1 month in the path to reconciliation

[trippi1432]

Yes Allie, you may have reached out, been loving....but each time, you had expectations of what he should be doing to make you feel more secure and happy in the relationship. And when he doesn't do them, you get frustrated and react badly.

 

While it has been six months, I feel nothing has evolved because the two of you have been doing nothing but push/pull the whole time. The information about his past says a lot about where his boundaries have been, and honestly, recreated an event from his past that hurt. When the first woman did that to him, it was a short relationship, the deep trust and love that the two of you have developed over time was not there with her....but that does not mean that the betrayal of it didn't hurt him.

 

I'm only relating this to your husband's side due to my own short relationship and first marriage to a serial cheater. While I came out of that a stronger person, when my second husband (a 15 year relationship) cheated, every hurt from the past came with that. My exH was a lot of things, a cheater was one thing I didn't take him for. It wasn't just his cheating, there was absolutely nothing "good" in those 15 years to make me remember the man I fell in love with to even want to try again with him.

 

Again, time to pull up the Big Girl Britches and learn to have zero expectations. You both have had some wonderful memories to look back on in those 7 years, think about that and think about the security you have in knowing that he does care about you and DD. Do things from that loving place without expecting anything in return. You will be surprised how that makes you become more at peace, confident and more secure. He needs to remember the woman you were before this happened (secure and independent)....right now, you are only showing him the woman he might have to spend the rest of his life with (frustrated and insecure).

[AllieKat]

I dont think i can trippi i still think hes carrying on FB! He denied but i dont believe it. I just feel like hes checked out of this marriage and im not even sure he cares about me or Dd maybe he does care for her but theres nothing showing he cares for me

[trippi1432]

Sweetie - you're still not getting it. Why don't you tell us how you love him and why. What feelings did he give you, what was it based on? Not actions...what feelings do you have for him besides anger when he isn't "showing" you love?

Edited November 27, 2012 by trippi1432
Fixed typo

[AllieKat]

I loved him because he made me feel like the preetiest woman ever. He always made me feel lije there was no other females on earth but me. The way he looked at me and i felt so loved and confident. When hes not showing me love besides anger I feel sadness for him, i just want to help him. I still feel love too but its a more guarded love.

 

Believe me i want to hug him and etc but when hes told me he doesnt want me to touch him. We talked this am and he said he feels like all i do is interrogate him. And im pushing and hes just not there and hes trying to figure ut out on his own. He said hes not staying here because of money or etc he is doung it in hope time will help...

Edited November 27, 2012 by AllieKat

[AllieKat]

He also told me he today the reason he doesnt want to so stuff with me is cause he just doesnt feel like doing anything fun. That i think is the depression hes feeling.

[aMguilts]

He also told me he today the reason he doesnt want to so stuff with me is cause he just doesnt feel like doing anything fun. That i think is the depression hes feeling.

 

his or yours?.

You are both feeding each other. He aint gonna quit is he??

He doesn`t want to do this he don`t wanna do that.

 

Best thing to do, ignore him,

go and book somethings without him.

You are always going on about what he`s done, he done this

he done tHat

 

He said he was doing OT ?? You didn`t believe him

 

And when you went and looked, he was doing OT!!

 

You will get NOWHERE by being what you are being now.

clingy,needy, insecure. keep asking him the same questions over and over

NO wonder he is tired!!

I`d be tired of you by now!

 

Allie, i know you want more

even just a little thing like him putting his ring back on.

It wouldn`t stop there thou would it?

 

You need to start being the one in control.

Really at the moment? You both need your heads banging together

aM

[aMguilts]

up to you, i just think you like the drama, you have done NOTHING to impoove yourself or your situation. most of the time, you make it worse.

just my view, nothing more, nothing less

i do expect nothing but a retaliation from you, guess thats how your hubby feels?

[AllieKat]

His depression. He told he is depressed. He doesnt want to do anything fun hes lost interest in things he normally liked

[aMguilts]

and that is stopping you??

 

he is this , he is that.

Allie really, what is stopping you from moving on? Don`t say him.

may wash for a few on here for a while..not me

 

You really want to move on??

He`s not stopping you!

You want him to stay thou?

For what reason? Cos YOU want him too?

Wouldn`t it be better if he stayed not because you wanted him too, but the other way round?

 

He is NOT going to want you all the time you are chasing him.

Really want him back?

Agree with him.

Take your ring off. Not in front of him. just take yours off and put it next to where he`s put his, right on top if its possible.

 

 

No he`s not depressed. He`s just bored. You being the way you are will just bore him more.

Give him a wake up call. Has he asked you what you want for christmas yet?

If not say you want him out before christmas

Wake up allie

How much longer is this going to go on for??

[aMguilts]

His depression. He told he is depressed. He doesnt want to do anything fun hes lost interest in things he normally liked

 

He`ll soon get out of his `depression` when he see`s you are happy.

