1 month in the path to reconciliation

[aMguilts]

Allie they are only fogged because you wont `wipe` them.

 

I won`t pu**y foot around you . If you were a guy i`d treat the same.

I`m not racist,sexist, xenophobic, religious. I hate/love everyone equally.

 

I`m really sorry if it seem`s i`m having a go at you. I`m not.

Honestly!

The more you want something, the less you will have it? make sense?

 

A month left to christmas. ( yeah i know!!) . Make this a christmas to remember,

Make it you best one yet, for you.

 

I`m going to on my own on christmas day ( no boo hoo`s!!) . I`m still going to put a tree and lights up.

Know it`s hard allie, buck up for me ok?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

I am so confused by your posts aMquilts. I just don't understand where you are coming from.

 

I was telling Allie to be more understanding, loving with her husband and to consider that it needed to be both of their ways, not just hers.

 

I have plenty of empathy for the male posters on this forum. Ask some of them. What the heck is with you?

 

Steen719 i agree.

Been told this a lot of times

note to myself , look up the definintion of empathy and sympathy,

 

thank you steen

aM

[tojaz]

AM- working on me and working on my marriage.

 

 

I'm done with the fighting....and questioning

 

 

Even if everyone on here gave me a ear full and put me in my place or whatever none of that matters to change the situation that Ive created. I know i lied and I have to except the consequences. Believe me Ive lwarned my lesson about that. However I now have some other lessons to learn about give and take and im trying. Im not perfect and at many times ive got caught up in my own hurt and heartbroke and have felt desperate and have reacted to that desperation. Sure to others it may be so easy to see that what I have done thus far is not right but its sonetimes really hard to see when your stuck in that desperation and walking around in fogged glasses.

 

I'm trying?

 

Allie, everything seems clearer when your on the outside looking in. Most of the posters here have been in your place, and many of them have made the same mistakes. Some of those have these mistakes typed out in the recesses of this forum (such as yours truly). Thats why I would have to believe that I have used the words "learn from my mistakes" on every thread I have interacted in.

 

Thats the idea behind this forum, and its sometimes hard for new people to grasp that while they are in crisis. People here have learned from experience, have cried the tears, taken the bruises, and have the scars to show for it.

 

Listen to them, their glasses are clear.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Allie - the fact is, you are trying...and you are learning and growing from that. You can ask people here from with almost 100,000 posts and they will tell you that they are still learning too.

 

You learn, he learns and you both learn in a marriage.....no such thing as perfect. People "perfect" their marriage by continually growing together in it.

 

No need for your thread to regress hun, you are making progress.

[Yasuandio]

Here's an idea.

 

Stop what is not working.

 

How many times have I seen this word "desparation" attached to you - even you calling yourself desparate?

 

Try this technique perhaps, over the holidays.

 

STOP WANTING HIM.

 

Your deparation smacks of self pity - and I believe, it is possible he is losing more and more respect for you every day. You don't need him, you just want him - it is a desire - you can live without him. SO, STOP WANTING HIM. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

Like Steen said - start a Xmas revolution at your house for you and your daught - and leave the depreseed, kii-joy out of it. Show him you can be happy without him. The plus side is you have your daughter as a companion. Make it the Xmas of a lifetime for HER. Totally take your focus off of him.

 

I sincerely believe all this coddling is causing him to develop more and more contempt for you. You should only be nice to him when he is showing his good side - never be nice and accomidating to his bad side. That is rewarding negative behavior.

 

So, for his Xmas - give him a taste of his own medicine - work on yours and your daughter's Xmas and leave him out. He is doing nothing but causing you anxiety. If you would just look after your own happiness, and only respond to his positive behavior (of which there is not much ther seems), you might see some action. This has gone on long enough. It is so painful to watch. Please don't let it spoil the holiday for your daughter.

 

Take her out Ice skating, to the parades - don't bother asking kii-joy to come with. Just do it for yourselves. Try that on till the new year. Yas

[AllieKat]

Just thought id share my day! Had therapy today and we talked mostly about me and my goals for me! My therapist suggested that i foucus my negative thoughts at a journal instead of hubby.

 

She made me tell her 5 positive things about myself... Lol weird but I get it!

 

Hubby and I had a 3 hour conversation this evening about politics, news, movies, etc nothing about our issues just normal adult conversation and it was nice, it really felt like we were reconnecting. It was refreshing and kinda of reminded me of some of the things I love about him.

 

He told also told me he isnt going to school next week now. His boss at work decided he is keeping him at work instead because they are really busy. I feel bad he seemed really anxious to go and for the oppertunity. This is life just means something better is on the horizon!

[AllieKat]

So far so good...

