1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

I think he definately is shying away from whats uncomfortable, and he certainly is that with our situation. The gossiper is nothing But its the one thing he can manage and take his anger out on. I honestly hate to afmit it but im thrilled hes done with her and am hoping hes done with the buddy too. Only because she was a bad friend to us and the buddy is kinda of user. He only bothers with hubby when he needs hubby to fix his stuff free and do him favors.

 

Needless to say that is over now so hopefully we are both going forward. Im really hoping.

[tojaz]

Needless to say that is over now so hopefully we are both going forward. Im really hoping.

 

I hope so too Allie, but I fear he may just find another distraction once this one has passed, so far from his actions, i don't see him confronting anything head on until he has no other direction to go. It sounds like gossip gate is reaching an end, I guess we will see soon enough.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I just wanted to post that hubby, Dd and I did too. I cooked just like I always do and prior to things to being done i prepared dd that hubby might not sit with us at table and that if that happens well just smile and eat and be thankful he was at least there. Well to my surprise he put on the parade like always, carved the turkey, sat and ate with us, talked and helped me clean everything up. So for us it was a good day

[AllieKat]

So yesterday was my first day back to therapist. Needless to say it didnt ho quite the way I had thought. I figured shed tell me that hubby is dragging this out and i need to leave and etc...

 

Well she didnt at all. She seemed to take "his side" and basically told me that I need to be positive and PATIENT ( go figure) or I will drive him away. She thinks it be great if he talked to someone but didnt seem to be concerned with his lack of actions. She keep asking why Im being so pushy wanting things "my way". I felt like I got a ass chewing in a nice way. She said " you lied to this man that worshipped you, you rattled his core through and through it will take time and lots of love and patience to bring him back","hes got one foot in the cave and one foot out and it sounds like when he is ready to bring both feet out you tell him stay in your cave jerk"

 

Boy i felt bad afterwards but she said im the wrongdoer here and if i love him ill let him work this out in a timeframe thats comfortable to him. She said hes wounded and it may take him awhile to be brave enough to come back 100%! She said from what i have told her it doesnt seem like hes playing games she said it really just seems like hes scared to death of getting hurt again.

 

I dunno but going to counselor again made me feel better.

 

Hubby was been pretty quiet with me. I really think he was upset i left him on thanksgiving early to go shopping but he hasnt said anything he just isnt very talkative

[tojaz]

Something about that last post doesn't sit well Allie. While I'm an uneducated nobody, that doesn't sound like therapist speak at all.

[AllieKat]

Yeah shes was great but she did take his side completly!!! Not that im saying there is sides but she was more in the opinion he was ok doing what hes doing and im just to be ok with it. It annoyed me but talking to here did make me feel good just to be able to vent to someone

 

 

What was weird was some of the stuff ppl said on here she said too and i got their advice free.

[AllieKat]

Oh yeah i want to add that before she wasnt on his side at all. That was back in july and she still needs to catch up more on what going down but when i last saw her he wasnt really talking and was being snippy. Now i feel like just of a few things i told her she feels for him more and she actually told me that his behavior is because of the little boy in him. So its like she feel more compassion for him and less for me. I guess i sound selfish

[trippi1432]

Well, before we flog the counselor, we should remember that LS is not a replacement for therapy even if some of what you have read here seems similar to the advice you get from your counselor.

 

My take on your counselor's assessment and change from the previous position is because you are being more open and honest with her Hun. Your previous position was probably more towards feeling like the victim. Based on the things you have been told here, you just gave your counselor a bigger picture because you have been growing and learning things. Her compassion was with you to start with, now a little more on the hubby's side. While you may interpret it as blame (because if you honestly think about it, you probably still feel a little bit like the victim but also some guilt as well). It does affect the interpretation in my opinion.

 

With that said, patience...yeah, that's hard, but it's time to pull up the Big Girl britches and learn it. Just as much as his little boy side is hurting, your little girl side is hurting too. That's fair, we are all human. I would say for you to give some compassion to both yourself and your husband. As much as you want it "your way" this is your marriage and your husband, that's more important than having things your way. Maybe talking to your counselor about your expectations will help in the patience area.

 

I hope you go back to the counselor hun, keep working at it, I have faith you can.

[AllieKat]

Thanks Trippi- im going to go this friday too probably then start going every other week. When i was depressed she saw me every week but as i got stronger every 2! I still really like her i guess i just felt upset she wasnt saying what i wanted to hear.

