My wife cheated on me with her boss

[whichwayisup]

I told her to get out of the house. I need my space. I found out because I asked her to write everything that happened down, all the details. Once she was done, I asked her to email it to me. She did, and it explains what happened. Of course it includes all the crap about how I was falling short as well. Her justification for what she did I guess. She at least got it off her chest. It should help her feel better while I go through the $hit. No matter what happens, the reality sucks. No matter what I'm screwed.

 

She blamed you for her choice to screw another man? WTF.

 

yes, you are partially responsible for problems/issues in the marriage, but NOT her choice in cheating. She did that all own her! Nobody held a gun to her head and said "cheat!".

 

Good for you for kicking her out of the house. Wait, you said 'get out,' not 'kick out'. Does this mean she'll stay at a friends house or someone in her family's for a few days or weeks?

 

Yeah don't you be the one to leave the house.

 

Sorry again that you're going through this.

[BetrayedH]

The TT is a killer. Had to lie during the affair; had to lie about it when she confessed; had to lie about it being intercourse (I hope we're not believing that lie still); had to lie about it being ongoing. It amazes me everytime even though it is so predictable. If she had just told the guy everything from the get go, it would have hurt him just as much but now he'll be lucky to ever believe another word from her mouth. Freakin' awful.

 

I'm wondering if the other BW discovered the affair on her end and this was all damage control. I bet the BW said that either she confessed or the BW was going to tell. All this lying **** is what makes the marriage irrecoverable. It's a damn shame.

[Fishermanj]

The twice before was still the same guy. There was a work trip to Australia. I guess it happened there, and again on a trip to San Francisco. It had apparently become a habit for the last two months. Meet up for work, cheat on their spouses, go home. Three times they did it to us.

[Fishermanj]

I am a catholic boy, but I still had a good time in my twenties. If the women are still like they were then, I know what I am in for. I never wanted that though. I was happy married.

[drifter777]

Thank God you don't have kids. She's still lying but at this point who cares? Find a counselor. Take care of yourself.

[BetrayedH]

The twice before was still the same guy. There was a work trip to Australia. I guess it happened there, and again on a trip to San Francisco. It had apparently become a habit for the last two months. Meet up for work, cheat on their spouses, go home. Three times they did it to us.

 

I wouldn't believe it was three times. Is she still maintaining some kind of "no intercourse" story? That part is most certainly complete crap.

 

What are you going to do about talking to the betrayed wife in Florida?

[BetrayedH]

I am a catholic boy, but I still had a good time in my twenties. If the women are still like they were then, I know what I am in for. I never wanted that though. I was happy married.

 

You will be happy again. This is painful either way but once you get decisive about moving on, you'll start looking forward to it. It's hard to get much lower than you are now. There's no option but for things to improve.

 

Sorry for the loss of your marriage. It's a very hard thing to get over. You really are fortunate that children aren't involved. That makes every step a thousand times more difficult. I still have to deal with my ex very routinely over the kids. If I never saw her again, it would be too soon. To be honest, I'm jealous of your position. Just saying, it could be worse.

[2sunny]

Her trying to place blame on you is completely unacceptable!

 

She is responsible for what SHE did!

 

I'm real sorry - but stay strong! You need to be making good decisions.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The twice before was still the same guy. There was a work trip to Australia. I guess it happened there, and again on a trip to San Francisco. It had apparently become a habit for the last two months. Meet up for work, cheat on their spouses, go home. Three times they did it to us.

 

Why would she come to me to confess, then not tell me the whole truth? That's what most betrayed spouses logically think. The problem is, the cheater is being motivated by fear - fear of the stigma of exposure to family and friends and being labeled a cheater, fear of losing the marriage - so they lie and minimize. It happens every time. EVERY TIME.

 

As far as three times and no intercourse over the last two months, I think you probably already know those are minimizations and lies.

 

As someone else posted previously, I wonder why she confessed to you in the first place. Did the other man's wife find out and was about to expose to you, so your wife had to come clean? Is other man's wife really the one behind your wife's "decision" to leave her job? Or is other man's wife still in the dark, with him never having told her.

 

The truth is out there, but it's almost a certainty that you don't have it. Maybe never will. The lies and trickle truth are the real killers of any reconciliation. Pushing further and questioning details over and over likely will bring out more information that was conveniently omitted from what she's already told you.