 

for that , you need to be

[trippi1432]

I loved him because he made me feel like the preetiest woman ever. He always made me feel lije there was no other females on earth but me. The way he looked at me and i felt so loved and confident. When hes not showing me love besides anger I feel sadness for him, i just want to help him. I still feel love too but its a more guarded love.

 

Believe me i want to hug him and etc but when hes told me he doesnt want me to touch him. We talked this am and he said he feels like all i do is interrogate him. And im pushing and hes just not there and hes trying to figure ut out on his own. He said hes not staying here because of money or etc he is doung it in hope time will help...

 

So then help him Allie....give some of that responsibility for how he made you feel to yourself for a while. You still ARE all those things, nothing changed about you in that regard. The anger is because you are "expecting" the reaction you want and you are not getting it because that expectation is to make YOU feel that way about YOURSELF again. I'm not saying your selfish....it's insecurity. And yes, you are going to to still love him and it might be a little guarded.

 

He's probably very guarded right now and I agree, he probably is depressed and could probably use a counselor to talk to. That's not your job to get him to one, he has to do that for himself.

 

YOU need to be working on Allie...still hun. Do things with the DD, go out to lunch with a family member and DO NOT discuss your personal life or fears. Laugh and have fun, catch up on things...build on your happiness without making it his responsibility to make you happy. That's how you get back to secure and confident. And when you get there, you will start seeing a reaction.

 

Do nothing out of spite....no demands that he do this or that, throwing him out before Christmas or even making a statement with the rings. Simple....."DD and I are going to the game"..and go do it. It's his decision to go or his decision to ask questions...it's also HIS decision to wallow in self-pity. And please, please, please.....stop accusing him before you make it a reality (not a thump on men), but if you accuse them enough, they will do it because they will say that's what you expected of them.

[AllieKat]

Trippi you think i need to be loving toward him too?

 

 

Its been months since i tried other than my attempt to iniate sex at the beggining of the month. But its been monthes since i tried to hug him. Im just afraid if i do hell think im being pushy.

 

He goes away next week for 3 days for school. I had thought maybe id make him up a little travel package for him with maybe his favorite snacks, a drawing from dd and maybe a little note of encouragement for him. Is that to much or pushy?

 

I am saying here for all to read I AM DONE QUESTIONING HIM ABOUT BEING FAITHFUL, DONE QUESTIONING HIM ON WHEN HE'LL BE OVER HIS HURT, AND DONE PUSHING HIM!!!

 

Everytime it ends badly and nobody feels better. Now in the event i have some concrete proof or evidence of something thats different but Im sure I wont have that. I made up my mind that if he doesnt want to go cut a tree down Sunday and decorate I'll just suck it up and learn how. Im sure someone there will help me tie to the roof and etc.

 

Im not going to lie this is killing me cause i miss him. He always told such long funny stories and made things like getting a tree fun.

[Steen719]

Not too mushy or too pushy. Nice and put a little note in there that says you love him and you will miss him. Not a big deal, just a little love note from his wife.

 

Allie, make your life happier. You have something a lot of people want. There has been no infidelity and it seems as if you two still love each other. Go with that and stop questioning every, single, little thing. Live your life, let him know you love him and then be and act like a grown woman who wants her marriage to work.

 

Anyone can be unhappy. It takes some effort to be happy in spite of our problems.

 

P.S. Not saying sex is not nice, but I think you need some closeness and intimacy with your H more; some honest to God good feelings and affection. Go forward, Allie, quit looking back. It hasn't helped you and it is not going to.

 

That is my lecture for the night since I have to work. You have a chance that many don't have and if you don't take advantage of it, regret might end up being your constant companion. OK, there, now I am through...LOL!

[AllieKat]

Thx steen!! I'll try! When ive told him i would like affection that i miss it he just shrugs he had tried in oct and was being huggy and stuff and i was too be he said he felt like he was forcing himself to do before he was ready!

[Steen719]

No, no! Don't tell him what you want! Show him what YOU will give - You, without asking for assurances from him. Give your love and affection and don't keep asking for his in return. If it is there, the feelings he seems to have, you will get them back from him in time. Don't overwhelm, quit asking, just show some real affection for him without always wanting something back. How can he know you have it to give when you always want something in return? Slow down, show him how you feel and give him the chance to believe what you have is real. OK, now I am going to work. Good luck!

[trippi1432]

Trippi you think i need to be loving toward him too?

Yes, don't think that I have told you not to during all of this.

 

Its been months since i tried other than my attempt to iniate sex at the beggining of the month. But its been monthes since i tried to hug him. Im just afraid if i do hell think im being pushy.

 

Being loving toward him Allie is not just the act of sex, it's not just a hug or a kiss...there are quite a few ways to be loving....the act of just being thoughtful...

 

He goes away next week for 3 days for school. I had thought maybe id make him up a little travel package for him with maybe his favorite snacks, a drawing from dd and maybe a little note of encouragement for him. Is that to much or pushy?

 

Thoughtful.....like this!! Do this, with no expectations.

