1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

Ouch! No I'm not dumb! But thanks for asking.

[AllieKat]

I just dont think thats it jakey... Sorry! Hes not a game player hes actually a good guy. I guess i see how you think that. Im sure theres lots of guys doing that to their wives

[Yasuandio]

I'm getting worked up because I know I'm right and your husband is playing you. Don't be offended but you need tough love and nobody is giving you any on here!

 

 

 

 

YOUR BEING PLAYED LIKE A FIDDLE WAKE THE F**K UP AND FILE FOR DIVORCE. HE IS LYING AND USING YOUR DUMBASS AND MORE SO THEN MOST GUYS CAUSE YOUR FALLING FOR IT AND ALL HE HAS TO DO IS BE NICE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK AND YOU SHUT UP AND HE GETS PEACE. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SLEEP WITH YOU OR HUG YOU. DAMN HE'S GOOD! HE IS DOING THE BARE MIN. AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT. YOU MEANWHILE LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT ALLIE

 

Jakey, I see your approach to communicating with others is somewhat blunt, so say the least. This is an issue we share, and it can turn other people off. Is it a deep anger within us? Does Allie's situation hit a tender nerve?

 

Nonetheless my xh witheld sex from me for years - so, I guess in your opinion he hated me. I think you are right. I certainly find it welcoming to have another man's perspective on this very topic, and I actually learned something from this post. However, you can say the same thing to Allie without hostility. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Quite possibly if I just say your a F*****g moron you will wake up for your kids sake. What? Allie nothing to reply with? I bet you disagree?

 

This is a prime example of what I referred to above.

[Yasuandio]

I think she needs a wake up. You a have coddled her enough! Do you agree with me about her husband?

 

In some ways, yes I do, and my position is on record here. However, Jakey, Allie can only digest what she is going to digest. You cannot shove it down her bleeding throat. Yas

[AllieKat]

Wow Jake ok thats your opinion and I do believe your wrong. My husband isnt a liar and isnt a game player so trust me though i have no way of knowing the outcome here i do know he isnt cheating or using me. You need to tame your words. Dont be disrespectful! If you have an opinion fine share it but dont call me names and curse it doesnt help anything

[AllieKat]

Thx jake for your thoughts! I'm not even going to respond. Have a nice evening

 

Allie

[Yasuandio]

I have read what you've said but most recently you too seem to encourage. Its like giving a druggy pills in hopes he'll quit. It's maddening!

 

Obviously, Jakey - you missed Allie's and my communcation about her husbands character traits. Based on her description of the man (and she is the one to know), I believe, if Allie wishes to endure his treatment for a time, perhaps he is worth the investment. It really could be true - that breaking "TRUST" was the wrong move and came close to a dealbreaker (as some find infidelity a dealbreaker).

 

Remember, this is Allie's life, and her decision to make.

 

And, indeed, there has been progress in the past weeks. You have a lot to contribute - I see that right now, but try to be nicer, Jakey. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Can't be nicer when someone is being so stuid. Progress? Lmao he sat at table with her?? Holy crap that makes a marriage! Wake up progress would be him being a husband in everyway to her not talking to her and sitting at a table to eat. I mean christ where else would he sit to eat on the floor?

 

Again, Jakey, I can see you have a lot of perspective to contribute. However, if you do not correct your hostile tone - the moderators will delete you - then, you will not be heard, period. Nor - will any of us be able to offer you advice on your problems. There are rules on this forum you need to review. Yas

Edited December 9, 2012 by Yasuandio

[tojaz]

Allie, Yas, don't waste your time replying to jake here. 11 posts, 1 on his own thread the rest spreading venom on yours. Just another angry bitter troll looking to spread his misery to others. Hit the report button and pretend it never happened. Much more worthwhile things to spend our time on... like organizing my sock drawer by hue or counting and naming dust bunnies.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Boy oh boy this seems to always happen to me. I attract the thread killers.... Lol. A few weeks ago I would of let those things he said put the fear of god in me and i would of sat thinking omg, is he right? Then i would of kept thinking on it seeing how i could make it seem true then id go jump the guy and accuse him just because someone put the idea out there and i was baited into going with it cause i was so unsure and nervous.

 

Not anymore! ?

[AllieKat]

Not sure if I'm just starting to see a new side of hubby or whether Im just looking at him differently but today was a good day. I made some yummy food to watch football together and we watched two games and talked the whole time and most of the day.