 

I recommend telling the other man's wife what you know. She deserves to know. Many betrayed spouses hesitate to "hurt an innocent party" or "break up a family." To me, that's an erroneous way of thinking. The problem is already there, you are not the one who's doing the hurting, the other man was. Not telling the betrayed spouse about the cheating is like not telling someone they have cancer. The problem is already there, whether you tell them or not, but if you don't tell them, they won't have knowledge to take appropriate actions to heal it or cut it out.

[rn0408]

Why would she come to me to confess, then not tell me the whole truth? That's what most betrayed spouses logically think. The problem is, the cheater is being motivated by fear - fear of the stigma of exposure to family and friends and being labeled a cheater, fear of losing the marriage - so they lie and minimize. It happens every time. EVERY TIME.

 

As far as three times and no intercourse over the last two months, I think you probably already know those are minimizations and lies.

 

As someone else posted previously, I wonder why she confessed to you in the first place. Did the other man's wife find out and was about to expose to you, so your wife had to come clean? Is other man's wife really the one behind your wife's "decision" to leave her job? Or is other man's wife still in the dark, with him never having told her.

 

The truth is out there, but it's almost a certainty that you don't have it. Maybe never will. The lies and trickle truth are the real killers of any reconciliation. Pushing further and questioning details over and over likely will bring out more information that was conveniently omitted from what she's already told you.

 

I recommend telling the other man's wife what you know. She deserves to know. Many betrayed spouses hesitate to "hurt an innocent party" or "break up a family." To me, that's an erroneous way of thinking. The problem is already there, you are not the one who's doing the hurting, the other man was. Not telling the betrayed spouse about the cheating is like not telling someone they have cancer. The problem is already there, whether you tell them or not, but if you don't tell them, they won't have knowledge to take appropriate actions to heal it or cut it out.

 

I agree, tell the man's wife so he gets his as well. The Boss and your wife fisherman are losers...expose them and rip their souls out.

 

I have had girls hit on me and want to mess around that have boyfriends and some are my friends. I tell my friends or the boyfriends immediately so they don't have to deal with trash in the long run.

[standtall]

I agree, tell the man's wife so he gets his as well. The Boss and your wife fisherman are losers...expose them and rip their souls out.

 

 

Is all about vengeance or are we trying to help this guy?

[Anoidtoo]

Hi FishermanJ,

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started at least 10years ago (around 4 years into our marriage) and I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love and we have two lovely children together. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she had no reason to travel and or have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back when that day she told me:

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and it so happen that same day she had a work function to attend (which happens every now and then). That day she got back home past 11pm at night and took a long shower, she usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there!! (And besides that, who would have been that someone unless it's someone she's very close to!) She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and out of the blue, something urged me to check her mini phone book. I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members, close friends contacts that I'm aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it. This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and we proceed with our family routing ( to me our start of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs now,she does attend Medical functions where they get to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. What she told me is that often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain them with drinks,meals etc., to get in their good books so that they sell their products. I put two and two together as my wife is very attractive, tall with thick long blond hair, a great body.. it is obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for some reason she kept his contact, (still not appropriate, business contacts should be kept at work and not in one's personal list).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume that she did not bother telling me where she got it from as I know she would not have spend that much money seeing that we had a large mortgage. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind..

Whether she was aware that this fellow may have been after her for an affair or not, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself get lured into letting this happen and damaging our family relationship which has changed a great deal.

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers in there's only one marriage ever. I was her very first lover and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

Hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter as I am after all those years, I'd like to think that she prayed that I would never suspect she would do something like that. I was never a jealous, possessive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. This now has changed.

We've been married for almost 25years and for the past 20years it's been a roller coaster. At times I feel pretty good and other times I couldn't care less. We make love and most of the time it means nothing for me, it's as if I'm just doing it to release myself (I might as well sleep with a prostitute)... sad as it may sound, she brought this about and many times when we have a little disagreement she says that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family. I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

It's possible that some women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding and a good listener, it's only to get them calm, relaxed, trusting until the right time comes so sex will be easy to perform.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men and they crave for sex with other guys and or they just want to see how it feels being screwed by another guy.

