Meritocracy Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I'm in an LDR with my girlfriend. I like her a lot and have traveled to see her. It's currently her turn to come up to see me for the first time and we agreed on a certain time frame which has come and gone. She has given me no good explanation about why she can't come up and see me, she just keeps saying soon. I've been bringing it up a lot lately and I'm sure we're both totally annoyed about the whole thing. I'm not even sure the trip would be fun anymore after the bickering we've had about it. Perhaps it's just time to end the relationship? Not sure what else I can do and I don't want to be with a girl who doesn't want to see me or fails to do what she says she's going to do. She still gives me a lot of attention and respect over the phone though.,.... Any suggestions? I probably would have dumped her already if she wasn't a girl I really liked. Maybe I just need to get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Does it sound like she's stringing you along? Or maybe afraid to say what the real reason is? Maybe she is uncomfortable talking about finances and that could be the reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meritocracy Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Does it sound like she's stringing you along? Or maybe afraid to say what the real reason is? Maybe she is uncomfortable talking about finances and that could be the reason. I'm not sure what she's doing really. My first LDR. It feels like I'm getting blown off or strung along. I actually brought up finances gently one night and she said she had plenty of money and it wouldn't be a problem. I don't think she was lying. She's also not a girl who's had a problem expressing herself before. Maybe she's testing me to see how I'll react? The only reason I could get out of her for the hesitance was she recently moved and felt like it was pretty soon to take another trip. But this was after she agreed to come and had no problem with it for 3 weeks. Plus she moved a month and a half ago, it's too soon to take a 2-3 day trip? Sounds like BS to me. She had no problem traveling a short distance to see me for a few days when I was there. I've found her to be exceptionally loyal and honest so far so I don't think another guy is involved or anything. We talk on the phone often late into the night. Maybe she doesn't even really know why she doesn't want to come. Link to post Share on other sites
ana0pera Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 can we have a bit more background please? how old are you both? how many times have you gone to visit her? where do you guys live? how long have you been together? to me, it's a dealbreaker if the other person doesn't reciprocate the travel after the first visit, unless there are extenuating circumstances (visa issues, money, etc). doesn't sound like that's the case here. the fact that your time frame for a second visit has come and gone is a red flag. i think it's perfectly acceptable to confront her about that. how many times have you guys met? are you sure she is 100% committed to this as you are? that could be part of the problem, maybe she is still apprehensive about the relationship. this is likely if you've only met once or twice and have been talking for a few months. but I don't know your background so I'll stop with the hypotheticals. i would agree that it seems like she's stringing you along. tell her how you feel. communication is the most important thing in an LDR and if you're not being honest with each other now, the future is dim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meritocracy Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 can we have a bit more background please? how old are you both? how many times have you gone to visit her? where do you guys live? how long have you been together? to me, it's a dealbreaker if the other person doesn't reciprocate the travel after the first visit, unless there are extenuating circumstances (visa issues, money, etc). doesn't sound like that's the case here. the fact that your time frame for a second visit has come and gone is a red flag. i think it's perfectly acceptable to confront her about that. how many times have you guys met? are you sure she is 100% committed to this as you are? that could be part of the problem, maybe she is still apprehensive about the relationship. this is likely if you've only met once or twice and have been talking for a few months. but I don't know your background so I'll stop with the hypotheticals. i would agree that it seems like she's stringing you along. tell her how you feel. communication is the most important thing in an LDR and if you're not being honest with each other now, the future is dim. Hi ana. We are both around 30, have seen each other in person twice. We've spent about 4 days together total. Right now we live on opposite ends of the US but by sheer coincidence we were both scheduling a move to around the same place before we even started to date. Our first in person date was over 2 months ago but we've been talking for more like 8 or so. I'd say it's been about 4 since it went romantic? I think you're right. There have been some other red flags saying she wasn't super committed and I guess I've been ignoring them. I wouldn't have minded doing all the travel since I enjoy traveling, but the fact she said she would do it and isn't sticks in my craw. She has contributed money and effort to our first two dates. Even though I'm due to make my move there in about 3 weeks it wouldn't be fun for me to date her after this. I've brought the whole thing up about 10 times now and the last conversation was our first real fight. I've tried being nice, hinting at it, talking about it directly and nothing is working. No progress is being made. So I guess there is only one thing left to do...... Link to post Share on other sites
