The Other Woman - a man's view...

[Radagast]

...but thankfully not mine!

 

A man isn't cheating with you because you are so good at being the other woman. . .He's cheating with you because you aren't good enough to be the woman. I laugh at women that brag about being the "go to" woman when the man gets bored at home, & you try to put down a submissive woman for being who God designed her to be. Learn what submission really means. A submissive woman is far from weak, because a true submissive woman knows how to carry the load for him and her both without him even having to know it. She knows how to speak to his spirit & not his lusts. She knows how to push him to his dreams instead of pulling him to destruction. She knows how to pray with him and not play with him. She knows how to be quiet even when her flesh wants to speak....She knows the value of his hard work & not just his moneys. A submissive woman is his "LIFETIME" but you are just a "GOOD TIME". . . and that's all you will ever be....He knows that he can throw some money & material possessions your way & that's all you will ever expect. The other woman makes it easy for a man, the submissive woman makes it easy for herself by making him EARN & not buy her. Ladies its time u choose exactly who do u want to be in life.

 

Which woman is getting the better deal is moot, since they're both willingly signing up for what they get and the implication is neither would want the other one's role. But I cannot fathom how any woman would be interested in a man who holds such views, but I suppose his wife (or main girlfriend) is too submissive to object, and his "other woman" is happy with the money and material possessions he "throws" her way, and doesn't expect any more than that.

 

Why would a woman be attracted to such a man? Would you agree to be his "submissive woman" (knowing he will have "other women" and that he will "throw money and material possessions" their way, but you have the consolation of being his "lifetime")? Would you agree to be his "other woman" (knowing you are only his "good time" and some other woman is his "lifetime" who prays with him while you play with him)? If you are a man, do you see either your wife or your lover in the terms described here?

[ilovedhim]

Where did you find that? And who is this man? A prince with a heram?

 

This "submissive" woman you're describing sounds like a doormat.

[Got it]

Umm, no. This guy is a too big for his britches.

[SecretFlower]

Yeah...So much too say no words to say it. Submissive woman? I think not. What is this the 1800's?

[MissBee]

The thing with As for some, if not most, is the lack of knowing or truly undersanding what you're choosing IMO.

 

How many stories start off with, "I didn't intend for it to happen", "I didn't know xyz", "I thought he would have done abc" etc. I think most people don't consciously choose to be treated badly but nonetheless sign up. Radagast, your horror tales of your ex-wife for example, the question could be posed why on earth would you choose someone like that? Yet you did. For whatever reason that either made sense to you then or even if it made no sense, something made you choose to disrespect yourself in that way. Likewise, I think many people don't realize when they're in a destructive A/relationship until they're all caught up.

 

This post from this man I can bet are his confessional thoughts...i.e. he probably doesn't say these things to OW out loud and probably seems as sweet as can be to them (if he has OW that is, not sure if he's just commenting about OW versus wives in general without ever being a MM, which is also possible).However, in thinking about it, that's what it boils down to for him. The submissive woman thing is a certain type of Christian rhetoric. I don't have the entire context of this post so I can't speak to some things. Reading it, it seems as though it's a commentary on OW in general and not that he necessarily is a MM cheating.

 

My friend just told me the other day about his friend who had a woman who has 6 abortions for him!!! He then said the worst part is that this woman is his permanent OW. Now.....I am sure this dude probably doesn't actually say he doesn't value her etc and clearly has no intention of making her his out and out legitimate woman. I think these things are insidious often. There is some truth in it for some I'm sure. And behind the strange language it all boils down to the bottom line of, if you're in a secret relationship as the "other" woman...then however you look at it, if this man doesn't hasten to change this...then you are simply a supplement to his bad or "good" marriage and his needs and wants are before your own and if you want him full time and you continue year after year...you need not announce your submission...as actions clearly speak louder than words. We show people how to treat us...and not a word needs to be said.

[hermione08]

Anyway, whatever the submissive wife is, certainly she's not for A LIFETIME,as he says, because he still needs a lover.

If he was so happy with this perfect companion, why look elsewhere?

Sad, very sad.

Where is Darwin when you need him? This kind of man should be extinct by now

[MissBee]

Anyway, whatever the submissive wife is, certainly she's not for A LIFETIME,as he says, because he still needs a lover.

If he was so happy with this perfect companion, why look elsewhere?

Sad, very sad.

Where is Darwin when you need him? This kind of man should be extinct by now

 

Well they're not and so long as the world spins women will choose to be OW and there will be MM having wives and girlfriends.