I'd also say that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have told those around her how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to that guy's ear!! And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm to their marriage.(Still this is no reason for a married woman to let herself be caught off guard).

I MAY BE SPECULATING ALL OF THIS AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING (and in many situations many will never admit knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed), my only clues are what I've been observing based on touchy conversations we've been having over the years and even nowadays when we hear about similar stories whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter. Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

There's no moving on for either of us at this point in time.. our children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware that we have issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our family and friends. all I know is that she has destroyed the trust I had for her, the real love I had for her.. no marriage counsellor can ever restore what we used to have at the beginning of our married life. I firmly believe once any party in a marriage has done damage it can never ever be mended 100%... The scar is there forever and it's how one choose to deal with it. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her love in a weird way but not as intense as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need not necessary to make her feel good. I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. Because every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. this puts me off!!

It is really up to you Fisherman how you want to perceive your future with your wife. You have every right to know what happened between her and that other guy and once a cheater, always a cheater no matter what. maybe out of a thousand cheaters, one might be converted.. once someone has savored the forbidden fruit, it is likely it will be repeated as soon as the opportunity arises. By being a housewife is just as bad as sooner or later she'd get bored and things can happen. You need to work on your own feelings, what you really want, what you expect and what makes you happy. You may love her still but can you live with the scar forever? Believe you me it will never go away no matter what.. no one can remove this from your memory not even your wife as much as she'd try. She's done the damage and she needs to be told to live with the consequences.

The intense love you had once before is now tarnished forever.. this is why every now and then you will relive and visualize what she did to you..

I'm going through this too but now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important to me anymore but just good enough for my needs and I'm ready for whatever happens. We have a large mortgage and she's keen to hang around and pay the bills, so be it... If you are ready to move on.. do it.. The scar she's put on your mind will never fade away... once you've got a cut, it heals but the scar will always be visible no matter what!! God bless you and you have to be strong. Do not let the love feeling you have for her get the better of you. Remember if it was you who had done it, hell would break loose.. women do not deal with their husband cheating that softly...

Cheers

[Steadfast]

I agree, tell the man's wife so he gets his as well. The Boss and your wife fisherman are losers...expose them and rip their souls out.

 

Is all about vengeance or are we trying to help this guy?

 

If I were the OP and I had a chance to tell the OM's wife, I would. The affair made that connection their shared business. It's the right thing to do.

 

That said, expect the unexpected.

 

She may have heard it all before and respond angrily or she may truly appreciate the information. Or any combination of the above. Not easy.

 

Someone else suggested telling everyone; friends and family. And while I understand the reasons, I always advise against this. Too many times the people close to the cheating spouse will side with them, regardless. Whoever said blood is thicker than water knew their business.

 

Having this backfire will give the OP more problems, and he doesn't need that, IMO. When the people around her learn the truth, it will mean much more than if it came from him. Otherwise, those close to her may suspect he's out for his pound of flesh. If vengeance is the motivation, they'd be right. I'd rather hold my tongue than wish I could take it back. What's the saying about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure?

 

Not easy, this affair business. Life is a minefield...for awhile.

[cooperzoey]

I have just finished reading through what happened and first off.It's a horrible thing when you get hurt by the person you thought you always could trust ,

 

I'm sorry for your pain you seem like a very sincere loving person. If you decide to stay in your marriage it will not change what she did. That is a hard thing to live with. Trust would be very hard to establish again if ever,

 

I think you should tell his wife. Not out of getting even but because it is not fair for her to be living a lie. I would want to know as hurtful as it would be.

 

You unfortunately have a lot to sort out and it will be painful. I would confide in my coworkers if you are close to them or a councelor. Many people it seems can understand what you are going through.

 

You will get through this

[standtall]

You think that telling the truth to the OM's betrayed wife is "vengeance"?

 

Interesting world view you have there.

 

It's the motive that rn40whatever said for exposing it, if you bothered to read and understand his statement.. I am all for disclosure, but the way he said it exposes the real motive that some bitter, betrayed, destroyers operate..here I'll quote him again in case there is a reading comprehension issue.

 

The Boss and your wife fisherman are losers...expose them and rip their souls out.