aisle_seat Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I think it's very odd that she's not giving any rational reason for not traveling to see you. She has the money and evidently has the time. I think the moving a couple months ago thing doesn't hold water. If she won't or can't give you a legitimate reason, I think you need to tell her that's unacceptable in an LDR and let her know you're going to have to reevaluate the relationship. Then go NC for a while and see what happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) It's currently her turn to come up to see me for the first time and we agreed on a certain time frame which has come and gone. She has given me no good explanation about why she can't come up and see me, she just keeps saying soon. I've been bringing it up a lot lately and I'm sure we're both totally annoyed about the whole thing. I'm not even sure the trip would be fun anymore after the bickering we've had about it. This is called pressure. I'm putting myself in her shoes here. If I were being pressured about doing anything, I would sort of lose interest or see it as a red flag. If just the fact of her not coming is making you think of dumping her, that's not love. Also, I really really can't stand the concept of "I did this for you so now you have to do this for me". An act of love must be spontaneous and not demanded the way you are demanding it. Reciprocating must be felt from the heart, not having to do that because you visited her last time, so it's her turn now (in your own words). What kind of love is that? What if you had to do it 10 times before she does that? I wouldn't last a second with someone like you. Will1988 is a smarter guy. There's a small chance she might have mixed feelings about you, therefore she's being hesitant. But look at the other signs she gave you too. She's caring, affectionate, spends hours with you before getting asleep. There was not a drop in her interest in you. So what does that say about her? If you thought and felt she was in love with you nothing's hinting at any change so far. You visited her once and she even contributed the money, which doesn't seem really nice of you as a boyfriend, but well, if she has money to waste, it's fine. She said she's not the supercommited kind. Do you know her love past? Did she have weird/bad experiences? Maybe that's what's keeping her from not getting too involved with you and taking it slow. After all, if you're gonna dump her in the blink of an eye, she's doing the right thing not coming. She would invest in a demanding relationship that's gonna hurt her in the long run. Did you honestly ask her "how do you feel about meeting me?" If you didn't, what are we talking about? First, make sure about how she feels about that. After that question or depending on her answer you should ask her how she feels about coming visiting you. Maybe I just need to get it over with. Try, and see what happens. If it's an easy task, you were not in love with her. Edited November 3, 2012 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
PepperPotts Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Do I understand you correctly in saying that you're *moving to where she is in three weeks* but you still think she should fly to visit you between now and then or you'll just have to break up with her? Maybe she has the money, but she may not have the time. If she only moved a month and a half ago she either can't take off work or is still looking for work. If you're willing to dump her over this because is just won't be fun anymore (what does that even mean?) then do it, for her sake. I agree with justwhoiam-- if it's that easy, you're not really in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meritocracy Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Thank you for that surly reply justwhoiam. Will's girlfriend actually told him why she didn't want to travel. There is nothing demanding about our relationship. She is free to do whatever she wants, she is free to say no to me about anything, which she has on many occasions. The only thing I expect is for her to do what she says she is going to do. If we schedule a date I want her to show up. Or at least call and explain why she can't. Neither of which she had done in this case. I know you wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from your partner. So why you expect me to as some kind of act of love I don't get. Just because I expect a certain level of respect doesn't mean I don't adore her. Just to clarify, we've seen each other twice. And by her contributing money, I mean I didn't pay for absolutely everything during our dates. I paid for my travel and the vast majority of our entertainment. Which is the way I prefer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meritocracy Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Pepper, if someone totally blew you off wouldn't it leave a bit of a bad taste in your mouth? Even though I will be closer to her soon it would be less fun if I had that bad taste in my mouth. And the time frame seems so short because she's delayed so long that she's almost out of time completely. It's not like we are meeting every other week. Will, we actually had a pretty good talk and her and your girlfriend seem to have some things in common. We are still together for now and will see what happens. Your input was invaluable. I probably would have broken up with her if I had not read your post. Aisle, I got pretty close there. But a good talk with her delayed that for now. We shall see what happens! Link to post Share on other sites
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