired to read her messages, and although she gave me permission, she also told me that she had deleted the messages leading up to it. So no emails or messages helped show me truth.

 

When did she delete the messages? As they were sent? After supposedly only getting naked and not having sex and before telling you? After telling you?

 

And why did she delete them?

[2sunny]

Do you realize she's out shopping and communicating with her lover while you are spying and distraught?

 

Do you see what's wrong with this scenario?

[whichwayisup]

I hope to god I don't need to get tested. Honestly, I thought my wife and I were having a lul in our relationship. She was complaining about the status quo of it and we hadn't had sex in about 3 weeks before her trip. They would not have been together before that since early September. If there are more lies, I hope to uncover those. I hope to hell he was not infected as well since he was also married with a child.

 

Fishermanj

 

There's your trump card. I pray your health is okay and she didn't pass on something to you ... but, use this to YOUR advantage. Bluntly tell her, "I am about to be tested for STD's, you better tell me right now the full truth. This is your last shot at confessing it ALL, and I mean everything. I listen, you talk - Then I ask questions and you damn well answer them honestly. This is your ONE chance to come clean and if you can do that, even if it hurts me to hear, you have a better chance of me wanting to save this marriage. IF YOU LIE and I find out you did lie later on, your chance of me wanting to save the marriage is out the window."

 

Scare her. Let her know what she is going to lose.

 

Oh and obviously she has to quit her job.

 

Think about telling her boss's wife too.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Steadfast]

Any way this ends, am I going to be on this site for years to come trying to help others with this pain? Will I ever be able to let this go whether I stay or go in the relationship? Will I ever be able to move forward and be happy?

 

There are many things worse than contributing to this forum. There are few things worse than being married to a cheater. Moving forward and living a happy life is dependent on you and you alone. Do you want those things? Really want them? Do not confuse fear with love. Or with honor.

 

I have taken a hard stand on this issue, partly because life is too short to waste on someone who willingly chooses to bring you pain. It wasn't a mistake and it wasn't an accident. It wasn't a moment of weakness. No matter what and no matter what is said, she decided this. She wanted it.

 

In my opinion, it's a different story when children are involved. If both parties are (at least) willing to try, then they should. For the sake of the family and those innocent in any measure of the marriage breakdown.

 

Right now, instead of bellyaching about her cheating and your physical / emotional pain, you should be on your knees thanking God no children are involved. You are in a select minority. Don't blow this! Few people get a second chance at happiness without worrying about misplaced (or displaced) children.

 

No matter how you feel, the smart thing is cut bait. Divorce. Your vows are meaningless because she broke them, and the marriage. She did sleep with him and you know it. Therefore, there's no reason to spy, snoop, GPS, attend MC or any of that bull$hit. You know more than you need to know.

 

There ARE good women. Women who are empowered by faithfulness, not restricted by it. Women who love their husbands do not sleep with other men. It is impossible to wipe your feet all over the person you swore you'd honor and protect. Life is too short for this friend. Take your life back.

[BetrayedH]

There are many things worse than contributing to this forum. There are few things worse than being married to a cheater. Moving forward and living a happy life is dependent on you and you alone. Do you want those things? Really want them? Do not confuse fear with love. Or with honor.

 

I have taken a hard stand on this issue, partly because life is too short to waste on someone who willingly chooses to bring you pain. It wasn't a mistake and it wasn't an accident. It wasn't a moment of weakness. No matter what and no matter what is said, she decided this. She wanted it.

 

In my opinion, it's a different story when children are involved. If both parties are (at least) willing to try, then they should. For the sake of the family and those innocent in any measure of the marriage breakdown.

 

Right now, instead of bellyaching about her cheating and your physical / emotional pain, you should be on your knees thanking God no children are involved. You are in a select minority. Don't blow this! Few people get a second chance at happiness without worrying about misplaced (or displaced) children.

 

No matter how you feel, the smart thing is cut bait. Divorce. Your vows are meaningless because she broke them, and the marriage. She did sleep with him and you know it. Therefore, there's no reason to spy, snoop, GPS, attend MC or any of that bull$hit. You know more than you need to know.

 

There ARE good women. Women who are empowered by faithfulness, not restricted by it. Women who love their husbands do not sleep with other men. It is impossible to wipe your feet all over the person you swore you'd honor and protect. Life is too short for this friend. Take your life back.

 

Something to seriously consider.

[Fishermanj]

I am thankful that no children are involved. Honestly, that is one of my concerns. We were talking about having children. She had even stopped birth control for over a year. Ironically, a week before this trip, she went back on the pill. Over the year or more we were trying, we never conceived. Maybe this was God's plan.

[robf1971]

Call the guys wife!!

 

He hasn't done this yet????!!! unbelievable

 

Stop being so scared of her reaction, if she doesn't like it tough ****

[Tara247]

You should have let her be a stay-at-home wife and mother. She didn't want to put the kids in daycare, so you had no right to demand that she keep working. Other than that, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Fishermanj]

Tara,

 

We don't have kids. When she brought up being a stay at home wife, I told her essentially that if we had kids, I would be happy and prefer for her to stay at home. Without kids, I felt it was somewhat unfair for me to be working and her to stay at home and ....? Do nothing?

[Fishermanj]

He hasn't done this yet????!!! unbelievable

 

Stop being so scared of her reaction, if she doesn't like it tough ****

 

I have not called his wife yet. If he hasn't told her, is it my responsibility to break up their marriage? They do have a child and just moved to Florida and his wife was having a hard time with just the Florida move. She is innocent, why should I destroy her well being?

[Tara247]

Tara,

 

We don't have kids. When she brought up being a stay at home wife, I told her essentially that if we had kids, I would be happy and prefer for her to stay at home. Without kids, I felt it was somewhat unfair for me to be working and her to stay at home and ....? Do nothing?

 

Ok, thanks, I understand. I read your story and I too say that she needs to give you the truth as to what actually happened in that hotel room. By her saying, "I don't know how to answer that", you know it was more than what she told you. You can't move forward with a lie by omission. First thing, get the whole truth out of her.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with her finishing out those two weeks a work.