 

Hubby actually asked me if I was still wanting to get tree today i casually said yes and he said when? I told him 1 and he got ready. We all went together had fun and grabbed some food on way home. Sure it wasnt like always but it was nice and Im glad he went. He was pretty chatty today and i just let him talk. I didnt try to force conversation or push myself at him. I just let him take the lead. He was very respectful and kind and I was sure to say thank you.

 

I was actually excited because he took me where he knew I wanted to go even though last week he made a few remarks about the new tree place being far. I had no expectations today other than my one Rule is no matter what I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. And I was and ofcourse I gave respect too.

 

My therapist gave me a print out about forgiveness and how its not just a one shot thing. It starts and stops and etc. i read it when i feel anxious just trying to remember this is a process and for my part sone of the things ive done may have contributed to the length. Same is true for DH some of the things hes done may have contributed to the length of time is taking. To bad we both couldnt of acted like the mature adults we are when this came about. Oh well no looking back only looking forward.

[AllieKat]

Just updating...

 

 

Things have improved thus far. Hubby did all the outside decorating for me w/o being asked. Yesterday he went to run errands and texted me to see if i needed anything or wanted anything. Then he made dinner for us and set the table for us to all eat together. I was so shocked but im just thanking him and letting it at that. ?

[AllieKat]

Everday cant be good right???

 

Dh isnt talkative at all. So in order to not sit around and feel bad or worry or etc i went out xmas shopping with dd to busy myself.

 

Im trying not to have expectations here but it is difficult because some days hes not talkative hes not mean but he acts like he could careless about anything. Im not going there with him but cant help but wonder WTF somedays???? Is this what my therapist told me is his struggling?

[tojaz]

Everday cant be good right???

 

Dh isnt talkative at all. So in order to not sit around and feel bad or worry or etc i went out xmas shopping with dd to busy myself.

 

Im trying not to have expectations here but it is difficult because some days hes not talkative hes not mean but he acts like he could careless about anything. Im not going there with him but cant help but wonder WTF somedays???? Is this what my therapist told me is his struggling?

 

Nobody can interpret his actions Allie. You, me, other posters, your therapist, its all just an educated guess.Him going cold could be anything from a bitter down swing to just a bad day.

 

Don't drive yourself nuts reassessing your progress day by day. They call it a roller coaster for a reason.

 

Stick to the big picture Allie, not just in your actions, but in your thoughts as well. You remain consistent, it is up to him to decide where he fits in.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I know your right Tojaz! Im so lonely and i have NOBODY to talk to anymore! I have a great day with him and want to hug him and tell him i love him but feel like if i do im going to be to pushy. I have nobody to tell my good day to so i come here. Same goes with a bad day

[tojaz]

I know Allie, don't mistake the lack of posts on your thread for absence.

 

I like seeing you share the good days and people are here reading for when you have a bad one. Can't speak for Trip and Yas, but I have been hanging back and observing because I am hoping you start taking that big picture view... where your life, your hopes and dreams, aren't hinged on whether its an up or a down swing. Enjoy his good days and even more important, find a way that YOU can enjoy YOUR life on HIS bad ones.

 

You did just that.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I guess the hard part here is accepting the person he is now! Im not sure if his actions are that of the new hubby or are just that of a hurt guarded person. He never acted like this even when he had bad days. It matters only because the way he is now if that is how hell be from now on im not in love with that guy. I love the other guy and i think i focus so much on his actions because its opposite of the man i fell in love with and this guy now isnt really lovable.

 

Ill be glad when things are how they will be so i can decide if i want to continue the marriage. I know hes changed and i understand that but if thenew him is this guy that isnt loving, or sweet then divorce is in my future.

 

Not sure if that makes sense how i explained it

[tojaz]

I guess the hard part here is accepting the person he is now! Im not sure if his actions are that of the new hubby or are just that of a hurt guarded person. He never acted like this even when he had bad days. It matters only because the way he is now if that is how hell be from now on im not in love with that guy. I love the other guy and i think i focus so much on his actions because its opposite of the man i fell in love with and this guy now isnt really lovable.

 

Ill be glad when things are how they will be so i can decide if i want to continue the marriage. I know hes changed and i understand that but if thenew him is this guy that isnt loving, or sweet then divorce is in my future.

 

Not sure if that makes sense how i explained it

 

It makes sense Allie. I doubt he really knows if this is the new him or not, hence the drastic swings. Unfortunately he's not willing to get into the situation and find out.

 

All you can do Allie is take it day by day and treat him according to what he's putting out. God day, let him know, treat him like you would the guy you love. A bad day? Well you said it yourself, a guy that can't be loving towards you doesn't deserve your attention or effort. Don't pick a fight, or try to make a point. Just bluntly remove yourself from the situation and carry on with life without him for that moment.