 

I am saying here for all to read I AM DONE QUESTIONING HIM ABOUT BEING FAITHFUL, DONE QUESTIONING HIM ON WHEN HE'LL BE OVER HIS HURT, AND DONE PUSHING HIM!!!

 

Good, that would be respectful.

 

Everytime it ends badly and nobody feels better. Now in the event i have some concrete proof or evidence of something thats different but Im sure I wont have that. I made up my mind that if he doesnt want to go cut a tree down Sunday and decorate I'll just suck it up and learn how. Im sure someone there will help me tie to the roof and etc.

 

Exactly...

 

And you can do that Allie, you are an independent person....which he was obviously attracted to. Now if you walk in with the tree, brag or sulk about it....then you are just back to square one. You do it because you know you can and it makes you happy to be doing it for you and DD.

 

Im not going to lie this is killing me cause i miss him. He always told such long funny stories and made things like getting a tree fun.

 

Of course you miss him Allie, he's your husband and you love him....but take some of that love and give it back to yourself for a while. Make it a fun time for you and DD...tell some of your own fun stories. DD may even have some funny stories to tell.

[AllieKat]

Ty ty ty not sure howd id get through this w/o you ppl helping me on LS.

 

Im going to try and give it 100% this time with no relapses.

 

Hes not speaking to me really tonight so im just giving him space and let him cool down. Hes upset about our conversation this AM.

[AllieKat]

Yesterday as I was nervously awaiting husband coming home( because I was afraid our convo Tuesday might have been the final nail in our marriage coffin) I got to thinking and realized this could be it and just because I felt the need to have things "my way". Not "our way" but just "my way". I decided that I really need to get a flippin grip so I decided I'd get hubby and Dd their favorite takeout and just deal with the consequences head on. The night of the fight I stayed out of his way and hung in the bedroom.

 

When he came home unhappiness was written all over his face. But as he came in the door I noticed he had copied sone stuff I asked him to and I knew he was still a nice guy doing things to help me out. Sohe hate dinner and we talked about misc stuff and i excepted it for just that.

 

Uhh lets hope I can get it together this time for all of us.

[Steen719]

Yesterday as I was nervously awaiting husband coming home( because I was afraid our convo Tuesday might have been the final nail in our marriage coffin) I got to thinking and realized this could be it and just because I felt the need to have things "my way". Not "our way" but just "my way". I decided that I really need to get a flippin grip so I decided I'd get hubby and Dd their favorite takeout and just deal with the consequences head on. The night of the fight I stayed out of his way and hung in the bedroom.

 

When he came home unhappiness was written all over his face. But as he came in the door I noticed he had copied sone stuff I asked him to and I knew he was still a nice guy doing things to help me out. Sohe hate dinner and we talked about misc stuff and i excepted it for just that.

 

Uhh lets hope I can get it together this time for all of us.

 

Oh by gosh, I think you have it! Now, keep it up.

[aMguilts]

Oh by gosh, I think you have it! Now, keep it up.

 

oh pleeeease , he wasn`t the one that lied!!

Touche it back if HE was the one posting on here?!!

 

Some of you have such double standards!

 

aM

[aMguilts]

if this was a guy, you ALL would of ripped him to shreds by now

don`t deny it, cos i`ve seen the proof in other posts

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Ty ty ty not sure howd id get through this w/o you ppl helping me on LS.

 

Im going to try and give it 100% this time with no relapses.

 

Hes not speaking to me really tonight so im just giving him space and let him cool down. Hes upset about our conversation this AM.

 

 

alliekat hi

 

sorry , this says all you need to know/

 

But you keep on and on at him,

 

Driving to his place at work to see he was there?

 

Give the guy and yourself a break?

You want him so much?

again, forget him!!!

 

Or just keep on

aM

[aMguilts]

100% at what ?

working at your marriage?

working for him?

Or you are going to give 100% working on you?

 

I`m with you 100% on the last option.

The other 2 i`ll help you if and when i can

aM

[Steen719]

oh pleeeease , he wasn`t the one that lied!!

Touche it back if HE was the one posting on here?!!

 

Some of you have such double standards!

 

aM

 

I am so confused by your posts aMquilts. I just don't understand where you are coming from.

 

I was telling Allie to be more understanding, loving with her husband and to consider that it needed to be both of their ways, not just hers.

 

I have plenty of empathy for the male posters on this forum. Ask some of them. What the heck is with you?

[AllieKat]

AM- working on me and working on my marriage.

 

 

I'm done with the fighting....and questioning

 

 

Even if everyone on here gave me a ear full and put me in my place or whatever none of that matters to change the situation that Ive created. I know i lied and I have to except the consequences. Believe me Ive lwarned my lesson about that. However I now have some other lessons to learn about give and take and im trying. Im not perfect and at many times ive got caught up in my own hurt and heartbroke and have felt desperate and have reacted to that desperation. Sure to others it may be so easy to see that what I have done thus far is not right but its sonetimes really hard to see when your stuck in that desperation and walking around in fogged glasses.

 

I'm trying?