Lost that Lovin' Feelin'

[PrivateSorrow]

I've been married for 10 years, and it hasn't been easy.

We've got small children together.

 

So, for a very long time our relationship was garbage. My wife had some major behavior issues, stemming from her past and some deep seated fear of abandonment. Details aren't as important as the fact that I was pushed to and then beyond what I thought was my "line". Fact of the matter is, I am too loyal and too much in love with coming home to my kids every night to end my marriage. Even still, there was a time not long ago when I was ready and willing to do just that.

 

We've been through a LOT of counseling. I've changed in big, big ways. She's changed in big, big ways. She has a very difficult time admitting her part in our past, and in general she struggles with shame and fear.

 

The worst of the behaviors have been eliminated. There's no more violence, and arguments get defused (by me) very quickly. The emotional abuse is probably more gone than I think it is, because I am still very sensitive on that.

 

And so here I am today. When I said "either these behaviors stop, or this marriage does" I meant it. She knew I meant it, and things changed. I am very proud of her for that, truly I am. Our home is 100 times more peaceful and harmonious than the past 9 or so years.

 

But, the problem I have is this very deep, very real resentment. I can't get back to being in love. My counselor tells me it will take time, a lot of time, and may never really come back. Her mannerisms irritate me, which I guess is normal. Sometimes I don't want to be around her, even though she's done nothing to warrant it in the immediate past.

 

I still can not and will not share my inner-most thoughts and feelings with her. I do not have any kind of support network, or family/friends.

 

So, I am lonely. Mentally, emotionally lonely. I'm not a cheater (although I've spent many years being told I am), but I have this nagging curiosity that concerns me.

 

I don't know how to shake it, but I know I have too. I fall in and out of bouts of major depression. I need to cry, but I can't, and I don't know why.

 

I welcome any comments, suggestions, or criticisms.

I don't feel like I have many options right now, and that my life will be this way forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

My counselor tells me it will take time, a lot of time, and may never really come back.

I think you understand this intellectually but haven't come to terms with it emotionally. Going to the edge of the marital cliff, especially with the stress and dissension involved, is like being in a car crash in that it simply takes time to heal and recover. And you can and will cycle through many feelings and moods while this process occurs. Anger, depression, resentment - all the things you describe feeling are normal and natural events in the timeline.

 

When I was recovering from an injury, I told my doctor about the pain I felt while doing the physical therapy. And his surprising answer was that the pain was a good thing in that it showed that my body was responding to the work I was doing to recover. The same goes for you as your feelings indicate progress towards the goal. Hang in there and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eve]

I think you have had one too many intense days and need to reset your brain a bit. In short, I think you need to have some fun.

 

Do it singly, with the kids and together as a couple.

 

Have fun with the sole intention of having fun. If not, your life will continue to be crappy. Also, it is better to make long term decisions when you are actually enjoying life.

 

 

Sounds to me as though it is time for you to reap some good times mate. You have both done the work, now enjoy each other. Do appreciative, random stuff.

 

Well, that's what we do in our marriage and the ups and downs have not broken us.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Baroid015]

I totally know where your at because I'm in the same place. I'm on my 2nd marriage, 5yrs tomorrow as a matter of fact. And I'm so broken, 6yrs ago I fell so in love with her and little by little her past and what she had been through started showing up, she showed me the bad side of her and I took it all. The physical and verbal and mental abuse because I was so blinded by love. I know that im not perfect and that im not the best at anything but im pretty damn good at alot things, Im a good guy and didnt deserve to be treated like this so as time went on I too stood up for myself and made ultimatums. And she did change her ways all the abuse stopped she a totally diffeerent woman shes so proud of what she has become and so am I but the memories never left. Every day im haunted by those memories.We have no kids together but we do have kids from previous marriages. I do love her but I'm not in love with her anymore. My life looking in would seem perfect but looking from my heart out theres no love or trust. I can stay in this marriage but it would be a lie to myself I'm not happy but everyone else is..

[CarrieT]

I still can not and will not share my inner-most thoughts and feelings with her.

This right here is the crux of the problem. If you cannot share your inner-most thoughts, it never - ever - will if you can't be completely open and honest with your spouse.

 

The next step is IF you ever want that relationship with your wife to be full of love and affection. She has made the changes you asked of her but if you are not willing to go the next step and bare your soul and tell her how you really feel, there will be no healing or moving forward.

 

If you can't do it, than be honest with your wife and seek a divorce. You will both be better off in the long run if you are free and able to be able to find those in your life with whom you can share all those thoughts and feelings inside.

[PrivateSorrow]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

I don't have much to say right now, but I wanted you all to know that I am reading and thinking deeply about the things you've said. I appreciate the support and the ideas.

 

I will check back in when I have put a little more thought into this. Thank you all so much.