When was it time to date again?

[FightClub]

Hey guys,

 

A simple question after the affair and you're in a place moving forward without reservation, when did you start dating again? What was/is it like now?

 

I've had a series of 'hook-ups' in College so far but I notice that I get irritated/uncomfortable being around said hook-ups afterwards. Not directly tied to relationships but have you felt the experiences you've gone through in the affair-setting have changed the perception of how you interact with relationships since?

 

Edited to Add - Been a few traditional dates, but just haven't felt anything, those were the uncomfortable dates, the hook-ups, well, are hook-ups. =)

-FC

Edited November 2, 2012 by FightClub

[SunsetRed]

Its a process, you just take it one day at a time. You go out and suffer thru some boring, no connection dates. These dates make you grieve your affair days, but if you're smart you wont look back to the affair and you'll keep moving forward. One day you'll find yourself in love again.

 

Some of my dates havent been the best, but then again, at least we could freely go out in public and at least I didnt have to put up with the "I hope no one sees us together" attitude.

 

I look at it like this..I've got to move forward and make changes otherwise 5 years from now I'll still be in this pit of hell. I'm 45 now, do really want to hit the big 5-0 and still be giving sex to this person who in turn gives everything he has to a spouse? NO. So no matter how much it hurts, I've got to give up the A and move forward so that 5 years from now I'm not some loser mourning an ex from 5 years past.

[FightClub]

Sunset,

 

I like your response, especially the part about, ' waiting x amount of years' for someone, it's very true.

 

I think these days what's irritating me is the feeling of being in that in-between space of working through school and trying to find better employment.

 

If I had to articulate it, it's really like I know things are bound to happen as I progress through life and at the same time I'm curious to hear other perspectives on the topic.

 

-FC

[MissBee]

I wasted no time.

 

I think partly because I wasn't exclusive with him while in the A. I felt like that would have been ridiculous and I felt I could reserve some of my power by being open to other men (granted, I was not emotionally open, which is what counted more) versus being exclusive to a man who isn't exclusive with me.

 

Why I was in that situation was a complex web that I noticed repeated in single relationships...someway, somehow, they were a bit unavailable, and so was I. So for me, it was a process of learning about me and how I came to choose who I chose. But initially, I rebounded quickly with one guy who I ended up cutting off and all I did was compare my exAP to others. I did then find a boyfriend who I didn't compare and thought was "it" and that was less than a year after the A dissolved.

 

But the point is, I had to learn a lot about myself, my dating style, my beliefs on love and relationships and that changed the people I attracted. It wasn't simply about leaving the A and magically finding someone else...as cliched as it sounds, I had to find me.

[Scarlett5]

Your story reminds me of myself Miss Bee....I only had a brief affair before I forced myself to take a step back and look at why I was allowing myself to be in that situation, and why I seemed to be almost infatuated with the guy. I linked together all my past 'relationship' behaviours and beliefs and it was like someone had turned a light on.

 

I still feel a bit worn out by it all, but very positive about the future too. When I'm ready, I think dating for me from now on will be very different. And I mean in terms of the men I attract and the fact that I now feel capable of having a long term meaningful relationship. For once in my life, I'm ready to play the leading lady in my love life

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, how you feel about things will depend on what you have learned about yourself. How old are you fight club?

[FightClub]

Hey Scarlett,

 

I'm in my mid-20's, though after a series of relationships and one affair, these days I feel like I'm nearing mid-30's in terms of what I've seen and felt, so, I can relate in terms of understanding the relationship/dating dynamic in terms of individual growth.

 

Most of the time, I end up educating the other person, oddly enough. Sometimes you don't wanna always wanna be the teacher but rather just go with the flow and enjoy those moments.

 

Personality-wise, that's where I'm at, have the battle scars and less interest at the moment for serious relationships, mostly because I genuinely want to just go on a few non-committed dates and see where they continue to go.