 

Hes does nice things for me which really arent a huge deal but when weve been in that dark place of negative these small tiny things are really nice and i so appreciate it all. I had to run to store quick and while i was out he took trash out did dishes and dug my wing fryer out. Not much but all kind gestures.

 

Through talking i realized hes had a few tough days at work this week. Hence the quiet days i think. Its becoming apparent when he has a bad day at work he comes home and gets quiet because if he lets out his bad mood to me it cause a fight with me and thats the last thing he wants. I really think thats the reason for the quiet. Before our issues he would vent at home and it was ok because we were ok.

 

Its weird but i feel different towards him this week then i did almost like im understanding him better. I think before i felt the need to fight with him but i dont feel like that anymore. Granted things are the way i want them but im sure they arent the way he wants them either. I may be growing or healing or something but i just feel different with him not in a bad way at all. I feel more positive and i see change its small but i see it, i feel it! I sound silly but im serious.

[Yasuandio]

Time will tell, time will tell, Allie. Yas

[trippi1432]

It's about perspective Allie. Don't over think it.

[tojaz]

Sounds like your getting it Allie. Now next time he's quiet you have an idea why, now you an use that. Next time hes quiet and you pik up that vibe, ask him if he had a hard day at work, letting him feel comfortable about something he usually is quiet about can open a new level of communication.

 

If hes willing to talk, you might be able to learn a little more, if he isn't... well just let him be and keep doing what you've been doing.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Jake- i'm sorry for whatever youve gone through and etc. i get where your coming from. Who knows you could be right but till i know for sure im taking my chances on love and my hubby. I really do love him and want our marriage to work!

[tojaz]

. Tojaz your a male, correct? Do you not agree with me? If he wanted her he would be loving her as we speak not ignoring her.

 

Yes Jake, I am male. Not that I think gender really plays any kind of roll here.

 

Allies story has been a very complicated one that has spanned close to seven months and over a half dozen threads on this forum. Have you read them all? or have you based your advice on the last handful of posts without getting the backstory?

 

Things are very rarely as black and white as we would like them to be. Yes in a perfect world where all things were clear and simple what you say would be true... (If he wanted her he would be loving her as we speak not ignoring her.) sure seems simple enough at a glance, but if that statement is simple and true then one would have to ask.. If he didn't want her, then wouldn't he leave? Would he share a meal with her? finances? a bed?

 

Now the picture gets rather murky doesn't it.... as affairs of the heart tend to do.

 

I'm glad you want to help and to try and give another perspective, but statements like you have made here, characterizing people as stupid and such, are not merely blunt, but callous, narrow minded. Even if said with the best of intentions, statements like that have no place in a statement that is designed to help someone, especially in a situation you have no intimate knowledge of.

 

There could be plenty of assumptions on why you haven't dated 2 years after divorce, and a "blunt" person could go to you out on your thread on every one, people didn't do that though, they shared their own experiences and offered what they could in an understanding and respectful way. To help others here, all you have to do is return the favor.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

dont shoot me tojaz here but we dont share a bed! We did for a few weeks but that stopped. He said the new bed doesnt feel good on his back! Ive asked him this several times thinking maybe it was an excuse cause he didnt want to be near me. He insists that its cause of this back.

 

Is this something I should be worried about?

 

I really do think hubby is holding back things till he is sure he can trust me with his heart. I think he knows he can trust me otherwise and he knows im not a liar liar pants on fire but i think it boils down to pride and feelings. Mostly feelings. He told me when we had that fight prior to this that he took a chance and gave me his heart and wasnt giving it back because he wasnt putting himself out there to get hurt again... He did and then this so i think hes on high guard. Hes a bug tough guy but he cant deal with hurt well. Not that he should.

 

I know i know im overthinking it.... Lol not really though this is a simple diagnosis from what hes told me and me knowing him. I dont think he can seperate sex from emotions either so us just having sex isnt going to fly when hes still hurting and dwelling on what i did. I think the emotions involved like kissing, hugging etc will be the last thing that shows but not till hes ready to give me himself 100%. Its a safety thing for him

 

Im similar with my mom she has hurt me and i cant allow myself to be a daughter to her like i was to my father because im guarded and keep her at a safe distance or at times no contact. And thats my mom.