 

Again, he should disclose to expose and help end the affair, but I pointed out that it sounded like vengeance and not being very helpful. What you destroyers seem to miss is in your hate filled, diatribes, is that there is someone that may choose a different path of dealing with this than yourself. It has nothing to do with my "world view"..I just know mine is not filled with hate like some posters. Now if you don't have anything positive to add for fisherman, I would suggest you ignore my posts.

Edited November 5, 2012 by standtall

[BetheButterfly]

Bethebutterfly,

 

I thank you for your prayers. If there is one thing I have learned so far through this in hindsight, it is this...

 

People really are imperfect. The person you love most is capable of falling short in a way you could never imagine.

 

True. Love is a risk.

 

Your analogy of the chocolate is a fair one. Everyone, including your husband, has a piece of chocolate out there. There is some temptation that will be so great that he may not overcome it no matter how strong of character you believe he has. The same goes for you.

Temptation is a test. As a Christian, I personally believe temptation is a test God allows and expects us to resist, like Joseph in the Bible did.

 

In my case, I never thought my wife would contemplate the action she took. What I was unaware of was that she was in contact with him 10-12 hours a day for work, going away together on trips for work every 3-4 weeks, and rather than just working they were investing energy in a relationship with each other over a period of months that should have been reserved for their spouses. I wish I saw the signs before it was too late.

That is a big problem I think. I have some friends who work together as a team: husband and wife! That is cool if they can! Since couples tend to live together, why not work together?

 

I recommend that even though you trust each other fully, keep an honest person honest and request that they leave the path of temptation.

That is awesome advice!

If your husband is working closely with another woman for long days, demand that he find a different position.

He works with guys. He has turned down going to Hooters with the guys too, which I really appreciate. We're both picky like that lol. I prefer my hubby to stare only at me and he prefers for me to stare only at him.

 

Some measure of jealousy is not all that bad of a feeling, especially if it prevents him from eating that chocolate.

Agreed!

 

It also will keep him feeling desired if not overdone.

Yeah. My husband has female friends but he doesn't spend time with them without me. I think that's very important. He knows too that I appreciate that because I do desire him. He also doesn't want me to feel bad. If he were to hang out with other women without me, I would feel very sad.

 

I actively tried not to show jealousy and instead only support for my wife in her career. I didn't tell her about my concerns because I thought it would show a distrust. Hind sight, it's a wicked thing emotionally because you can't change the past. It will help the future though.

There are careers which doesn't include being in such close contact with another guy. My career does not include close contact with guys and I think that's fine.

Cheers

Fishermanj

Praying for you. Please enjoy the beauty of the days too; don't sink into the pit of despair, whatever you do. I pray God gives you wisdom. I honestly don't know what's best for you to do: divorce or give her a chance. You need to find that in your heart.

[Owl]

So, FishermanJ...what's your plan from here? What's your goal?

 

Sorry to hear about the recent discoveries and her "trickle-truths"...not surprised, but sorry that it did indeed go that way.

 

Just curious on what your next steps are at this point?

[robf1971]

I told her to get out of the house. I need my space.

 

Well done, if only other betrayed spouses had the fortitude to do this then things would be a lot better for both parties. Make sure you pack her stuff for her and arrange a time for her to pick it up!!

[drifter777]

fisherman - how are you doing?

[2long]

Even if it happened only on the 3 times they were away on "work" travel, they likely did the deed multiple times every night they were on travel.

 

I suspect that this affair started not long after she 2k the job. The OM is likely a repeat offender, as well.

 

People have mentioned finding out about an STD after discovering the affair. I had the opposite experience - almost. About 3 years in2 the affair, I developed a fungal infection. Nothing like a "real" STD, mind you, but the first thing the Dr asked me was about my sexual his2ry. I "saw" where he was going and said "well, we can rule that out, because I'm married." He then said "some STDs can take up 2 10 years 2 show up", 2 which I replied, "well, we can rule that out, because I've been married for 19 years." He prescribed something, I 2k it, and in a 2ple weeks the infection went away. I didn't discover the affair for another 7 years, I was that trusting. But it sure brought back memories of that Dr visit, and explained everything.

 

We're still married (going on 37 years now), and though our relationship is pretty good, it's nothing like it was before the affair, and nothing like it might have been if there'd never been an affair.

 

One thing I told my W not long after d-day was that I wish I'd found out not long after the first affair started (with the same guy when he lived in the area), I could have started over and had another family by now if I'd wanted one. We had 2 kids when it started.