 

One thing she wants me to work on is my self esteem and she wants me to stop staying at home just cause hes home. I guess i just feel like if hes home i want to be here. Even if we arent really interacting. Its really hard for me to be more confident because i just feel like im so unloved and unwanted and not just at home but with my family ?

 

She sees the way he is now as positive progress in the right direction and she think i need to let it develop on its on and stop being pushy with him and instead heal my self esteem. What i told her about him now was that if i ask him to do something for me he gladly will, told her how he is with DD, how he will let me know if hes doing OT instead of just letting me wonder where he is, we discuss household stuff again, he does not pick fights with me though to be jonest he never did it was me. I did tell her that sometimes he seems to get annoyed with me over nothing. He was never like that with me before unless we were fighting and he was being jerky but it makes me feel like he doesnt careless about me or that he thinks im dumb.

 

My whole thing is like i told her is if we are just doing this taking it day by day and just seeing if things develop with time isnt our marriage dying??? And arent we following into bad patterns? Im just so ready to make up and move on because im scared if we dont do something more this will be what our marriage is going to be like forever. She didnt think so because she feels like hes just as unhappy this way too and wont want to be "stuck" here. She also thinks that as long as the changes still happen even if slowly and minor its working toward a better marriage. She thinks that if he could just trust me he would and that she sees this often and those who appear to give trust soon usually dont trust they are just in a hurry to get things back to normal and forget what happened to break trust and often end up in the same situation again.

 

She really wants him to seek help but since he isnt and im her patient she wants to help me deal with the situation as best as i can and preserve the marriage. I will say this my time is only an hour with her and i tried to explain the last few months but she really just wanted to know where we were know.

[tojaz]

Well Allie, keep in mind that your therapist only has the information you give her and the tone in which yo give it. That is something I can relate to, because your take on events does tend to change at times from being very defensive to being very self critical (this is true for most people in your position). If you updated her from a critical state of mind, she will be more likely to try and side with you to bolster self esteem, if it was more defensive, she would probably back him up in order to cool things off a little. Trying to keep some balance I suppose.

 

" you lied to this man that worshipped you, you rattled his core through and through it will take time and lots of love and patience to bring him back","hes got one foot in the cave and one foot out and it sounds like when he is ready to bring both feet out you tell him stay in your cave jerk"

 

Boy i felt bad afterwards but she said im the wrongdoer here and if i love him ill let him work this out in a timeframe thats comfortable to him.

 

These are the quotes (I'm assuming they're quotes) that really rub me wrong, but at times that is exactly how you would (and have) described yourself in a critical state of mind.

 

Like Trippi pointed out, nobody here is a trained professional, but I still don't see your lie standing alone as being worth all the strife it has brought on you and I have seen him taking full advantage of the comfortable timeframe.

 

I like the way you compared it to your marriage dying because thats an important fine line. Where is patience and where is the inevitable end? Much like pushing a large stone up a hill, patience is important because it is a hard task with a lot of risk. It will take a lot of time and endurance to reach the top, but patience doesn't help if you continue to slide back to where you started... or in your case, a point above where you started but you continually seem to return to.

 

I would suggest printing out some of your posts from here on LS that cover the swings that have happened in the time you have been away from her so you can discuss things from all ends of the spectrum. Therapists often claim they wish they could be a "fly on the wall" this might be the next best thing.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Those quotes were things she said, now with that being said those are things she said before too that she had written down. I ofcourse told her about how he acted prior and im sure she did get that from me.

 

 

I have to be honest here I'm starting to really believe my husband does not love me anymore and that is why hes not doing anything except giving me excuses. Maybe he is afraid if he tells me that he knows I'll split and leave him with the bills. I dunno but thus far all hes said is he needs time and hes moving slower because thats what feels right to him.

 

I know I could point blank ask him but I think Im scared to because then I'll have to act. I think we are both comfortable even though we are both miserable too. I guess its possible he does love me still and is having a really hard time getting over my lies.

 

Seeing as his first marriage ended this way too. Not sure if Ive ever mentioned that but when he was 20 he had a girl he started talking to and would go see every two weeks. He was in the marine corps then. After a month she said she was preggo and he thinking he was doing the right thing married her only to find out a month later she had lied.

 

So he divorced her asap. He never loved her though it was just him doing what he thought was the right thing at the time. I think to be completly honest here I have to say when i lied i did know hed be super mad and divorce might be an option cause he valued honesty more than most ppl but i lied anyway. And then it took me a bit to tell him because i knew the fallout would be huge. Not sure if i ever said this either but im laying it all out because im finally able to go there 100%. I hope so much he does still love me and thats why hes still here not because its comfortable

[AllieKat]

Just typing to vent! Im lying here in bed thinking about my husband still having me blocked on fb and still not wearing his wedding ring!!! It makes me crazy!!! Im trying so hard not to go pick a fight with him because im so worked up thinking about this it makes me want to confront him.