[cocorico]

I think the views represented in the OP are very common in certain parts of the world. I have friends who would applaud the quoted post because they aspire to be, or see themselves as, the "submissive woman" whose H / BF may have an OW or more but who comfort themselves that they are the "lifetime" option. These are university educated, qualified professional women, high achievers in many respects, who happen to hold traditional views on Rs and M. They accept their role and focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.

 

And while I don't know the author of that quote (AFAIK) I do know men whose views may well chime with that perspective, some of whom I even consider friends. They know my views on such matters, I know theirs, we agree to differ on such things and instead focus on things we have in common when we are together. I'd never consider a R with a someone with such views, but I'm happy to accept that my friends do not all share the same culture, religious orientation, political perspective or social circumstances as me, and so we will disagree on certain matters, and that's fine. I'd rather have a diverse network of friends than a homogeneous group where everyone thinks the same and agrees on everything.

[MissBee]

I have many friends with many differing viewpoints, but none of my friends who hold traditional views on marriage and relationships would ever insult their own sense of self worth by accepting a man who feels it's his right to screw around behind their back. I would have a hard time being friends with someone who viewed herself as something lesser than simply because she has a vagina.

 

I think for some, certainly from the culture I'm from, there is an understanding that the role of a wife is a role different/better than that of an OW. For many women, they feel like men will cheat no matter what, so might as well "gain something" by being the legitimate wife, usually the OW knows "her place", the wife has certain legal and social rights and privileges that the OW doesn't have and women turn a blind eye. The men don't flaunt OW, it's more of a case of "hey he might have an OW but so long as I have his kids, we have a house together, I'm Mrs. So and So, then who is an unknown woman on the side?" The whole mistress culture is also not a new concept at all and in many places historically and even now these attitudes exist.

 

I certainly don't agree but I think it's a pragmatic outlook for some and in a patriarchal culture, where these things have come to be the norm, these are the ways in which women try to respond to it and make use of the situation to benefit themselves. I can't blame them. Ideally, no man would be like this and no woman, OW or Wife, would allow him to have it both ways....yet it isn't like that.

 

 

I think for some it's the lesser of two evils...choosing a man who will marry them, who they feel takes care of them, who is responsible, etc. They value that more than whether he sleeps with OW, because most women, esp in the culture I'm from, see As as a trivial side note and so long as the OW isn't in their lives blatantly, her husband comes home to her etc...then they write off these other things as dalliances. Again, for me, the kind of man I would marry I'd hold to a higher standard and wouldn't treat him as a teenager who can't control himself...but for some women, and sometimes I can't blame them, it seems like no man will ever not cheat, so better to be his W than the OW- and that is of course what one values and feels is a better deal.

[Summer Breeze]

The guy quoted in the OP sounds like some kind of prize. I'm sure his W would love the fact that her place is being like a faithful family pet. I'm sure his OW would love the fact she's really nothing but a good time girl and obviously hasn't got it in her little air head to be anything more.

 

What a guy. In any culture he's a loser.

[Summer Breeze]

Oh, I totally get that. I guess since my friends and I grew up in the same locale, we all have pretty much the same set of standards for treatment by our partners. I've known women from some of those cultures where "the man" is in charge - no questions asked. Some of them defer to that sort of treatment while others have taken on the Western way of thinking, now that they live here, and they don't take any crap off anyone.

 

It's amazing what having your eyes opened does for you!

[cocorico]

I would have a hard time being friends with someone who viewed herself as something lesser than simply because she has a vagina.

 

of course they don't view themselves as lesser! If anything, they view themselves as better, since they are not prone to these weaknesses that men get!

[Owl]

Well...that quote isn't anything I can reference to on the internet. Wonder where it may have come from.

 

TBH, it doesn't sound to me like something that would be said by the vast majority of men in a "western" culture...it's certainly not a common viewpoint maintained by anyone in my personal experience or common culture.

 

Frankly, it sounds like a sidewise swipe at the "submissive" wife as much as it could be a comment about the comparison of OW to BW.

 

I agree with the OP's comment about "Why would a woman be attracted to such a man?"...I just don't see this kind of mindset as anything common in my culture or experience. This kind of mentality is clearly not someone suited to have relationships with women...neither a marriage nor an affair. It benefits no woman to be with a man who thinks this way.

[cocorico]

my friends and I grew up in the same locale

 

That was kind of my point. I relish having a network of friends that didn't all grow up in one place sharing one view, that celebrates diversity and relishes having different perspectives.