 

If I were in your shoes now, I'd thank her for the belated truth, inform the OM's wife - not as any kind of threat, but because telling the truth is the right thing 2 do - hire a lawyer, and get your finances separated as quickly as possible so the divorce can be finalized as soon as possible. Wish her well in her fu2re - seriuosly - chalk this up 2 experience, and start over without her.

 

Can the marriage be annulled?

 

-ol' 2long

[boer]

Truer words have never been spoken. I'm only 5 months out from D-day and I'm literally swimming in it. Have to take some time every couple of days to remind myself to stay grounded.

 

 

 

There is a bright side to all of this.

 

It may not seem like it right now to fisherman, but a 35 year old soon to be single (through no fault of his own), gainfully employed heterosexual man with no children looks to have an extremely high value in the sexual/relationship marketplace nowadays.

 

Even if you weren't much of a "player" in your 20's (and I gather you weren't based on your religious faith), things are going to be entirely different for you in your mid-30's. You will basically have your pick of the litter.

 

In fact don't be very surprised if you are swarmed by numerous women of all ages once they get wind of the fact that you are splitting up from your wife, and why. Careful though because some of them will want to get their hooks in you as quickly as possible. Keep your dating options way open and be very clear about that.

 

Your wife, on the other hand....I'm not sure there's a huge market for women in their mid 30's who destroyed their first marriage by cheating on their husband with the boss. Sure, there will be plenty of guys who want to hit it and quit it, but no sane, reasonably desirable man will want to commit to a woman like your wife. It's too risky.

 

I would love to see the look on your wife's face if, after the divorce is finalized, and she has been thrown under the bus by her boss (because obviously you MUST tell the boss's wife about all this--make sure she gets personal delviery of your wife's email confession so the boss doesn't intercept it) she runs into you someday in the future when you happen to have a 22 year old hottie on your arm.

 

Your wife messed up big time and you had best be prepared for a huge freakout from her because you finding out about this affair was never part of her master plan.

 

Also you need to disclose her affair to all her relatives and friends, and all your relatives and friends, and leave no misunderstanding about who is responsible for the end of your marriage, or why.

[turnera]

What's going on, fisherman?

[BeholdtheMan]

Last week she was in Chicago with her boss on a regular on-site visit with one of their clients and that night they apparently drank a bottle of wine in the hotel and the clothes came off and they "fooled around" (she tells me there was no actual intercourse).

Uh...is that supposed to make it somehow more acceptable? Cheating is cheating. If they had vaginal intercourse, would you feel better that they didn't have anal intercourse? They were at the very least fondling each other and making out while naked Edited November 9, 2012 by BeholdtheMan

[Tara247]

Uh...is that supposed to make it somehow more acceptable? Cheating is cheating. If they had vaginal intercourse, would you feel better that they didn't have anal intercourse? They were at the very least fondling each other and making out while naked

 

Behold, the OP just recently found out that his wife did a whole lot more than that. His last post was that he told her to get out.

[jnel921]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand as this was my situation last month. I am a manager too and the OW decided to call me at work and spill the beans, It was hard to function and lead after that.

 

Like you I can't tell anyone. I don't share my personal situations with anyone at work and I can't tell my family as they completely adore my husband and would be devastated as much as I was and still am.

 

My H like your W is apologetic and is willing to do anything to save your marriage. I asked for the details as well and unfortunately was sent photographs from the OW that I wished I had never seen. The bottom line is that they had sex with other people. Why they did it is still being discussed in my case.

 

I haven't left yet,but can tell you that my heart isn't completely there with him. I feel our marriage is broken. I am broken. Unless he can show me or make me fall in love again I am afraid it won't work.

 

There are reasons within your marriage that caused this to happen. I probably had more reasons to want to step out on my H. I have been posting since 2004 here about how our intimacy was lacking. He said he wasn't a sexual person and lo and behold he is screwing someone else. A lot to take in when you have been with someone so long.

 

I hope that you guys can have an honest conversation. You have to stay strong and know this is not about you. It's her. She may want to stay with you because you can provide her with the lifestyle she wants. But if she wants intimacy elsewhere then you may have to send her packing.

 

Good luck to you and big hugs. I feel your pain too.