 

I think after the holidays if things arent better then im drawing my line in the sand. I just cant keep wondering why he doesnt do better!! He claims everyone that knows him knows hes married and he hasnt worn it in months well true but guess what yoyr married wear it!!!

 

As for fb it just annoys me that both times ive upset him hes blocked me on fb. For all i know hes carrying on a EA there. When i sit and think i just get so upset and feel so disrepected

[tojaz]

Seeing as his first marriage ended this way too. Not sure if Ive ever mentioned that but when he was 20 he had a girl he started talking to and would go see every two weeks. He was in the marine corps then. After a month she said she was preggo and he thinking he was doing the right thing married her only to find out a month later she had lied.

 

No Allie, I don't think you ever shared that with us, I does bring a lot of things to light on why he was so particularly sensitive to that.

 

Lets not get worked up into a panic on what may or may not be going on via FB or anywhere else. Keep your focus on what you know, all of the possibilities will drive you mad and drive you to be more and more impatient.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

To be technical the ex even told him when he found out she wasnt preggo that she was but had a miscarriage, so really he never knew what to believe which is why their marriage only lasted i think 2mths. I guess im just going through a tailspin here trying to figure out why he hasnt come around yet and i guess im either at he doesnt love me or hes carrying on a online fb or etc relationship.

 

I just dont know! Hes working OT today a normal day for him to be off and ofcourse ill know if he really worked or not by whether he got paid OT but im debating on driving by his work to see if hes there. Hes never cheated on me nor does he ever have strange or even hardly any calls/texts from any strange numbers or ones i dont know. I was tempted to look at his phone while he was in bathroom but didnt. He doesnt look at fb on the pc he does it from his phone which isnt so weird cause im the same i barely ever use the pc.

 

I just started thinking and im now in full blown that must be it mode.i really hate my life right now at least this part of it. I feel like ill never get back that happy marriage (not perfect) i once had

[trippi1432]

Sweetie - You're regressing a bit here. Back to the struggle if he is being unfaithful.

 

The other information would have been good to know before-hand, but can't help that now...can only move forward with that information. Have you told your counselor about his previous marriage and how it ended. That's really important!!

[AllieKat]

Yes the counselor knows! Ive kinda never thought much about it because i figure its in the past and being around the military thats is pretty common my brither had a girl try the same thing so i guess i always figured it was his past but just another bad relationship rather a peek into why the way hes acting now might be coming from. Hes also got deep issues with his parents do to lying he grew up with them lying and doing drugs and drinking. Which i do know is why hes not against drinking and ppl who do drugs.

 

 

Im definately going back in a downspiral

 

Went by this work this AM and he was there!! Ugh thought that would make me feel better but it didnt

Edited November 26, 2012 by AllieKat

[AllieKat]

Hopefully im not annoying everyone... Nobody i can talk to right now so im just able to do it on here till i see counselor friday...

 

I asked hubby if he was talking to any women on Fb. Prior to that i said if i ask you something youll tell me straight right? Cause honesty is what you want from me right he said yes! So i asked if he was talking to any women and he said no then he just looked annoyed and i asked why he was annoyed and he said cause he feels like all i do is ask the same question and hes told me over and over again he would not do that. And he feels like im interagating him!!! Ugh

 

He said i told you to ask me anything but you keep asking the same thing and its frustrating. I dunno what to think??

 

I did ask him if we coukd go for a tree sunday and he said yeah but he seemed annoyed. Not sure if thats cause of the questions about Fb or because he just doesnt want to go get a tree with me. He could of said no!

 

I just really need some tough love here, even if its not in my favor.

[Steen719]

Allie,

I know it is hard, but try to just enjoy your life with him and your daughter. You have to be exhausted from constantly questioning everything, everyday. There is only a few weeks left until Christmas. Why not enjoy shopping with H or DD and getting your tree and decorating and baking? Stop asking him the same things over and over. You asking will not make the answer different, even if it is.

 

Practice patience and show love. You can't make this all go away by pushing, questioning, obsessing.

 

Dam*, girl. Enjoy each day you have been given.