 

I have friends who grew up in very patriarchal cultures, and others who grew up in strongly matriarchal ones, and some who grew up in very liberal traditions or more progressive homes. I don't look down on those who don't share my views on how a MM should treat an OW (and vice versa), or how spouses should treat each other in a M. If both parties are freely consenting adults, then how they choose to live their R is their business, not mine, and I don't consider myself better or more highly evolved than them. It's not what I would choose for myself, but if they do that's their right.

 

That doesn't mean I have to agree with a man who expresses a view like that quoted in the OP. I can disagree with that view, while still respecting he rights of those who choose to live that way.

[ThatJustHappened]

That was kind of my point. I relish having a network of friends that didn't all grow up in one place sharing one view, that celebrates diversity and relishes having different perspectives.

 

I have friends who grew up in very patriarchal cultures, and others who grew up in strongly matriarchal ones, and some who grew up in very liberal traditions or more progressive homes. I don't look down on those who don't share my views on how a MM should treat an OW (and vice versa), or how spouses should treat each other in a M. If both parties are freely consenting adults, then how they choose to live their R is their business, not mine, and I don't consider myself better or more highly evolved than them. It's not what I would choose for myself, but if they do that's their right.

 

That doesn't mean I have to agree with a man who expresses a view like that quoted in the OP. I can disagree with that view, while still respecting he rights of those who choose to live that way.

 

So if a man beats his wife and she stays with him, is that ok because they're both consenting adults?

 

I'm sure I'll get lambasted a bit for this, but I think that psychological abuse is almost as bad as physical abuse, and treating a woman like she's a pet seems pretty abusive to me. I understand that there are different cultures, but some things are just wrong. The women in those situations are staying there because they don't know that they have a choice. There are cultures that force children to marry..there are cultures that practice human sacrifice or cannibalism or pedophelia. Will you stick up for them too because it's just 'what they do'?

[cocorico]

The women in those situations are staying there because they don't know that they have a choice.

 

Comments like that are dangerously close to ignorant racism. The friends I referred to are educated professionals who are well aware of their options and their rights, in a country with one of the most progressive constitutions in the world, and they do not choose traditional marriages because they don't know any better, but because their cultural identity is a sense of pride and honour to them. They do not aspire to American-style Rs which they see as shallow and insubstantial. They are as entitled to their views and choices as are any American women who make different choices.

[cocorico]

Anyone who thinks she has to put up with a man who screws around on her OR who is just there for a man's "good times" merely because it's "her place" most definitely views herself as lesser than. Very sad.

 

Sure, you know them better than they know themselves.

[Owl]

Comments like that are dangerously close to ignorant racism. The friends I referred to are educated professionals who are well aware of their options and their rights, in a country with one of the most progressive constitutions in the world, and they do not choose traditional marriages because they don't know any better, but because their cultural identity is a sense of pride and honour to them. They do not aspire to American-style Rs which they see as shallow and insubstantial. They are as entitled to their views and choices as are any American women who make different choices.

 

That works both ways. Most women (and men) in other cultures view these types of relationships as shallow and insubstantial. How could true, deep love occur in a relationship NOT between equals? To us, these kinds of relationships would most certainly seem archaic and confining.

 

Different cultures do indeed have different values and viewpoints.

 

Be cautious to take heed of your own advice, and not to project your own mores on those of others, just as you're asking others here not to do.

[ThatJustHappened]

Comments like that are dangerously close to ignorant racism. The friends I referred to are educated professionals who are well aware of their options and their rights, in a country with one of the most progressive constitutions in the world, and they do not choose traditional marriages because they don't know any better, but because their cultural identity is a sense of pride and honour to them. They do not aspire to American-style Rs which they see as shallow and insubstantial. They are as entitled to their views and choices as are any American women who make different choices.

 

It's racist to say that women who are being beaten by their husbands have a choice? What race is that by the way?

[Lamplight]

So, if the roles were reversed and a married woman has another man on the side, would he be considered sloppy seconds too? How about the husband at home? Is he the submissive one now? All you ever hear about is the gullible, desperate OW. Blah, blah, blah.

[suki1]

The quote the OP added is the view of an abusive man, whoever he is, who believes in his own right to do as he pleases whether or not the woman/women in his life are happy with that or not. He romanticizes the notion of a woman who suppresses her own beliefs and emotions in order to conform to him and his needs for the meager benefit of being his wife. He also vilifies the other woman, by subtly placing the blame for the situation on her, as in his view she is happy to accept his poor treatment of her in exchange for trinkets.

 

Also, blaming culture, religion or country of origin is simply minimizing a person's responsibility for their own behaviour. Makes me so mad it's unreal. We each decide how we act. Only children are not completely culpable for their own actions. Any man who treats women in the way described is abusive.