Feeling like my husband deserves better

[William]

LoveShack has moderators to help ensure threads remain on-topic and progress in a civil and respectful manner. I ran across this thread while reading this morning due to the 'catchy' title, so will add this to the queue for a bit of cleanup and editing to comply with guidelines. It should be back by Sunday and, bonus, we'll get an extra hour to work on it where we live

[Decisiontomake]

Just for your consideration, this sounds very much like how my parents split when I was young(19) There is no way for you to not come out looking like the bad guy, when their divorce started we all loved them both and held them in high esteem.

by the time the dust settled we all had varying degrees of dislike for my mom and her actions had evaporated all the respect we had for her. She has spend the rest of her life since then trying to be happy and to find a good reason to explain to us why it happened "codependent, PTSD etc.." it all sounds like BS. She had a good life with someone who treated her well, loved her and was a good husband and father.

We all talk to her regularly still but she can never recapture the respect. Whenever she tries to give advice now she just gets a eye roll.

Not saying this will happen to you but I garentee she never thought 20 years of respect could evaporate that fast.

Good luck I really hope you can reengage

 

I wanted to thank you for your time in responding to this - and for providing an insight from a viewpoint I had not yet had any guidance on. My relationship with my children is far stronger than the one my husband has with them - I am the one they turn to and ultimately spend time with when they are around (they are teeangers so it's not that often!). I think it's easy for me to sweep aside the impact any separation would have on them, and your commetns have certainly helped me to take that into consideration too. Thank you very much.

[Decisiontomake]

The same thing is happening with my kids, they are slowly pulling away from my stbxw as more and more of the truth comes out. The more I read about this flight of wives for good marriages, the more I'm convinced it's tied to hormones. A good read on it is the "Female Brain" which nails this down in large part to changing hormones in women in their late 30's to mid 40's, women who admit their husbands have done nothing wrong, but the dream of divorce, or treat their husband in such away to drive them to do it for them.

 

I wonder if my kids would have just as much distaste for me thought if I stay with their father, and hurt him through this rollercoaster of "do I/don't I want to be with him". Appreciate the heads up on the read though - will take a look.

[Steadfast]

If you're that unhappy - tell your husband!

 

And tell him EXACTLY what YOU need from him to get happier in the marriage.

 

Be specific with him!

 

^This. And Gunny's post about feelings and marriage being hard work are what will help you most. My opinion is based on experience...from the other side of the fence. Your husband is hurting. He might be trying too hard to compensate for your lack of affection and attraction. He's trying to love enough for both of you. Men only do this when they truly care. It's good that you are communicating with him.

 

Nothing is ever 100%, but overwhelmingly when a women loses attraction for a man, it never returns. At least, while the man is 'in pocket'. You may have a different opinion (or 'feeling...') when you see him with another woman. Some people want what they can't have. Are you one of them?

 

If the thought of your husband with another woman doesn't bother you, or you actually wish he was, divorce him. Don't take no for an answer. Again, IMO, there's no coming back from that. No reading, no council. Nada.

 

As Gunny eluded to, true love is much, much more than a feeling. Love is a decision. Romantic love, devotion and/or sexual attraction are emotions that can be changed by the weather. Every successful married person accomplished that by stubbornly vowing they would not allow the marriage or relationship to fail. Successful marriages are made up of two such people.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Steadfast

[revitup]

STEADFAST,Wow you nailed it.

 

I never really post much on other's posts.I have enough to do about my own WW.

 

But dang,that's exactly what happened to me.I became so dedicated to doing it all perfectly that I forgot me.I thought I could "love enough for both of us" .

 

You are right,one person can never do all of the loving,all of the time, in any marriage, without losing the thing they are desperately trying to salvage,the marriage itself!

 

Now decisintomake,I can say it appears your H is trying or at least was trying to overcompensate ,to save what he loves most in his life,your marriage.I did that,I believed love would conquer all,even if it was only mine.

 

I will say this,if he is like I was,he is losing his confidence in himself at this point.I did and it hurt me worse than her running away.He is probably pointing out all of the little things he sees in nature,all of the sweet things he believes you care about and all of the things you once really did care about.Favorite flower,clouds,rainbows ponies etc.

 

AKA,he is making a fool of himself.I did.ONCE....TWICE....

 

But not three times,this last time (Aug 2012) it was different,no more calls from me,no more chasing her,no more calling her friends and no more of her nonsense for me.

 

I say these things because you should know that, after a while, other women will take notice of a good man and they won't play around when they find out what he is all about.They will come on strong,some will even do things that the WW never would!!! I know.

 

When he wakes up and gets his nads back,he may be as I am,happily single and gone.....forever.

 

You see when she did start to call me, text my family and call my friends....I did not answer and do not today.Maybe soon I will ,but not today.I'm busy!