[AllieKat]

Thanks Steen. I really have tried but i guess because im not getting enough in return from him it just feeds my insecurity. If he just hugged me or told me he still cared or acted happy to be around me, or would spend some quality time with me on a date or even just put his ring back on id feel that was a sign and i think id relax a little with my insecurities. Even with getting the tree he seems bothered to do it

 

He wont even go to football/cheer banquet now because its just to much drama all the way around. I think he just doesnt want to sit with me there but he said its just drama. Im going regardless to support Dd youd think he would too but nope :-(

Edited November 27, 2012 by AllieKat

[Steen719]

Thanks Steen. I really have tried but i guess because im not getting enough in return from him it just feeds my insecurity. If he just hugged me or told me he still cared or acted happy to be around me, or would spend some quality time with me on a date or even just put his ring back on id feel that was a sign and i think id relax a little with my insecurities. Even with getting the tree he seems bothered to do it

 

He wont even go to football/cheer banquet now because its just to much drama all the way around. I think he just doesnt want to sit with me there but he said its just drama. Im going regardless to support Dd youd think he would too but nope :-(

 

But, Allie, why can't you go to him and hug him? Be kind and loving to him and see if he eventually starts giving you what you want? You seem to want him to do this for that - it is like a dance with you and he in your mind. You move towards him and he should move toward you. Maybe you should move towards him a few times and see - maybe he will move toward you then. It is never even, Allie. It just isn't. You are going to drive him crazy and maybe away by being so insecure. Quit guessing what he means. Be a happy, secure person that he will want to be with. Give him a way to see the woman he fell in love with. I am not saying it should be all you, but maybe for a short while, you can stop always wanting validation. If he doesn't want to do something that you want to do, say, well do you want to go grab a bite? watch a game at a restaurant (like Chilis)? Go for a walk? SOMETHING beside always looking for him to respond in a certain way. My 2 cents.

[tojaz]

Allie, if he did the same things hes doing now but with his ring on his finger would you feel better? How about if he took you on an awkward "date"? Gave you a hug and then crawled back into his shell? How about sit next to you silently at the banquet while others gawked?

 

Allie get your mind off of trinkets, gestures, and signs and keep it on the bigger picture, that's what makes a hug comforting, thats what makes dinner a date, and that's what makes a wedding ring more then just another piece of jewelery.

 

All these things you keep wishing for won't mean a thing if there isn't something solid behind them, so start there and work your way out.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Great advice so far Allie - my offering, stop having so many expectations....it's not what he isn't doing that is feeding your insecurity, it's what you are doing to yourself in having so many expectations at one time of him.

[AllieKat]

But, Allie, why can't you go to him and hug him? Be kind and loving to him and see if he eventually starts giving you what you want? You seem to want him to do this for that - it is like a dance with you and he in your mind. You move towards him and he should move toward you. Maybe you should move towards him a few times and see - maybe he will move toward you then. It is never even, Allie. It just isn't. You are going to drive him crazy and maybe away by being so insecure. Quit guessing what he means. Be a happy, secure person that he will want to be with. Give him a way to see the woman he fell in love with. I am not saying it should be all you, but maybe for a short while, you can stop always wanting validation. If he doesn't want to do something that you want to do, say, well do you want to go grab a bite? watch a game at a restaurant (like Chilis)? Go for a walk? SOMETHING beside always looking for him to respond in a certain way. My 2 cents.

 

 

I've tried to be loving with him he doesnt seem to want that. Granted i havent tried for a few months other than when i tried to iniate sex a few weeks ago. I had done just what you said about asking him to go do stuff and its always been a NO! That rejection makes me react badlybecause it hurts.

[AllieKat]

Allie, if he did the same things hes doing now but with his ring on his finger would you feel better? How about if he took you on an awkward "date"? Gave you a hug and then crawled back into his shell? How about sit next to you silently at the banquet while others gawked?

 

Allie get your mind off of trinkets, gestures, and signs and keep it on the bigger picture, that's what makes a hug comforting, thats what makes dinner a date, and that's what makes a wedding ring more then just another piece of jewelery.

 

All these things you keep wishing for won't mean a thing if there isn't something solid behind them, so start there and work your way out.

 

TOJAZ

 

I guess seeing the ring for me tells me hes at least invested in the marriage as far we go now its a roomate thing and honestly it feels like im doing everything

[AllieKat]

Great advice so far Allie - my offering, stop having so many expectations....it's not what he isn't doing that is feeding your insecurity, it's what you are doing to yourself in having so many expectations at one time of him.

 

I know BUT its been 6mths i feel like those things should of evolved by now if he really loved me