[trippi1432]

I would say it's over thinking it again honestly Allie. I believe you have said that he had back problems prior to any of this happening. My question would be how did you handle that issue then as opposed to how you are assessing it today as more of an excuse on his part??

[AllieKat]

I would say it's over thinking it again honestly Allie. I believe you have said that he had back problems prior to any of this happening. My question would be how did you handle that issue then as opposed to how you are assessing it today as more of an excuse on his part??

 

Well then his back issues were bad but he still slept in bed and our bed then was worse. When we went to pick one he was diligant to find one that felt ok but he onlt slept there a handful of times and he was sleeping on floor in living room but a month ago we got a new sofa and now hes sleeping on that. I havent asked him about sleeping in bed again since last tiff a few weeks ago. I figure its a lost cause asking cause he seems hell bent its the bed! Well its maddening but whatever.

 

When this stuff gets brought up i feel that anxiousness again. I'll try not to overthink it but its hard when everything else is peachy except my marriage.

[Yasuandio]

Well then his back issues were bad but he still slept in bed and our bed then was worse. When we went to pick one he was diligant to find one that felt ok but he onlt slept there a handful of times and he was sleeping on floor in living room but a month ago we got a new sofa and now hes sleeping on that. I havent asked him about sleeping in bed again since last tiff a few weeks ago. I figure its a lost cause asking cause he seems hell bent its the bed! Well its maddening but whatever.

 

When this stuff gets brought up i feel that anxiousness again. I'll try not to overthink it but its hard when everything else is peachy except my marriage.

 

Allie,

 

Just my perspectvie on this last post of your's.

 

Let's say you take "overthinking" out of the eqausion. Ok?

 

Now, read your post - and take your statements as statements of fact - rather than putting an any "emotional spin" or "reaction" on what the facts mean (that is - take away "maddening or any feeling).

 

The post ten states he does not sleep with you. Even with an acceptable new matress, he has chosen the floor or couch.

 

Now -- those are facts. How might you reasonably interpret such facts? It's simple. He doesn't sleep in the bed. Would he sleep in the bed if you moved to the couch? That would be an interesting experiment.

 

If someone else told you these facts - what conclusions would you draw (don't over think it - what does it generally mean?) I'm not trying to cause you any pain - trying to provide option of seeing these events/behaviors as facts - rather than overthinking them. Yas

[AllieKat]

Allie,

 

Just my perspectvie on this last post of your's.

 

Let's say you take "overthinking" out of the eqausion. Ok?

 

Now, read your post - and take your statements as statements of fact - rather than putting an any "emotional spin" or "reaction" on what the facts mean (that is - take away "maddening or any feeling).

 

The post ten states he does not sleep with you. Even with an acceptable new matress, he has chosen the floor or couch.

 

Now -- those are facts. How might you reasonably interpret such facts? It's simple. He doesn't sleep in the bed. Would he sleep in the bed if you moved to the couch? That would be an interesting experiment.

 

If someone else told you these facts - what conclusions would you draw (don't over think it - what does it generally mean?) I'm not trying to cause you any pain - trying to provide option of seeing these events/behaviors as facts - rather than overthinking them. Yas

 

Being simple he doesnt sleep with ME. Thats that i guess! I have slept on the couch once since we started talking again and that was when we had old couch and he was still sleeping on floor next to couch. He didnt move he still slept on floor. So i dunno. When he did sleep in bed after we first got it he woke up saying his back hurt and the floor felt better so its anyones guess. Doesnt matter i guess cause i cant make him sleep in bed with me.

 

This is so frustrating. The thinking about why and etc. all i know is what he tells me and i hope its the truth.

 

Came home yesterday to the entire kitchen cleaned up from top to bottom. I thanked him but he wasnt talkative he worked overtime and this time i didnt go check to see if he was there. When he got hone he was quiet. I asked if he had a tough day he said no but he was tired cause the night before and when i was asking him he had awful heartburn and it kept him up all night. Ughh

[Yasuandio]

Honey, I guess all you can do is keep on keeping on.

 

I understand that "overthinking" think cause I'm obsessed with it myself. But it helped me to re-read your post in the fashion I described. I'm not sure it was clear enough - but somehow, I want to apply same kind of method to my situation.

 

Fact: Divorced

Fact: He's not here.

Fact: I've been renting out too much space in my head/mind on this issue (for waaaaaay too long).