 

Eventually he'll get the hint, or you will, depending on who he decides to be.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Yes, I'm still here reading and observing....Honestly, my opinion is that perhaps you just notice how he is now more because of how you personally feel about the situation Allie. You are taking his hurt on you due to the guilt you feel in part and because you do love him. You won't really know the happy side of yourself until you forgive yourself. How can he forgive you if you continue to blame yourself and put him responsible for making that go away? I can tell you that remorse is huge and a dark shadow over your life, I've carried it for my children all their lives. It affects everything, your security, your strength and knowing yourself.

 

So when he is having a bad day, where is Allie judging that from?

[AllieKat]

Yes, I'm still here reading and observing....Honestly, my opinion is that perhaps you just notice how he is now more because of how you personally feel about the situation Allie. You are taking his hurt on you due to the guilt you feel in part and because you do love him. You won't really know the happy side of yourself until you forgive yourself. How can he forgive you if you continue to blame yourself and put him responsible for making that go away? I can tell you that remorse is huge and a dark shadow over your life, I've carried it for my children all their lives. It affects everything, your security, your strength and knowing yourself.

 

So when he is having a bad day, where is Allie judging that from?

 

Not sure ge honestly was never quiet even when he had a bad day. When hed come home from work he woukd come say hi not just sit on couch and keep to himself. However when hes been mad at me or upset that was theonly time he was quiet or stand offish. I do still feel remorseful but im over it i cant take it back and it was 6 mths ago. I just find it hard to escspe it when hes still seemingly stuck there.

 

I will say this we have made progress in a lot of areas in these last 2 mths if talking. Him choosing to go as a family to get a tree was huge and making dinner for us on his day off another huge step. I see those things and they give me a sense of good things to come...slowly but still. My self esteem is a work in progress. He didnt ruin it or help it it was always tainted. And im working on that, but my struggle is missing the intimacy and i cant reallyget that from anywhere else. Sometimes i just want to be held or cuddle. And im to scared to go hug him without knowing he wont reject me or feeling like im pushing myself on him. He just doesnt seem open to it so i dont.

 

He really doesnt have bad behavior. Hes not mean or rude just quiet. I did say a few words to him yesterday but left him be for the most part and did my own thing. He looked beat from work. He works 10 hour days and hes a mechanic on rigs so its hard work; id be beat too i guess.

 

I think sometimesi expect him to just give me him back 100% because thats what i want and it makes me happier. But i honestly believe hes being guarded because thats who he is and he isnt just a forgiving person who can just get over it cause i want him to or cause its been 6 mths. I try to keep in mind that if he was completely out if love hed be gone. He isnt a game player or a user so hes still here. He also wouldnt do some of the things he does. It really seems like the less pressure i put on him the more he participates in our family.

 

So... When hes having a bad day i judge that from his quietness and body language. And from how he was. I know him well enough to tell when he had a bad day but now i change how i act on it. Normally i would ask him how he is and what happened and hug him or try to cheer him up but i dont feel like id be much cheer because he doesnt find me as funny as he used to and i dont think he likes my hugs as much.

 

Just realized this is the week I was due if I hadnt lost the baby! Not sure if hubby realizes that too but he remembers everything

Edited December 7, 2012 by AllieKat

[trippi1432]

I know him well enough to tell when he had a bad day but now i change how i act on it. Normally i would ask him how he is and what happened and hug him or try to cheer him up but i dont feel like id be much cheer because he doesnt find me as funny as he used to and i dont think he likes my hugs as much.

 

Well, you can still ask him how he is and participate from there. It isn't your responsibility to make him get out of his bad mood, he has to do that for himself. You do see though where those thoughts took you to...."you don't feel like you would be much cheer because he doesn't find me as funny as he used to and I don't think he likes my hugs as much."

 

If his bad mood spills over to the home and lets him go in circles about everything that has occurred, the only thing you can do is refuse to participate in his bad mood. Don't cater to him, but don't stop doing the loving things you used to do either. Just be Allie, no walking on a tightrope and no quips to start anything to get a reaction (that is insecurity at work). Personally, I think when he starts to feel happy and secure in the relationship, he takes a step back and pulls that past up to what has happened. Not that he is blaming you, he may be just as much blaming himself. That is for him to figure out though. He will eventually figure out how he wants to participate without you trying to force it.

 

You have made progress Allie, and you are right, the less pressure you put on him, the more he participates. I understand how frustrating it is when you want it back to how it was and when he sticks his neck out, you want more and to get back there quickly. It takes patience and what was meant to be will be. Not to be trite on that, but you need to find ways to build your own self esteem without making him the responsibility for it. Didn't mean for this to be a lecture as I think you already know all of this. But like you said, "I just find it hard to escape it when he's still seemingly stuck there." Respect his feelings about what happened, but don't let them take away your ability to find your own happiness in everyday life.