 

On the flip-side, I've found that I'm content being by myself for the most part, it's more or less the curiosity of seeing what else is out there, if anyone else had a 'light-bulb' moment or just went out and started going for the dates.

Edited November 2, 2012 by FightClub

[MissBee]

Your story reminds me of myself Miss Bee....I only had a brief affair before I forced myself to take a step back and look at why I was allowing myself to be in that situation, and why I seemed to be almost infatuated with the guy. I linked together all my past 'relationship' behaviours and beliefs and it was like someone had turned a light on.

 

I still feel a bit worn out by it all, but very positive about the future too. When I'm ready, I think dating for me from now on will be very different. And I mean in terms of the men I attract and the fact that I now feel capable of having a long term meaningful relationship. For once in my life, I'm ready to play the leading lady in my love life

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, how you feel about things will depend on what you have learned about yourself. How old are you fight club?

 

You said it a lot better

 

For a while I truly thought I was just unlucky, I just "happened" to fall inlove with a taken guy and so on and so forth, and when I realized it wasn't an anomaly, but a pattern that played out in different ways with other men, I felt sick to my stomach.....but also freed! I finally could take responsibility for my love life and start doing the work of looking at my subconscious fears and beliefs that led me to choose these relationships, that always were self-sabotaging in a sense. It felt better to know I could actually work on doing better and it wasn't just the Universe conspiring against me.

 

I too felt worn out, not right after the A, but after my next serious relationship post-A. But I am more than confident and happy about my future now and am in a healthier place. I also didn't date for an entire year and just really focused inward. It was such a difference, because I was one who always had some man or other, whether casually or otherwise and I didn't realize how much of a distraction and background noise these engagements can be. I'm a lot more selective now about who I give my time to and who i invest in, I have no interest in dalliances with men I know aren't right for me. It's a learning lesson and not wrong to date around...but I'm over it. BTDT and after the A and my 2 relationship post-A, I just learned so much more about what I needed.

 

I also had to face up to my own commitment phobia. My dad is a serial cheater, and growing up I didn't think it affected me. I saw no relationship between the men I chose and my dad, and it wasn't until my year of not dating and introspection that I connected the dots.I haven't dated serial cheaters, but they shared other qualities and represented my own fears. I realized that my parents' marriage affected me subconsciously to where I internalized the idea that marriage either gets boring or people cheat and I had to own up to how scared I was of that (although I would fantasize about weddings and marriage). I even started looking at my fantasies of M and realized I only looked at the romance and not the reality and it always included distance and busy schedules to where we could never get bored. Long story short, I had to own up to how I chose men who could never give me a meaningful, long term relationship that could stand the test of time and that required real, day to day partnership. It was not a coincidence or some "independent woman" thing...it was a fear thing.

 

I'm happy for you Scarlett. It's a journey worth taking and I've grown to realize most "relationship problems" and "dating issues" stem from "you need to work on you issues". People put the cart before the horse and think "My life is shiitty, I have issues, I don't love myself, etc...let me find a bf/gf/husband/wife/FWB and that will solve it". Then it doesn't. You have to start from you...period. It's hard though, it's easier to just be in an A and be oblivious or be in any R and try to be oblivious (until the issues start bubbling up...and even then, just like many MM/MW they just blame their partner and think a new one will somehow change things).

[FightClub]

Something I learned from my previous relationships, especially after the affair ended, was that I was attracted to unobtainable or unhealthy for me. I would give the benefit of the doubt, thinking, inherently everyone is good and that the ends justice the means.

 

After talking to a counselor, we both worked out that upon looking back, I purposely chose those type of women, deep down inside knowing those relationships wouldn't last and if they did by some miracle survive, they were worth the effort.

 

Today, I know I choose more wisely, in-part because I don't wanna repeat the same mistake as getting involved with the affair and the hurt, hurt that I brought upon myself by getting involved with someone who was married.

 

With that in mind, what type of social settings/interactions were you finding dates, MissBee?