 

Easier said than done. Even with divorce, and new-found sort of freedom - little remembrances get me "overthinking," (late check payment, a recent favor he asked (something really that he didn't need me to do - he could have done it himself. But the handwritten note - just gets that overthinking started again.

 

I feel my burrons are being pushed post-divorce, at the time I am most accepting of ACCEPTANCE (the thing I am most certainly willing and ready to get on with). Do you ever have that feeling your buttons are being pushed?

 

I keep praying for your success. Yas

[AllieKat]

Oh yas i cant even imagine what you went through and now what your left with. Im an over thinker by nature sometimes its not a bad thing but sometimes my insecure mind lets me go elsewhere. Its hard especially when someone pops up with something that i may think is a "red sign" so to speak that things are as hopeful as i wish.

 

My facts are:

 

We are still married

He hasnt been to a lawyer

No Divorce word has been uttered in months

Hes particpating more

Hes home ALL the time ( he goes to work and back and thats about it)

There is no proof or signs of infidelity

 

 

Sure im still really bothered by the little things because i knew hubby loved me when he told me and showed me. With that absent it feeds my insecurity. Last time when i saw him put his ring on i knew he was not mad anymore, so yes those things arent supposed to be anything but things but their meaning to me is important. I see how jakey thinks im getting played, i might think the samething if i was reading this not knowing husband. Maybe im dumb but i really dont think hes doing that. I think hes conflicted and he told me if its causing me pain or etc and i cant wait and see if time helps hell go now but im committed to giving him more time. Not sure how much but i know we need to be able to have some solid monthes w/o me pressuring and pushing thus far i havent been able to keep my mouth shut and stop the crap... Well i have now for 2 weeks but thats not long

[Yasuandio]

Oh yas i cant even imagine what you went through and now what your left with. Im an over thinker by nature sometimes its not a bad thing but sometimes my insecure mind lets me go elsewhere. Its hard especially when someone pops up with something that i may think is a "red sign" so to speak that things are as hopeful as i wish.

 

My facts are:

 

We are still married

He hasnt been to a lawyer

No Divorce word has been uttered in months

Hes particpating more

Hes home ALL the time ( he goes to work and back and thats about it)

There is no proof or signs of infidelity

 

I think you should refer to these facts when you start that overthinking thing. Kinda of like when I asked you to describe Hubby's character....You can always reflect on those set of observed facts when you feel rthat compulsion to overthink. Then - go to the facts (like you listed).

 

 

 

Sure im still really bothered by the little things because i knew hubby loved me when he told me and showed me. With that absent it feeds my insecurity. Last time when i saw him put his ring on i knew he was not mad anymore, so yes those things arent supposed to be anything but things but their meaning to me is important. I see how jakey thinks im getting played, i might think the samething if i was reading this not knowing husband. Maybe im dumb but i really dont think hes doing that. I think hes conflicted and he told me if its causing me pain or etc and i cant wait and see if time helps hell go now but im committed to giving him more time. Not sure how much but i know we need to be able to have some solid monthes w/o me pressuring and pushing thus far i havent been able to keep my mouth shut and stop the crap... Well i have now for 2 weeks but thats not long

 

It was a very long time to get my divorce, indeed - 4 years of uncertainty (a rollarcoaster of hoping, as well as fear). And it was a lot to go through, you are right, Allie. But one thing I know FOR SURE:

 

I did every possible thing I could do to save my marriage. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

 

Even with my mistakes, errors in judgment on how I might have handled things sometimes, my over-reations, my embarrassing moments of making an idiot out of myself - - all in all, I know those errors did not make any difference - because of the "good faith" that was always my intention underneath my choices (I am only human - as are you).

 

That is why I told Jakey - no matter, based on YOUR description of his character, I really do believe your husband is worth the investment you are making (no matter his marital behavior or lack thereof at the moment).

 

I think you are making the right choice. If something does not work out - YOU WILL KNOW YOU DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE.

 

I think I would be really bothred right now if I hadn't tryied as much as I had. Four years is a long time - but so is a 27 year marriage (and 32 year relationship -more than half my life, easily).

 

So if you give it till June 2013 - or June 2014, you will know you did everything. I guess I'm repeating myself - do you understand what I'm saying (that is, some people would call me an extreme fool for what I invested in hopes of reconcilation - BUT I know what I know, and there are no regrets - nor would it make any difference if there were regrets).

 

Keep you chin up, sweetie, Yas

Edited December 11, 2012 by Yasuandio