 

Just saw your last edit Hun, {{Hugs!!}}. That may weigh on both of your minds today.

Edited December 7, 2012 by trippi1432
Adding comment.

[AllieKat]

Thx Trippi- it just occured to me! In everything you and yas and tojaz and everyone has has said ive missed the just be allie thing! I have NOT been me! Ive been either Nutty insecure fight picker Nancy or Trying to hard Tina! Lol

 

An epiphany!!! Wow

 

Ok then back to me....

[Yasuandio]

Thx Trippi- it just occured to me! In everything you and yas and tojaz and everyone has has said ive missed the just be allie thing! I have NOT been me! Ive been either Nutty insecure fight picker Nancy or Trying to hard Tina! Lol

 

An epiphany!!! Wow

 

Ok then back to me....

 

That's a great epiphany!

 

I bet the "Real Me Allie" would respond kindly to kind behaviors (positive reenforment); and ignore and walk away from sub-standard behavior/treatment (no attention - a big zero, no reaction).

 

 

Yas

[AllieKat]

Yes Yas your correct!! The real allie is loving, sweet, easy going and fun. Heck i miss her!! She was independent but not to the point of being stubborn and refusing help.

[tojaz]

Thx Trippi- it just occured to me! In everything you and yas and tojaz and everyone has has said ive missed the just be allie thing! I have NOT been me! Ive been either Nutty insecure fight picker Nancy or Trying to hard Tina! Lol

 

An epiphany!!! Wow

 

Ok then back to me....

 

:bunny: By Jove I think shes got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now I can spackle up all these forehead shaped dents in my wall.

 

Another benefit of this Allie (besides the fact that its easy and should come naturally to you), its consistent. Besides being difficult and stressful for you, it will lighten his stress some to only have to be faced with Allie rather then the Allie, Nutty Nancy and To hard Tina trifecta!!!

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

? Great night here. Dd asked to have friend spend the night and literally Ive said NO to this question since hubbys and I started having issues but before saying no today I texted hubby at work cause heck thats wgat I would normally do to see if he cared, and by George he said yeah thats fine. So, dd is having a sleepover and we ordered pizza and hubby and sat and have been chatting. And watching tv. Nothing super or anything but NORMAL!!

 

Maybe getting back into our routines doing stuff like weve always done is something else I should of picked up on before. I was all set on "changing habits and routines" as a way to shy away from our issues but in reality that wasnt the best choice.

 

Sorry bout your walls Tojaz ?

[tojaz]

? Great night here. Dd asked to have friend spend the night and literally Ive said NO to this question since hubbys and I started having issues but before saying no today I texted hubby at work cause heck thats wgat I would normally do to see if he cared, and by George he said yeah thats fine. So, dd is having a sleepover and we ordered pizza and hubby and sat and have been chatting. And watching tv. Nothing super or anything but NORMAL!!

 

Maybe getting back into our routines doing stuff like weve always done is something else I should of picked up on before. I was all set on "changing habits and routines" as a way to shy away from our issues but in reality that wasnt the best choice.

 

Allie, I'm going to go one better and say to skip the routines altogether and just make it up as you go along.

 

Routine is status quo and that is what gets you anxious, over analyzing, etc.

 

When a situation arises, sweep the rest to the side and do whats best for Allie. If that happens to be what was routine... fine. If not, well thats fine too. Everything is changing here Allie, theres nothing wrong with that, as a matter of fact it's good because the old routines didn't work so well.

 

Get away of changing for the sake of change though. Its a new day, new Allie, new hubby, new decisions, new routines. Do whats right for Allie and the rest will find their place.

 

Sorry bout your walls Tojaz ?

No worries, wouldn't be the first time.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Now I can spackle up all these forehead shaped dents in my wall.:pTOJAZ

 

Sorry bout your walls Tojaz ?

 

No worries, wouldn't be the first time.

TOJAZ

 

Apologies, but that was funny as I can imagine that!! :laugh:

[AllieKat]

Well today would be another down seing with hubby. He came home from work very quiet!! I was making dinner and i said hi he just nodded it. Thats ok i just kept doing what i was doing and let him know when it was ready. I asked him how work was and if he was tired while eating and he said work was busy and that hes really tired. I figured hed was i had to wake him for work this am or hed would of been late.

 

He thanked me for dinner and i politely said sure. I could see he wasnt going to talk much so i went on about wrapping xmas presents. It bothers me but i know i must remain contistent and go on about my own business. So thats what im doing.

 

It only stinks caused im bored out if my mind most evenings. Money is tight right now as Im budgeting for xmas so theres not really extra to go see a movie or drive around and dd is busy all the time either with activities or friends so i gotta find a hobby on weekends. Especially in the evening.