 

If you love him,show him and swallow your pride.Do all the things he has done for you ,including making a fool of yourself.

 

If not ,let him go...fast.He will be fine,there's more than I can handle out here!

[Cb3657]

Dtm I am glad my input gave you something to think about, I am unsure, as you seem to be, if sticking around unhappily would have been better. My parents went to a mc and it did not seem to help, my mother just wanted out. I personally believe this was a mid life thing, just felt there must be better, when in fact all that really happened was a change,still the same job etc.. Just a period of high drama then a continual shearch for happiness.

That is actually why I come to these boards, I have the same wanderlust in my makeup coming here and reading these stories reminds me of the good reasons to strive to be faithful to myself and my marriage. The pain you read on here can be profound, I would rather beat myself up pretty bad than inflict that on people I love.

My mother used to say " I have a right to be happy" , I feel like " I have a right to be happy but not at the expense of others"

You seem like a good person, I am cheering for you

[pcplod]

Why think about potential separation/divorce from your husband as HE deserves something better? Why not think in terms of YOU deserve something better? Why not think in terms of you both deserve something that simply serves you both better, albeit separately ie you are both experiencing alienation but you more so.

 

You describe yourself as driven and him as well, not. But we are not necessarily constants. At the age I am now I am definitely less driven than I used to be and I was never THAT driven, not like someone like Steve Jobs or someone who wants to a president or make uncountable amounts of money. However, having had a particularly cathartic experience that involved acute depression, I have had a hallelujah moment that has changed my perspective on life about what true happiness means to ME. That is not necessarily for anyone else, though.

 

I have tried to follow your story through your other posts but as many have been in response to others' posts that have been erased that has been difficult. However, I tentatively get the impression that both you and he have been trying in your different ways to address this gulf for quite some time without arriving at any truly meaningful resolution. On that basis, it maybe suggests that you never will because you simply cannot compromise and/or change enough. What makes him happy makes you discontent.

 

The only rather obvious thing I would suggest is that you need to be sure that your dissatisfaction with your relationship is down to the relationship itself rather than down to any intrinsic dissatisfaction with yourself that would travel with you like your shadow, out of the marriage. I would stress I don't get any sense of that.

 

The real dilemma for you, I suspect, is that in trying to make a final, probably irreversible decision you are struggling to make this a 'right' decision when the reality probably is that there is only an 'either/or ' decision which no matter what choice you make there is always going to be an element of regret, of having made a mistake of some sort.

 

Whatever it may be, it certainly won't be an impulsive action and it is best that it stays that way. An instinctive decision is not necessarily an impulsive decision either.

 

Good luck, whatever you do.

[Decisiontomake]

Wow - everyone is so great with the advice. I cannot thank you enough.

 

Last evening was horrible. We had a very long chat - instigated by my husband which is unusual, it's usually me doing the talking. He told me things he has never done before - things he is unhappy with, things he doesn't like about me. It was so strange. I just listened as be basically, and I stress calmly - we were just talking - picked me to pieces. I can feel this is because be doesn't know where to go with what's been going on. He is obviously toetured and starting to hate me because of that.

 

So last night I'm thinking - this is it - the trigger to separate. This morning I just feel sick.

 

Thoughts?

[Cb3657]

Maybe he is just responding, basically saying , look I know I'm not all you want but here are the things I don't like and live with. Sometimes life is like that, I could pick 50 things that drive me crazy about my wife, I bet she could pick more about me but do I think I could go out and find better -no, not because I'm a chump but because everyone has these things, finding someone else would just be a new set of little things to get used to.

I think if you are solid on leaving this gives some ammo, I just hope this is not a marriage phase, I have had times when I was sure my wife and I would split, not for problems just cause it seemed like a tired, sexless friendship, but we were able to persevere and I am so happy we did.

[Decisiontomake]

Maybe he is just responding, basically saying , look I know I'm not all you want but here are the things I don't like and live with. Sometimes life is like that, I could pick 50 things that drive me crazy about my wife, I bet she could pick more about me but do I think I could go out and find better -no, not because I'm a chump but because everyone has these things, finding someone else would just be a new set of little things to get used to.

I think if you are solid on leaving this gives some ammo, I just hope this is not a marriage phase, I have had times when I was sure my wife and I would split, not for problems just cause it seemed like a tired, sexless friendship, but we were able to persevere and I am so happy we did.

 

Thank you again for your input. We have had phases like this before - and like you, I've been pleased we didn't act on them. However, this feels different, more foundational, more impassable. A friend, who has known me since I was in elementary school and was bridesmaid at our wedding (so loves my husband too), said it's OK to say it may be some kind of phase or mid life crisis, but that I've been talking to her since 2008 about such issues and feeling discontent. She said it pains her to say it, but she thinks we're done and that neither of us can make that final break. I'm don't think she's wrong. And I don't think my husband is wrong in any of the things he levelled at me on Friday night either.

 

We subsequently chatted on Saturday, and ended up going back to a plateau again over the weekend. He's now affectionate and and I'm, well just here.

 

Feel like I'm torturing us both.

[Decisiontomake]

Your post was so thoughtful and so thought provoking - I cannot thank you enough. I commented on some of the specifics below.

 

Why think about potential separation/divorce from your husband as HE deserves something better? Why not think in terms of YOU deserve something better? Why not think in terms of you both deserve something that simply serves you both better, albeit separately ie you are both experiencing alienation but you more so. I guess I'm so used to it being him and me, that I can't think about the fact of it being me and someone else, or him and someone else that maybe has a better formula for success that we thought we had. A strange emotion given the feelings of wanting to get out that I have right now.

 

You describe yourself as driven and him as well, not. But we are not necessarily constants. At the age I am now I am definitely less driven than I used to be and I was never THAT driven, not like someone like Steve Jobs or someone who wants to a president or make uncountable amounts of money. However, having had a particularly cathartic experience that involved acute depression, I have had a hallelujah moment that has changed my perspective on life about what true happiness means to ME. That is not necessarily for anyone else, though.

 

I have tried to follow your story through your other posts but as many have been in response to others' posts that have been erased that has been difficult. However, I tentatively get the impression that both you and he have been trying in your different ways to address this gulf for quite some time without arriving at any truly meaningful resolution. On that basis, it maybe suggests that you never will because you simply cannot compromise and/or change enough. What makes him happy makes you discontent. I think we like the same things, and made happy at a foundation level by the same things, but I think our level of contentment is different. I seem to need more than he needs - more stimulation, more activity, more feeling alive. He is by his own admission a "plodder" who is happy just as he is. I envy that, but it's never been how I am.

 

The only rather obvious thing I would suggest is that you need to be sure that your dissatisfaction with your relationship is down to the relationship itself rather than down to any intrinsic dissatisfaction with yourself that would travel with you like your shadow, out of the marriage. I would stress I don't get any sense of that. I do think I have a tendency to continually look for things to make me happy - wanderlust is a good way to describe this - and so that's why I've fought this phase for so long (and have been doing IC) to try and rule out my feelings being down to that particular trait.

 

The real dilemma for you, I suspect, is that in trying to make a final, probably irreversible decision you are struggling to make this a 'right' decision when the reality probably is that there is only an 'either/or ' decision which no matter what choice you make there is always going to be an element of regret, of having made a mistake of some sort. This was definitely the most profound piece of your advice. I hear you entirely and you're right. I'd just not looked at it like that before. As a problem solver, I always want to feel like I'm making the "right" decision. So this just goes against my very core.

 

Whatever it may be, it certainly won't be an impulsive action and it is best that it stays that way. An instinctive decision is not necessarily an impulsive decision either.

 

Good luck, whatever you do.

[Decisiontomake]

thank you for your input, and humour!

 

STEADFAST,Wow you nailed it.

 

I will say this,if he is like I was,he is losing his confidence in himself at this point.I did and it hurt me worse than her running away.He is probably pointing out all of the little things he sees in nature,all of the sweet things he believes you care about and all of the things you once really did care about.Favorite flower,clouds,rainbows ponies etc. Oh gosh, this bit actually made me cry. You are painting a picture of what he is doing completely. It wasn't until we talked on Friday night that I found all this out - him feeling like I don't love him - him feeling like utter s*^t. I felt absolutely terrible seeing the evidence of what I've put him through, and also absolute fear in the realization that it's only been his unwavering love that has kept us going over the last few months, because he has in fact had enough for two of us. I know that doesn't make it better or lasting, but that's what's kept us here at the moment.

 

AKA,he is making a fool of himself.I did.ONCE....TWICE....

 

But not three times,this last time (Aug 2012) it was different,no more calls from me,no more chasing her,no more calling her friends and no more of her nonsense for me. I definitely felt him pulling away from me by the conversation we had on Friday night - and that made me feel some sense of relief (ie if it's not just me feeling this then we can move on and be done), and also a sense of awful selfishness that I've made him feel like that and turned his unconditional love for me sour.

 

I say these things because you should know that, after a while, other women will take notice of a good man and they won't play around when they find out what he is all about.They will come on strong,some will even do things that the WW never would!!! I know.

 

When he wakes up and gets his nads back,he may be as I am,happily single and gone.....forever.

 

You see when she did start to call me, text my family and call my friends....I did not answer and do not today.Maybe soon I will ,but not today.I'm busy!

 

If you love him,show him and swallow your pride.Do all the things he has done for you ,including making a fool of yourself. I do love him, but I guess not in the way I should to make the marriage work and last in a genuine way, rather than putting on a show.

 

If not ,let him go...fast.He will be fine,there's more than I can handle out here!